Nothing to fear but fear itself - dealing with fear after a riding accident

[alter-real]

(SO SORRY FOR THE DOUBLE POST - I accidentally posted on the “off course” after all. I thought I had only done a “preview” but I actually posted it - I have lots to learn still about using computers. Many apologies for the faux pas). I’m not sure if this is the right forum for this thread - I considered posting in “off course” but as I do have some disabilities and injuries I thought perhaps this was the right place. Also, sorry for the extreme length! Being succinct is not my forte. I’m hoping to find encouragement and to be told that developing fear is normal and does not mean the end of one’s riding career.

I’ve had horses for 20 years, which is almost 2/3 of my life. I’ve worked as a groom for professionals traveling to shows all over the country, handling stallions in all sorts of environments. I’ve camped alone in the mountains with my horse and I galloped cross-country bareback in a halter on a regular basis back when my horse was still jumping. I’ve ridden up & down trails in the Himalayas that would impress a Tevis cup rider. I had my share of falls as a kid & teen (I was an eventer) and never really developed any fear. I backed off of jumping for awhile after I rode an OTTB that would deliberately throw me onto cross-country jumps, but it didn’t take long to get confident again once I got a horse who was a point & shoot jumper. I now ride upper level dressage and enjoy working with hot, sensitive horses. I’m older than I once was but I’m not old and while I do have some health problems (chronic diseases & multiple concussions - not horse related) it has only affected my energy level, never my confidence in riding or handling horses.

Early this year I got kicked rather badly. I was simply walking around a stable yard with a young lady leading a mare behind me, a horse-length’s distance away. For no apparent reason the mare spun around 180 degrees and kicked me in the back, throwing me like a ragdoll. Had her hoof landed an inch away it would have been my spine, had she been any closer it would have been my kidney, but I ended up with only a bruised diaphragm and soft tissue injuries. It was the worst injury AND the most unexpected, random one I’ve had from a horse.
It took me awhile to be able to go anywhere near a horse’s hindquarters, even my own horses’, but I mostly got over it. I still get nervous hearing excited or frantic hoofbeats, like a fresh horse being lunged, and I can’t easily bring myself to walk behind a horse (even though I’ve never been kicked that way).

Fast forward to late this summer when my own horse spooks in the washrack and lands on my foot. I had a few little broken bones and nerve damage. Mid-November and I’m still limping, but not so badly. This was my first ever broken bone, first time using crutches, etc. It didn’t affect me psychologically but it was a PIA and a set-back. I continued to ride without stirrups and this did not bother me, even when my horses were high or excited.

A few weeks ago I was riding an extremely athletic horse without stirrups and he tucked his butt & launched forward. I was thrown neatly onto his neck but being cold-backed this terrified him and he started spinning, causing me to slip. I decided to bail and landed on my back. I had a helmet but I got whiplash and am still, weeks later, somewhat dizzy. He’s never done such a thing in the 3 years I’ve owned him - he’s a sensitive horse but is generally very aware of his rider and only does leaps like that on his own time. This was my first fall in 10 years and my first fall as an adult.

I haven’t been on that horse since. He’s my own horse, but honestly I’m terrified. My other horse (foot stomper) has been coming back from a suspensory issue so he’s also been a bit high - he is usually the easiest horse to handle, great with children, etc but has become full of himself with no turnout and only very controlled exercise. This did not bother me one bit until my fall, but as time goes on it’s become a big issue for me. Being slightly dizzy, slightly limping and overprotective of my body I have found myself getting more & more timid.

My horse has also become progressively more spooky, which is not helping anything. The spooking has escalated to the point where I can’t help but predict a blow-up every time he so much as looks at something - and while this may be due to his stall rest (and possible ulcers or declining eyesight - I’m getting him checked out) I’m aware that my fear is making him much more afraid than he would be if I were confident & calm. Last week he was high but very well-behaved about it, but a few days ago he was seeing ghosts everywhere and very suddenly trying to bolt away from them, running backwards and bucking while I was leading him - that day I became afraid of him for the first time in my 12 years of owning him. This is, however, not the first time I’ve handled a difficult horse so I was astonished to find that I was so beside myself. Today he was quite calm but I was so scared that all I could imagine was him spooking, knocking me over and kicking me in the head. Neither he nor any other horse has ever done this to me, but I ended up walking him with an iron grip on the lead rope and nearly jumping out of my skin every time he so much as looked at something. I handed him off to my non-horsey husband and he walked around like he was an old nose-to-tail trail horse. Even thinking of going on a trail ride or leading a horse makes me incredibly nervous - I can picture myself hanging onto the horn of a western saddle like a first-time rider on an old trail horse.

