Perception vs reality - second guessing myself

A very wise old horseman once told me, as I struggled to climb on a squirmy green pony from the ground and chastised myself for how unpleasant it looked (his daughter was my trainer and she held no room for things not done perfectly) “doesn’t matter how it looked, you got on didn’t you?”

I get it - it’s so, so hard to look at photos and not focus on the yuck that only you see. But you’re DOING IT. You’re a mom of three, you’re finding time for yourself in all the chaos, you’re doing what you love, you’re riding, you’re showing. All that is freaking awesome.

My bucket list used to include showing at indoors in the AAs before I was 30. I finally moved back up to the 3’ right before my son was born and then the breaks got put on my riding. Well this year I turned 40, and I never did make it to indoors. But I’m a working mom and I just can’t afford the time or money to do reach that goal right now. I used to live in my head about how much that sucked and how much I missed being able to win an eq class and be confident over big jumps and get really down on myself. Then I kind of had a CTJ talk with myself about WHY I ride. I ride because I love it. I ride because barn time is my time and that’s where my friends are. I ride because it’s the one time a week where I’m me. Nobody cares whether I’m jumping 3’ or 2’ (and if they do, f*** 'em). So right now I’m making myself happy with weekly rides on my beloved former lease mare, jumping whatever height seems right on the day. I know it doesn’t usually look pretty (I don’t ever want to see the pictures!), but the job gets done and I’m having fun. Maybe one day I’ll get my dream packer AA horse and make it to indoors, but probably not. And that’s cool. My real goal is to be one of those awesome women who rides until the very, very end.

Have the pity party, we all do it - and then clean up and get back to the barn and ride. Go to the show and ride. Do whatever makes you happy.

6 Likes

Thank you guys so very much for the encouragement! Yes, that weekend show was my first in maybe 5 years, on a different horse, and some very scarce personal time. I think part of my disappointment is also trying to adjust to different expectations about what I wanted to do with horses after having kids. I had always hoped to ride big jumpers, like the low A/O’s, but never quite had the horse to get there.

And I guess I had hoped that with the right horse (I’m leasing right now, b/c…kids), I might be able to move closer to those goals, and then was just dismayed that I didn’t look as good in the pictures as I felt. And show nerves are totally a thing, it’s amazing how you feel like you’re going SOOOOOO much faster in the show ring than you actually are.

I think it’s also challenging for me, because I don’t even know how long it will be before I can show again - it’s so terribly hard to get away for a couple of days with small children, and I know jumping at home and showing are two different beasts. I keep trying to tell myself that this is just the season I’m in right now(that’s the trendy term for moms right now :grimacing:) and that every ride is a step in the right direction, but it’s just so different from when I was riding 5 days a week and showing at least 1 or 2 times a month.

Hopefully I can get the video in the next few days, and see if that feels better than the photos. I just want to feel (and vainly) LOOK like a competent, successful rider, and it’s such a disconnect when the feeling doesn’t seem to match the pictures…

I will keep pressing on, I guess I just haven’t gotten to the part where I don’t care what other people think, and the insecure part of me hopes they aren’t saying “what is she still doing out there?” :flushed:

3 Likes

The only people whose opinion matters is the trainer and the judge. Period.

None of the other actual riders or trainers have the mental bandwidth to notice you except as a blur. Think about how much you evaluated them. Not at all, right? If you ride better than them you get a ribbon and they accept that. If you ride worse, they get the ribbon and are grateful you messed up.

As far as rail birds barn rats nonriders there aren’t many at most shows and why would you care? Also realize that riders of any level get picked apart for both real and false reasons online. You don’t owe anyone an Instagram moment if you don’t like your photos.

There is a subset of higher level riders in jumpers who are men that don’t ride that elegantly. Sometimes they got into riding in late teens or early adulthood and went up the ranks fast because they were strong, gutsy, athletic, and came to jumping like they would any male dominated extreme sport. The biggest thing for jumpers is fearlessness. Also being men they found it easy to rise in a female dominated sport and never cared for one moment what the girls and women were saying (because they no doubt assumed it was all wide eyed admiration).

You really do have to get your head past the crippling social anxiety and need for approval that is socialized into young women in our culture. It messes up a lot of young women because it is a bottomless pit and also is fed by your own anxiety. You could be the slimmest and best riding 17 year old and still be in knots over an unflattering photo or a smirk from a barn frenemy or worry you have the wrong brand of saddle pad or girth and everyone is laughing at you.

If you are holding onto a bit of anxiety from having been (like all of us) around mean girls in high school or junior riding, realize that (1) 98% of adult riders have outgrown this and the remaining 2% are the toxic barn birches everyone ignores and (2) you are invisible to the mean girl teens because you are over 18. You’re just another oldie and they aren’t in competition with you socially or in the ring so they don’t care what you do.

However for yourself this might well be a reality check. Now a reality check is not “oh my God I can never do this because I suck intrinsically” but rather “here is a good opportunity to see what I need to work on.” Go over video with your coach.

There are three categories of issue.

One is how does the horse go?
The next is how are the riders aids?
The last is how does the rider look?

If the horse goes well, and the rider’s aids appear soft and appropriate then it’s a good ride even if the rider has some position flaws. And it can be a winning ride at lower adult jumpers.

When you start drilling down into position flaws, there are again several categories.

  1. Flaws attendant on being a newbie or out of shape. These include hands bouncing and lower legs flapping and an unsteady upper torso. And getting jumped out of the tack over low jumps. This needs hours in the saddle.

  2. Flaws attendant on bad coaching like arched backs, nagging with the leg, riding ahead of the jump, perching, etc. This needs better coaching.

