Perception vs reality - second guessing myself

[altertomyalter]

Alter so as to not out my insecurities. Will try to keep this short - mid-40’s, been riding around the 1m jumpers for about 20 years. Just recently went to first show after a few years away due to having kids, being without horse, etc…

At home, I thought we had been jumping well, I’ve gotten sooooo much better at maintaining pace, seeing distances ~95% of the time, not picking or gunning it when I don’t see the right distance. I was feeling more confident than I have in YEARS - someone even commented that I just needed the right horse to show what a good rider I was, as opposed to the more challenging rides I had before that made me ride more defensively.

We go to show, drop down to .95m just to make sure everyone has a good experience. I know I rode tense the first day, not enough pace, which led to some distance problems, but the second day was much improved, and I felt like I had some really good rounds to build on.

Until…I see the pictures. All of confidence just drained away…there I am, my leg swinging back, short releasing, hunched back, and looking about 25 lbs heavier than I thought I looked. (I’m actually down 15 lbs from my pre-baby weight, so I was starting to feel a bit better about my body). And of course the fences look tiny compared to how they feel in the ring…

And I just start to wonder…am I deluding myself? Is that how everyone else sees me, they just won’t tell me? Should I just give up b/c I’ll never look like an eq model? Sorry, I just don’t have anyone else to ask these questions. How do you compare what you perceive to be your reality with external perception? I’m working as hard as I can to fit riding in with three small children, full time job, etc…but is that just a waste of time? I don’t want to be someone who just tries to look the part!

Welcome to my pity party…

[Cocorona]

Okay first of all, can we just take a moment to celebrate your courage in getting back out there? We all know that this sport, practiced to perfection, looks so easy when it’s done right…but the work that’s going on underneath is monumental. Also, there is bravery in posting about things that I think we all feel at some point so kudos to you.

I think you’re letting your purpose- to compete, improve, and enjoy it- be outweighed by your perception of other people. The reason you are at this show is to have fun- and I’m guessing it’s precious personal time with three kids at home.

Maybe you don’t look like a 13 year old Eq kid anymore- but why would you even want to. Your body has given you three kids and has come back fighting to bring you into the show ring. You’ve worked hard to be there- who cares if you don’t have a teenagers metabolism!

The things you describe, those are your nerves showing- it’s much easier to remember to hold your shoulder, grab mane, etc at home when it’s the one thing you’re focused on at a time. At a show, you’re relying on muscle memory to help you through because you cant focus on anything but what’s in front of you. The good news is- those nerves lessen with experience under pressure. So the more you go out, the more you’ll learn and the more confident you’ll become.

I’d look at your photos as a woman who’s out there full of courage- which btw comes from the Latin, cur, meaning whole hearted. Keep following your passion and give yourself time to enjoy it and improve.

I’ll leave you with this thought- was there any trips you saw that day that went poorly? Did you think the same things about that rider as you question about yourself? I suspect you didn’t- it’s so much easier to be kind to strangers than to ourselves!

Kick on!

[wanderinglemon]

I hate seeing pictures of myself - you are not the only one!

But, your title refers to pictures as being “reality”, and that’s just not true. It’s a split second image that can be distorted by all kinds of factors, lens, light, editing, etc…

Timing is another factor, I know if I watch a video of myself jumping, there is inevitably one frame that looks horrible, but when you look at the jump as a whole it’s pretty good.

[BrownMareDon_tCare]

I’m going to second what the above have folks said. I was at a show this past weekend and watched my friend’s beautiful AO round (which ended up being the winning round!). Later, I was looking at photos in the professional photographer’s booth of that very round and they were… not great. The photos absolutely did not reflect the totality of what I saw when watching the round. This is not intended as a slam in any way to show photographers- they literally have a fraction of a second to catch that perfect moment, but it’s a good reminder that sometimes that split second moment caught on film is not a fair representation.

[Scribbler]

@altertomyalter

Photos don’t tell you much. Video is very informative. Video will tell you things like “your equitation was perfect until you tensed up before the jump.” Always get video.

Here’s the other thing about successful athletes. They have learned to put ego and social anxiety behind them and look at their performance objectively. No one ever won a marathon worrying that their shorts made them look too fat.

You should be getting regular videos at home, just a handful of 1 or 2 minute clips of key things on a cellphone are incredibly helpful. Look at these objectively and compare to what your trainer tells you.

