My daughter's riding (and lack thereof)

[freshman]

@Scribbler

At age 11, I persisted apathetically in piano lessons (as well as school subjects I wasn’t very good at) with a sense of loss at the idea of quitting, though I had no aptitude. It’s an interesting age, in that you are just starting to be old enough to even think about self-determination, but really you are not yet at the stage of being able to take control of the direction of your life. I was even bad about keeping the budgies fed and cleaned at that age, but would have cried if I was told they were being taken away, because I would have understood that as punishment because I had been “bad.”

Things getting taken away at this age are usually about punishment, and you have no real way in your life to practice choice about anything that matters (it’s not until high school that you get to choose elective courses). I remember it was even hard to let go of old clothes or old toys at this age. Even if you have a lot of “stuff,” you have so little that is really yours. And you are still tied into the family. Often you don’t even know what you really prefer, you may like a dress because you are told it is pretty, or a food because you are told it is special, or an activity because it lets you spend time with someone you care about.

Something really changes in early teens. You start to look outward to the world, and you start to be able to think about your choices and preferences, whether that’s in music or clothes or activities or friends (or even food, when kids go vegan). That’s what makes teens seem “rebellious” even when they really aren’t: that they are suddenly able to start cultivating choices in these things. They still don’t have much choice in the larger contours of their lives, so the choice of music, clothes, hobbies, etc. take on a lot of importance.

When I turned 13 and entered high school, I remember I boxed up my Barbie dolls and put the stuffed toys in the closet as a conscious choice, when a year earlier I would have been devastated to have any of that stuff disappear. When I turned 14 I got my own horse in nearby self board after years of being horse crazy, the idea being locally that kids couldn’t get a horse until they were capable of doing all the work for it.

I was obsessive about my horse care, never missed a feeding or cleaning, and this from a kid that was too spaced out to remember to clean the gerbil’s cage at 11 (my mother did step up for the household rabbits, birds, rodents, cats, dog, turtles, etc). It was like a fog cleared and I suddenly had an adult level of responsibility (though I was still quite immature in a lot of other ways). I also recall that the gradual onset of sexual feelings at 11, even before I really knew what they were or where all that was heading, was a real distraction and tended to make me distracted and daydreamy.

I also remember 18 as being another watershed year, where I was suddenly able to navigate the world socially with a level of useful self-awareness. And it took me into my 20s to realize that quitting something you don’t enjoy, or a college class you are failing, is actually a very good life strategy. That you don’t get any points as an adult for just being a seat warmer (unlike in grade school).

I watch other people’s children grow up, and it seems to me that these are important transitional years for all kids, early teens and late teens. There are kids that get some of these skills earlier (or a bit later), but in general there’s a big change here.

I don’t know what the takeaway is from all this, as far as what to do with the horse. I agree that the child doesn’t seem to really want to ride. I think I would have been riding all the time at age 11, if there was access to a horse, and I would have taken better care of a horse than of the gerbil. But for me, one of the things that was wonderful about the horse was that it was entirely my own thing, it got me out of the family and I was responsible for all the decisions, even calling the vet and farrier and hay dealers myself from age 14 on.

I don’t know what to think about an apathetic child who says she likes showing and getting ribbons. There is a disconnect there, because a really competitive child would be working hard on everything in order to get those ribbons. What is it she thinks she likes about shows? Is it the big special event atmosphere? The presence of other children? Dressing up her horse and getting attention?

It reminds me of the fact that I rather enjoyed the annual June track and field sports day in elementary school, though I was no good at any of the sports and didn’t really try. It was the novelty of the event, the hot dogs and the cream soda (neither of which we ate at home) and being outside rather than in the classroom on a beautiful sunny morning. Also not realizing there was the choice of not attending. A few years later, I would have ducked that kind of thing entirely, knowing I actually wasn’t having a good time. So there is something about being 11 years old where you don’t even actually know if you are really enjoying something or not, perhaps.

Is there a functional Pony Club in your area? maybe what she needs is a chance to explore horses with her peers, away from her parents?

