. . .and I hope I am one! A nice young woman I ride with has many health issues --all based on food allergies. If she avoids the foods, she is well. If not, she’s miserable with many different upsets. Because of that, when we ride together, we always pack our lunches (separately) and don’t even consider eating at any place restaurant like. All good with me --and I always have bottled water in the trailer, and in my saddle pocket --which I share with her. I do understand that having food allergies --or any allergy at all --is difficult and makes her life complicated. I know talking to someone sympathetic might be helpful. But, is there some polite, sympathetic way to tell her that “I get it.” “I’m sorry” --and could we please move the conversation to something other than her latest illness or flare up? I don’t want to seem uncaring. I know these issues are real and she’s often miserable. What could your friend say to you that would be both sympathetic, caring, understanding, and at the same time let you know that the subject has become uncomfortable (especially the medical details she should probably share with her doctor and not me while we are eating). —and someone on COTH seems to “follow me around” pointing out that most of my whining on COTH could be solved if I grew a spine --ok, thank you, but I don’t want to seem mean to her --her life must be truly difficult. So, ideas on what to say to make the conversation less graphic at least, and maybe not discuss her health at all at best? What do your friends say to you?
It’s a difficult problem isn’t it?
I’ve had some luck with redirecting the conversation, albeit repeatedly.
If you have any sort of issue (hypothetically let’s say it’s your ankle) you can say something like" Yes, it is hard isn’t it? My ankle drives me nuts, it’s so nice that we have riding to take our minds off our troubles isn’t it? Lucky aren’t we?" Then begin a horsey discussion.
Also, “Isn’t it great that you can still ride? There are so many people that can’t and that would love to be able”.
Good luck!
I try dedirecting as well. I do have chronic health issues but am not that injured in talking about them at the barn, especially not in graphic detail.
The problem is, when you have ongoing health issues they become a big preoccupation, and if your friend is a bit isolated she might have no one to talk to about it and few other interests.
On the other hand she is not doing herself any favors by getting so one track and probably people are drifting out of her life because of this.
Maybe you do have to strategize ahead of time with a bunch of other conversation threads. And if she gets too graphic during lunch say so.
Maybe say at the start of lunch to not have any medical discussion.
When you are chronically ill you can end up feeling rather powerless and that can mean you stop feeling like your actions or words have any effect on other people. So it’s probably a good thing for your friend to realize that isn’t true. It might help get her out of this solipsistic mindset.
What about jumping right into an interesting horse related topic as the first conversation of the day? That has worked for me in similar situations.
Also, I’ve had a friend kindly tell me when I was in a difficult time of my life and tended to talk/think constantly about it: “I love you and want to be supportive of all that is going on your life. I understand that difficult situation is a difficult one and I’m happy to listen if that is what will be most helpful to you, but I miss our previous conversations before difficult situation because you’re an interesting person and I like discussing a variety of topics with you.”
That was pretty direct, and while I’m typically a pretty sensitive person, I actually wasn’t upset by this because she made it clear that she cared about me and reminded me that our wide ranging conversations had previously been tons of fun and excellent distraction from other parts of life. After that, I still did talk about the difficult situation with her, but in smaller amounts and specific pieces that her knowledge and life experience might allow her to make tangible suggestions of how to proceed. This all happened 10+ years ago and I still admire how she was able to be so direct with me and I think it made our friendship stronger.
Thank you for all your helpful replies --redirecting and out right telling her that “Wow! Too graphic for me while I’m eating!” seem to be the way to go. It has gotten better recently --I took her to my riding club where there are many people her age who ride and are young mothers with small kids --I do think isolation may have been a factor --she seemed less focused on her health the last time I saw her. Won’t see her again for a couple of weeks --and maybe not as much now that she’s made more friends at the riding club who can understand her life situation better.
How about asking her, “What can I do to help today?”
I’m an athlete; off road distance runner, matrial artist, gymnast, dancer, swim/dive, rider, yoga…
Eleven years ago, at age 38, I went down on my knees trying to carry water buckets. I couldn’t breathe.
I was diagnosed with Gold Stage III lung disease. Turns out I have genetic disease process that effects my lungs. My symptoms were sudden onset. Apparently I’d been a highly functioning athlete with most of my lung tissue damaged. Black mold in a home we recently moved into (unawares of the mold) triggered a massive inflammatory response, thus the sudden onset symptoms. Then I was diagnosed with a non maignant brain tumor.
I still ride. I still teach on occasion. The horses are the best therapy in the world to me. I’m thriving with disease process, not just surviving. I’ve outlived my five year life expectancy by 6 years and counting and I’ve improved, I steadily gain ground with a disease process that is supposed to degenerative.
But, I woudnt still be alive and kicking if not for the incredible support of family, friends, my medical team.
I don’t live in the “disease culture”, but there are days I need to be heard. And those days I just need someone to ask, “What can I do to help you today?”
cindylsanders.wordpress.org
CindySanders I do appreciate your reply. I don’t think I am, however, in the category of family or medical team who can offer the most support. At best I am a “horse friend” --I know her only through riding. I am nearly 40 years older. I have a vast, extended family of my own who at times need my time and support. I have a handful of friends my own age --I don’t think I am in a position geographically, emotionally, of physically to become one of her support team. I think what I was asking was NOT how to be a better friend to her --but how to maintain a relationship with her that is comfortable for both of us. I think by taking her to the riding club and introducing her around, I may have found the solution --the young women there are much more in touch with what she’s going through that I am.
RiderintheRain,
What a lovely friend you have, that she put it in those terms. What a keeper.
Foxglove,
I suggest you tailor that response to your situation needs. Something like “That sounds awful. And I hate that it’s taking up so much of your attention and focus. Is there anything I can do to help? Or take your mind off it? Then let’s try to make our riding time about positive things, that we’re glad that we can still do this together.”
And I would totally, totally endorse saying you can’t talk about certain medical things while eating!
My horse friends (people I only associate with at the barn) were a significant part of my support system.
CindySanders, you are right that horse people are great and I can see how horse-friends can become a significant part of one’s support system. That said, when two people only have one common interest, one common thread that joins them --maintaining the web of friendship becomes tenuous. Like work-friends. When I changed jobs --I promised my best work friend that we’d keep in touch --and still be friends. But she lived some place else, had a family, I lived some place else, had a family --and the work friend faded into Christmas cards, a call now and then, and then time moved on or life did. When my kids changed disciplines --went from hunter-jumper to 3 day eventing --the other “child show moms” and I gradually stopped socializing outside of the horse venue. And then our kids grew up. And I made friends whose kids were grown up and riding 3 day. So to be brief --which I can never seem to do --this young woman and I have only a common interest in horses that makes us friends. If she needs more than someone to ride with, then she needs to “make friends” with some of the young people at the riding club or else where. My days of enjoying discussions about potty training, diaper failure, lousy daycare, inconsiderate school systems are 30 years behind me. And at no time, with any of my friends did we continually and at length discuss personal health issues of body fluid and where it came from and what it looked like this time. As I said, such detail is best discussed with one’s health care provider --not a geriatric riding friend --better word --maybe acquaintance? McGurk said it best with “Let’s try to make our riding time about positive things!” --great idea!
Sounds to me that you have the right to opt out of those conversations
