Parental Problems...again.....

[Musical_Jumper]

hello,
i am having a problem with my mother, and i was hoping desperately that someone out there could give me some advice…

my parental units are not involved in horses. period. they don’t ride and don’t really enjoy anything “horsie”…my father is there for me, but recently my mother who used to have a problem worrying about me ONLY riding has been fighting with me about the total opposite…

I have two horses that i have to keep fed, worked, and general stuff like that. now, i am not wanting to depend on my parents to pay for anything that has to do with my hobby. i pay for my own grain, tack, ect, ect… and because of that i cannot afford to do any showing. My best friend does alot of competing…and my mother really thinks that shows how dedicated she is to her horses. now, my friend is very dedicated, and she has worked hard to get where she is…but recently my mother has been telling me that it’s quite obvious that im not seriously motivated to be serious about my riding because i do not show. she says that if i was actually serious about this that it would be me out there…she assumes that because i do not show that i obviously just don’t care…that this is nothing but a waste of time…

this really hurts me…i am not showing because i don’t want to ask my parents for the money. it’s not because im not motivated or serious about my riding…I AM ! i go out practicly EVERY day and ride, and when i don’t ride im cleaning tack, grooming, ect… and yes, i am very envious that my friend gets to show, but i go as a groom, and i am happy at the chance to even be there!

why does my mother say such things when she knows how much time i spend @ the barn? why is she complaining??? it’s not costing her anything… how can i get through to her that i am serious??? i always thought that she would see that by giving up a “normal” teenager’s life i was dedicated.

i don’t know if anyone out there can help me…but i thought i’d try my luck…

M_J

[Musical_Jumper]

thanks y’all…

[M_O_Connor]

You sound like you have taken on alot of responsibility for someone your age…don’t forget to enjoy yourself. Remember that there are quite alot of options open to you as far as riding in college, as an adult, etc. Not every junior is cut out to do the show thing 24/7, though I think JustJump’s theory is interesting.

[CdnRider]

I would sit down and talk to her and your father. Sometimes parents don’t understand what it takes to be involved with horses, especially if they haven’t been around them. Before sitting down, right on a piece of paper how much you pay. This will show them how much you are putting into your horses. Secondly find out from your friend exactly how much it costs to show. Including trailering, coaching fees, braiding fees, etc, everything and anything! This will show them how expensive it is. Talk to them about your goals and what you want to achieve. It is important for you to inform your parents besides just getting mad at them for not understanding (I’m not saying that you are mad, just make sure you are telling them what goes on).

Also you didn’t mention if your parents bought you your horses or if they pay board. If they did either of these two things I would say that they are supportive, just not to the extent other parents are.

And if you want to show and can’t afford it, why do you have 2 horses?? Maybe just have one so you can show…just some options…hope this helps…

[Musical_Jumper]

howdy all,
i obtained my second horse from a breeder/trainer of racing tbs. she had retired my seger and his half brother from the track and was hoping to find them a good home. my friend and i went to look at the horses, and sure enough we both fell in love with our guys. the lady, who is extremely nice ended up GIVING us the thoroughbreds. that is how i aquired seger (my second horse).

when i first got him it was just in case the opportunity to show had ever came my way, and i knew that i needed another training project. another , and the main reason that i took seger was as a pasture mate for my first pony, thunder.

i am very thankful for all of your time,

M_J

[Musical_Jumper]

howdy…
i have tried talking to my mother…but we always argue. it’s not just every once in a while, it’s every morning before school and every night before i finally just give up and retreat to my room. and we don’t just fight about the horses, we fight about everything.

now, in regards to the horses…the reason that i have two is really quite simple…i just could never let my pony go. he was my first horse, and he’s been there through everything…plus, he’s a fun ride! the reason i have my other mount is because i know that if the gods ever smiled down and let me show i wouldn’t be able to really stand a chance on thunder. i love the guy, but i can face facts…the other horse will be the horse that if the opportunity ever comes my way that i will compete on. that’s why i have two…besides, as much as i dread it, i might just someday outgrow thunder, and he’s ten now…that doesn’t leave us much time…but i will always have him, others may come and go, boys will come and leave quickly…but the pony will prevail victorious in my heart!

