People Attempting to Undermine Safe Sport

[Virginia_Horse_Mom]

I honestly have been pretty comfortable with my kids going through the regular sex Ed curriculum offered in their current public school Family Life Education program. It introduces specific issues at specific ages. They introduce the whole concept of private parts, saying “no” to anyone trying to touch you without your express permission, and telling a trusted adult like your Mom or Dad pretty early… around 2nd grade, I think. Learning about puberty happens in 5th I believe, and they get into more of a basic introduction to what sex involves in 7th. That’s as far as my kids have gotten. I’ve reviewed the FLE program standards of learning and descriptions regarding what is involved on our state Department of Education website. They do cover the issue of abuse in relationships vs. what are positive and healthy relationships once they get to high school.

As far as talking at home? Sometimes things come up. Sometimes not. My son did NOT want to talk about the FLE discussions from school that were involved last year when he was in 7th grade. We laughed and told him that was totally fine, but we were available if he did want to talk.

So far, I haven’t found that there is a reason any of this has to be super controversial, regardless of a parent’s comfort level talking about these issues.

ETA: when thinking and talking about the issue of grooming, so much of it is about a predator singling out a younger person or minor, showering them with attention, and is very manipulative in nature. We have talked to both our kids already about the idea that if an adult asks them to keep a secret from us… that’s not ok. It indicates something is wrong, and it’s important to actually tell us if anyone pressures them that way, even if it seems like ‘no big deal.’ But as far as grooming in general goes? I think it’s important for PARENTS to recognize signs. Especially in youth sports. If the coach is paying your child in particular extra attention… keep an eye on that. Be involved. Be present. Watch for signs things have crossed into an unhealthy manipulative zone.

[Cat.J95]

I really appreciate your response. I’m childless and have been out of the school system longer than I’d like to admit!

I think it’s hard and I’m glad to hear kids are getting a good sex education beyond “put the condom on the banana.”

[Virginia_Horse_Mom]

@Cat.J95

I really appreciate your response. I’m childless and have been out of the school system longer than I’d like to admit!

I think it’s hard and I’m glad to hear kids are getting a good sex education beyond “put the condom on the banana.”

It’s MUCH more comprehensive than that. Smaller bits of information, at various steps along the way. Yes… there are the basics of human anatomy and reproduction. And preventing disease. But there is also a focus on healthy and respectful relationships, self esteem, and what constitutes abuse.

[Cat.J95]

That makes me so happy to hear. I know my parents did the best they could. Honestly the birthing video we all had to watch put me off.

I think it’s east to sit on the outside and say “we’ll parents should do x,y, and x.” “My kids would tell me if….” They all want to believe it’s true. And it is true, until a kid much later on in life realizes the babysitter tried to touch them. I went back and forth about telling my parents about said babysitter. The dude is a nobody but I tell them everything so I eventually spoke up because I needed to for my own sake. It sucked on two fronts, one I wasn’t exactly scared for life. It was something I realized wasn’t okay. And two, my parents thought they failed me.

It’s really hard for kids. Even when they are adults. Maybe that babysitter had an impact on me I’m not aware of. I do know these kids and adults at the top end of the sport have it worse. It always seems to be a barter.

[skydy]

Children are often threatened by their abusers that “if you tell anyone, something bad will happen to your family” etc… Kids need to know not to believe that as well.

[hoopoe]

i think it is important to remember that SS is about more than sex. I think it is never to early to educate the kids on group pressure and bully /hazing tactics . that goes for under 18 and adult perps.

[Gardenhorse]

@Cat.J95

I really appreciate your response. I’m childless and have been out of the school system longer than I’d like to admit!

I think it’s hard and I’m glad to hear kids are getting a good sex education beyond “put the condom on the banana.”

I’m pretty sure the quality of the sex education received in public schools depends very heavily on the state/school district.

[omare]

Seems like parents also need to recognize when they also are being groomed. I remember a soccer coach later convicted of abuse at a recreation camp pointing out kids that were excelling, and you could see parent and child both sitting taller and prouder. Fortunate for me my child was down field not paying attention or caring, so no praise going that direction! No grooming this parent! (Soccer not his thing.) But Parents let the guy take kid(s) home-I think he had a traveling soccer team. (I know I would not have allowed that as that to me would be a red flag but regardless, these were middle class well off families, not vulnerable families. And you could see beaming proud parents and children responding to him. These people are practiced and manipulative of children and parents. In retrospect it was scary.

