Nope

[RhythmNCruise]

@PeregrineHagen

I have some things that I would like to keep for memories of my 40 years with horses. And I likely have a lot of stuff to sell.

This is heartbreaking…

Yes, and reading this made my heart go out to you even more. It’s much more than just saying goodbye to your old horse. I’m sure it feels like you’re saying goodbye to your old SELF as well. The one who spent 40 years in the horse world. That is a really hard thing to do. As long as Chase is out there, even if you haven’t seen him in years, there’s a tiny part of you still “in horses”. Once he’s gone…yeah. I totally, TOTALLY get it. I had a similar experience when I lost one 28 year old (acute colic), and then less than a year later I lost my beloved heart horse (saw him take his first breath and his last at age 22…broken leg). That left me with one 11 year old gelding and a farm I no longer felt I needed or wanted to take care of. But man. I had that farm for 20 years. It was bought specifically for the two horses who are now buried on it. With them gone, especially my heart horse, I just felt like my life had no center. My farm and horses WERE my life.

So, yeah. In all honesty, as devastated as I was to lose my horses, it was the realization that I needed to sell the farm and move on with MY life that really was the hardest part. I am lucky that I still have my one gelding and have a good place to board him, etc. I see him every day and ride when I can. But it was still tough to go through that transition.

I wish you the very best during this difficult time. You’re going to be fine, but it’s also perfectly fine to NOT be okay with this. Cry it out. Ugly cry. Snot it up good. I cried so hard I fell down on my bedroom floor and thought I was going to suffocate from sadness. It was horrible. But it was also necessary.

You are in my thoughts.

[RhythmNCruise]

Regarding euthanasia. I don’t necessarily agree with everything Horse Plus Humane Society does (youtube channel…horse rescue/adoption operation). But I do like how they call euthanasia “the last act of kindness.” That it is.

[furlong47]

Euthanasia may be the most difficult choice, but it’s also the kindest thing you can do for your horse. Finding a home for a 30 year old pasture pet is hard enough, but when he has special housing requirements that makes it even more difficult. Since he’s lived in the same place for a long time, it may also be very hard on him to move and adjust to a new routine even if you did find such a situation. Putting him to sleep yourself guarantees that his last minutes will be pleasant and peaceful, whereas if you rehome him you lose control of the situation and he could end up at auction, at slaughter, starved, in pain, or some other thing you don’t want for him. Euthanizing in this situation is actually keeping your promise to care for him until he dies. It’s a final kindness you can do for your horse.

[PeregrineHagen]

Nope

[Warmblood1]

I really hope your situation looks up. I also really hope you are able to see him at the barn. I think that would be great - seeing him, saying goodbye and him departing peacefully. I know the turmoil you feel before having to euthanize. It just sucks. But I will say that of the difficult euthanasias I’ve had to do, the only ones I regret were when a catastrophe happened and the animal suffered prior to departing. I will never forget those as much as I wish. The ones that happened peacefully hurt like hell but the peaceful endings are so much easier to recover and move on with, though it surely does take time.

[farfel]

I recall you posting on the board many years ago about Chase. I’m very sorry that your fortunes have changed since then. I agree with the other posters that handing care over to the barn owner, or euthanasia, are in Chase’s best interests.

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

Even though your barn owner offered you half board, I’m incredibly gutted she’s not more compassionate about your own, personal situation. If that’s truly the case, she might be a good horse person, but she really needs to look deeper within herself to find compassion about humans.

I will also reiterate what others have said. I think you need to speak with her, explain your situation, and then, ideally see your horse. I also agree that he might not be the same horse you remember, given how quickly old horses age. Think of the difference between, say, a fifteen and an eighteen-year-old horse or a twenty-five and a thirty-year-old horse.

The person I am mainly concerned about in this thread, however, is you. I am no expert, but is there anyone who knows of resources, like a medical advocate, social worker, or someone who can act as a liaison between yourself and your insurance company to move forward so you can get the medication you need? If also, possibly, counseling (even virtual counseling) to help you process your terrible losses?