And yes you will look bigger and heavier than 12 or even 18 year olds. That’s fine. You arent 12. But even thicker adults can have good seats, stable position, and light aids. Plus adults have patience and much more thoughtful cognitive responses

But you have to stop thinking like a 15 year old, which is OMG is this how everybody sees me and are they laughing behind my back? No one is laughing at a 30 plus mom who actually gets it together to do a jump show. They are cheering for you.

But even if someone rail bird did sniff, so what? All that matters is what you think, the horse thinks, and your trainer thinks. And what the judges think for the 5 minutes of your round.

If you want to continue you need to get more in your head. Your first thought seeing an unflattering photo should be OK, I see now what my trainer always says about my lower leg, etc. Not OMG is everyone judging me? No, they are not. They are too busy judging themselves

If you had video of the graceful teens you would likely see that they lack upper body strength, pinch with the knees, miss distances, ride in front of the jump, and often tumble off from a minor refusal.

All that said, a show does generally mean you revert back to your own worst habits through nerves. Do you get a chance to ride a full course now and then in lessons?

Also your previous bad horses will have made you defensive and you will revert to that under pressure. This will go away with practice.

[QHEventer]

THIS X1000!!!

#1 A photo only captures a fraction of a second - do not let that distort the way you feel about your progress

#2 Form follows function. You’re had some positive, consistent rounds and your horse was going well…give it time and keep doing what you’re doing. The equitation will come if you keep riding your ride!

I will find one thing at a time to focus on to correct if I’m unhappy with what I see in a video (I try to take photos with a grain of salt) so pick one small thing and only worry about improving that. Once that’s become muscle memory, you can choose something else. But, IME everything eq-wise tends to fall into place

[Peggy]

A photo is a moment in time, for better or worse. Look at the video and consider your trainer’s feedback of the rounds.

Congratulations for getting out there and showing.

[endlessclimb]

Hey man, if I could be out jumping the .95m without getting decked, I’d be tickled pink! We all have stuff to work on, you’re doing a great job with all the other stuff you’re juggling. Don’t sweat the small stuff, and get back out there to do it again!

[Renn_aissance]

First I want to tell you a little story. My mom recently returned to the show ring (at 2’!) after riding professionally as a junior and young adult. Her break was for a bit longer than yours. She was worried to come back into the public eye at a horse show because she thought she would look silly. What actually happened is that all her show mom friends, and all of our barn’s equitation kids, came out to watch and support her because they thought she was “so cool” for coming back to show after so many years. So, your perception is not the only one to consider here- and your perception may be diametrically opposed from that of the people who care about you!

On that note, you came back to the show ring after 20 years! Way to freakin’ go!

Don’t look at the pictures, listen to your trainer and get video, and have a wonderful time at your next horse show. If you look at photos of kids who won the eq finals this year, you’ll see shots where their shoulders are round and their legs behind them, and yet they still managed to produce a technically accurate and harmonious round on well-educated animals who would have called them on an incorrect instruction. You can’t extrapolate a round of 100 strides and 10 jumps from a split second. You had really good rounds to build on! Now go do it.

[Foxglove]

Agree with everyone else on this —and might point out as others did, how others perceive you may be a lot different than how you see yourself! One of the coolest people at my hunt club is a 3-Day rider who is currently showing Intermediate at 65 --she’s a gray-haired, pot-bellied woman --but wow! can she ride! Did I mention she’s also an MD and a DVM and practices both? She is my hero.

I am, at 70, I think, the oldest competitor in my sport in the Mid West --I shoot Mounted Archery in the summer --(and fox hunt in the winter). I chose my current horse for his mind --and his incredibly smooth canter --he’s a perfect archery horse --but he jumps poorly and at almost 6’, I look a little big on his 14.3 QH stocky body. Photos of me are less than flattering as I also wear a safety vest under my hunt clothes. Adds a few pounds in pictures.

And even though I look un-cool on my small QH, I can rock the house with my bow and take home the prizes. Archery is like golf --there’s no advantage to being young, strong, male, or female. It’s all about skill and that takes practice.

However, winning competitions and looking amazing isn’t why I ride —I LOVE sitting on my horse --I have archery courses around my farm --I get my horse, my bow, and PLAY almost every day (I have a practice horse so my competition horse doesn’t burn out). I love the practice --and riding. It is never dull.