Scribbler, I really appreciated what you just articulated. Very insightful and made me think abut my own experiences at those ages with a little new insight. And I’m in my 40’s, so that was a long time ago. Still important, though, in some ways. And also I have zero children. Not sure what will help the OP most in the here and now with her child in this situation at the moment. Just sympathy for the struggle. Clearly a very thoughtful and reflective parent. Very best wishes!

[Palm_Beach]

@gertie06

But she cries whenever I broach the subject of quitting or dropping the lease. When I ask her what she likes about horses/riding…she says “showing.” She likes ribbons. And I’m not really sure what to say to that. If there’s one thing most COTH’ers can agree on, it’s this: riding isn’t about ribbons.

So let her cry. Those are some expensive ribbons, both financially and time-wise. You are talking this situation to death with her, and she is manipulating you. Set some boundaries - In order to keep the lease up, she has to ride X times a week, and she is responsible for grooming, tacking, etc. She is also responsible for having herself ready when it’s time to go to the barn. You don’t nag. If she is not ready, she doesn’t go. Take a book with you and read it while she does her thing at the barn. If you need to check her tack before she gets on, fine, but she does the work. And set time boundaries - We are going to the barn at 3 and leaving to come back home at 4:30 and stick to them. If it takes her an hour to tack and she only rides for five minutes, fine. Put the ball in her court, if she really doesn’t want to play, it will be apparent pretty quick.

[Ruth0552]

Sounds to me like she likes competing and winning, but not necessarily the horses. There’s a lot of other sports that involve competition. Like, all of them.

She’s 11. 11 year olds are moody prepubescent middle school students that most high school teachers cringe at the sight of (I’m a high school teacher). They still act like kids but the expectations of school and life are making them act like grown-ups. THEY RESIST CHANGE. And what IS that smell??? They have enough changes going on in their own bodies that any change outside of their bodies rocks the boat.

Can you keep the lease pony but have her sign up for basketball and art classes? If there’s more of a gradual change it might help her transition into new activities. See how she does with the other things and then see if she still wants to keep riding. And when she gets apathetic, I’d just quit bugging her about it. Let her miss out on going to the barn or whatever. Is there anyway the pony can be ridden by someone else at the barn or in the lesson program? If you just let the horse thing slide, it might be that she finds some kind of inner motivation that she actually asks to go to the barn. Or it might be that when she hasn’t asked and hasn’t seen him for a month, that it’s clear it’s time to let the pony go. And I’d take all shows off the table right now. The only way she and you will know if she really likes riding is if she isn’t getting positive reinforcement for doing it whether she likes it or not.

[clanter]

she says “showing.” She likes ribbons.

I will take a stab at translating that

she enjoys the recognition of success as nearly every one or anything does…

We had four kids with varying interests, some overlapped but we tired to be good parents to help each find areas of success, ones that they were proud to have accomplished Ones that gave them separation from others.

Failures accrued along the way some with long lasting disappointments

Our goal was to teach our kids how to navigate life’s disappointments as sometimes people tend to focus on the disappointments that then become the focus of their life rather than the successes

A given if one tries enough stuff there will be failures, I believe it was Edison who said something on the lines of a failure wasn’t an end but just an acknowledgement of something that did not work, on to the next

[Beck]

@gertie06

But she cries whenever I broach the subject of quitting or dropping the lease. When I ask her what she likes about horses/riding…she says “showing.” She likes ribbons.

Sometimes tears come from discomfort/stress when discussing certain topics. Maybe in anticipation of parental disappointment. Perhaps even a bit of sentiment over change or ‘the end of a era’. Or relief/release at times. Not necessarily heartbreak.

And they all like the ribbons. But ribbons will stop coming if progress stalls. Or just get more and more expensive if a succession of talented mounts is continually provided to pack her around.

[Milocalwinnings]

@gertie06

Bottom line: she’s spending our money and her childhood doing something she’s not crazy about. She just doesn’t see it that way. Where do we go from here?

P.S. I know that I’m “enabling” her by helping her tack up, care for pony, constant reminders, etc…but if I don’t, he won’t be cared for properly. I can’t do that to him.

No, bottom line is YOU are spending your money and her childhood doing something she is not crazy about. You say you’ve talked to her. Have you lectured her on what it means to have her own pony and the requirements of riding 3-4 days a week, caring for it, etc? Or have you actually talked to her to see if this is what she wants? Is it possible she knows you love this sport and she wants to do something that she thinks you want her to do? Have you sat down with her and outlined what her riding goals are and what she thinks she needs to do to get there?

