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OCD/Anxiety, Overthinking, and Horse Care

Riders with Health Issues
#1

Hesitated to post this for a while but I’ve seen other sensitive subjects responded to beautifully on this BB so here goes.

I have severe OCD. I have come a long, long way and only those closest to me would notice outward symptoms, and I have long periods where my obsessions and compulsions are very reduced. But as with most people with the disorder, it finds new and interesting ways to manifest.

I am wondering if anyone else has experience with, if they feel comfortable sharing, dealing with OCD or other anxiety disorders related to their horse’s care and how they’ve learned to manage it. I AM in regular therapy with a psychologist specializing in OCD and I adore her, but figured talking with fellow horse lovers might help as well.

Within the last few months I have noticed that I’ve become very obsessed with and upset by any potential issue with my lease horse’s health. She is a 14yo OTTB, mildly arthritic in her right hock and Vitamin E deficient (on liquid supplementation with selenium now) but otherwise sound and sane. She has days where she is stiffer than others, days where she’s a little cranky, but otherwise seems to enjoy her work. Her vet does not feel she needs injections, but I cold hose after harder work, use Back On Track hock boots before and after a ride, and she is on daily Equioxx.

She is almost three weeks in to ulcer treatment. Since beginning Gastroguard she has been a DREAM - working over her back, in front of my leg, tackling a few trot pole patterns from 101 Jumping Exercises with me. I couldn’t get to the barn for two days, one of which she was stuck inside since it poured rain (usually has 14 - 16 hours of turnout), hopped on yesterday with the intent of a slower day to warm her back in and it went…poorly LOL. Cowkicking, “stepping in a hole” sensation in back, tripping in the front. Just seemed uncomfortable when she’s been a dream for weeks. She was much better today but it’s an example of how I can’t stop obsessive thoughts when it comes to her because I spent the idea day yesterday worried and thinking of nothing else which is - I know - entirely unproductive and often time wasted.

I can let bad rides and days go, that’s different. But I seem to be obsessed with finding how to “fix” what MIGHT be wrong physically, and then I ride the next day and it’s fine.

I do feel a great amount of responsibility since her owner is not physically able to ride much herself, and I am the one spending most of the time with her. I want to do right by her and her owner, but often feel like I’m being a pain in the neck instead. Her owner is aware I have anxiety issues, and I am very sure not to mention anything until I’m SURE I’m not just being crazy (like signs she had an ulcer), but I’m just desperate to feel like my head isn’t going 1000mph and that I’m an annoying leasor.

If nothing else, thanks for letting me vent. But if anyone has experience with OCD or anxiety and overthinking re: their horse, would love to hear about it.

#2

How old are you? I ask because as I age myself I realize how many days I start out with little aches and stiffness that aren’t anything serious and will work themselves out!!

Obviously now you know that if the horse doesn’t get ridden for 2 days she gets stiff. This is absolutely typical of horses with arthritis. So be proactive. If you don’t ride every day, longe before you do ride. Use the longe to let her warm up at a medium trot and evaluate how she moves. Do lots of transitions. If she doesn’t start to move easily within 5 minutes, don’t ride.

The horse has a progressive degenerative joint condition. She will very slowly get worse over time. You cannot fix her. You can mitigate by keeping her moving.

It sounds like the owner and vet are giving her good care. Remember that this is not your own horse. Ultimately you follow the owners instructions. If you feel like you can’t trust the owners decisions you need to end the lease.

”‹”‹”‹”‹”‹”‹

3 Likes
#3

@Scribbler Thanks for responding! I’m 28.

Let me start by saying, I am not trying to step on the owner’s toes. I just want to make sure since it is NOT my horse, that I am being as responsible as possible in communicating and observing things.

And I guess that’s why I asked if anyone with this disorder or something like it have experience in this realm because I am completely aware of how DJD’s work. I work in healthcare, have lots of patients struggling, etc. The problem is that OCD is not logical. By definition, it’s a disorder of magical thinking. I can KNOW how it works, and know what I need to do to keep progression as slow as possible and - like you said - change my strategy so she doesn’t have multiple days in a row off. But that doesn’t stop me from obsessing, so I’m wondering if anyone has strategies they’ve adopted to help them cope with that facet!

