Nope, closed, done

[Jealoushe]

All but one of mine prefer the right lead lol

[2DogsFarm]

My NeverRaced TB was snarky about grooming. No dandy brush for him!
Ever!
But we came to an agreement: teeth could be shown, ears laid flat, but NEVER in the direction of a human.
His stall walls got considerable abuse
After I’d had him for almost 20yrs, he’d occasionally look as if he wanted to snuggle…
We’d both look surprised
I miss that crabby guy

[endlessclimb]

@2DogsFarm

but tend to favor L at the gate

This doesn’t make any sense, as the gate is broken to a straight where they should be on the right. If that’s how that trainer did it, though, I don’t doubt that’s what they told you was normal.

[2bayboys]

@Jealoushe

OTTB aside, this relationship sounds toxic and abusive and I’m not sure who the true source of the drama is but that incident was one minute away from a domestic assault.

OP you do not want to be getting a criminal record. When things escalate and you don’t get your way, you need to walk away. Not your horse, not your barn, not your rules.

Your mom might be a narcissistic psycho but that still wouldn’t excuse domestic violence which is where this was truly headed.

I think you should consider a break from the horses.

Actually, if the mother did grab OP by the hair and throw her to the ground as was described, that is absolutely domestic assault. Even if it was preceded by behavior (the attempt to remove the bridle) that was escalating the situation.

Not excusing the OP though, in my opinion she should have walked away. Dad gave Mom the horse. Dad and Mom own the farm. OP needs to abide by the rules of the house/barn or leave.

Very sad situation all around.

[endlessclimb]

@2bayboys

Even if it was preceded by behavior (the attempt to remove the bridle) that was escalating the situation.

In a way, this was a deliberate move that put her mother in danger - that is also a crime.

Toxic situation all around.

[Jealoushe]

Yes you’re right, it’s lucky no one called the authorities. A lot to lose as it sounds like OPs parents have their own stable /business.

[Old_Mac_Donald]

Looking at OP’s post history, OP has been complaining about her mother’s treatment of the horses for a year and a half now. Riding a horse with a BCS of 2 in July 2021.

I suspect OP will not be back to reply to this thread.

[anon15718925]

@Polopony20

Idk if this counts as a dumb as much as ranting about my mother, so I’ll take it down if needed but:
Background info: Private barn, shared with my parents. 7 1/2 of the horses are theirs, 1 1/2 mine (I’ll get that other half when they retire my brother’s mare from polo), 2 of the 7 are retired polo ponies both in their early 30s and late 20s or early 30s

The 33 year old looks great for his age and lack of teeth, and still enjoys occasional rides (This is Rex, the APHA for anyone who finds other stories/looks at my profile)

his girlfriend on the other hand… She’s ~28-30, a TB with no teeth, an absorption problem in her gut, arthritis and a bunch of scar tissue in her left hind from impaling herself with a stick. She has a body score of AT BEST 3, more like 2-2.5 on the 1-9 scale.

Its not that my mom is starving her, in fact this horse sits in front of a muck bucket full of soaked alfalfa all day, itsthe fact that my mom THINKS THIS HORSE LOOKS GOOD. AND RIDES HER. BAREBACK. AND TRIES TO GET OTHER PEOPLE TO RIDE HER.

The vet was out the other day (The vet that has helped this horse fight everything from maple leaf poisoning as a 14 year old, to the stick in her leg only a few years ago). He was PISSED when mom said the mare looks good and said she rode her.

Im trying to find how to report her for this, but I doubt they’ll take it seriously considering every other horse here is in (actual) near perfect condition, if not a little too conditioned, even the 33 year old only drops to a score of 4 in the winter.

If this doesnt start a flame war, I’ll post pics (Feel free to roast my mother, she was like this with us as kids too (The blind to issues thing) so its not just “I dont want to admit this horse is dying” )

This it? Found it in a thread called the Daily Dumb.

[2DogsFarm]

Ruh-Roh
2dogs pulls out the cardboardeaux & warns up the corn popper …

[anon15718925]

I just want to emphasize, again:

OP, if this situation is as dire as you say, remove yourself from it as soon as humanly possible. That means making concrete plans. If you’re really 20 years old, you’re an adult and if your parents are the type of people they sound like I wouldn’t put it past them to call law enforcement on you the next time something like this happens. And as I believe @Jealoushe noted, you do not want a criminal record. If authorities are called on you for something like the situation that escalated between you and your mom, this ain’t gonna be the kind of law enforcement situation where you pay a fine and all is hunky dory. You’ll face real consequences.

Going through post history it sounds like OP has had some falls where they got injured and their confidence was shaken.

Looks like most of OP’s other posts were horse care advice/brain picks for items they were considering purchasing.

I don’t mean to seem petty just trying to see what we’ve got here.

As someone who grew up riding in a rough-around-the-edges barn where the horses were treated poorly and the instructor was a bully, I absolutely empathize. But reading some of OP’s history, I don’t know.