If you have not sat her down and told her that its completely fine for her to NOT love this sport and to do something else that she truly enjoys, you need to. I wouldn’t be surprised if she tells you she doesn’t really want to be a serious rider and only wanted to do it because that’s what you wanted her to do. Kids want to be close to their parents and make them proud. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that her “goal” is to have a pony that she can go ride once in a while and just tell her friends that she has a pony. If you have had this conversation with her and she insists that its what she wants, then I would say it’s time to terminate the lease until she is more responsible. Tell her she can take lessons for now as often as she wants (which will presumably be cheaper than what you are paying now). If she wants to ride three days a week in lessons and keeps at it, then reconsider the lease. But the onus is on her - she decides how often she wants to ride. By terminating the lease and moving to lessons, you aren’t on the hook for dumping money down the drain when she isn’t using the horse and progressing, but it still supports a riding career if she wants one and you can reconsider the lease once she shows that she is serious.

[Palm_Beach]

11 is a bit young to demand goal-setting and “career” choices. And even if she stops riding now, what’s to say she doesn’t become reinterested and pick it back up in a few years? For fun? Did we forget about fun? And what about the pony? Does she love the pony she is leasing?

[joiedevie99]

@Beck

Sometimes tears come from discomfort/stress when discussing certain topics. Maybe in anticipation of parental disappointment. Perhaps even a bit of sentiment over change or ‘the end of a era’. Or relief/release at times. Not necessarily heartbreak.

And they all like the ribbons. But ribbons will stop coming if progress stalls. Or just get more and more expensive if a succession of talented mounts is continually provided to pack her around.

I just wanted to second this. Tears aren’t necessarily a bad thing. She’s probably feeling a lot of complicated emotions, and processing them at 11 (or any age really) results in crying. Tears from lots of emotions are normal for some people. See if you can keep her talking through it. See if she can identify the different things she’s feeling, and then suggest that she take some time to think and write you a note about what she wants. She may just need help learning how to ‘hear’ her feelings and express them.

[anon6003733]

del

[HenryisBlaisin]

If her main motivation is showing, perhaps laying down the law just a little, as in "If you do X, Y, and/or Z with Pony this week, we can go to the show on Saturday, and hold firm–no X, Y, and/or Z, no show. She may decide the show isn’t worth X, Y and/or Z and decide on her own to move on. Or the consequences may motivate her.

BUT…what about a different approach? Is there something she’s really wanted to try, like art lessons, after-school sports, Girl Scouts, volunteering at the animal shelter, etc? Could you let her do one of those for a while instead of a day of riding? If she gets to do what she’s interested in, she may decide to let the riding go on her own because she has something she’s passionate about and gets recognition for instead.

If she finds something, maybe you can try it too–NOT in her class/group, but if she loves ballet, try an adult class. Ditto art class etc. If you end up loving it, it’s something you have in common and can share where she isn’t feeling pressure to love what you want. If you end up not into it, it gives you a glimpse of where she’s coming from, and common ground for a conversation. “Hey, DD, you know how I love horses and you like to ride some but don’t love them? I totally get it, because I know you LOVE painting. I think it’s fun sometimes, but I’m not as focused as you are–and that’s OK! How about I drop you off for paining class while I go ride, and then afterwards, we can both go the the art supply store for those new brushes you were needing and you can show me what you learned?” That puts her in control. If she wants to go on a trail ride with you on vacation or tool around on a friend’s pony or take lessons once a week, great…but now she has her painting (or whatever), you understand her passion, she understands that you are proud of her for choosing something she wants to do and sticking with it.

When I was 11, horses were my passion, though I rarely got to ride. But I had other interests as well, and I don’t know that I could have picked one to focus on without being able to try a few–and quit without guilt–to see. Sometimes we need to let kids know that it’s ok to quit something for the right reasons. The fear of being a “quitter” is real for kids, because it’s generally seen as a negative. Let them know that deciding to do something else that you love more isn’t the same as giving up because you didn’t win/don’t like the coach/don’t want to work hard. If they’d rather work hard at something else, that’s ok.

