The parents got divorced and the money stopped flowing.
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I just feel bad for the kiddo with all this nonsense drama.
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Speaking generally, I feel for a lot of the kids growing up in the blog era, where their personal information is being shared far and wide before theyâre old enough to understand it and consent to it. While theyâre young, their stories are riding tandem with those of their parents. I donât begrudge those parents the opportunities for catharsis and self-expression but I think it would behoove a lot of them to think about whether they really want their child to see any particular post when the kidâs old enough to google themselves.
(Side note, I think that the Petersiks from Young House Love have walked this line pretty well.)
This sounds like a nice kid with a reasonable amount of talent and some good people pulling for him. I hope he has a lot of fun doing whateverâs next for him in the horse world.
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It is called Sharenting and I sometimes wonder if it contributes to the higher than ever before rates of anxiety we see in our kids today. When you know your parents share all your successes on Facebook, it must feel extra crappy when you failâŠcrappier than when it was just shared at the dinner table and maybe in a phone call with a friend.
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âSharenting.â Thatâs really interesting and a good way to describe the phenomenon.
I will say that âshare tingâ does tend to die a natural death when kids hit their tween and teen years. They develop opinions on MANY things pretty quickly⊠what they wear to school, what type of haircut they get, what movie we go to see in theaters, etc etc. This is all normal⊠everyone who is a parent and has kids who have reached these ages has experienced this. The only thing I will say is that puberty does seem to be happening earlier and earlier with kids these days (itâs a biological issue⊠some studies point to long term environmental exposure to more chemicals in foods and the environment that mimic hormonesâŠ) Anyway, my older child who is now a âtweenâ has reached the point where they let me know loud and clear if they donât want me to take a photo of them. And if they donât want me to take the photo⊠they definitely donât want me to share it. This started in 4th grade⊠so around age 10. Itâs fairly normal I think for kids to begin feeling more self conscious at that age. So now, I make sure to ask before I take any photos, or share anything. Itâs actually become a bit of a communication opportunity⊠it starts a conversation with my tween about what they feel self conscious about, etc. Good stuff to be aware of as a parent, so that you can be a little more sensitive and supportive. Also, just an FYI, kids arenât supposed to have email accounts or be on social media prior to age 13. So that at least gives parents some time to figure this whole transition out⊠stop sharing your childâs personal info⊠because itâs THEIR info⊠not yours. There also are some pretty good and user friendly programs out there to monitor what apps and sites your child is visiting or trying to download, and set restrictions, if they already have an iPhone (most kids do now at really young ages. Itâs really brutal to try and fight these trends⊠I will admit to caving in once one of mine started middle school. But I am the âeye in the skyâ and there are no apps or internet activity going on with the childâs phone without me approving and monitoring. So no social media yet).
Anyway⊠Iâm just adding this comment to say that this parent and child seem to be right at the beginning of this stage, and the sharing by the mother will probably die a natural death pretty shortly, one way or another.
I did read the essay, and the link to her previous essay. I agree with whoever said it came across like it was originally an introspective therapy exercise. She is in the midst of a divorce apparently, and going to counseling while coping with a divorce is totally understandable and normal.
My initial reaction to both of her essays was actually less about the horse related components and hunters and expense of showing and pony finals etc⊠It was just that she seems to be struggling with the same INTENSE youth sports craze that so many others are in our generation of parents (Iâm a similar age as the writer) with kids this age (my kids are a similar age to hers) Iâve got kids who do multiple sports⊠and though riding is DEFINITELY crazy expensive if you want to do the A hunter show circuit like this and work with a show barn and have your child ride REALLY fancy ponies⊠other sports can add up quickly too. Travel teams, on top of recreational community leagues for youth sports are now a âthingâ ⊠and most travel teams I know have parents paying a fee to buy in, paying fees to participate in tournaments, paying for travel and hotels all over the country, paying for private coaching for 8 or 9 or 10 year olds in terms of baseball (hitting coaches are a big deal), lacrosse (donât get me started), swimming⊠yup. Itâs all a thing. It all adds up. Though definitely horse showing on the A circuit is a different crowd than the middle class parents I know on some of the baseball sidelines who have overextended themselves financially with travel sports in pursuit of some sort of dream in relation to their young child.