EDIT: Assuming this is real, adding - there are absolutely steps you can take. The OTTB is your mother’s for now, like it or not. You’re 20. You state that you’re disabled - I don’t know what resources exist in Canada and resources in the US are far from perfect. Are you in any kind of post-HS education? Do you have a job (that isn’t helping on your parents’ farm)? If not you probably need to see about getting into education or if you don’t want to pursue college/a trade look at what your career options are. You might not be able to afford to move out on your own but are roommates a possibility? If you insist on staying in horses would being a working student for someone else be a possibility? Do you have your own transportation? If not, do you know how to drive (and if you don’t - can you learn?). The horses truly seem like the least of your problems here.

[beowulf]

OP, I spent some time last night thinking about your situation and I’m coming back. I don’t want you to be dragged through the coals here. You’re vulnerable, you’re upset, and you clearly need a place where you feel safe and can unwind. I’m not sure COTH is a safe space for you a this time, but don’t write off the suggestions offered by posters in this thread who mean well and want a better situation for you and Mercy.

I’m going to share something on this thread I know I’ve never shared on COTH before. I had a very difficult relationship with my mother growing up. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was complicit too. The hard truth was I was not an easy kid.

In my own stupidity it took me until I was 25 to realize that I am solely responsible for how I reacted to my mother, and that at any point I could walk away. I have never in my life argued with any human being the way I’ve argued with my mother. We mutually brought out the worst in each other - because we were more alike than we might think. Think about that for a moment.

This is not normal. Your situation is not normal. They way the two of you are behaving is not normal. The way you feel about your mother, about Mercy, about everything in your life – this is a little more normal, but not healthy for you, or your mother, or Mercy.

When I first read your post, my knee-jerk reaction was that you were being entitled and spoiled. That is coming from the perspective of someone who grew up in a household that on paper sounds similar to your own. You[g] really never know how you look in other people’s eyes and it is a life skill to learn how to take a step back from your situation and look at it through the perspective of other people’s. Your father’s. Your mother’s. Mercy’s, too.

I want to talk about Mercy for a minute. You’ve said some things that raised questions for me about this horse and whether he is a good match for you in this moment in time. It’s very possible you and your mother are both great riders and trainers – but the toxicity in this environment is likely polluting Mercy’s progress as well as your own. You need to take ownership in your own part of this debacle. You were restraining and holding Mercy while your mother was kicking him (your words) - you were just as complicit in giving Mercy conflicting signals and disabuse as your own mother. Mercy can’t read the room here and see that you are reacting to the disabuse of your mother - but he can read your own reactivity, as well as your mother’s. This situation of putting Mercy in the middle of your own fight with your mother is incredibly unfair to Mercy, and likely why he has been backsliding.

Thoroughbreds are possibly one of the most emotionally sensitive horse breeds out there (IMO). As a general rule (and I am sure there are exceptions) they are very in-tune to their handlers. So when their handlers are screaming, are upset, or are unglued, it can rattle them too. They will feed off of the energy you put out there and this can be bad or good, depending on how in control of your emotions are. It may be likely you are setting Mercy just as far back as your mother is by screaming, fighting, and physically attacking one another in front of him. It might surprise you how much a horse can become rattled by screaming.

Thoroughbreds are born knowing how to canter. Even with three months off, barring a big injury, they should be able to canter if they are sound. OP, I don’t want to come across as attacking your training stratagem here: it truly sounds like at this moment in your life, you need a horse that doesn’t have his own untraining issues to work through. This isn’t Mercy’s fault: he is doing what TBs do. It’s up to you to realize that he may be better off in a different program while you work through your own untraining.

It’s been nearly a decade since my mother and I had a big fight. It took months of hard, relentless introspection here for me to make this journey. And even though your mother is an adult too, she may still have some growing to do. We as adults are never done growing. She may have her own generational trauma to unlearn, she may have her own problems, as do you – the only way we can grow and move past these barricades is if we look hard at ourselves and then remove the emotional/trigger responses from the situations. Easier said than done, I know.

I learned to recognize when things were escalating. What always made things worse was fighting against the controlling behavior. Instead, I learned to calmly walk away or to calmly put up what I was doing and just do what was being asked. If your relationship with your parents is important to you, you will take the time to learn how to navigate this minefield. No, the minefield isn’t fair to you or Mercy or even your parents, but that is the way the world is. That is the reality of your situation. Either we learn, or we learn to walk away. Whatever is healthier.

It takes two people to fight. Just remember that next time you run into a problem with your parents.

[Jealoushe]

“Feel free to roast my mother”

OP this is not healthy. I really think you need to separate yourself from the horse aspect of this family.

I’m guessing they are polo players?

[Old_Mac_Donald]

OP was in college in '21, apparently. “Broke college student”, and wishing they could take their horse Crystal to college with them.

[Jealoushe]

This is a very kind and thoughtful post.

[anon15718925]

@beowulf

This is not normal. Your situation is not normal. They way the two of you are behaving is not normal. The way you feel about your mother, about Mercy, about everything in your life – this is a little more normal, but not healthy for you, or your mother, or Mercy.

When I first read your post, my kneejerk reaction was that you were being entitled and spoiled. And that is coming from the perspective of someone who grew up in a household that sounds not so different than your own. Including the physical abuse. You[g] really never know how you look in other people’s eyes and it is a life skill to learn how to take a step back from your situation and look at it through the perspective of other people’s. Your father’s. Your mother’s. Mercy’s, too.

