Nope, closed, done

[Scribbler]

When I was a young adult I also had to make the decision to go out on my own and live on very little money while in college and after. I could get comfort and cash and everything paid for if I stayed living at home, but that was untenably dysfunctional. After I was self sufficient and showed I didn’t need them, my relationship with my parents improved a lot but was never easy for me. I learned over time how not to get drawn into conflict by keeping everything I cared about out of sight.

I know the trend these days is for young adults to live with their parents, and it’s true things are more expensive. But I lived with room mates for years, then in a 2 room suite with shared bathroom, and I didn’t ride horses. When my mother left home in the 1940s she lived in actual boarding houses. The idea you somehow require a semi luxury proper one bedroom apartment with granite countertops when you are starting out is very new.

[anon15718925]

@Scribbler

I know the trend these days is for young adults to live with their parents, and it’s true things are more expensive. But I lived with room mates for years, then in a 2 room suite with shared bathroom, and I didn’t ride horses. When my mother left home in the 1940s she lived in actual boarding houses. The idea you somehow require a semi luxury proper one bedroom apartment with granite countertops when you are starting out is very new.

I don’t think that’s (entirely) why young people (generally) are living with their parents longer. Depending on the location and what field they’re in and what the salaries are in that field, it might well be financially smarter and done out of need not just a desire to live in a “luxury proper one bedroom apartment with granite countertops.” Just sayin’.

I don’t think boarding houses as such even exist today (roommate situations absolutely do).

The cost of living now vs. 20, 30, 40 years ago is drastically different.

Not saying you’re right or wrong, just kind of pushing back on this notion that young people live at home longer b/c so many of us millennials and gen z-ers apparently want a luxury one bedroom apartment with granite countertops.

EDIT: As for the 1940s, it was a way different era obviously. My grandma got married in her late 20s in 1944 and definitely lived with her folks (as did her sister, who had two, eventually three, kids, and I assume at some point a husband since her last name was not the same as my Grandma’s maiden name but I have zero clue what became of my great-aunt’s husband/what that situation was.) Grandma’s sister and older brother (who never married) shared a house after their parents died. My Grandma’s family might’ve been anomalies in a few regards though.

[Scribbler]

@anon15718925

@Scribbler

I know the trend these days is for young adults to live with their parents, and it’s true things are more expensive. But I lived with room mates for years, then in a 2 room suite with shared bathroom, and I didn’t ride horses. When my mother left home in the 1940s she lived in actual boarding houses. The idea you somehow require a semi luxury proper one bedroom apartment with granite countertops when you are starting out is very new.

I don’t think that’s (entirely) why young people (generally) are living with their parents longer. Depending on the location and what field they’re in and what the salaries are in that field, it might well be financially smarter and done out of need not just a desire to live in a “luxury proper one bedroom apartment with granite countertops.” Just sayin’.

I don’t think boarding houses as such even exist today (roommate situations absolutely do).

The cost of living now vs. 20, 30, 40 years ago is drastically different.

Not saying you’re right or wrong, just kind of pushing back on this notion that young people live at home longer b/c so many of us millennials and gen z-ers apparently want a luxury one bedroom apartment with granite countertops.

EDIT: As for the 1940s, it was a way different era obviously. My grandma got married in her late 20s in 1944 and definitely lived with her folks (as did her sister, who had two, eventually three, kids, and I assume at some point a husband since her last name was not the same as my Grandma’s maiden name but I have zero clue what became of my great-aunt’s husband/what that situation was.) Grandma’s sister and older brother (who never married) shared a house after their parents died. My Grandma’s family might’ve been anomalies in a few regards though.

No obviously boarding houses don’t exist anymore. And didn’t in my time either

Rent has always been high where I live. We lived in some pretty rundown places. I do feel that many parents and young adult children have better relationships than in my day. I grew up with parents and children on different sides of the 1960s cultural shift. Very much like some immigrant families today. Parents were often very much against premarital sex, staying out late, rock music, having friends over for parties, etc.

My friends adult kids today get to live much more like roommates with their parents

But when the family dynamic is very toxic there is less context for how you get yourself out now, in part because there is less of an active youth culture to escape to.

[anon15718925]

@Scribbler

My friends adult kids today get to live much more like roommates with their parents

But when the family dynamic is very toxic there is less context for how you get yourself out now, in part because there is less of an active youth culture to escape to.

I get where you’re coming from.

Yeah - I live w/my mom myself (realize how lucky I am to have a good parent) but on what I make right now it just makes more sense and it wasn’t like I planned it. Just how everything shook out post-college for me.

OP - do what you have to to get in a better situation.