[BrendaJane]

well, they are also good at spotting their marks. being middle class does not prevent them from being vulnerable.

[Virginia_Horse_Mom]

@omare

Seems like parents also need to recognize when they also are being groomed. I remember a soccer coach later convicted of abuse at a recreation camp pointing out kids that were excelling, and you could see parent and child both sitting taller and prouder. Fortunate for me my child was down field not paying attention or caring, so no praise going that direction! No grooming this parent! (Soccer not his thing.) But Parents let the guy take kid(s) home-I think he had a traveling soccer team. (I know I would not have allowed that as that to me would be a red flag but regardless, these were middle class well off families, not vulnerable families. And you could see beaming proud parents and children responding to him. These people are practiced and manipulative of children and parents. In retrospect it was scary.

This is soooooo on point.

[tryingtohunter]

“Abusers groom their character witnesses just as carefully as their victims” as a sentiment unfortunately resonates pretty strongly in all of these cases. I’m glad to hear you and your child weren’t influenced by this coach, that sounds so scary for those kids on the traveling team. As much as my own friends complain about the SafeSport rules regarding traveling with their coach (whom they admire very much), I’m still in favor of the regulations and hope that they prevented anymore incidents.
I think the reason why misconduct and sports are in somewhat in their own league is exactly that, athletes (and their parents) want to see a successful and impressive career, and a good coach is a big part of that. The coaches know this, they even make the parents feel ‘special’ with the praise so as to gain ‘special’ access to these kids. Terrible.
I’ve seen situations where a kid did in fact realize what was happening, told a parent, and their own parents did not believe them (justifying it as ‘attention seeking’ or something similar), and sided with the coach (whom they would then apologize to as well for their child’s ‘antics’). Teaching kids is an important step, but like you said, parents need to recognize it as well.

[hoopoe]

I think it is important to remember that in the Nassar case sometimes parents were present in the room during his “exams” They were manipulated and used as much as his young victims. I am sure he went through life manipulating the sentiments and favor of adults. I bet that skill is what emboldened him

[MHM]

@tryingtohunter

I’ve seen situations where a kid did in fact realize what was happening, told a parent, and their own parents did not believe them (justifying it as ‘attention seeking’ or something similar), and sided with the coach (whom they would then apologize to as well for their child’s ‘antics’).

Weren’t there multiple gymnasts who told their parents about Nassar, but their parents did not believe them? Just horrible.

[BrendaJane]

that is generally the case, because the predators are cultivating themselves as the salt of the earth pilar of the community guys, often in positions of authority.
the preachers, coaches, scoutnasters!

[oreo_mom]

I’m glad this forum has finally realized the education starts at home. Parents MUST take responsibility for their children. In Northern Virginia it was shoved in their faces at the schools— hopefully this will be the same.

[Virginia_Horse_Mom]

@oreo_mom

I’m glad this forum has finally realized the education starts at home. Parents MUST take responsibility for their children. In Northern Virginia it was shoved in their faces at the schools— hopefully this will be the same.

What exactly are you saying here with the reference to Northern Virginia? I’m not following.

[Ghazzu]

@Virginia_Horse_Mom

What exactly are you saying here with the reference to Northern Virginia? I’m not following.

Probably implying that godless Communists are teaching children about (gasp) sex!

[trubandloki]

@Gardenhorse

I’m pretty sure the quality of the sex education received in public schools depends very heavily on the state/school district.

This must be the case because I am older than dirt and when I was in school our education regarding sex and human interaction was like @Virginia_Horse_Mom described above. It did not start until 4th grade, but every couple of years more information was added, including stuff about mental health well being, abuse, etc.

[oreo_mom]

It’s been all over the news about the education system in VA. you may have missed it.
Besides, I’m the WASPyest WASP conservative you might ever meet. I am afraid of the God less government we have now.

[vxf111]

Oh that pesky separation of church and state upon which our forefathers grounded our very system of government.