This.

My kneejerk reaction wasn’t spoiled but I can also see that being the case, esp. having done a lil’ sleuthing into OP’s post history which I wouldn’t necessarily say is spoiled but maybe a touch on the “I know best” side (at least, that’s how it reads to me). I had a good home life but have absolutely been there done that re. barn drama and I was approx. the age OP is now when I went through some stuff that ultimately led to me leaving the barn I’d ridden at since age 10. (EDIT: I can go into it if this might be helpful for anyone reading but I ain’t got the time right now, I’m kinda on here while slacking off a bit and time got away from me so adios. All the barn drama I went through started when I broke my arm and just escalated. I wasn’t related to the people who ran the barn but it was a family-run barn and the relationship between the mom and daughter who were the primary people managing the barn was not at all healthy, daughter was maybe 14-15 years older than me and her mother was a few years older than my own mom)

I didn’t get along well with my father growing up. Fortunately, I only saw him every other weekend for a day (he wasn’t physically abusive but we argued. A lot). I cut contact with him at 16 and haven’t looked back.

[anon15718925]

Missed that in the post history but who knows. Sounds like OP’s family has a loooot of horses. College plans change.

[anon15718925]

@beowulf

I want to talk about Mercy for a minute. You’ve said some things that raised questions for me about this horse and whether he is a good match for you in this moment in time. It’s very possible you and your mother are both great riders and trainers – but the toxicity in this environment is likely polluting Mercy’s progress as well as your own. You need to take ownership in your own part of this debacle. You were restraining and holding Mercy while your mother was kicking him (your words) - you were just as complicit in giving Mercy conflicting signals and disabuse as your own mother. Mercy can’t read the room here and see that you are reacting to the disabuse of your mother - but he can read your own reactivity, as well as your mother’s. This situation of putting Mercy in the middle of your own fight with your mother is incredibly unfair to Mercy, and likely why he has been backsliding.

Thoroughbreds are possibly one of the most emotionally sensitive horse breeds out there (IMO). As a general rule (and I am sure there are exceptions) they are very in-tune to their handlers. So when their handlers are screaming, are upset, or are unglued, it can rattle them too. They will feed off of the energy you put out there and this can be bad or good, depending on how in control of your emotions are. It may be likely you are setting Mercy just as far back as your mother is by screaming, fighting, and physically attacking one another in front of him. It might surprise you how much a horse can become rattled by screaming.

Thoroughbreds are born knowing how to canter. Even with three months off, barring a big injury, they should be able to canter if they are sound. OP, I don’t want to come across as attacking your training stratagem here: it truly sounds like at this moment in your life, you need a horse that doesn’t have his own untraining issues to work through

This.

All of this.

[Djones]

Beowulf, that is a lovely post you shared. I am sure that was hard to put down in writing.

OP, I think your situation is unhealthy for everyone involved. You are at a difficult age and place in your life. I would hope you’ll consider focusing on yourself, your growth, your future 5 10 15 years out- some middle distance that’s far enough out that you’ll have to make decisions now that aim you in that direction, but not so far out (20+ years) that it may as well be Mars. You are focusing on the 3 seconds ahead of right.now!! vs. looking down the line to what matters in the long run. Example: trying to remove the bridle with your Mom in the saddle is an inexcusable 3 YO toddler-level tantrum. I would have found a way to get you away from his face as well- if that means grabbing you by the ponytail, so be it. As the person in the saddle, I need to be sitting on a horse that is wearing a bridle. That’s not abusive on its face. I have to be safe in the saddle regardless of your tantrum. That’s just one example of you putting “justice right now!!!” ahead of general safety and sense.

I wish you well, you have a lot of work to do on yourself as you endeavor to grow up and out of the nest. I hope you will make those investments.

[Sparrowette]

@Polopony20

…

All this came to a head after I told her not to ride Mercy anymore because he was starting to baulk at leaving the barn and clearly hated being asked to work. One night I went out to feed the horses and found her riding him. I told her to get off because she hadn’t asked if she could ride him. She ignored me so I walked up and grabbed his reins, she began kicking him and pulling away very hard (to the point where the bit almost came through his mouth) I let go and grabbed her hands because at this point i was in tears. She was clearly hurting him. This only made it worse as she started bringing her legs off his sides and slaming them into him to get him to move away from me (He barely understood lateral leg cues). You could hear the air being forced out of his lungs with each hit. At this point I was desprate to get her off of him so I did something that was probably stupid. I started undoing his bridle, continuing to tell her to get off and that she was hurting him. Then she grabbed me by the hair and threw me backwards before turning and troting back to the barn, hauling on the reins.
…

Polopony20, I haven’t read the entire thread, but at the moment I read the bolded part, I thought you were trying to kill your mother. Gads. Don’t ever do that.

[cayuse]

She had my sympathy up until the unbridling of the horse, she very well could’ve killed her mother with that move. None of this is about the horse. None. I hope everyone involved finds the help they need to be able to move on with life.