I do know a family who is CONVINCED their 11 year old boy will be playing lacrosse in college, and either get a scholarship or an admissions advantage to a school he wouldnât get into otherwise. This essay about the child and âpony dreamlandâ actually made me think of those people immediately. That family has been dropping thousands and thousands on private coaching, travel teams, specialized clinics, and box lacrosse all winter so the kid can play year round, and have been going up and down the east coast on a summer âShowcaseâ tournament circuit since this kid was 8 or 9. Going to Major League Lacrosse games several hours away and waiting in lines just so their son can get a jersey autographed by a player who is really good⊠but honestly⊠most of the general public not involved in that sport know VERY little about (no offense to McLain Ward⊠but most kids I know who are this age have no idea as to who he is either). Itâs actually the mother in particular who is the force behind most of these choices with the lacrosse family⊠even though she never played that sport herself. Ever. Itâs actually kind of odd. Did the pony dreamland mother ever ride herself as a child or young adult? Just curious. The people I know are definitely middle class, or upper middle class⊠I donât know specifics of their finances, but know what they do for a living, and none of the money shelled out for all the private coaching, showcase tournaments, etc etc seems reasonable to me. But Iâm frugal in general. The child practices every day after school⊠has for years⊠and the parents deal with every practice, game, and travel tournament by having one take their OTHER child to activities, and one going with their lacrosse kid everywhere. Anyway, a few years ago when I was better friends with this mother than I am now, she admitted to me that the marriage was really unhappy, but neither wanted to divorce and put the kids through that, so this whole split schedule thing related to the kidâs sports seemed like a good way to cope. The mom in particular informed me that at least with the lacrosse participation, she felt as though she was doing something good for her childâs future, maybe even setting him up to get into Johns Hopkins, Duke or UVA one day via a âside doorâ if college scouts spotted him playing at a showcase tournament (the child was 9 when we had that conversation⊠lacrosse dreamland I guess) and this was a better use of her energy and time than struggling through family dinners or weekend activities altogether as a unit⊠and having emotional and financial tension and arguing and resentment between herself and her husband playing out in front of the children.
REALLY sad⊠really hard to watch this sort of thing up close and personal and just bite your tongue. I havenât spoken to that family in a long time, as we all just drifted apart. But this womanâs essay immediately brought them to mind. And I do think there is a weird generational dynamic going on with intense youth sports participation at REALLY young ages now that isnât great for the kids, or families or finances. From what Iâve personally seen of it all so far, my suspicion is that MANY of the kids and families swept up in this are going to end up burnt out, and quitting their sport of choice altogether by their high school years. And itâs hard to go back in time and make up for years and years of family dinners, and relaxed time together as a family in one place on weekends, just having fun, that never happened when your children were still young.
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And yet you CONSTANTLY share other peopleâs news on these forums - and youâre an ADULT. Youâre the greatest sharer of other peopleâs FB news on all of COTH!! The hypocrisy of your posts - it never stops!
Okay, Iâm going to chime in here because I was once very much like the mom being walloped on this thread. I never spent the enormous sums mentioned in the blog post, nor did my kid ever get good-luck wishes from a top national rider. But though this happened back in the seventies, hereâs how the much reviled mom and I were alike:
My kid was enrolled in a snake pit of a junior high, where even friends sheâd known since kindergarten suddenly turned on her because she wasnât wearing the cool lip gloss or dressing in the right jeans. She became a barn rat at a local kid barn where she rode a fractious, untrained, and unsuitable Arabian mare and despite working very hard got repeatedly skunked in the little local shows where her barn friends were riding schoolies who knew their jobs and so ended up in the ribbons.