Thank you again - regardless, it does help to have it reiterated that nothing screams “abnormal” (besides my brain lol) about her behavior even if that’s not necessarily what my problem is.

#4

Yeah, I’m sure other people who can speak from experience about OCD will be along shortly to chime in! I just wanted to say that the care sounds good and the situation typical of a horse with arthritis.

2 Likes
#5

Mild OCD here! We are in the midst of highly anxious times, and I think everyone is having a difficult time not letting their thoughts go down a deep rabbit hole.

I am used to seeing my horse daily, so the barn being on lockdown has been very hard. Luckily, my trainer is there daily and I trust her 110%. It is still a challenge not to bug her daily with my worries.

Do you have any horsie friends that you can discuss your worries with before discussing them with the owner? Sometimes having someone whose opinion you respect and who can be totally honest with you can help trememdously. I have a few of these good friends who are ok with telling me when I’m going overboard so I can take a step back and realize that my anxiety is getting the better of me.

Hope this helps!!

1 Like
#6

I have anxiety, which sometimes manifests itself in OCDish behavior (during feeding shifts, I will repeatedly double check gates and hoses), as well as lots of anxiety around my horse.

When I feel myself getting revved up, I pause and assess my thoughts and behaviour. I ask myself if I am being rational or anxious. I label anxious behavior as anxiety. I remind myself that this is my brain malfunctioning. And then I redirect myself to a different activity. That applies whether I am working a shift and need to move on to the next task, or if I am repeatedly reading articles or researching supplements and need to go read a book, take a shower, cook, etc.

This cognitive approach works well for me. I can’t stop my anxious brain, but I can label it and redirect. It helps me to consciously recognise it as a “brain error” because that gives me permission to ignore it.

7 Likes
#7

Yes, moderated OCD here and have definitely experienced what you are going through MANY times. Luckily my horse is one of the outlets that truly gets me out of my head and in the present. Thinking and caring for something else, the feel of the horse, grooming and training. There are many days that my mind was cranking with very uncomfortable obsessive thoughts and I just decided to take them along with me while I groomed, walked, trained/rode my horse. I find it very therapeutic. It’s good that you can recognize the thoughts as obsessive, label them, etc. meditation/mindfulness help me a lot, but my dog and horses are lifesavers. Feel free to PM me…

1 Like
#8

I can appreciate the worry of looking after an animal that belongs to someone else and is in your care and it is good to have a sense of responsibility!

However, turn it upside down. Look at this from the point of view of the horse. Rain? Bleah, who cares: eat grass. Mud? Bleah, who cares, really good to roll in it. Human worried about me? Bleah, who cares: eat grass. Hot weather? Bleah, who cares: doze a bit more. Stiff leg? Bleah, who cares: eat grass. Need grooming? Didn’t ask for it: see “mud”. Need a bath? Didn’t ask for it: see “rain” and “mud”. Human late with feed? Worry!!!

Personally, I find horses to be so peaceful they remove all my stresses. Just stand in their company, breath in their calm, relax into their patience, be thankful for their endless kindness. That definitely slows my brain to horse speed.

1 Like
#9

@mkevent Very, very true. Probably not giving myself enough credit for having a flare-up and dealing w/ it despite the state of things. I do have a couple horsey friends, none at the barn I’m currently at BUT, they know the mare enough that I can ask them if I’m overthinking. Thank you!

@summerfield That’s a great way to think of it. I can recognize obsessive thoughts, but sometimes I can’t talk to myself in a way that gives me permission to ignore them because…what if they’re right!? Lol. But I can see how saying yes, you’re having these thoughts but they’re a malfunction and therefore don’t have to be listened to - I’ll be trying that. I think my problem too is that with COVID-19, and me working in dentistry, I’m temporarily laid off for at least the next 5 weeks. It’s giving me way too much time to get in to the loop of start thinking of what something might be > seek article > click link to other article > learn of something ELSE > more research.

Working in healthcare, I hate Dr. Google. So why do i keep consulting it for horses? Lol. Thank you for your suggestion, will definitely be changing how I talk to myself about it!

1 Like
#10

@Rainier Yes, I would say most of my life so far the barn is where my obsessive thoughts disappear, which is why this new habit is so frustrating! But you’re right, I can concentrate on the smaller moments and eventually tackle this thought loop too and return to the barn being a peaceful place.

@Willesdon Thank you! Funny enough, first relatively warm day here. Sitting as I type this, watching her graze on the couple bits of green grass, light breeze. Mind is much quieter. Should definitely try to channel her thought process more. Grass good, life good. :lol:

1 Like
#11

I was never diagnosed with OCD or saw a doctor but I know I have had it at times in my life to various degrees and it will still pop up now and then - anxiety is an on and off thing for me. I am 45 now and it was much more of an issue for me when I was younger - my mother has anxiety issues so I think it is just in my genetics.

Things that have helped me: 1. Getting older - you cannot force this to happen of course but as you get older I think you just generally get better at accepting what you cannot change and control - horses get ill, they get old and they die. All we can do is our best for them, the longer you live the more often you have to face these realities and come to terms with them. I always thought I could never handle putting one of my horses down, until I had to do it. It was horrible, but I did what was right and had to be done and am now stronger for it.

  1. Exercise - as horse people we are active but being active is not the same as exercising - both walking and yoga are very beneficial to my mental health - I can get worked up over something and do either, even for a short time, and feel better quickly.

  2. Diet - make sure you are eating lots of healthy foods and omegas and limit sugars. Our brains require the right fuel just like the rest of our bodies. Sugar is terrible for my moods and mental well being so I limit the amount I eat.

  3. Be Mindful - life is short and precious and worrying does not do any good. Do your best and make peace with it. Accept that you will make mistakes and you will lose horses/pets/friends/family - it is part of the cycle. Focus on the beauty around you, not the “what ifs” and not the bad, they DO happen. You cannot stop that. Figure out what allows you to be in the moment and do whatever that is when you feel yourself getting worked up.

I hope some of this might help, anxiety is terrible to live with but you CAN learn to control it.

1 Like
#12

Gosh I feel you OP. I am not diagnosed with OCD but do have anxiety. Normally I’m very calm about my horses but I had to put down a young horse with weird neurological issues. At first people made me feel paranoid. Then things eventually were more apparent but the damage was done. Now I’m always in limbo of feeling paranoid and talking myself out of anxiety or trusting my gut. I am definitely more anxious about health care issues and I fully know that. But my gut instinct is usually pretty good too.

It can feel like torture!

Nothing but support here for you! You are not alone in this, especially right now. So many of us are extra anxious.

#13

I have struggled with anxiety my entire life. As a child I was very shy and wouldn’t even speak to most adults.

I don’t worry about the horses as much as I used too. There’s nothing or very little I can do if things go wrong. My first horse was constantly lame to varying degrees. My second horse passed a vet check, but also had life long soundness issues. My rescue horse has uveitis and may eventually go blind. My cat died of cancer. At a certain point, I have come to accept that this is part of life. I can make myself miserable with worry or I can focus on other things.

My Paso was a rescue. He was terribly beaten before I rescued him. He would tremble when approached, violently react when frightened. And he may eventually go blind… But I’m not going to worry about it. We had a lovely solo ride today. I haven’t ridden him since December because I broke my foot. I took him right down the street today by himself and we had a great time ( no stirrups on one side). We only turned around because my foot started throbbing. I’ve already decided I will probably have him euthanized if his vision goes. He is so anxious to begin with. I just don’t see him being happy being blind. But he doesn’t know what the future holds and perhaps that will never happen. I have decided not to worry about it. He lives for the moment and I should too.

The same with my other cat with cancer. He doesn’t worry about the future. He just climbs in my arms and purrs and is happy to be feeling okay right now.

I could drive myself insane with worry… I find everything seems worse at night then it really is. I tend to worry at night when I am tired and trying to sleep.

You cannot prevent the horse you ride from going lame. Most horses do eventually get arthritis. The best you can do is pay attention and if your horse has an off day (or week), you take it easy with them. I do think anxiety disorders are related to chemical imbalances in the brain and that the right medication can help.