Your horse is absolutely beautiful and I’m so glad you shared that photo with us.

[PeregrineHagen]

Nope

[Scribbler]

@PeregrineHagen

Well as someone who has seen MANY Drs since my car accident (at least 40 now in the last 8 years) I can tell you that Drs have some of the least understanding about disability.

The barn owner is a Dr. So there’s that…

As far as the medication there are 2…
One you can get for $0 if you have private insurance like through a job or something. I can’t work so nope.

You can also get it for $0 if you are on Medicare and are considered low income which as a married person I am never going to be considered the low income they need. If I was low income I would be homeless.

So with Medicare and being married (even though my husband just lost his job) it’s $500 a month for 8 pills.

So it’s one I will have to do without. And have been doing without.

The main one that is the life saving one isn’t covered through insurance AT ALL. Ever.

It’s a cheap med so I have always been able to afford it. What is happening is there is no one to prescribe it anymore. He is ending telemedicine so I’m out of luck. No one near me, or in my state, or in any other state is prescribing it anymore.

So there is nothing I can do. I can get the med easily. IF I have a prescription. Which I can’t get.

So honestly when I run out of my current supply I will likely be slowly dying. Good times…

I’m not sure if this is dark humor or how you really feel. It worries me though. I realize the American medical system is a hot mess, very complicated, and has significant gaps (I’m speaking as a Canadian). I also know from experience that even in Canada where care is simpler, that when you have a significant health issue it can be really hard to navigate even a fairly simple system because your mood, cognition, energy, levels are changed by the health problems.

So I echo the advice a poster gave above that you need to find an advocate. Are you in contact with any agencies for disabled people? You need an advocate that understands the whole system and can get you access to prescriptions again. Also you would probably benefit from chatting to a counsellor about the horse and other things in your life. It sounds like you are in a really difficult time right now and the horse is just part of that.

[PeregrineHagen]

Nope

[Alex_and_Bodie_s_Mom]

@PeregrineHagen

What is happening is there is no one to prescribe it anymore. He is ending telemedicine so I’m out of luck. No one near me, or in my state, or in any other state is prescribing it anymore.

Your doctor has an ethical responsibility to hep you find another doctor that will prescribe this, a referral. There has to be someone who will look at your chart and say “yes, you need this” and will prescribe it. Hospitals have advocates on staff that do exactly this kind of thing; you may have already gone this route, but even if so, you need to try it again.

[PeregrineHagen]

Nope.

[starsandsun]

You’ve got a great hive mind on COTH … if it isn’t too much of an intrusion (and it may be), would you want to share any specific information so we can turn over all the rocks also? Maybe someone could find something that works for you.

I understand if that is too much for you though.

[PeregrineHagen]

Nope

[SuzieQNutter]

You are not a monster, you are a kind hearted owner, wishing to give the kindest, greatest gift in the World. Simply call and book in for a lame, in pain, 30 year old horse to be put down.

[Highflyer1]

Just be honest. “I have a 30 year old horse with some pre-existing issues, and I’ve reached a point where I’m no longer able to support him. I’d like to schedule an appointment to euthanize him before the weather gets bad or it becomes an emergency.”

[Warmblood1]

I think any vet is going to understand euthanasia for a 30 year old horse, regardless of their issues.

[Alex_and_Bodie_s_Mom]

It’s not an easy call, I know.

“I have a 30-year old horse who has health issues. I don’t want to put him through another winter. I’d like to make an appointment to have him put down.”

I can’t imagine any vet not being sympathetic and understanding about this. You’re NOT a monster - you’re doing the best and kindest thing for your horse. It is also the HARDEST thing we can do for our horses, but you’ll see that no one has judged you here, because we’ve been there. I really can’t see any vet judging you, either.

[PeregrineHagen]

Nope

[starsandsun]

Can you send an email? I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had to euthanize horses, dogs, cats … and it never gets easier. But sometimes I can’t get the words out and I send an email that literally starts with “I can’t say this on the phone without breaking down.”