[rescuemom]

I agree with the others: write it down and calmly present the facts to both your parents. Since they aren’t footing the day to day expenses they may not be aware of just how responsible and caring you are of your horses. With both parents there, hopefully you won’t get into a fight with your mother. Have the two of you looked into talking with a counselor or similar person to learn how to communicate with each other without arguing?

As to showing a horse indicating motivation, what kind of motivation? Consider the threads that pop up here at COTH on a semi-regular basis, complaining that Rider XYZ, who shows every weekend, virtually never gets on the horse herself except to ride the show course. There is motivation there, but I don’t think it is about the horse at all, more about rider/trainer glory. Ask your mom (gently and seriously, as if you were asking a friend instead of your mother) what kind of motivation she feels that showing will indicate.

Good luck, let us know what you do/how it goes.

[TalkToTheHoof]

I don’t show either and sometimes I kind of feel that ppl don’t think that I am very dedicated to riding just b/c I don’t show or own a fancy horse(I lease). Luckily I have understanding parents (plus they pay for everything).
I agree with everyone above. Talk to your parents about expenses and tell your mom that you LOVE horses and just b/c you don’t show doesn’t mean that you are not dedicated! If she really wants you to show, then talk to her and tell her that you want to too but just can’t afford that along with everything else. Maybe you two can work something out.
Good Luck!

[Cactuskate]

As the “old lady” here, I might suggest you look at the real reason why your mom is suggesting showing. do you think she is testing to see if you are interested in showing? Maybe she is thinking about helping you do that, but doesn’t think you are that serious.

And this may be getting really tooooo personal here and is more than answering your question, but I think it would be in your best interest to get some help with the relationship with your mother. I’m not saying “professional help”, like everyone should run to the shrink. But what you have said indicates the two of you do not have good communication skills. And that can be very painful for both of you.

Is there someone outside you family that you could talk to? School counselor, teacher, pastor, pony club leader, or just adult friend of the family?

I am assuming your are an older teenager by the amount of responsibility you have shown in your horses, so I would encourage you to go to some self-help books on communication and parental relationships.

Ok, ok I climb off my soapbox, and back to the good horse stuff…I am impressed that you take on your horse responsibility so well. Maybe your parents think EVERYONE does it that way. Share some magazine articles, and even some of this BB to help them understand your motivations. Use your father as your ally, he probably knows your mother best of all.

Good luck to you…

[Musical_Jumper]

hello,
i am having a problem with my mother, and i was hoping desperately that someone out there could give me some advice…

my parental units are not involved in horses. period. they don’t ride and don’t really enjoy anything “horsie”…my father is there for me, but recently my mother who used to have a problem worrying about me ONLY riding has been fighting with me about the total opposite…

I have two horses that i have to keep fed, worked, and general stuff like that. now, i am not wanting to depend on my parents to pay for anything that has to do with my hobby. i pay for my own grain, tack, ect, ect… and because of that i cannot afford to do any showing. My best friend does alot of competing…and my mother really thinks that shows how dedicated she is to her horses. now, my friend is very dedicated, and she has worked hard to get where she is…but recently my mother has been telling me that it’s quite obvious that im not seriously motivated to be serious about my riding because i do not show. she says that if i was actually serious about this that it would be me out there…she assumes that because i do not show that i obviously just don’t care…that this is nothing but a waste of time…

this really hurts me…i am not showing because i don’t want to ask my parents for the money. it’s not because im not motivated or serious about my riding…I AM ! i go out practicly EVERY day and ride, and when i don’t ride im cleaning tack, grooming, ect… and yes, i am very envious that my friend gets to show, but i go as a groom, and i am happy at the chance to even be there!

why does my mother say such things when she knows how much time i spend @ the barn? why is she complaining??? it’s not costing her anything… how can i get through to her that i am serious??? i always thought that she would see that by giving up a “normal” teenager’s life i was dedicated.

i don’t know if anyone out there can help me…but i thought i’d try my luck…

M_J

[Eventer_Philiane]

thank you all again for your supportive and helpful comments, they were all usefull, hopefully i will be able to tell you all of my getting through to my mother! happy trails!

[FirstCry]

If you mother is so concerned with you showing - have you explained to her you can’t afford it, and maybe if she wants you to show so badly, she can foot the bill.