#14

I have bipolar disorder and ADD (inattentive). I wasn’t properly diagnosed including and a medication cocktail that works until 20 years ago. I do better with waves in my mood rather than having it tamped down flat. What I discovered is that I should have a “chaperone” around. They know me well enough to spot irritability 4-5 days before I do - a reliable sign of an impending hypomanic episode. I had one at work (now retired) and one at the barn. It helps me focus on waiting for my brain to function before I open my mouth.

OCD characteristics (not the disorder) can be part of bipolar. They pop up from time to time. There is one I can’t escape: I can’t ride my horse if I haven’t brushed his tail first. Same if someone else is riding him.

I’m also using “inner zero” which I found in the

#15

I don’t have diagnosed anxiety or OCD but I still do obsess about my horses’ care in some ways and I do consult Dr. Google, so don’t beat yourself up about that too much! Horses are fragile and sometimes mysterious, and that can drive us humans crazy wondering if we’re doing enough.

1.5 years ago I had to euthanize a young horse. Somehow it was the first time I’d ever had to make that decision for an animal despite decades of horse and dog ownership, and it followed a full year of trying this, trying that, consulting multiple vets, and spending lots of money. Do you know where I got the diagnosis though? Dr. Google! None of the vets figured it out, and these were some of the top lameness experts on the East Coast. In fact, when I specifically asked one of them about the possibility of this diagnosis (DSLD) just one month into the whole ordeal, he said, “I wouldn’t worry about that.” If I had followed my instinct at that point, I could have saved myself a lot of money and stress and the horse a surgery, full anesthesia for an MRI, and months of stall rest. So, I would say that when it comes to horses there are legitimate reasons to be proactive and do your own research, as long as you don’t feel like you’re going to sink in the rabbitholes you find.

I find that even as a very low-anxiety person in general, horses can incite great anxiety in me (mostly when they’re unhealthy and I’m wondering what more I can do, as you’re describing). There have been moments when I’ve considered that horses might not be worth the stress, but so far I have concluded that although they bring me the greatest stress they also bring me the greatest joy. If at some point the balance shifts for you, it’s okay to take a break. I’ve given myself the same permission.

Feel free to PM if you need to bounce ideas or feelings off someone. I can’t fully understand what you go through but I can empathize a little!

#16

My adult daughter has OCD and is under a great deal of stress right now because she can’t properly care for her horse, a lovely mare she’s owned only since February. The mare has an infection (scratches) on one pastern. My daughter had it almost gone, but then the trainer/barn manager closed her barn for two weeks. When the two weeks were up, she reopened with protocols that allow in two boarders at a time, but only three days a week. Upon her return, my daughter discovered that the scratches had been “mistreated” as a simple cut–and the infection had bloomed and spread.

The two weeks of full closure were bad enough–for anyone, but hell for an OCD person with an animal needing special care. The trainer/BM promised photos and videos and updates, but they never materialized and she didn’t respond to queries. Worse, when my daughter returned to the barn she found her horse worse off than before.

Well, I’ve been pep-talking and strategizing and giving small kicks in the butt over the phone, and I hope it’s helped to get her mind to stop spinning like a gerbil on a wheel. The vet has prescribed a treatment routine for the scratches. It requires about an hour to complete and must be done every single day without fail. It’s the only way to get ahead of the infection. Now my daughter must ask the trainer/BM for special dispensation to do the work and her OCD is running wild at the prospect of being refused and then having to move.

So, OP, when you say your leased horse and his wellbeing are a mental-health issue, I completely understand. Don’t know if this will help, but I’ve found that getting my daughter to quit researching, get on her feet and get going in some healthful activity–baking bread, taking a walk, cleaning tack, whatever–helps get rid of the knot of worry in her belly. Do you have someone who can be your personal butt-kicker? Most important, though, is crafting a plan of action to deal with the problem that’s triggering this particular episode of anxiety. A plan of action gives the OCD person some sense of control. So, for example in my daughter’s case, drawing her line in the sand: “The vet says this must be done every day. I have to do it. What time of day works best for you, Ms. Trainer?” As I mentioned above, having this conversation will be very stressful, but it’s a concrete action to resolve the difficulty.

By the way, your lessor is lucky to have someone so conscientious leasing the horse. Women with OCD tend to be high achievers, and there can be big rewards for that. The trick is to keep the striving and worry within healthy limits.