I couldnât stand seeing her work so hard for so little return, and though I was completely ignorant about horses, you donât know what you donât know, and I dropped the princely sum of $6,000âan amount I could ill afford-- on a racing-type quarter horse because he was gray and flashy to look at, and also because his owner claimed that Rich Fellers had found him talented for jumping and at one point wanted to lease him. No surprise, the flashy horse was no more suitable than the Arabian, and since the jump training available to us at the time consisted entirely of âOkay, now go jump that,â my kid did no better than before and could never understand why things werenât working out.
Eventually I bought a new truck and a shiny stainless-steel Miley trailer (which they soon stopped building, probably because the stainless steel and the Honduran mahogany floors just didnât pencil out in profit), and learned to drive it up and down the I-5 corridor for eventing, dressage clinics, and so on. Got to be expert in hitching up, backing into tight spaces, the whole thingâwhich I mention because it just goes to show how desperate I was to help my kid be successful. She deserved it, I felt, for her hard work and dedication. Of course neither the truck, the trailer, or the horse helped at all.
When your kid is miserable at school, it can make a mom so nuts sheâll do ANYTHING to help. If the money is there to spend, sheâll spend it no matter how unwise.
As to the mom in the PH blog post, I think her main point may have been exactly what so many on this thread have observed: that her son doesnât have to give up riding just because he canât do the AA shows, and will learn and have fun at his new barn. However, the 150K and the detail about grooming and the BNT name-drop were huge distractions and may have distorted her message.
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You do realize posters were directed to the Facebook page and itâs been repeated that the author wants it to be shared right? VHM didnât just randomly start a thread about it. In fact it was a tame discussion until the FB post was copied to the BB and the author named for âsharing purposes.âÂ
I will never understand why people post things, on FB or otherwise for public consumption and get mad when itâs not well received by everyone.
On topic, I get why writing this would be cathartic, I just feel bad for the kid that it was published.
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I donât want to argue with you on this thread, as it has nothing to do with what you are upset about in terms of my posts.
If you want to take me to task for the statements that people have PUBLICLY posted on Facebook, that I have copied, pasted, and shared on these forums⊠along with my opinions regarding their PUBLIC social media statements⊠you are free to do so. But please⊠go back to the George Morris threads. the Rob Gage thread, or the People Undermining Safe Sport thread. And be up front that what you are REALLY upset about is your opinion that I have âunfairlyâ targeted certain people who have VERY PUBLICLY gone on social media (Facebook in particular) and made REALLY HOSTILE statements about victims of sexual abuse.
You seem particularly upset about my criticism of Bonnie Navin and Diane Carney. Let me know if there are other folks involved in the ongoing Safe Sport discussion that you think I âhate targetâ or âhate stalkâ who you want to defend. But from what I gather, you are mostly upset about those two individuals.
On a different unrelated thread, started by a trainer who, AGAIN, publicly posted on Facebook about a situation, and PUBLICLY started a GFM account⊠you again were OUTRAGED that I chose to share her PUBLIC COMMENTS on a thread discussing her situation. Because other people saw her comments and criticized her. Others copied and pasted her Facebook comments to these forums before I did. The trainer HERSELF copied her own email to the USDA and shared it PUBLICLY on Facebook, and then it made itâs way to these forums. Someone else, actually the OP on that thread, copied and pasted it to the forums and said the family WANTED it shared publicly and widely. And predictably⊠we all analyzed and discussed it. And brought up other publicly available information about the trainer and situation, and all voiced our opinions on it.
Thatâs what people do on these forums.
But you zeroed in on me in particular on that thread as well, and accused me of âhate stalkingâ that trainer. Which is odd. I was obviously VERY focused on a particular aspect of her GFM plea and USDA e-mail that I personally was agitated by for reasons I explained. Others on the thread thought I beat a dead horse and went too far with my criticism. They said so. I replied that they are entitled to their opinion. Eventually the thread moved on.
But within 24 hours, you have found my comment on this thread, and are AGAIN personally attacking me. For⊠sharing âother peopleâs newsâÂ? I donât share other peopleâs news. I have indeed shared PUBLIC comments ADULTS have made on contentious hot button topics related to Safe Sport, that I found noteworthy. And recently, public comments on the other thread about Warmblood Imports, that others shared for pages before I weighed in on that discussion.
