I’ve been feeling extremely awkward and guilty for the past 1 - 2 years. You see, I cherished horses as a teenager. My family even had a pony for a few years at one point. When school got in the way of horses, we made the hard decision to find a retirement home for the pony. While not everything was sunshine and roses all the time with horse ownership, I can say that I felt very excited and passionate about horses.
After I graduated from high school and moved out of the area, I started longing for horses again. I resisted for several years, but finally let horses creep back into my life. I was excited by the idea of having my own horse again. I waited and waited until my family felt the time was right again.
Then, suddenly, the excitement disappeared. I am not sure when it happened, but shortly after I purchased her. At first, I thought it was just new horse ownership jitters. I thought things would normalize, and I would form a bond with my new horse.
It’s been 1 - 2 years now. I feel extremely guilty that I am not getting enjoyment from horses anymore. It takes effort to go to the barn. Once I am there, it’s OK. But as soon as I get home, I feel relieved. Like a “one more day down” kind of relief.
I do a lot of mucking and grooming when I am with the horse. Nothing is wrong, but I just feel pretty absent when I am there. I keep longing for the passion to come back. Like when I was younger, and I could watch horsemanship videos for hours on end. Or I could browse tack shops and fantasize over halters, boots, fly bonnets, etc. Now I just don’t even feel like watching videos or looking at horsey things.
Financially, I can definitely afford to keep her no problem. But having a horse usually means that we need to refrain from other endeavors if you know what I mean. And I do get a twinge of remorse when I think about some of the trips and hobbies that I might be missing out on. I grew up in a frugal household, so I am always scrutinizing my discretionary expenditures. I was hoping horses would really fulfill me, but I am ashamed to admit that I am tempted by other hobbies and experiences. I have one other hobby that my sister introduced to me. I think I am really starting to enjoy it, but I constantly feel guilty when I do.
I know there are so many people out there that can only dream of having their own horse, so I feel extremely ashamed for my lack of passion.
Is it time to move on? Should I keep giving it more time in case the passion returns? I am sorry for the rant! I’ve been struggling emotionally with this.