Favorite current expression is : You Do You. I admire anyone who goes out and gets on a horse and has a good time. You win every time.

!

[leheath]

Take a look at some photos of top, Olympic-level show jumpers and you will see some truly terrible equitation. But I’m pretty sure they don’t give a darn about that - they are too busy working on what it takes to win!

If you hadn’t seen the photos, you would have been happy with the show. Does your trainer agree with your “pre-photo” feelings (I’m guessing yes!)? Focus on that! That’s reality! Your perception of other people’s perception of you is very unlikely to be accurate (on this, or any other topic!). You are out there doing it - the height of the fences is irrelevant and remember that most people are probably busy worrying about how they look (just like you are!) rather than how you look.

The biggest improvement in my happiness and success in riding has been letting go of “should” - what I should look like, what level I should be at, what scores I should be getting, etc. Doesn’t mean I don’t have goals, but I focus on those and the daily steps I can take to achieve them. I keep a little journal (it’s just a “note” on my phone) with a sentence or two about each ride. It’s often so hard to realize how far we’ve come when we are having a rough day, but I can look back through these little notes and realize a month ago I was struggling with something that is now easy. I also work really hard at not comparing myself and my progress to others - social media, in particular, makes it seem like everyone else is doing great when we always feel like we ourselves are struggling. That is not reality and is a significant “con” for social media.

If you enjoy riding then it is never a waste of time. Don’t give up.

[Markno99]

No advice, but this sounds exactly like me a few weeks ago. I was feeling great about my improved rounds at my first show in 12 years (also did better in day 2!) and so proud of myself for getting out there and doing it…and then I went to look at the professional pictures…ouch. Felt totally deflated (and looked totally INFLATED compared to my last show lol). Luckily someone in the barn took one decent picture of me and I just look at that one and try to forget the others.

Heck yes to us for getting out there and doing it!

[StormyDay]

Every once in a while you get a really bad show photographer. Someone who seems to always capture the one moment where your horses ears are back, your thumbs aren’t up and you are slouching a bit. I have a very photogenic horse, and one time I was at a rated show with him and went to go see our pics. Now I’m not the most gorgeous person in the world, and I expect that in the horse show photos, but my horse looked like a mule in those shots. Obviously didn’t buy any that day.

PS: if you made it around the course, you are doing fantastic. It doesn’t matter what you looked like. It’s jumpers. You could sit backwards if you wanted.

[TheDBYC]

@Foxglove you’re 70?? As in 7 × 10? Damn, I hope I look like that in 25 years!

@altertomyalter, I get it. I’ve recorded what felt like a fantastic-lookinf extended trot & been disappointed to see my lower leg swinging wildly. Yet the horse – who was a reliably hard-nosed school master – had been perfectly content with the way I rode it, so…

Riding is hard. Even the most magical of magical rides by one of the greats has a few spots where things could be criticized. So what! IMHO, riding, any riding, from up/down kids all the way to Charlotte Dujardin & Valegro setting a world record, is to be celebrated for the sheer miracle of it. Two creatures who share no common language somehow manage to learn to connect. And even crazier, speak to each other through random signals that they’ve both agreed have the same meaning. That’s forking mind blowing in my book!!

You rocked it at .95m in a competition! That’s amazing! Try not to worry about what things looked like in the 1/64th of a second captured on film.

[TheJenners]

@altertomyalter

And I just start to wonder…am I deluding myself? Is that how everyone else sees me, they just won’t tell me? Should I just give up b/c I’ll never look like an eq model? Sorry, I just don’t have anyone else to ask these questions. How do you compare what you perceive to be your reality with external perception? I’m working as hard as I can to fit riding in with three small children, full time job, etc…but is that just a waste of time?

Been there, minus the small kids part, and you are still riding at a higher level than I am! So give yourself some credit!