You clearly get VERY upset when anyone like me dares to criticize hunter personalities within a certain insular circle who say things on Facebook, publicly, that are actually a bit embarrassing when folks shine a spotlight on these particular statements. All the people Iâve criticized fall within a certain corner of sport, and seem to be ISWG people. Iâm actually not sure about the warmblood import trainer⊠but she is closely associated with other VERY prominent ISWG people.
Iâm sorry you are having such a hard time with this, and how Safe Sport has affected a certain inner circle of the sport, and how many folks, such as myself, have strong opinions on it. But please, go to the applicable threads that seem to be at the root of your issue with me, and voice your feelings there. These issues really donât have anything to do with this thread. My comment about this mother and her article, and âsharentingâ in general is pretty benign, and I think your outrage is out of order.
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@Denali6298 - I do understand why you feel bad for the kid that it was published. I stink at being brief (Iâll own it⊠everyone knows I suck at being brief when commenting⊠oh well), but what was buried in the muddle of my long comment was essentially that I think the whole issue of parents OVERSHARING on social media or blogs or whatever is something that is definitely unfortunate⊠but the kids themselves have an interesting way of reining in their own parents by and large once they hit a certain age. My guess is this child will too 
And though bullying is still, and always will be, an issue during these painful awkward teenage years⊠it seems like kids these days are all somewhat jaded, and aware that their parents are bumbling idiots online, routinely committing goofy social media faux pas. Iâve not heard about many kids bullying other kids because the parent posted stupid stuff to social media. They all seem to actually do a better job of ignoring that sort of thing than the adults :o
But I am only at the early stages of this whole phase⊠others might have a different take on it all.
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If Ziggy is patient (sounds like he has a good head on his young shoulders and is a hard worker), Iâm betting heâll get his share of catch rides.
I think its a pretty well-known fact among many many athletic coaches that the parents are so much harder to deal with than the kids. I feel like this mom in the blog has probably inserted her own agenda into her sons life with horses, much like the lax mom mentioned above by Virginia Horse Mom. Every parent wants their kid to be the next mega-star but sheesh! These people are really going all-inâŠand not to be too unkind, but what is the end-goal??Both of these sports are not known for rolling in the fat-cash as compared to the MLB, NFL, NBA or NHL!!!omg. People really are crazy sometimes, especially when kids and money get thrown in the mix-2 things folks are passionate about
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And parents tend to vastly overestimate the likelihood their child will be a star in whatever sport they are pursuing. The reality is, less than 2% of high school athletes get any sports scholarship at all, and most of these are for far less than a full ride. The percentage of athletes who ever become pro or are able to make a career of their sport is infinitesimally small.
The point here is not that kids shouldnât do sports, but that they should do them for the enjoyment and satisfaction of becoming competent at the activityânot due to unrealistic dreams of becoming a star. And, they should not sacrifice their academics, which are a more likely path to long-run financial security.
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In situations like this I always wonder about the other kids in the family. Are they being denied things they want so the âstarâ child can have everything? Are they not encouraged to develop interests so there will be no conflict? Do they get dragged along to games/meets/shows wether they like it or not?
Iâm not suggesting that any of this is going on in this family, itâs just something I wonder about.
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And I wonder about the husband. Was he clueless about the bills being paid for his young son to ride at this level? Was he in agreement? Or was he fighting it all along and trying to rein it in until he finally said NO MORE.
There are always two sides.
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Parents can DEFINITELY be the hardest issue for coaches to manage in the world of youth sports. Riding included. A big issue amongst many families I have interacted with on the sidelines of many different sports is parentâs angst over how competitive our entire culture is now. Getting into college is so much more competitive than it used to be. Go to ANY sporting event and compare how these kids play and ride (and the sort of ponies some of them ride) and try and think back to your own experiences 30 years ago. The kids in the top ten percent in most sports and academics are really impressive, talented little buggers these days.
And sometimes⊠we all get REALLY anxious as parents that our little one is going to have a hard time competing.
