Nope, closed, done

[anon15718925]

@lenapesadie

It’s cool to have roomies unless they’re your family?

I live with my mom, again, totally intend to move out at some point but career-wise/financially just not quite there yet and my bosses kinda suck so part-time hours and less-than-ideal wage it is while I work on getting in a better job situation. Yes, I know, I chose journalism, knew what I was in for but this was the kinda job where you don’t know what it’s going to be until you’re well into it.

That said - me still living at home sure as heck came in handy when mom had a stroke this summer (she’s fine now, it wasn’t as bad as it could be, like if you met her today you would not know she’d had one, I am darn lucky when I called randomly about something completely innocuous/mild rant-y from the coffee shop after a meeting I’d covered that she was able to answer and speak well enough to tell me to come home.)

I hate seeing all this, “young people living with their parents” conversation go in a broader direction as it just makes me feel SO self-conscious about how I’m friggin’ 30 and still live with mom. Living situation aside, I’m self-sufficient and generally a frugal person and I feel like half of COTH thinks those in similar boats to myself are all here because we want “luxury.” Heck I’ve never HAD luxury, grew up in an old farmhouse, lived with mom and grandma in a nice but not upscale duplex in my teens, now share an apartment (again nice but we def don’t have granite counter tops, it ain’t huge, and we have a lovely view of a road and a parking lot from our back deck) w/mom. I drive a beater car that I’m planning to replace this year. I haven’t ridden a horse regularly since probably 2016.

And I don’t have college debt. I know once I’m in a better career situation I will absolutely be fine. Not everyone is even lucky enough to be able to say that.

@Impractical_Horsewoman

It’s also very easy of us to type “find a shitty apartment with no savings in a new area, navigate finding a new job (even though you’ve only worked on your parents’ farm), and give up horses for now” on a board. Actually doing that, and going from living in material comfort with at least some security of what you’ll do every day and where your meals are coming from is another matter. Even many women who are adults have trouble walking away from abusive marriages with wealthy men.

We also don’t know the full circumstances and have only heard the OP’s side of the story, so none of us can say with 100% confidence that walking away is the best thing for her.

This - I haven’t given it much thought but I think that’s why I’ve erred on telling her “do what you need to” (not that I expect people in that situation to know exactly what that looks like).

When you don’t know thing one about adulting (hate using that as a verb but for this it works) and, let’s be real, most college-aged people don’t know that much about adulting even if, yes, they are legally adults, they’re still very much figuring it out and when you don’t get along with your parents that likely makes it even harder. Like, I can have an honest conversation with my mom, but I get not everyone can (I had a friend in HS who had a rough home life, dropped out, struck out on her own, IDK what all happened between when we were about 16-17 (she was about a year older than me and was held back at some point) and when we reconnected in our late 20s but these days she (seems to) get along better w/her mom (who was absolutely abusive towards her when she was a teen). If you’ve had a rocky home life and all, you’re probably not going to have all the life skills needed to just go out and be independent right away, you need to develop those, too.

OP - I know you’re long gone, but I do hope you’re doing well.

[lenapesadie]

I personally don’t see what the big deal is about folks living with family. You make another good point about being on hand to assist a parent with health related things.

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

I lived with my mom until she passed. It worked for both of us. She did the same with my grandmother. Multigenerational families used to be the norm, rather than the exception. As long as it’s benefiting everyone, I think it’s a great thing

It’s only not great if it becomes weird and controlling or one person doesn’t want to be there (or wants the kid out). Again, we don’t know the OP’s full situation, only her perspective. It might be better to get a “life plan” in place versus “just leaving.”

FWIW, one reason it’s so hard for poor kids to strike out on their own is that they have no safety net. It’s one thing to be “on your own,” it’s another thing to not have change to do your laundry or any gas money to get to your job, and no parent to even give you a small loan to not get behind.

[Scribbler]

@Impractical_Horsewoman

I lived with my mom until she passed. It worked for both of us. She did the same with my grandmother. Multigenerational families used to be the norm, rather than the exception. As long as it’s benefiting everyone, I think it’s a great thing

It’s only not great if it becomes weird and controlling or one person doesn’t want to be there (or wants the kid out). Again, we don’t know the OP’s full situation, only her perspective. It might be better to get a “life plan” in place versus “just leaving.”

FWIW, one reason it’s so hard for poor kids to strike out on their own is that they have no safety net. It’s one thing to be “on your own,” it’s another thing to not have change to do your laundry or any gas money to get to your job, and no parent to even give you a small loan to not get behind.

Yes. That’s true. And one of the things that made it easy to move out in college was you could find a room in a house within your network of friends. And pick up adulting skills in a low stakes environment.