I’m aware that my horse has issues that need addressing (and I’m working on that, having a vet out, etc) but my fear is what I’m writing about - I’m beyond embarrassed and it’s just not something I’ve ever experienced. It’s also not helping my horses. A friend tried to reassure me that even professionals can become fearful after accidents. Please, friends, tell me that you have been through this and that it got better; that you didn’t suddenly become a complete wimp for the rest of your days and have to switch over to riding only 30-year old school horses and therapy ponies.

[downen]

Your post stuck a chord with me. From the sounds of it, I’m probably not nearly as good a rider as you, but I do have a similar background: rode anything I could as a kid, bareback across the countryside (no helmet, of course), had my share of falls. In my 20s to 30s I evented a 14 hand Arab to Training level, then took some time off to have kids and adapt to some chronic illnesses (MS among them). Now that my kids are teens, I’m trying to get into the groove again. Bought a TB/Paint this spring that turned out to be mentally unbalanced, and he panicked and broke my arm against the wall of the stall, my first break ever. The break turned into two surgeries and I’m finally on the mend and have just bought what I’m hoping will be my sane dressage partner, with possibly some low-level jumping.

In retrospect, I’ve had the cold knot of fear in my stomach ever since I fell off in a group lesson at about age 8 or 9. When I was younger, the want to ride was stronger than the fear, but now the fear is gaining. If I haven’t ridden in awhile, that knot is in my stomach as I groom and mount, and only fades as I ride and gain confidence. It’s a repeating cycle. The more positive rides, the more it fades. But it’s always there.

I think that you have to really do some soul-searching and take a carefully thought out approach to your riding until you get past this, or at least get a handle on it. My approach is setting myself up for success, i.e. not getting on a horse I don’t feel confident about. To that end, I was able to ride my friend’s talented warmbloods after I watched them schooled by her, and I was certain they would not do anything I could not handle. I am not ashamed to say there are a lot of horses I would never throw a leg over. At 55, I want to ride as long as I can. A bad wreck could end all of that, and I’m not willing to take that chance at this point in my life.

I don’t know if I’ve been helpful, but please, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re just experiencing the natural tendency to protect yourself. As riders, we tend to put that aside when we throw our legs over a 1000+ lb. beast with a flight reflex. Analyze, plan, and be sure to put the emphasis on your enjoyment. Why else do it?

[Laurierace]

Life is too short and horses are WAY too expensive to ride something that scares you. If you need a 30 year old lesson horse to relax and have fun again, so be it. I had a horse on trial over ten years ago that fell like he was shot in an old western while we were cantering. I wasn’t even really that injured but it scares me to this day to some extent. I only really notice it as being uncomfortable cantering jumps. I guess when I get a bad spot and the horse has to chip that it feels like that horse falling to me. So I trot my jumps as much as I can!

[Magicboy]

I urge you to investigate the post trauma therapy called EMDR…its a simple and very effective way to change brain chemistry and reduce ptsd symptoms. Many athletes, accident victims, etc use this with a therapist to deal with fear. It involves eye motions as yd find if you do some online research.

After an awful horse accident, three sessions of this got me back on board.

[alter-real]

Downen, thank you. That was a very thoughtful and helpful response. I thought it over last night and I could probably use some positive experiences in between rehabbing my horse, such as finding a very quiet horse to sit on to remind me that calm is possible. If I can imprint those positive images into my mind it will help me stop visualizing the worst.
Oh, and if I have to ride a plodding pony that’s older than I am for the rest of my days then I’ll just give up riding. That said, I’m not planning on giving up riding. I’ve got my two horses that no one else is going to take care of for me (they are semi-retired and special needs, so they’re keepers) and I’ll have to find a way to get over my fear to properly care for them. I won’t let fear win by allowing it to force me to change my life forever.

[Magicboy]

I mention the EMDR again because it’s a guided tool for replacing the negative experience with positive images and reducing the response the brings up adrenalin.

[jeano]

I don’t think you’ll have to give up riding, nor do you necessarily need a 30 yr old lesson horse. Right after getting horses again as a 52 yr old re-re-rider, I had a horrific fall at speed off my new horse, who at the time hated my guts and was very spooky and opinionated. Nearly ten years later, I not only still have her, but have turned her pretty much into a packer who can be trusted with children and completely green riders.

I suggest a book that addresses traumatic fear of riding.
http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Fear-Riding-Theresa-Jordan/dp/0914327542/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1448120031&sr=8-2&keywords=fear+of+riding

I spent a lot of time with one foot in the stirrup nearly paralyzed with fear of mounting… once on, I was nearly always able to cope with anything my horse threw at me, but my monkey-brain wouldn’t let me get on until I wrestled with it. This could take ten, fifteen minutes. In the process of getting the monkey subdued, my horse got REALLY good at standing patiently.