  3. Flaws attendant on not being fit enough for the desired level. In dressage the big one is sitting extended trot. In jumpers I would think it’s about the strength to stay out of the tack over bigger jumps. These need hours in the tack and also exercise off the horse.

  4. Flaws attendant on basic body conformation or injuries or effects of aging. I have a couple of friends who have structural asymmetry in their hips that affects their whole leg. Some adults are always going to hunch in two point compared to lithe teens. These need physio and exercise off the horse.

  5. Finally there is the fact that few adults like how they look in beige or white breeches, and that almost all adults weigh more than they did at 18, and more than most teen riders. That’s a fact of life. You need to compare yourself to the other adults riding at your level. There will likely be some stick thin wiry pros around, then some thin pros getting soft in the middle, and then some regular size adults of varying degrees of skill and elegance, pro or ammie. If you genuinely think your weight is creeping up past what you want, then watch diet and do more exercise off the horse. But remember that it’s the horse being judged and how the horse goes matters most.

7 Likes

I hear you! I’m 35 and retired my mare in September of 2020, but had only been lightly hacking her for a few years as she didn’t need to work harder than that. I have a desk job and am NOT in the shape that I need to be in. I’ve ridden a few times since them and am horribly out of riding shape as well, but I’m working on it! It also motivated me to get off my butt and start working on my fitness at home and I know that will really help! You’re out there and doing it, that I think that is awesome! Keep going, you’ve got tons of us rooting for you!

1 Like

“I’m not seeing what you’re seeing and feeling.”

A thousand times that. Funny this discussion is happening now (likewise the fitness thread). because I’ve been wondering if it all looks as awful as it feels. Or I’m actually getting what I don’t feel like I’m getting (during a leg yield or while shortening or lengthening etc, so often it feels like I’m asking but the horse isn’t responding). Maybe a little something IS happening and I’m just not feeling it.
I once told my trainer that it’s the incremental that I’m struggling with.

I replied on the fitness thread that one of the great things about being an adult ammy was having permission to cut yourself some slack but I’m not, a lot of us aren’t, doing that.

Adult, heal thyself. And more hugs all around. You’re all, especially you, OP, amazing.

2 Likes

Another wonderful clinician, from my previous riding life, you was VERY good with adult riding lessons; when riders were constantly apologizing or beating themselves up:

“I didn’t invite your critic to this riding lesson. Can you ask them to leave? For the duration of this session, if anyone needs to criticize your riding, I think I should be the one to do it.”

3 Likes

I can definitely sympathize.

I had not been to a show since 2017, and stated again this year. I took Belle in the Connemara classes at Upperville, and was pretty pleased with how we went (we met every jump in stride).

Then I looked at the pictures. In most of them my leg had swung WAY back (this has long been an issue for me). But there was one where my leg was in the right place. So I bought a copy of the one good picture, and I am focusing on stepping down into my feet over the jump.

So yes, my perception (focused on "we met every jump in stride) missed the reality (my leg was swinging back). But that is no reason to “second guess myself”, or feel bad. It just tells me what I need to work on. Other people aren’t “judging” me, and even if they were, I wouldn’t waste any emotional energy on it.

Four years ago I was competing at 3’3", and right now I am competing at 2’6", but I will work my way back up when I am ready. No shame in jumping lower.

FWIW I am in my mid 60s.

3 Likes

I am another mid-40s mom, full time employee, weight battler, doing my best to be a rider amidst the chaos.

How many of us do you think there are? How many of your kids’ friends’ parents are competitive athletes at ANY sport, let alone a sport that requires gobs of emotional, financial, and time commitment? How many are willing to put in the literal blood, sweat, and tears? Not many, my friend. Not many at all.

I may suck some days. My breeches may be too tight. My jumps may be small. But I’m a f>cking badass. I’m a badass for showing up when it’s cold, when it’s wet, when I’m sick or injured. I’m a badass for being afraid and doing it anyway. I’m a badass because 99% of my peers are just sitting on the couch, and I’m not.

And you are a badass, too. Don’t forget it.

13 Likes

I think it’s amazing that you are doing this and figuring it out. Obviously I’m not the only one!

The only thing I will add to the excellent support you are given here by others is a personal story. I have a stack of old show photos from when I was a junior where in EVERY SINGLE PICTURE I look like I: just got socked in the gut, or saw a ghost, or am about to pass out. I had nice (green, mostly) horses as junior and won a lot on them in the Childrens and Juniors, but I have no really nice show photos unless you ignore my face. My horses all look great, but I look ridiculous/scared/nauseous/whatever.

Cut yourself some slack, watch your videos, talk to your trainer, and enjoy being back in the saddle!

ETA: Now my pictures are better mainly because I’m usually wearing sunglasses and that hides my crazy eyes, lol.

2 Likes

Watch the videos. Don’t study the pics.

When I was 16/17, and taking alot of lessons, I looked great. Videos, photos, most looked fantastic. Fast forward nearly 10 years, after I bummed around just riding casually when I felt like it, I got back into it a bit more seriously. I video probably half my rides and sometimes when I review (often actually) what felt like a fantastic ride, it looks…much less fantastic and then I’m sitting here scratching my head because I KNOW how well I can ride so…why am I not? No kids, no substantial weight gain so nothing to blame but myself haha.

Videoing regularly though is so helpful. I ride by myself and am trainer less at the moment, so even if I get a bit disheartened, it does a great job of showing me what I need to work on, at least in regards to my own position etc, which usually translates through to a better horse.

Side note…even when I was a teen and looked great, my facial expressions…let’s just say I have angry concentration face :rofl: