Need advice

[LakeWinn66]

This is my first post on the COTH forums.

I have been horse crazy since age 5, and have taken lessons since age 7. I started riding at my current barn when I was in high school, and began leasing 18 years ago. I have leased three school horses over the years, and transitioning from one to the other as they aged and were eventually retired. The barn owner and trainer have always been very good to me, and allowed me to treat these wonderful horses as my own, which I did. I still love and care for two of them (my first horse passed away). I always worked hard and considered myself to be a good horseperson. My life has changed over the years and so have the dynamics at the farm.

My feelings were considerably hurt by two people at the barn, and although we made up, things have never been the same. It’s a complicated situation unfortunately. I have also struggled with personal loss and profound changes over the last few years, including wonderful ones. I have scaled back my riding and stopped showing, and have tried to explore other hobbies in the meantime. One hobby with my family is very fulfilling and enjoyable, and I am so thankful for it, but I still don’t feel that same joy/excitement/enduring childhood love as I do with riding. I have considered riding at another stable, but my lease is affordable and I have a lot of freedom at my barn since I have been there so long.

I have taken a break since early last year as my husband and I had a baby. She is our first priority of course and our greatest dream fulfilled. I have been up to visit my buddies as I miss them but haven’t been back in the saddle yet. I am struggling with whether or not to go back to riding (even if it’s twice a month right now) or if this should be a good time to stop. I feel an enormous responsibility to my daughter and husband first, and feel selfish spending money on riding now. I feel so conflicted for that reason and others. I struggle with some of the people at the barn, love my buddies who are there, and anxiety about returning to my lifelong passion. I also have anxiety about my personal weight gain and the social dynamics at the barn. My husband is very supportive and encourages me to return, but doesn’t push me either way. He says it’s my decision entirely.

Any help/advice would be appreciated. I hope I don’t sound too pathetic - it’s jusy a tough crossroads I am currently experiencing. Thank you.

[Bluey]

Congratulations on the new baby!

As you say, a new baby is a big commitment and will be for many years, the most for the next few, as it is so very dependent on you.

That would be a very good place to take a sabbatical from riding and re-examine what it means in your life.

Riding is something that you can always go back to, when it seems right and you can do it without feelings of guilt.

That will probably be sooner than you expect, if you really like what horses provided you with.
You will find a way to do what you like, no matter what that is.

For now, it sounds very sensible, with the concerns you present, that maybe horses ought to wait for a bit, at least until baby is a little older.

You may want to cross post this to the Off Topic forum, or at least to Off Course, so more will see it and give you their opinion.

[LakeWinn66]

Thank you for your thoughtful response!! I appreciate it.

[Scribbler]

I drifted away from riding in college, then came back in middle age. Absolutely there can be things in life that are more compelling than riding, and there is nothing wrong with moving away from horses to fulfill other life goals, or focus on human commitments.

When you are physically and mentally ready to ride again you will find a way.

I also have to say, I can’t imagine having stayed at the same barn from being a teen into adulthood which is what I gather you’ve done? There are nice aspects to that of course but also so much potential baggage! Indeed the interpersonal problems you allude to sound a bit like being stuck in a high school dynamic.

Maybe it is the right time to take a break from this barn, and return to riding in a few years to a different barn or situation.

[LakeWinn66]

Thank you for your response. I appreciate it.

There was always some drama/squabbles at the barn, as I imagine nearly every stable has. Everyone always called me Switzerland because I didn’t care and stayed out of it. I was just so happy to ride and have a horse to call my own. Trouble came my way from two people when I was 27 believe it or not. And I can say with a clear conscience I did not start it. I just have a hard time forgetting, which is entirely on me, and these people aren’t going anywhere at the barn.

[Hopeless]

Barn drama sucks. It kept me from wanting to get another horse for a bit. I finally found a small barn and often keep to myself. I’m friendly but really I am there for my horse, not to be social. You might look around for a smaller barn.

Also children take a lot of time and effort. Especially if you want to have more than one. Time is going to go quickly and infants are really needy little creatures ;). As they get older then you are going to have their activities to juggle as well as yours.

It really is a personal decision. There are a lot of mothers that keep up with their own horse stuff with little kids. Others give it up until their children are ready have a horse. Which can be all kinds of fun too.

[Scribbler]

My guess is that if you take a few years off from riding, spend a lot of time being a mother, and go back to riding at a different barn, you will be able to just ride, stay out of drama, and not have so much of a social life at the barn.

I’m guessing that your barn if you’ve been there since you’re a teen is a place you have deep long-standing emotional connections with people, good and bad.

For us older adults who go to a barn to ride and, let’s face it, get away from people for a while, it’s different. We may end up making one or two good friends at the barn. But really we don’t care at all about most of the other rider’s lives, wedding showers, new babies, kitchen renovation, cute grand kids, tropical vacations, puppies, whatnot. You dont even need to be neutral like Switzerland if * no one is trying to get you involved in drama in the first place.* This means no one is really in a position to hurt our feelings because we don’t care what they think about us.

This barn is part of your adolescence. Step away, become an adult, get back to riding later.

[LakeWinn66]

Thank you for your responses everyone. I appreciate them very much.

To the previous poster - I have “grown up” at this barn so to speak, but I am an adult. I understand where you are coming from and agree with many of your points, especially about not getting involved in other people’s lives. I do focus on just riding but I think it’s nice to have some friends to hack and hunter pace with.

After even more thinking and reflecting, I think I will try to get back to riding. Becoming a mom is a tremendous and wonderful change, and I think riding will give me some time to myself and help me in many ways. Down the road I may end up moving to another barn, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

[Hopeless]

Sometimes just writing it down and seeing the situation from other’s point of view is all you need to get a little perspective. I know that I have written a post before just to see what others have to say. Often it makes me understand my own feelings better. Good luck!