(Not) riding after loss of heart horse

[DarkHorse1]

I’ll start by admitting that I’m writing under an alter. These thoughts are so sad and private that I really just don’t want them associated with the real me.

I lost my heart horse recently. The circumstances are pretty devastating (aren’t they always?).

Now I don’t want to ride. I don’t want to go to the barn. I don’t want to work with my other horse. I’ve lost too many dear horses in my riding career, and this loss is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I am emotionally squashed, kaput, done. I want to burn my tack, pick up new interests, and walk away from all this.

My trainers have invested so much time and effort into my remaining horse. He’s a good guy, too. They’re going to be really sad (and possibly even upset?) if I decide to sell him. And who knows…maybe one day I’ll regret it. But right now, I just cannot deal with the never-ending demands and stressors of horse ownership. That includes leasing him out, because we all know that’s stressful too.

Anyone ever felt this way? What happens next? I feel like any decision is the wrong decision.

[trubandloki]

I think actually no decision is a wrong decision if it is what works for you.

If your trainers are upset that you want to sell, that is a them problem, not a you problem.

Mourning is so personal. We all do it our own way. Your way is just as right as my way.
Sell your other horse. Let yourself smile that someone else gets to enjoy the work you made possible for him, while you do not have to deal with any horse stress.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

[QHEventer]

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I have not been in your shoes, so I don’t know exactly what you’re feeling right now.

The only advice I’d like to offer, and you can take it or leave it obviously, is that I NEVER make big decisions when I’m emotionally compromised. If your other horse is at the trainer’s, can you just put him in full training and stay away from the barn for a few months? Find a junior to keep him going so you don’t have to stress about him? I would hate for you to make a decision you would regret down the road. In the end, you may still end up selling, but I think you’ll feel better about your decision if you can make it with a clear head and no emotions involved.

Big hugs!

[2tempe]

Second the above. You need to do what’s right for you. Here’s the thing - sometimes horses dont sell very fast. Dont know you or the horse or anything, so this is just a general comment. But my point is, that given your mind set, I would put a price on the horse and get it out there - if you feel differently in a month or whenever, you can always change your mind.
Pay your trainers, and dont feel the need to go. I have a young one in training now and my trainer would understand completely if I said "no I just cant come watch or whatever for a while. " Its not wrong, and no one else has to agree.
There have been others posting here in the past with similar feelings. What happens next is really up to you - so have a plan to fill the space that was your barn time. What new interests? Biking? Painting? Back to school? That will be important. Good luck

[OfCourseItsAnAlter]

First, don’t do anything in haste. You should never make big decisions in the immediate aftermath of a life altering event. You don’t have to go see or ride your young horse, but if it’s financially feasible, maintain the status quo for a few months while you adjust to your new reality.

I have known people who got out of horses after a loss like this and it was the right decision for them. I used to know a family that all rode together. Horses were their family activity. But, their horses grew older and eventually all of them were gone, either from illness or just old age. The father told me they were never going to have horses again because they didn’t live long enough and it was just too difficult to lose them.

I know someone who used to keep dogs of a very large breed with a fairly short (by human standards) lifespan. She never replaced the last of her dogs for the same reason - it’s just too hard to lose them.

And that was the right decision for those people.

I guess I’m wired differently, if you want to call it that. I’ve euthanized three equines (all oldies) due to various health issues in the past 10-ish(?) years. It’s awful. It’s painful. I still shed tears when I think about them. But, I love my horses and what they bring to my life. I never, for one moment, ever thought about not continuing to have horses in my life - and that’s the right decision for me.

There is no wrong decision here, there’s only the one that’s the best decision for you.

[Moon_River]

I’m 2 years down the road of not having a horse after having them as a major part of my life (multiple horses at once, all on self care, and spending many years working as an instructor). I lost my young beautiful amazing and lame horse at 8 and put my retired horse down at the same time as his health issues were also worsening. It killed me and I walked away.

So far I’m not regretting it, I’m not sure how much of that feeling is related to the timing too, I was really happy not to have horses at the start of the pandemic (at which point I was 6 months without a horse and just starting to feel a bit more myself!). The only contact I have kept up is reading this forum and I think that is partly because I’m not in or from the US and many of the online conversations are about things that are not part of my real life experiences so it all feels a bit more removed.

I would remove any thoughts about your trainer’s feelings from your decision making, that is irrelevant to you and not your responsibility to take on. Would it be an option to have a break of say a month (or more) where your horse either goes on full care with training rides or alternatively has a holiday himself so you can just not go to see him for a period of time and see if that clarifies things for you one way or another? Obviously that only works if you have people you can trust completely to look after him.

[2DogsFarm]

@OfCourseItsAnAlter

never make big decisions in the immediate aftermath of a life altering event.

While I agree with this in general, when I lost both my horses (including my Forever Horse of 20+yrs) in the same day, I could not handle my empty barn.
In the aftermath of the tragedy, while staying with a friend, I surfed COTH & found my next horse on Giveaways.
Lost him 5yrs later (to an anaerobic infection) & knew I still needed a horse in my Life.
I had a pasturepet Hackney Pony, but wanted something to ride.
2mos later a friend gifted me my current horse.

