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My husband has cancer and I'm really struggling

As stated in title. We’re married 20 years this June. Raised his two boys who are now 30 and 26. They’re nice young men, then oldest married and the youngest moving in with his girlfriend. No grandkids. They live 1-2 hours away and both work.
My husband and I both still work full time. He’s 60 I’m 53. He’s my best friend, soulmate, my strength, my everything. He reminds me so much of my dad who died 25 years ago of stage 4 kidney cancer.
My husband found blood in his urine in February right after my mom had a new heart valve put in. Eventually we got the diagnosis of bladder cancer, then muscle invasive bladder cancer. This means systemic chemo and bladder removal. We found this devastating news out last week and I had to leave work as I could not talk, breathe or function.
I’m scared shitless of losing him and of having this hanging over us. I’m scared of being a widow at 54 like my mom was. My husband is a really really good guy, just like my dad. I don’t want him to go early.
I can get by most days. Night is the worst and my fears and anxieties come out despite my prayers and faith. I’m still so scared. He’s the strong one, I’m the worrier.

If anyone else has seen themselves or their spouse through cancer I could sure use some inspiration. I can live without him having a bladder- he can too. I just don’t think I can live without him.


I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you and DH, big fat jingles here. My best friends husband was just diagnosed in February with bladder cancer too. Awful disease. He just finished his last round of chemo. It sounds like catching it early (surgery) and aggressive chemo helps prognosis. He had surgery, it was fairly uncomplicated and he was up and at his normal routine the next day. I’m keeping you and DH in my thoughts.


No advice here but jingles and prayers for you and your family in this dark moment :heart:


No advice, just letting you know you are heard, and I pray for strength for both of you.


No advice either, but keeping you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. {{{Hugs}}}


I don’t have any experience with bladder cancer but I just want to say that I am so sorry your DH is going through this. You and your husband will be in my thoughts. Stay strong. ((Hugs))


I wish I had some advice but I only have healing thoughts from afar.


My cousin is nearly 90 and has had bladder cancer for at least 40 years --it has slowly progressed and he is now on dialysis of some sort. Other than fluid build up in his lower legs, he has few symptoms and continues to enjoy his retirement including sailing with his son and grandson.

A gal-pal has had bladder cancer for 13-14 years --she is checked every six months and has had a number of small tumor removals. While not pleasant, the procedure keeps the cancer in check and she also continues to live a normal life with her many grandchildren and spouse.

Finally, my DH has been diagnosed two years ago with bladder cancer. He’s checked every six months and has had two tumor removals. He has had no change in his life other than to dread, well, dislike is better, the bi-annual checkups.

Best to you and your DH --as a wife --all you can do is be a cheerleader --it’s hard for you too.


Jingles and healing thoughts. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

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Hugs and prayers and jingles for you both and DH’s medical team. I am so very sorry he’s had this diagnosis.
@Foxglove sounds hopeful and comforting.

TWH, I went thru the cancer thing over fifteen years ago. The medicos said 50:50.
Chemo, which was horrible, and intensive Radiation, which did a lot of collateral damage that I’m still dealing with, but between the two, they got rid of the cancer, and while I’m diminished, I’m still here.
The Missus was diagnosed with lung cancer last year. She went thru several oncologists before working with one who was (apparently) cutting-edge in the field. He removed an entire lobe endoscopically, thru a small hole in her chest, under her arm.
She was in the hospital for three days, and in bed at home for a couple weeks, but she’s still here too, and was back to her work (a rocket scientist. seriously.) in about a month.
Miracles of modern technology, I tell ya.
Get busy on-line and educate yourselves about cancer in general, and your husbands variety in specific. The medical community has made, and continues to make huge progress in the treatment of cancer; new techniques pop up, seemingly almost daily. Make it a goal to learn about the current state of research as applies to the Bladder cancer.
Be sure Hubby’s doctor is up-to-date, and that he is recommending the very latest approach. Get a second, get a third opinion, and in general go with the latest techniques available.
Don’t yield to despair; get after it.
Wishing you the best . . .


@TWH_Girl, I’m so very sorry. You are both in my prayers. Research doctors and hospitals…US News and World Report is a great resource. I was going to link it but couldn’t figure out how. Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN is ranked #3 in the country for cancer care. I looked at it and there was a lot of information on the Mayo Clinic website. If you can’t find it, pm me your cell phone number and I’ll send it to you.

I am a 2X Hodgkin’s survivor. Others above have posted encouraging news about bladder cancer. Of course you are scared…cancer is awful. Many hugs!!!


MD Anderson in TX is still number 1 in the country for cancer care. I think you’ve posted you are in the north, so Mayo may be easier and number 3 is pretty darn great. As always, @George_T_Mule, has outstanding advice… amazing about the removal of his wife’s lung. It will also help your soul if you are active in this.


:hugs: I am so sorry you (and DW) went through cancer. I’m grateful the two of you are still kicking - your posts are always a pleasure to read.


We are in WI and live 30 miles from the University of Wisconsin Hospital so they do have a good bladder cancer program and UW Carbone Cancer Center. He has a PET scan today and oncology appt next week.

The waiting is so very hard, torturous some days.

My husband is that optimistic, high spirited, good natured person. I’m analytical and inquisitive, a bit more reserved. I’ve done quite a bit of research already. Once we get started on treatment, I will feel like we’re “doing something”. Doing something is my thing lol.

What I can’t stand is people saying “oh that’s a treatable cancer” or “well if you’re going to get cancer that’s not the worst one”. Are you kidding me??? Okay sure let’s put you through this and you tell me it’s nothing. There are even some friends or people I don’t even want to talk to much about it. My hubby and I are tight and talk a lot and that’s very helpful. I appreciate the feedback, kind thoughts, prayers and support from all of you as well. Many thanks.
I will keep this updated as we progress if that’s okay.


Friend I’m no longer in touch with had her DH diagnosed w/bladder cancer over 10yrs ago. He had the bladder relocation surgery & AFAIK, is still doing well - now approaching 80yo.

I’ve had breast CA twice, lumpectomy in 1998, mastectomy (same side) in 2016.
Treated with radiation the first time, 5yrs of oral chemo for both.
My in DH told me to “Never scare me like that again!” on 1st occurrence.
Sadly, he was gone for #2.

JINGLING like crazy for you both
Meanwhile, breathe!

What helped me through was telling myself this was nothing I had done to myself & nothing I could do to change the outcome except Google like mad for info & decide what route to choose from those suggested by Drs.
Googling led me to getting my implant done at the same time as the mastectomy (both covered by Medicare).
And convincing plastic surgeon what kind of surgery I wanted for the implant.


I don’t have any advice or experience, but there has been very good information from others here,
Keeping you and your husband in my thoughts, sending jingles and best wishes,
Please do keep us updated, if you wish - it is more than ok.


I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Sending you strength to be there for him, but also the grace to be good to yourself - you are allowed to have all the feelings. Make sure that you get the support for YOU that you need too. :broken_heart: :heart:


Wish I’d thought y up say this. @TWH_Girl, prayers…and I’m glad you are in a good hospital system. I have high regard for university systems.


UW is good. Bladder cancer is a tough specialty to find so we’re fortunate to live as close as we do.