Thatâs the vibe I picked up from this motherâs essay. I consciously chose to tune out the talk about money, all the name dropping, and some of the other related aspects of the essay that were frankly not my cup of tea. What I was left with when I tuned that stuff out, is a story about a mother who does indeed live her kid very much, and really and truly does want to support him, and is realizing that what she invested a TON of time and emotional energy into for the last two years in terms of her son pursuing riding and showing as a major activity and part of his budding identityâŠ
Well⊠it all came at a cost. Not just financial, but also emotional. I did NOT get the vibe that this sport was the root cause of the marital issues. And frankly⊠the breakdown of any marriage is always a complicated and painful thing, and almost always involves actions on the part of both people. What I gathered from the essay is that this mother SPECIFICALLY regrets setting her son up so that this level of the sport became his ânormâÂ⊠and now in addition to the family changes, heâs experiencing a ânew normalâ and itâs all part of a big picture that has this mother feeling sad and anxious and worried about his well being.
This woman is not perfect. No one is. Definitely not me. But at least she is really trying to look at the whole scope of the last few years of choices, whatâs going on with her family, and how this is possibly impacting her child. She might possibly be failing to see how sharing a ton in the blog is ALSO potentially going to impact her son at some point if he reads it all⊠but hey⊠at least after reading both blogs, heâll know his mother does say a lot of really loving stuff about him.
I can immediately flush back to 4 or 5 different parents watching there kids (little boys who were 8 at the time) from the sidelines of a lacrosse game SCREAMING at their kids, in a way that I just didnât understand. It was VISCERAL. Iâve been to plenty of college football games in the Deep South and NFL games. I donât mind nutty sports fans who get passionate. But these were 8 year old little boys just starting to learn how to play what is actually a pretty hard sport with respect to coordination, technical skills, and complicated rules. I watched a few of these parents after games were lost, and their son fell down and lost control of the ball, or made an attempt to pass it and the ball got intercepted, or was trying to okay defense and just got checked hard and knocked down by the offense on the other team (often older bigger boys) who then went on to score a beautiful goal⊠well - I have watched these adults deliver SCATHING lectures to their 8 year old boys just off to the side from where the rest of the team was enjoying a snack of cookies and a juice box (regardless of the loss. Because theyâre 8. Most of them still care more about cookies than who won the game). The lectures were typically not quite loud enough for everyone else to hear, but you could just watch the intense competitive face of the parent, and how the boys would look down at the ground with slumped shoulders, or look all around because theyâre 8 and focus just isnât a well developed skill yet⊠and it just bothered the hell out of me. To his credit, the coach of the team that season (who was actually a Marine and a seriously tough guy) stepped into the midst of two different lectures twice and told the parent to settle down and lay off their kid. It was surreal. And sad.
So I guess when reading this essay and digesting what the mother has chosen to share publicly⊠Iâm going to choose to focus on how nice I think it is that her son is not experiencing THAT sort of parenting at present. Unless sheâs been dragging him off the pony when he leaves the arena after a flat class in which he posted on the wrong diagonal all the way around d the ring once without noticing, and telling him that heâs an embarrassment to the family, and will never amount to anything more than a trail guide at a local, pay-by-the-hour, public stable, managing a string of broke down and bedraggled grade horses, in the middle of nowhere, and living in a moldy and rusted single wide if he keeps this up. Because honestly⊠thatâs how ugly and nasty I have seen other hyper competitive parents get with their kids in other sports. Iâm not kidding. Itâs awful.
So yeah⊠he may cringe when he reaches age 13 or 15 and looks back on some of the blogging his Mom did. But at least he wonât be flashing back to the time he fell off, and how she told him later on after the lesson that he was an embarrassment, a waste of her time and money, and a loser. I honestly still worry about a few kids who I know have been told this sort of thing by their own parents before they were even 10, because the parent has gotten so carried away by a specific sport and delusional ambitions and vicarious dreams that they are projecting onto the poor kid.
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I am 100% in agreement with you on this. Market watch did a really thorough and interesting article on this back in 2018 and broke down the statistics in detail in terms of scholarships available in specific sports, and the number of high school athletes competing for the money.