I’m not telling you the same is what you need to do.
But as others said, a sale might not happen instantly - giving you time to heal and/or reconsider.
What your trainers feel is not your problem.

{Hugs} for your loss.
Hope it gets better for you & you find the Right For You solution.

ETA:
I was almost 60yo when I lost the 2 & had brought them home just 5yrs before.

[AnastasiaBeaverhousen]

I commiserate with you on your loss
It is truly devastating

I feel you on why you want to be done.
But try not to make any decisions based on anger.

Give yourself time to grieve and mourn.

As long as you can afford to keep your horse in training and don’t incur any financial difficulties, it may be good to just do nothing.

You’ll have good days and bad days .
Hugs to you.
PM if you need to vent.

[BrendaJane]

look into grief counceling for yourself, regardless of your decission about your remaining horse.
my thoughts are with you.

[candyappy]

We all process our grief differently and if that is how you are feeling you need to let it out.

I will admit that when I lose a beloved animal it tends to make me appreciate the ones I have left and not experience what you are going through.

Maybe talking through your emotions and feelings with a professional BEFORE you sell your remaining horse ( and all that goes with him) from your life completely is a good idea.

It is never advised to make major life decisions right after a spouse dies( I know this is different but still applies) and I think you would be wise to just hang on and process your grief first. Let your trainer handle the horse issues if you need time.

[gradytb]

Agree with the above. You don’t have to make any decision right now if you’re mourning. Better not to. I have been in your shoes and almost a year later, I still miss Roo. I lost 2 others a year before. I have to kick myself in the butt to get on and ride the guy I adopted to keep him company. And he’s an awesome guy. Give yourself the grace to take whatever time you need. And the people who care about you will understand and be fine.

[Sue_B]

Dec 26 2013 one of my beloved horses galloped up to me and my son in the beautiful snowy pasture…and dropped dead. He literally took his last breath with his head in my lap, the other horses in a semi-circle looking on. For the next 2 months I did not ride, son fed horses for me, I just made sure they were healthy, uninjured. Thing is, I had a newish, green broke TB that really needed riding (the other 2 were basically retired) and he started whinnying to me every day just wanting to be petted. Finally in late February, I climbed on and went back to work. I simply needed time to heal, and I took it. Selling his saddle etc came much later but take the time it takes, no rush.

[BrendaJane]

how are you doing?

[DarkHorse1]

Nice of you to ask. Thank you. I have been forcing myself out to the barn because my other horse has a minor wound that needs tending. Still not excited to ride, but I’ll admit that I enjoy seeing his sweet face.

[walkinthewalk]

I agree it is your decision, nobody else’s.

I was 13 when my first heart horse was born on my parents farm and 42 when I had to lay his 29 yr old self to rest. I raised & trained him under my grandfather’s watchful eye.

The loss was devastating. It took me a year to get over that loss. One day I heard a neighbor’s truck & trailer lumbering up the road and I rushed to the front window to see what horses he had in the stock trailer.

It wasn’t the horse neighbor, it was the cattle neighbor taking cows to the weekly auction. That was when I knew it was time to look for another horse and be glad I never sold my horse trailer or tack:)

Wishing you the best in your healing process, however long that takes:)

[She_s_a_Carpenter]

It’s been a long time since anyone posted on this thread and I just registered so I don’t know if you all are still even here, but wondering how you are doing? I lost my heart horse almost 2 years ago and I’m sitting here on this beautiful day looking at my 2 current horses and having no desire to ride them but knowing I should get them out, feeling guilty because I’m sure they’re bored with their lives. I found this thread when I went online to search for other people’s experiences with this. I never thought the day would come that riding wouldn’t be therapy for me but I’m wondering if it’s come to that.

[trubandloki]

@She_s_a_Carpenter

It’s been a long time since anyone posted on this thread and I just registered so I don’t know if you all are still even here, but wondering how you are doing? I lost my heart horse almost 2 years ago and I’m sitting here on this beautiful day looking at my 2 current horses and having no desire to ride them but knowing I should get them out, feeling guilty because I’m sure they’re bored with their lives. I found this thread when I went online to search for other people’s experiences with this. I never thought the day would come that riding wouldn’t be therapy for me but I’m wondering if it’s come to that.

I am guessing that your horses are not bored at all. So don’t feel bad for that.

[Fiesta01]

Sorry to hear you’re dealing with this. As long as your horses are turned out, they’re not bored. If they’re in stalls all the time, that would be a different story.

Be kind to yourself. Just make sure your horses are out and happy, then take as much time as you need to heal. {{{Hugs}}}

[SuzieQNutter]

As above and also don’t wait for motivation to ride. Go and ride and then the motivation comes in.

[hoopoe]

Dark Horse has not been on since January when she was talking about giving her horse over to a talented junior.

There is no one answer. Some people find that having backyard pets totally fine. They have to allow themselves to feel that is OK. I agree with others that your horses do not pine for the days they were out in the arena or whatever, Yours have food companionship of each other and that life is pretty good.

Do you have a riding friend that you can call and see if they want to go on a trail ride? You dont mention what you did with your riding, a quiet hack my be enough for all concerned.