I would not tell a modern kid with a good relationship with their parents to leave home just for the sake of it.

I was telling OP to get themselves out same as I would a person in an abusive marriage. I don’t really think OP can or will. But I wanted to make the point in the strongest possible way that the most important issue here is not the horse. The most important issue is the physically violent relationship with their mother. OP was presenting it as incidental to “horse abuse” as if this was some kind of normal.

[Salty]

We trained ours to go on both leads, do flying changes, and go in a frame where I worked with race horses. They were also trained to stand quietly on a loose rein after a work.

[Salty]

Oops, I see that the conversation has moved on. Sorry!

I agree that it can be great to live in a multi-generational household, with relatives or not. But it’s not great for the OP.

[blue_heron]

@Impractical_Horsewoman

It’s also very easy of us to type “find a shitty apartment with no savings in a new area, navigate finding a new job (even though you’ve only worked on your parents’ farm), and give up horses for now” on a board. Actually doing that, and going from living in material comfort with at least some security of what you’ll do every day and where your meals are coming from is another matter. Even many women who are adults have trouble walking away from abusive marriages with wealthy men.

Wanted to emphasize this-- my parents, both of whom grew up very poor, had severe financial anxieties, despite making very good salaries, owning their house and cars, and living frugally. There was nothing, within reason, that we could not have found a way to make it work. Of course that never happened. My parents could not let go of the deficit mindset. They still live like they are poor, complain they have no money, fret about buying groceries. A few years ago we went through their will together, which included a look through their portfolio and my mom’s business books. It was an incredibly eye-opening experience for me.

It took me a long time to grieve what had been taken from me as a kid-- not that I wanted the best of the best of everything, but that I was made to feel like a burden, mostly financially, to my parents. I felt I couldn’t ask for anything material. When I did, I often got the “money is tight” talk or made to feel shameful for wanting something other kids had, or the experiences my friends got with their families (or their horses). AND that I had a severely inflated idea of what it took to survive. I was extremely naive in that I looked at people with 50k salaries and couldn’t imagine how they managed in the world. I lived with my parents far too long, because their anxiety and their manipulative tendencies made me believe I couldn’t survive on my own without a six figure salary and dual income, much less have a horse (or kids, though I have never wanted them). I finally got brave enough and angry enough to move out and took my horse with me. Turns out I could afford my horse, my rent and groceries and gas money, and put a little away every month.

[Tarlo_Farm]

@Salty

We trained ours to go on both leads, do flying changes, and go in a frame where I worked with race horses. They were also trained to stand quietly on a loose rein after a work.

Quarter horses? The more fit the TBs I worked with, the more restless they were, unless they’d just come back from a race. Not a work out, but a race.

[Salty]

Baby Thoroughbreds at a training center. We also had horses rehabbing from injuries and they stood at the gap, too.

[PamnReba]

I think one of the biggest benefits of going AWAY to college is the education you receive concerning life. You have to learn to take care of yourself, your finances, your classes, your less than ideal roommates, and on and on. The classroom stuff is all well and good, but if you can’t manage the basics, like making sure you get a good meal at least once per day, it doesn’t matter. Too bad OP can’t do something like that.

[atl_hunter]

OP CAN do something like that, though. OP is an adult!

Imagine if OP’s parent’s died and left her with nothing? What would OP do, then? OP would likely find a way figure it out… Trust me on this one.

Now OP, don’t go trying rat poison as a sugar sub in mom’s coffee anytime soon to test this theory.

[Texarkana]

@PamnReba

I think one of the biggest benefits of going AWAY to college is the education you receive concerning life. You have to learn to take care of yourself, your finances, your classes, your less than ideal roommates, and on and on. The classroom stuff is all well and good, but if you can’t manage the basics, like making sure you get a good meal at least once per day, it doesn’t matter. Too bad OP can’t do something like that.

Totally agree. As the world pushes back on higher Ed (much to my chagrin), I hope we fill this void somehow.

[Ghazzu]

@PamnReba

I think one of the biggest benefits of going AWAY to college is the education you receive concerning life. You have to learn to take care of yourself, your finances, your classes, your less than ideal roommates, and on and on. The classroom stuff is all well and good, but if you can’t manage the basics, like making sure you get a good meal at least once per day, it doesn’t matter

I agree. It’s a bit like adulting with training wheels.

[Scribbler]

@Texarkana

@PamnReba

I think one of the biggest benefits of going AWAY to college is the education you receive concerning life. You have to learn to take care of yourself, your finances, your classes, your less than ideal roommates, and on and on. The classroom stuff is all well and good, but if you can’t manage the basics, like making sure you get a good meal at least once per day, it doesn’t matter. Too bad OP can’t do something like that.

