As I mentioned, she says she wants to. I don’t force her. But her words and actions are saying different things.
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I agree with all of this.
I would be careful with giving 11 year olds ultimatums when asked to make up their mind, something 11 year olds just are not really up to that much, especially under pressure.
We don’t tell a puppy to straighten up or we won’t go for a walk.
We train it so it understands that sitting nicely gets him a leash on, door opens and we can go out in that wonderful world full of all kinds of smells he lives for.
11 year olds are a bit like that puppy, still learning how things work and what really matters and what is only wishful thinking.
Using only punishment if they don’t do what we want can be more confusing than having guidance to learn, without scared to fail.
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How does she behave in other situations than riding? A friends daughter loves horses but due to her lack of concentration it can be challenging. This girl is quiet, a ‘dreamer’, a ‘confused’, sensitive girl. It’s part of her personality.
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I agree. People start something because it looks fun or interesting, but you really don’t know until you try it. Or maybe you have too many things going on and need to pare down the schedule. I “quit” softball and swimming when I was 12; I just did not like all the practicing and didn’t enjoy the games enough to tolerate the practices. For many kids, sports are a social activity, and once it becomes a bit of a burden, the social appeal is lost. I liked being on a team with my friends, but the activity itself, meh, not so much.
She’s saying what she thinks you want to hear and is probably just not capable of articulating her own needs. Looking on the bright side, she wants to spend time with you, however I suspect that you dedicate so much time to the horses that in order to be with you she’s accepted that it means having to also be with the horses herself.
Is it possible to take a weekend that doesn’t involve going to the barn? Dedicate some time to her around the things she’s interested in. Tell her that it’s you who needs a break from barn duties, then she won’t feel guilty. You need to be positive and show interest in alternate activities yourself. Find the thing she gets excited about and not only encourage it but take an interest in it yourself, by which I mean don’t stand around looking miserable and bored. That way not only will she start to gain the confidence to be able to say how she feels, but she’ll also develop as an individual.
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It would all make more sense if this were true! However, my work is flexible, so I try and go to the barn when the kids are in school, at camp, etc. I’m home almost every night. On weekends, I spend 1.5 hours at the barn on Sunday. That’s it.
Now, your comment about me showing interest in other activities…that’s spot-on. Maybe I should try painting with her. She loves to paint.
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At the age of 11 I spent my time with friends trying different types of (sport) activities because my class mates and friends did. I am not sure if this thread is about mum-daughter-time or about finding a hobby the girl enjoys, this is probably 2 pairs of shoes?
One of the beautiful things about riding and horses is that you can stop riding without falling behind in the sense that you do with certain school sports or activities. My friends son played baseball from T ball thru grade 6 or so. He persued other things then in an attempt to return to baseball in high school he realized how much ground he’d lost vs his friends to stuck with it. After being a lead player in grade 5 he couldn’t make the team in 9th.
I’d end the lease, save some money and allow her to do what she wants. Let her take weekly lessons or trot around on your horse is that is an option. Maybe in a few years time she will decide she’s interested. Maybe not. Spending thousands on a sport she has no passion for makes no sense. She’s old enough to know that this is expensive. She probably wants to please you, knowing how passionate you are about horses. I’ve seen many kids at barns taking lessons or riding their own horses because Mom wants it or is reliving her lost youth through the child. They usually look sad, complain of general pains and when they finally quit it creates and ugly rift in the family.
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Not sure if this has been mentioned, but what does your daughter do to earn the pony?
You’ll see very quickly if you add tasks to earn her riding time, whether or not she’s sincerely interested.
Back when I was a kid, I had to mow the lawn, fill/ empty dishwasher, vacuum the house, laundry, etc. Yes, all age appropriate and my folks were probably too hard on me/ definitely abusive. But that “work for it” attitude has stuck with me.
Everyone knows that if something is just handed to them, it’s oftentimes taken for granted. There’s no harm in saying she must do x, x & x chores around the house regularly or she won’t be riding this week.
You’ll very quickly see how much riding means to her.
On another note, can you drop to a half lease of this pony? So you’re not riding it yourself and your daughter doesn’t feel as much pressure to keep it going on the days she’s just not into it, or has other things she must attend to?
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Now, your comment about me showing interest in other activities…that’s spot-on. Maybe I should try painting with her. She loves to paint.
I like this. It might not be so much about just spending time with you but specifically spending time with you without her sister.
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I would end the lease now. I’d probably tell her that the pony needs to go back to his owner at the start of school (or X date). This is just me, but I’d not say anything too specific about why the pony’s going back, just that he needs to go back. And then I’d tell her that if she wants riding lessons, let me know and we’ll set that up for once a week. Then go from there.