#17

OP, I struggle with OCD and anxiety myself. I 100% understand the inability to tell yourself it will be fine…because what if it’s not?! You can’t argue with crazy. (Crazy being the obsessive thoughts.)
I don’t have any advice, but know you’re not alone!

#18

I have anxiety and obsessive/compulsive tendencies, and I’m about your age, and I find keeping a “horsecare journal” SUPER helpful. It helps keep me from running worst-case scenarios through my brain if I notice something is slightly different one day. It also helps me keep track of things, and if a behavior/symptom/etc keeps cropping up, I don’t have to keep running it through my brain or wondering if I need to be worrying. The journal takes the burden of remembering these things, so I don’t have to keep think about them ALL THE TIME.

I also second talking it through with someone. Even someone non-horsey! My partner is definitely not a horse person, but now he knows an inordinate amount about horse health :smiley: A horse person can be very helpful for advice and ideas, but I often find it useful to just get me thoughts and worries off my chest and out into the open.

#19

Wow! I’m overwhelmed by the great suggestions and kindness shown here. Sorry it has taken me so long to respond, wanted to wait until I could sit down on my laptop and properly respond!

@quiacato All great suggestions! I do keep to an exercise schedule - even more now with quarantine creating extra time. Only eat sugar around the holidays or my birthday because I used to be very overweight and found that when I cut the sugar not only did I drop almost all my weight, but my mood significantly stabilized. As for getting older, though I’m only 28 I HAVE noticed I’m worlds better at coping and working through than I was when I was a teen. I can only hope that another couple decades will see that trend continue LOL. Thanks again!

@Lunabear1988 Yes, that’s the difficult part. Knowing your gut instinct is usually good, but also not letting yourself fall in to the trap of obsessing over it! It’s definitely good to remember these are strange times amplifying the way my brain can malfunction. Thanks!

@4horses I’ve noticed it’s very strange what I end up fixating on. Major problems like potential blindness, or career-ending lameness - those are things I couldn’t fix, or could only fix at the expense of the horse’s quality of life, so I wouldn’t obsess over that. It’s smaller things like chasing a lameness, things without an ANSWER that I tend to get caught up in. Which, to your point, I need to apply the same thinking: I can only do what I can do, in the time I can do it in. Stop obsessing about the future LOL.

@Libby2563 You’re right. There’s been many times Dr. Google has helped me figure out exactly what’s going on, with me, or with my pets! And I like it when my patients take their health in to their hands and say hey, I read about x/y/z, maybe that’s what’s going on. I’ll just have to monitor how I’m using it, like if it’s over 10 minutes than I’m probably obsessing and can come back to it later but need to go do something else for the moment. Very sorry to hear about the loss of your horse!

#20

@phippsie62 Oh man do I feel for your daughter right now! It’s been a few days since you posted in this thread, hoping something has been worked out with the BM to get the treatment done right! I do have a personal buttkicker - my fiance is very good at redirecting my brain if I can’t do it myself! You are completely right, I DO need to get up and do something else, throw a wrench in that obsessive circle. I do notice it does physical moving away from whatever I’m doing - even if that’s reading on my phone - to stop it, so I’ll apply that more!

And I do hope that I’m the sort of leasee someone wants to keep around! I was speaking with her husband a few days ago and it came up that they feel lucky to have found me which really helped soothe any worries I might have. I’m sure I’m a little much, but if the roles were reversed I’d like to know someone was leasing my horse and cared for their well-being, not just their time in the saddle and then leaving.

@sheep with a gun The best psychologist I ever had told me that OCD is a the “What-If Disease”. It’s mean because it comes up with new and more creative ‘what-if’s’, and then takes away the ability to self-talk and work through the proble internally like other people might. It undermines your sense of certainty with things that should otherwise be certain. It does feel better just to know I’m not alone!

@SLStar This is a great idea! I already journal what I’ve done for the day with my rides, what went well and what I’d like to work on. But I’ll start tracking anything I notice as well, with the goal of writing it down and giving my brain permission to let it go since it doesn’t need to remember it itself. :winkgrin: Thank you so much!

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