[ShenanAnna]

I still think the OP’s best bet is to remove herself completely from this situation, by taking a job in another location. This would have the advantage of getting her out of her head and giving her something different to think about. Plus teaching her to live in different circumstances.

A temporary-type situation, like a national park, resort, dude ranch, or organized volunteer situation would fit the bill. I think the OP needs life experience and to think of others for a while. A service job will do that.

Just talk to your college placement office; they should have bunches of options for you.

[Djones]

@Scribbler, reasonably affordable housing in Birmingham with 2 roommates is still incredibly pricey. What were marginal but safe places to rent when I was much younger are now really treacherous. There’s not nearly so much grey area as there once was. The middle is vanishing.

The hill is hella steeper than it was pre-meth and the opiate epidemic. this bs about quartz countertops? Just stop. You’re embarrassing yourself.

[Scribbler]

@Djones

@Scribbler, reasonably affordable housing in Birmingham with 2 roommates is still incredibly pricey. What were marginal but safe places to rent when I was much younger are now really treacherous. There’s not nearly so much grey area as there once was. The middle is vanishing.

The hill is hella steeper than it was pre-meth and the opiate epidemic. this bs about quartz countertops? Just stop. You’re embarrassing yourself.

Where I live a lot of young people are making a choice to live with their parents until they can buy a proper apartment. That’s not an option that existed when I was young (you couldn’t live with your parents without losing your mind, no single people bought real estate, condos barely existed). Lots of young people do make the choice to have the comforts of the parental home until they can afford to buy, often with parental help. It’s great if you have a functional family. If you don’t, you have to give up some comfort. All the entry level new build high rise apartment condos here have stone counters real or fake, for me that’s just a code word for fake luxury touches on a shoebox apartment, not real luxury

[furlong47]

Another very real problem is that the only thing being built for rentals anymore seems to be “luxury” apartments or townhomes. Every landlord wants to be able to charge the premium rent. Forget lower income or even regular affordable housing. I live in a small studio in an older building and I hate to think about what I’ll do if they ever decide to sell or raze this place. (Plus many of my neighbors, who are retired/on fixed incomes and some have lived here for decades. Where would they go?)

It’s not that people are holding out for granite countertops… in some places the only thing available is granite countertops.

[Djones]

Give up some comfort? I’m talking about safety, not soapstone.

[TWH_Girl]

@anon15718925

The cost of living now vs. 20, 30, 40 years ago is drastically different.

The cost of living is high because we demand all this crap. New new new…fewer people want to accept anything that isn’t exactly how they want it to be . They want “luxury”- real or fake or their version of it, want it now and don’t necessarily want to work harder for it. It’s a very different mindset and culture.

[anon15718925]

Uh…no…it’s more like wages haven’t kept pace with inflation the past several decades, at least if you’re in the USA. Rest of the world, I don’t know, they have their own problems.

I get so sick of this notion that the young people want luxury. It’s more nuanced than that if we’re zooming out to a societal level. On an individual level I don’t doubt there are those for whom that is the case.

[Rackonteur]

@furlong47

Another very real problem is that the only thing being built for rentals anymore seems to be “luxury” apartments or townhomes. Every landlord wants to be able to charge the premium rent. Forget lower income or even regular affordable housing. I live in a small studio in an older building and I hate to think about what I’ll do if they ever decide to sell or raze this place. (Plus many of my neighbors, who are retired/on fixed incomes and some have lived here for decades. Where would they go?)

It’s not that people are holding out for granite countertops… in some places the only thing available is granite countertops.

I agree with this. It started 40 years ago in Atlanta. All the affordable apartments were either being turned into expensive condos or being torn down. New ones being built all had luxuries like marble or granite or whatever fancy counter tops, marble fireplaces, and other luxuries no one needed and few working singles could afford.

And I’ve read several heartbreaking and scary articles recently about the owners of affordable apartments that cater to seniors on fixed incomes kicking their longtime tenants out in order to renovate the apartments and charge higher rents.

It’s why I am so grateful for HUD housing. I know HUD also has properties for families and hopefully young singles. But there are also problems with Section 8 apartments being “available” but landlords refusing to rent to people who would qualify.

OP’s latest post really discouraged me. It sounds very much like someone who is just saying those words in an effort to “please” her audience while not meaning what she’s saying. “Yes I heard you yes you’re right, what do you want me to say I’ll say it just to get you off my case.” A boss drove me to that once, years ago, when I was in my 20s.

OP doesn’t sound to me merely spoiled but honestly clueless. This is not a criticism of her, just an opinion. She’s never had to deal with the real world. Not her fault at all.

OP, if you want to delete your posts, just click on the ellipsis (3 dots) to the right of the pencil icon below the post and delete the post.