By not making it about her or the time or the cost or showing - making the pony’s return about the pony, I think you’ll be spared feelings like it’s going back as a punishment or because it’s her fault.
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That actually works for this age group. Perhaps she can still visit pony if she wants.
Ummmm she is 11 this is NOT her career it is a HOBBY a VOLUNTARY SPORT she is only doing ONLY to please mommy dearest who it sounds like is trying to live vicariously through her daughters…when the other noped out this one probably realized she was the only hope and/or realized how disappointed you were. I am flabbergasted you had the nerve to hint at complaining about the time and money. Ya let her put down the hoof pick and you pick up a paint brush.
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Wow, this could have been my mom when I was 11 (ok, maybe a little older). I had super fancy horses, parents who were willing to do everything I needed, and I loved showing. Feeding and cleaning stalls and all the work? Not so much. My parents kept the horse, let me get away without doing much (horse lived at home, so there was still some work) and let me show. That’s not a decision I can say was right or wrong. I know my mom told me hundreds of times that I didn’t have to do this, that I could stop, but I really struggled with the idea of “quitting” - and riding was so much of my identity, I honestly think I didn’t know what I’d do without it (even though I didn’t love it? More… the idea of it?) Now part of this was I was in a discipline I’d grown to dislike and there was an outright refusal to let me switch to what I wanted to do (event, jumpers). They felt like they’d put too much money into this discipline and I wasn’t holding up my end - why would they let me do something else? Well, rock, hard place, the end.
I went off to college and didn’t put a leg over a horse for 4 years, minus home on a few breaks where I rode my (now retired) mare around bareback. In grad school I rode sparingly, finding a half lease to exercise a girl on study abroad’s horse twice a week for one semester - that was it.
Finally, seven years after I graduated from high school, I was on my own and wouldn’t you know, the first thing I did was go out and find an event horse to lease. I’m happier with horses than I can ever remember being. I still love my retired mare to the moon and back, but I’ll never go back to that discipline. I love eventing, put in far more work than I did as a kid, every penny comes out of my paycheck and it’s worth every bit.
She may truly love the horses, I know I did/do. But - it may not be the right life stage for them. And she might not really want to do it, but might not ever actually come out and say it. Do I think I would have cried if my mom had put her foot down? 100% Would I have also gotten over it and moved on? 100%
And down the road, she just might come back to it on her own.
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OP, do you have your own horse? You absolutely should keep doing the sport you love.
My boys are not that interested despite the odd riding here and there. I have a horse they can ride, but honestly the horse is mine, I am the one who rides her, I enjoy her, so none of the $$ is wasted…she’s great. I hope you have something to ride and enjoy besides your schooling of the lease pony! if not, end that lease and lease a horse for you that would be safe enough for your daughter to ride on occasionally, and use the $$ to better advantage!
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Have you ever thought that maybe for her it is a way to connect with and spend time with you? My daughter has had a horse all her life. I do the care, feeding and any farrier, vet things. She likes riding but she never initiates it on her own, but rather rides the 4-5 days a week when I do.
Her goals may not be yours but that doesn’t mean it isn’t enjoyable to her. I would keep things as they are with the lease pony unless you are putting yourself in a financial bind.
Time spent with our kids doing something we both enjoy is something that won’t last for many of us. I would have her tack up on her own ( just check and change what needs doing if needed). Parents are there to guide and " remind" our kids. It is what we do:)
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I do, and that’s important. I don’t ride vicariously through my daughter, although many respondents here have painted me that way – I ride and enjoy my own horse myself! And my sweet gelding, although way too big, is quiet enough for my daughter to ride…if she wants to.
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I think you already have a sense of what direction is best. The fact that she has continued to express mild interest is probably rooted in her love and desire to not disappoint you. Stepping back from horses does not need to be framed as a failure or disappoint but rather freeing up some time to explore other interests for a while. Horses will always be there.
Perhaps a local explorers club that does nature walks and finding insects would be really interesting or volunteering with the cats at the local humane society.
I am utterly horse obsessed and have been from the age of 5. The idea of spending 4 days a week at the barn would have been my idea of heaven. That being said, that is my perspective decades later trying to remember what it was like to be 11. At that age, it may have been a blessing in disguise that I went once a week and developed a lifelong yearning for more time at the barn rather than having it so accessible.
First, i would have loved to have you as a mom. My mother was allergic to the outdoors. Neither of my children care for horses or riding or farm life, either… I was hoping that maybe my genes jumped a generation to a grandchild but there are no grandchildren yet.
Secondly, had I had a pony at your daughter’s age, you wouldn’t have been able to drag me away from him.
which brings me to
Thirdly, maybe she wants to share with you what you love more than she loves riding. 
Maybe there is another way to share with her your love of riding.