My job is more than 40 hours a week, thankfully my commute is next to nothing, but I have a small horse-n-hobby farm and sometimes, I’m just TIRED. I don’t ride as much as I should, for the quality of horses I have, and that’s the downer I get to feel from time to time. All the work and money into a farm, an arena, nice horses, and sometimes I’m sitting inside with a case of the don’t-wannas. Add in icky pics and yow. I have battled with confidence for years and years, get to where I am doing okay, go to a new facility and look at the video and see that the horse is fine with everything whereas I felt like she wasn’t, and she is literally WP jogging around and I look a scared old lady, at 39

As for perfect EQ model? Errr… I can think of only a few people who are real world ammies who do!! I have long legs and a short wide body, I have short thighs compared to my shins so they look too short in the saddle, which in turn makes any mistake I make with my long lower leg look that much worse, and I either slouch or look like I’m trying too hard to not slouch. And I’m 20 pounds over weight at least and short, and instead of getting boobs I got gut.

[Peggy]

@TheDBYC

Try not to worry about what things looked like in the 1/64th of a second captured on film.

Probably more like 1/800 or 1/1600 so an even smaller percentage of the round.

[Foxglove]

@TheDBYC -yep --old lady --but with a good horse, I’m ageless. Here’s a pix that shows my archery horse size better --he’s not such a good fox hunter --but he’s an excellent archery horse. Last competition he ran 30+ times --optimum time is 14 seconds for a 90 meter track. He was between 13 and 14 seconds every . single. time. And I can “stride count” on him --once I know the distance between targets from a practice run, I can count his strides and know to shoot on the 6th, 13th, and 19th stride --that helps my accuracy.

[endlessclimb]

My god does this look fun! Go you!

[McGurk]

I Ioff this thread.

And I am bookmarking it for the next time a poster refers to COTH as a bunch of mean girls. What a great example of empathy and support.

Dear OP,

I am in a very similar place. I rode professionally in my 20s and 30s, but in my 40s and 50s, only pleasure rode. I am now 63 and foxhunting, hunterpacing, taking lessons and clinics and doing stuff I never would have imagined I would get back to.

I used to spend a lot of times in lessons apologizing for my bad riding and my lack of fitness. A wonderful clinician looked at me quizzically and said “I’m not seeing what you’re seeing and feeling.” That helped me let go of my expectations and “shoulds.” And then I jumped a stadium course at 2’6" and didn’t suck. Good pace, happy horse, in rhythm, held my track - didn’t suck.

Now, of course, when I saw the video, I was horrified by how I looked in breeches and my riding, mostly that I needed a stride or two to regroup, pick my shoulders up, etc., after a fence. You know, like a not entirely fit person.

But, F it! I’m 63 and I rode a real course for the first time in ~ 25 years.

And I rode better than anybody sitting at home on a couch or sitting on the sidelines.

I have never, in my entire career, been happy with a photo of me riding. There’s one that’s pretty damn good, and every time I look at it, I don’t see everything that’s right with it, I see that my lower leg is a hair farther back than I’d like, and I wish I had remembered to step into my heel a little more at the top of the fence. <<<<This is typical.

So get out there and keep doing it. Maybe don’t look at photos for a while. Ride for yourself, your own enjoyment and your own improvement. Remember that you’re riding better than the railbirds and the folks who didn’t enter.

And please come back, post again and tell us about your journey.

[Foxglove]

@endlessclimb: Mounted Archery was presented to me 5 years ago by my daughter who sent me info on a clinic not far. She said she’d groom for me at the clinic. As the last kid/grandkid had left the farm, I had four horses and nothing to do in the summer (fox hunt in the winter). So I went.

Good fit for me: don’t need a lot of strength, don’t need a special horse, age/gender no advantage or disadvantage. And for my horse (all of whom were no longer young, a 90 meter canter was well within their scope --no sliding stops, no calf hitting the end of the rope, and no jumps (I have jumps but there’s a rule on our place one can’t jump unless someone else is on the farm -safety). Since I am mostly here alone, MA was something I could practice by myself.

And for me personally, the practice is the joy. I do go to competitions --about one a month May, June, July, August. But I have no interest in going any place I can’t ride my own horse --so that leaves out distant venues and overseas.

Therefore, my ranking is moot. I always shoot my best --but if I’m 1000th in the USA or 10th, I don’t really care. I do travel with another woman archer --and we have a continuing battle to beat one another --that makes it fun.

Best part about archery is I can play with my bow and my horse at the same time. A little land (90 meters flat track) a target, and we are good to go. I even set up a game trail with 3-D targets in my woods so I can shoot deer, bear, turkey (never can hit that one), and raccoon --then spend the rest of my time looking for the arrows that missed!

Great sport.