Totally agree. As the world pushes back on higher Ed (much to my chagrin), I hope we fill this void somehow.

Statistically it’s interesting. We assume going away to college is the norm in the US but as I recall, it’s not the majority experience if you look at post secondary generally including community college and people attending university in their home cities.

In Canada almost all post secondary is public and established in large population centers, unlike the American private universities dotted around in tiny “college towns.” In my day, and even mostly today, people attend a university in their home town. The exception seems to be the children of my friends who themselves have a university education and some financial resources, and who help their children navigate towards a “good” school elsewhere for their goals.

Attending college in your home town complicates the inherent and really useful break created by college away. Most of the American residential colleges seem to require first year students to live in dorms, which is transitional, and then they can choose to move off campus in later years, usually in shared roommate situations.

But if you don’t go away to college it can make sense to live with your parents and then stay there after too unless you get a job out of town.

Now I was willing to make any financial and lifestyle sacrifice in order to get out on my own in college and after, because my family was dysfunctional.

It’s a big learning curve for an 18 or 19 year old to start adulting. But I suspect that for someone who lives with their parents or especially a single parent in a more roommate type relationship, that by the time they are 25 or 29 they have picked up household management skills just fine, especially if they have been contributing to the household budget and chores.

I think that the higher ranked residential colleges will continue to thrive, however. They push their students into close relationships that serve them for a lifetime of professional contacts, and they jump start adulting skills. They also make a break with high school and parent/child patterns in a totally acceptable way. Sending your child to a good college to live in a dorm (if you can afford it) makes a first step to independence that’s very different from your 18 year old moving out to share a basement suite because they don’t want to follow your house rules, etc

[anon15718925]

Yeah and given what college costs these days I think going to college as much for the education re. life as “studying something that can get you a job” is overrated.

I went to community college followed by online school. Commuted to community college, balanced online school w/part-time job at Walmart for several months.

My life skills are solid.

I can cook meals, handle finances, handle working and getting along with “less-than-ideal” folks (if I didn’t have some ability to get along with a variety of people I doubt I’d survive five minutes in my job. )

The world is changing, moving away for college isn’t going to be in the cards for everyone. (I could’ve done it but by the time I got through community college I just wanted the quickest route to my bachelor’s degree b/c I was sooooo over more education. Not that I don’t VALUE education and learning, but I just was kinda over the kind of learning you do in schools/classrooms if that makes sense. I took a little longer than “typical” to get through community college just due to a lot of family/life stuff going on at the time and one class that was only offered in the fall - got my associate’s in 3 years instead of 2. Bachelor’s I got through in maybe a year and a half, started my bachelor’s in June '15 (finished associate’s in December '14 and had a slight gap with transferring and all) and finished it in Spring '17)

@Scribbler

But I suspect that for someone who lives with their parents or especially a single parent in a more roommate type relationship, that by the time they are 25 or 29 they have picked up household management skills just fine, especially if they have been contributing to the household budget and chores.

This.

I mean okay I think something might’ve gotten screwed up with the electric bill (which my mom pays) when she had her stroke (called the electric company, explained situation b/c I couldn’t get in on my mom’s laptop, had the nicest customer service dude ever on the other end of the phone.) b/c mom had to sort something out w/them once she was out of hospital/rehab (she was in for most of July) but like, no one turned the lights off on me soooooo it didn’t get TOO screwed up. My mom was sorting it out and I was like, “hold up what the heck I called the electric company and that customer service dude said it was good to go/sorted out, huh?”

Also to @Texarkana’s point about the world pushing back on higher ed somehow possibly = these kids not getting life skills gained by moving out on their own for college.

I had a younger second cousin who graduated this year who went to trade school out of state to become a lineman. He still had to move out (actually kinda twice - his dad and step-mom moved out of state, he had just finished high school and was going to be going to trade school soon so didn’t want to move w/them and moved in w/his grandpa, my uncle, for the summer) and all to attend school.

Also he’s no dummy - he went to a good private HS in this area, ran XC, as far as I know made good grades. Think he finished up at trade school not too long ago and if he doesn’t have a job yet from what my uncle has said it doesn’t seem like he’s going to have a hard time finding one.

While I went the college route myself, I don’t think college (or trade school, the military, etc. alternately) is going to be the right path for everyone. I don’t think the system should push trade school, etc. to the exclusion of college but nor should we push college to the exclusion of trade school.

EDITING TO ADD: That said w/regards to OP’s situation, college may be an option. I don’t know, she’s left this thread, we know what she’s told us and college is an option at any age. I was in community college and online classes with folks of all ages.