Bottom line though, if the parents saved the thousands of dollars they have paid for private coaching and travel teams and hotel bills etc etc in a 529 account starting at age 7⊠in most cases (barring another catastrophic market downturn⊠but for the last two years, itâs been a huge boon to those of us who chose the 529 route and chilled out on weekends) there will be FAR more money there by age 18 for the child to help mitigate the expense of college, than they will receive if they get a partial ride to play almost any sport other than football and basketball at a Div 1 school (which do mean frequently mean full rides for the student athlete).
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Iâve thought a lot about this blog post and why it bothered me so much. It all comes down to her tone. The way she writes the article makes it seem like she HAD to spend that much to make her son happy. She seems to think that showing at the uber expensive shows and winning blue ribbons is whatâs making her son happy, and that by not spending 3x the average Americanâs annual income on showing ponies, she feels sheâs a bad mother and that her kid has no chance at happiness.
If she were to take a step back, maybe she would realize that itâs not the big money shows, or the $5000 custom boots (seriously, WTF?) or the Tailored Sportsmans that make the kid happy. I donât want to speak for the kid, but anyone on this board will tell you that if youâre in it for the ribbons or the glory, youâre in it for the wrong reasons. If heâs really a horseman, and it sounds like he is, he wonât care if he isnât showing in Wellington or at Pony Finals. Heâll simply be happy to be in the presence of his ponies. Like @Scribbler mentioned far upthread, he would have gotten the same benefits with a pony in the backyard and a field to ride around in.
Showing at expensive shows doesnât mean youâre a better horseman than someone who prefers to go on trail rides. Jumping 1.40m doesnât mean youâre a better rider than someone who jumps 2â6". Spending $150k on horses wonât make your kid happier than if you spent $1500. It all depends on what you do with it.
When I had my first pony, my coach took on a role as an assistant trainer for someone who wanted me to go to the âAAâ and âAâ shows. I didnât know this at the time, but my parents told me later that the head trainer really pushed for them to sell my cheap craigslist pony and buy something fancier so that Iâd win at shows. Thank god, my parents simply told him that I loved my pony and was having fun, so he wasnât going anywhere. (the best part? We did better than anyone else at the barn at the one âAâ show we attended - take that, snobby trainer!)
To this day, I am immeasurably grateful that my parents didnât buy into the whole H/J notion that more money = better. Iâll be the first to admit it was a bit frustrating at the time. Of course I wished that I could have a junior jumper, or that I could have qualified for young riders. I longed to go to Spruce Meadows and show in the huge grass rings. I certainly had the drive and the potential to do big things. But you know what? Iâd be willing to bet that I had way more fun than the kids who did have those things. I never felt pressure to win, I never felt like I was letting my parents down when I did poorly, and I never had to worry about ruining my parentsâ investment in a horse that cost as much as a house.
Iâve gained so much from horses, and none of it had to do with fancy horse shows and expensive ponies.
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@Virginia Horse Mom That is reassuring. My family is extremely private to a fault sometimes. I just canât wrap my head around people posting such personal things or in this case publishing them.
And I agree with @equinelibrium the tone really put me on edge. I get most parents want the best for their kids and my Mom, thatâs my own experience, once expressed to me that she wishes she could of done more. But she couldnât for various reasons. I was just happy participating in the sports I enjoyed and I got to ride and eventually own horses. I have learned reflecting back on my own life that woulda, coulda, shoulda is a waste of time.
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Thank you for saying this. I found it very peculiar that the mom in the article seemed to assume that h/j show world somehow is some amazing environment for a child to learn riding and horsemanship, so much so that âdreams are shatteredâ if one can no longer afford it. This is simply quite far from reality. The A show circuit is actually in many instances NOT a great place for kids, and there are a lot of reasons why that is true. Plenty of parents specifically have their children avoid A rated h/j showing for reasons other than financial. âPony Dreamlandâ with may be fun and very convenient for wealthy parents, but it is definitely not the best place for a child to learn how to really ride, nor learn how to be the most skilled and knowledgeable horse person.
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