Maybe, write down all expenses you put out for your horse and show her, could be she doesnt understand all that is involved with caring for our wonderful beasts. You know, Vets, Blacksmith, Dentist, Food, Grooming suppies, First Aide. and the list goes on and on and on

[Lord_Helpus]

Dedication certainly does not equal showing. Some people are competitive, some people just plain enjoy horses and becoming better riders. One does not have to show to be a dedicated horseperson.

Parhaps you should just copy this thread and show it to your parents. maybe if your mom could see how much her attitude hurts your feelings, the two of you could try to talk about it – and get some lines of communication going again.

Best of luck to you and your horses.

[ErinB]

I agree with Firstcry. I would write down to the last dime the expenses, just for one month. I would also show her a typical bill from one of the shows that your friend goes to. It could be that she doesn’t realize how costly it is to show.

I think that if she wants you showing so badly, she should pay for it herself. Showing in no way indicates how motivated you are- in some cases it could be just the opposite. Good luck.

Erin
My horse he saves my butt a lot. Therefore, I kiss his.

[JustJump]

that you and your mom look into the possibility of working together with a third party to find a way to improve the quality of your communication with each other. But I also think that there is more to your situatioin than a simple mother/daughter conflict (not to minimize the effects of these–usually, mothers and daughters really know how to push each other’s buttons! When they do, it isn’t a pretty sight! )

You say you are envious of your friend’s showing (<<i am very envious that my friend gets to show, but i go as a groom, and i am happy at the chance to even be there>> )…if the pressure from your mother were not part of the picture, and financial considerations aside, what are your feelings about showing, actually?

Later on, you mention that you have a second horse, and this would be the one you’d show, if and when…well, I have to admit to being kind of curious…how did you get this second horse? Paying for grain, hay, etc is one thing…did you buy this horse or did your parents purchase it for you, and when you got the second horse, was it in the expectation that you would be needing/wanting a show mount?

OK–I’m about to take one of my wild speculative leaps here (why I call myself JustJump!), flame suit zipped, shields raised, and here goes:

I have taught alot of riders; the type of rider I enjoy teaching most is the intermediate rider that is moving up from say, mini eqs/children’s / ponies to the big eqs/juniors/jumpers…I’ve found that a real obstacle for more than a few as they prepare to move on is the mental fear of not being able to live up to the expectations of others (whether or not the expectations are real or imagined is apparently irrelevant to the level of fear)…this fear can in fact be quite parylizing, and nearly always the rider has no actual cognizance of the problem, but instead experiences an huge, undefined source of stress and pressure. Not unusual at all to have this happen after non-horsey parents have made a big financial committment to a new horse, show/training bills, etc…a typical situation:

Parent: “I just don’t understand Susie! She now has everything she ever wanted, a fancy horse, and all the showing/training etc that you say she needs! But all she does is argue, ever since we agreed to do this! We can’t say anything she agrees with! Maybe we’ve made a big mistake, and she can’t handle it after all!”

Student: “My parents don’t understand any of this! Why won’t they leave me alone? I didn’t ask them to spend all that money, why did they? This isn’t fun anymore! This is a big mistake, isn’t it?”

I think that the above scenario, whenever it occurs, is as big an obstacle to success as a lack of horseflesh, money or talent. As a matter of fact, in my experience it happens to really talented or potentially talented riders with even more frequency…and a parent who is too keen or really does have expectations or hopes beyond what is reasonable will be setting up a very stressful situation. It is a very hard problem to avoid, because it creeps up on everyone, with all involved saying one thing and thinking another.

Teaching a rider not to fear success is a tricky business…it is alot easier to teach them not to fear a big jump or a hot horse…Attempting to teach an intense parent to tone it down is even trickier–they tend to take offense, and can be prone to just pack up and leave, even if the student is doing well…

In your case, I may be totally off base…but there are those nagging little familiar signs…(dedication, attention to detail, the second horse, your envy of your friend, your desire to be at the shows with her…)so my advice would be to do a little reflecting, and soul searching on this one…do you really want to show, but dread the pressure that making the committment may bring on? Is your mother one of the “intense” ones? Where does your dad stand on all this?

I know, you asked for answers, all I did was ask questions. Sorry!