I also took time to clicker train the horse, which helped our relationship tremendously.

To this day I get the tiniest spurt of anxiety when preparing to mount. Its just one more petty annoyance that I don’t let get in my way(like two fake knees, a bum shoulder, arthritic hands, stiff ankles). I’ve had more falls since the Bad One, several equally as bad, but oddly none have re-traumatized me. Go figure. Perhaps once traumatic fear is managed it has a harder time jumping out to grab you. I don’t know.

[walktrot]

There’s another book called Riding Fear Free that is very good. It takes a step-by-step approach to overcoming whatever is bothering you. Another thing, if you can find it, is John Lyons’ Fear in the Rider, Fear in the Horse, a CD, which I found very helpful. I’m not sure if it is still available at JohnLyons.com, or if you could turn up a copy on eBay.

[Linda]

Two things: If my horse hasnt been out in more than a couple of days, I run him around in the round pen. Takes the edge off and when I see that I need to push him forward, then I know Im going to be comfortable riding him.
Second thing - about 20 yrs ago I was getting scared jumping. Was hard not to think that something bad might happen when I rode. My trainer hooked me up with a sports psychiatrist and what a difference it made. The very short version of this involved going off to a quiet place at the barn and visualizing a good ride on my horse. I had to slow everything down and just relax (sort of like meditation). Then as I became calmer, I would visualize the ride I was going to do that day. I would only allow myself to visualize a positive ride. No issues with my horse or anything else in the arena. Only good rides and succesful jumps. Its hard to do initially, but as I got into the swing of it, it became easier. I spent about 20 to 30 minutes visualizing the good ride I was going to have. And then Ii got on my horse (right away to keep the good vibes going) and continued to think about all the things that WE WERE GOING TO DO SUCCESFULLY. I was able to go from trotting around the ring to returning to jumping and showing. I still use it to this day. When Im going to ride in the morning, I lay in bed before I get up and start visualizing the perfect ride. I continue those good thoughts and do it more at the barn. Very very helpful!

[dog_amp_horsemom]

I saw someone die while jumping ( the horse tripped over the obstacle while eventing prelim. and the girl fell face first ) and that had a huge impact on me. I was just like the post who said she put one foot in the stirrup and was scared to put the leg over her horse. I was ridiculous - and by the way I also use to jump on a horse bareback with a halter and jump around ect ect.
What helped me was - getting a lazy quiet quarter horse and just riding him around so that my new muscle memory was 'comfortable and not afraid on a horse). Then I took lessons on my other horse that was cold backed and spooky. Yes, I was nervous and he crow-hopped that first lesson but after that day he was wonderful because he felt my confidence which came back and he has been wonderful ever since. Yes, horses sense when you are afraid and it isn’t fair to put them through that.
I also studied natural horsemanship and apply it to all of my horses. Although I like Clinton Anderson because he is so easy to understand - Buck Brannaman said in one of his videos - imagine having the power to never be afraid of any horse that you get on - its possible with knowledge!
Good luck - riding is so much fun - I hope you get your confidence back!

[lorilu]

Many hugs to you.
I still have some fear issues from a horse accident 15 years ago. Follow that with one saint of a horse who gave me back riding - then a horse who was a a very bad match,and made my fear issues worse. I had real panic attacks. Finally found a new trainer and a new horse.
Looking back, I think I was a classic case of PTSD. But back then, I don’t think the disease was much recognized.
The secret, for me, was finding the right trainers at the right time, and finally realizing (after about 4 years) that a big part of the problem was NOT ME, but the horse and me together. I could not fix me - and he made me worse.

I decided some of my problem was a hypersensitivity to adrenaline. So, I rode a big coaster at the theme parks (Never done that before). I rode a donkey in Greece and a camel in Egypt. I rode an elephant at the Ren Fair. I purposely tried to expose my body to lots of adrenaline.

Some things that helped along the way - living on St. John’s Wort and various “anti-stress” herbal teas. A technique called EFT tapping http://www.emofree.com/eft-tutorial/tapping-basics/how-to-do-eft.html and - http://www.emofree.com/eft-tutorial/tapping-basics/what-is-eft.html

helped focus me.

And the right horse!! I cannot stress this enough! The right trainer who is willing to work with you - if all you can do is get on the horse and stand there that day, that’s OK!!

And lots of time,
And I realize it will never really be totally gone.

Be determined - you have to want it really badly.