[NC001]

I have a 13 tr old who has been horse crazy since she started riding at 9 yrs old. From her first lesson she wanted to tack her own horse up.

She has a friend who is 2 yrs younger that start riding at the same time. This girl is now 11. She loves the idea of riding, wants to be a good rider, wants to be at shows and winning ribbons, and most of all loves the social aspect of it.
But she is lazy when it comes to doing any horse care or hard work. If she can get some one else to tack up or do the work for her lesson horse she will. A lot also has to do with the attention that comes with that. Basically she loves the fun aspect of it but not the work aspect of it. We have also been on other types of teams with the same girls and she is kind of the same with other sports & teams- wants to do well and loves the social aspect but not so interested in actually working for it.

Are you sure this isnt part of your daughters personality? is she like this about other things? If her having the horse makes you happy and you are okay with the cost I personally would say keep the lease and keep pushing more responsibility on her. If it’s a financial burden or something you just dont want to deal with anymore then stop the lease and keep her in lessons until she no longer wants to do it. Or maybe she would be happy at a barn with more kids her age?

[foggythistle]

Another thought… how much of this is because she just wants to spend some quality 1-1 time with Mom? If she doesn’t do the pony thing, how else does she spend 1/1 time with you?

[Scribbler]

As far as tears meaning heartbreak, I recall tears being very close to the surface in those moody years, and being connected to shame, guilt, fear, anger, more often than not.

OP’s daughter probably knows perfectly well she is not as invested in pony as OP wants, but also could legitimately reply well I didn’t know you wanted me to tack up, or think why isn’t going through the motions suddenly not Ok, why are the rules changing? Panic, fear of losing mom’s approval, so defensive and denial.

I remember feeling really sideswiped on occasion at that age when parents let a situation continue then put their foot down when they ran out of patience.

Perhaps encouraging her to find another interest this school year, and letting her grow away from the pony/mom bond which sounds like it isn’t working.

[Beck]

@HenryisBlaisin'

The fear of being a “quitter” is real for kids, because it’s generally seen as a negative.

I think that is debatable: most of the kids I know and work with seem to regard quitting as no big deal. They walk away from things, big and small, regularly and with no negativity.

[Beck]

@HenryisBlaisin'

The fear of being a “quitter” is real for kids, because it’s generally seen as a negative.

I think that is debatable: most of the kids I know and work with seem to regard quitting as no big deal. They walk away from things, big and small, regularly and with no lasting effects.

[atlatl]

Am I the only one that expected this thread to be about an adult child overly dependent on their parents while struggling to make horses a career?

My first thought reading the OP was; “she’s 11 for crying out loud!”

[pony_grandma]

@atlatl

Am I the only one that expected this thread to be about an adult child overly dependent on their parents while struggling to make horses a career?

My first thought reading the OP was; “she’s 11 for crying out loud!”

:lol: Me TOO! I thought it was about a young adult wanting a horse career and then hitting reality - finding out the bitter truth about it.

[pony_grandma]

My daughter who won ribbons quit riding when she started college and never rode again. The ‘other’ one is still riding and riding well. I had one 4H mom point at her, the youngest, when other child was taking every class and tell me ‘now THAT’s your RIDER.’ One had all the physical ability in the world given to her, the other had heart.

I’d also like to add - have you ever gone out on an all day mother/daughter trail ride, packed a lunch and had a beautiful day? Daughter #2 still does this…

[gertie06]

I didn’t know what to title it! My daughter wants to ride but kinda not? 😂
Anyway, it’s been good reading responses. I’m just going to let the trainer set the expectations like she would for any other 11 year old in the barn. I think that’s better than Mom nagging. The trainer will pull the pony if my daughter doesn’t do her part. I’ll just be on the sidelines offering encouragement, just like I would in any other sport or activity. And with the exception of basic safety checks, I’m going to stop being the groom. Thanks to everyone for your insight!

[JustTheTicket]

She doesn’t want to ride. Stop making her. At 11, she’s probably going to want to do whatever her friends are doing. Are they into art? Soccer? Music? Let her choose a new activity and she can always come back to the horses later.