[ShenanAnna]

There is a difference in the size and “quality” of housing between then and now. The average size of a house is more than double, “luxury” add-ons like the kitchen counters, other factors have increased the price of housing dramatically. Since 1970, prices in general are 6 1/2 times higher now. For houses, they’re 24 times higher, with bigger closets, more bathrooms, much more elaborate kitchens, etc.

Blame the builders all you want, they certainly want the bigger profits from the higher-priced housing, but there has to be an element of consumer demand here, too. If people wanted to live in smaller, plainer housing, somebody would be building it.

BTW, household income is now 7 times more, slightly better than prices in general, and the federal minimum wage is 4 1/2 times more, so significantly behind.

ETA: If homes had increased in price at the same rate as prices in general, the median new home would be about $155,000 today.

[Scribbler]

@ShenanAnna

There is a difference in the size and “quality” of housing between then and now. The average size of a house is more than double, “luxury” add-ons like the kitchen counters, other factors have increased the price of housing dramatically. Since 1970, prices in general are 6 1/2 times higher now. For houses, they’re 24 times higher, with bigger closets, more bathrooms, much more elaborate kitchens, etc.

Though apartments are much smaller here!

[Rackonteur]

@TWH_Girl

The cost of living is high because we demand all this crap. New new new…fewer people want to accept anything that isn’t exactly how they want it to be . They want “luxury”- real or fake or their version of it, want it now and don’t necessarily want to work harder for it. It’s a very different mindset and culture.

Oh, gosh, yes. This.
Even years ago, I remember, my niece and her DH wanted to sell their luxury home in a gated community in order to buy a larger home in the community for their growing family.

No one who could afford to buy in that community wanted a “pre-owned” house. They all wanted new builds.

[ShenanAnna]

Yes, the apartments are smaller! The “luxury” apartments near me are absolutely tiny, with fake hardwood floors and no outside space, either patios/balconies or grass and plants. At least this low-income senior building has a big back yard, with a gazebo, small trees, and room for gardening. And small apartments with Formica countertops.

[Rackonteur]

Yes, this.
It’s glaringly obvious in my old neighborhood. Nice little 1950s and '40s houses, mostly 1 story, now sitting right beside new McMansions that make the lots look tiny. The huge new houses look monstrous among the old ones that were built for the lots and the streets. Those houses were considered very desirable and comfortable when I was young. 2-3 bedrooms, 1 or 1 1/2 or even 2 baths. No master bedrooms with cathedral ceilings, or master baths the size of a normal house’s bedrooms. No super-sized kitchen appliances (how many burners does a family or 4-5 need for one meal, anyway?).

Anyway.

I’ve recently been looking at some houses an English friend of mine owns. In England. They’ve been rentals, now up for sale. As an American I’m surprised at how small the bedrooms are and the small number of bathrooms (2 seems to be luxury for a 3-4 BR house). But families live quite comfortably in them, evidently, and seem very pleased fo find one for sale.

Why do so many Americans want everything they own to be so HUGE?

[lenapesadie]

I dunno. A shabby, elderly, small unit in a triplex in an almost safe neighborhood runs 1200 monthly here before utilities. And this isn’t even a HCOL area. I don’t think folks are staying with their parents bc they want luxuries.

OTOH, lots of parents actually like having their adult children at home. Someone to bill share with that isn’t a stranger? Someone with a stronger back to help with yard work? Quality time with your family before someone dies?

It’s cool to have roomies unless they’re your family?

[McGurk]

The exact same apartment that I rented in college, 78 - 81, starting at $327 a month for a three bedroom, now rents for $1525 a month. In an area that has declined considerably since 1978. Minimum wage was $2.35 in 78, and and was $7.25 as recently as 2021.

It’s not the granite countertops.

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

It’s also very easy of us to type “find a shitty apartment with no savings in a new area, navigate finding a new job (even though you’ve only worked on your parents’ farm), and give up horses for now” on a board. Actually doing that, and going from living in material comfort with at least some security of what you’ll do every day and where your meals are coming from is another matter. Even many women who are adults have trouble walking away from abusive marriages with wealthy men.

We also don’t know the full circumstances and have only heard the OP’s side of the story, so none of us can say with 100% confidence that walking away is the best thing for her.

FWIW, of the young people I do know who made a successful financial and emotional total break from their middle-class parents, usually they did have some help and somewhere to go–another relative’s house, a boyfriend or girlfriend’s house–that wasn’t just a random apartment. This isn’t a street savvy kid (I wouldn’t consider myself street-savvy either, BTW)!

So my only “advice” would be to find someone outside the family dynamic who can give objective advice and a read on the situation. The horse right now is not the main issue.