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Thereās tons of threads on this question and it seems every time it comes up, everyoneās threshold for what is doable (or possible depending on area) is different.
I drive about 20 minutes to a full care boarding barn. I would be willing to drive up to 30, but any more than that would make it unfeasible for me with my work schedule and other obligations. Mare has to get ridden 4 - 5x a week or sheās a housefire mentally.
That being said, I donāt think itās unreasonable if it works for you, to drive an hour each way. Thatād be way too much for me, but Iām assuming your friend has an opinion on you being far from your horse in an emergency? In my opinion, if one canāt trust the facility can handle an emergency in their stead one shouldnāt be there. Otherwise, doesnāt seem like it makes a difference as long as your vet can get there.
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My drive is ~15 minutes, 8.5 kms or 5ish miles.
I am very lucky to have the barn located inside the city - but it is a very relaxed, non-competitive, (mostly) lesson barn. I am re-rider, not looking to compete at this time and have a very good relationship with the BM.
I would be willing to drive max 45 minutes for the right facility. I live in Canada and the winters here bring very sketchy road conditions so that factors pretty high in my decision. My daily driver is a little car, so I donāt want to be driving around country roads in a blizzard haha.
But I think what is āreasonableā really depends on the person, what the barn offers and that personās resources.
I have never boarded at a competition barn. That isnāt important to me. Sacred threeā¦food, movement and footing. When I was taking lessons about 10 years ago, I lessoned once every 2 weeks. That was more than enough homework to take home and work on. I hate being coached every step of the way. We were progressing at a satisfactory (to me) rate with this arrangement.
So, no, I wonāt drive an hour. Many health issues have me currently happily riding for recreation. I am still doing some dressage training. Mostly good basics because the horse and I had 9 of those 10 years more off than on (due to my problems, not hers).
I am also my 92 yo motherās caregiver and I have a finite amount of āgoneā time. If I spend 2 hours driving, that leaves 1 hr for the horseā¦canāt do it. I moved my horse last year and am a bit closer than the previous barn. If traffic is flowing, it is a 15-20 minute drive. That is doable. If I desire to get back to lessons, I will haul out for those.
Susan
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I currently drive 30 miles one way, mostly highway, ~35-40+ minutes depending on traffic.
Strictly boarding barn. Due to several reasons, Iām only riding a couple times a week right now, so Iām fine with the drive. Itās the only barn anywhere around here that offers 24/7 turnout and free-choice alfalfa blocks, which is why I chose the barn in the first place. I sold my farm and had to start boarding again, turnout is non-negotiable. I stay because the BO is amazing, the care is exactly what I did on my own farm, and itās quiet and peaceful.
Everyoneās threshold is different, absolutely, how could we all have the same one? People have all different responsibilities, finances, jobs, etc. I work from home, and I donāt have a required specific work schedule (i.e. 8-5). I donāt have kids. Iām largely free to do with my spare time exactly as I please. Someone with rigid time constraints would certainly not be thrilled about driving such a distance to see their horse.
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OP I think your friend is out of line with her opinions about your life ā thatās basically what your barn commute is part of. There is no āruleā or even a custom that determines whatās reasonable. It is up to the individual.
I met a woman once who was driving 1.5 hours (one way!) to their barn almost every day - thatās a 3 hour round trip on most days. More commute time than her 2 hour horse time ā¦ anyway, 5 hours of her day went to riding, counting the commute. And she worked a full-time job. And had a husband, but no children.
No idea how she got anything else done. She said she did a lot of work by phone and could do that in the car, so some of the commute time was also work time. She did very little else in her life at that time. Not much social or any other activity but work and riding.
It worked for her, she was getting everything she wanted most at that time of her life. The daily 3 hours of car time was quality time for her.
She did say that when she and her husband were ready for children this part of her life would be scaled down drastically. I think that was a reason she wanted to pursue it while she could.
For myself, I could never ever do that! Itās just not me, I want to do some other things, too. But I actually understand how someone could be so dedicated, and also so committed to exactly the right work job, that they would do this to make it work.
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My longest commute (for several years) was 45 minutes one-way. I had the time-to-leave and even the freeway lanes to be in down to a science so that 45 min was predictable. But I also could only ride 4 days a week, only 3 on some weeks, because of the time used commuting.
For the riding I wanted to do that was really the only option. After several years of that I had a chance to change jobs productively, move across town significantly closer to the barn, while renting my previous residence for extra income, and cut my horse commute time in half! Big win all around for me. 
During that time I lived only 15 minutes from work in order to minimize that every-day commute and especially make sure I had access during snowy winters. I had friends who asked why I didnāt live closer to the barn instead. Because the priority was work ā if work didnāt go well, there would be no riding! 
In another location I had a 45 minute one-way barn drive through some of the most gorgeous rural countryside. It was uplifting. And time-consuming.
At this moment I am just under 30 minutes from the barn and it is the shortest barn drive of my life since I graduated college. So thatās an hour round trip but I can make it a productive hour and/or a relaxing one.
I am most likely a lifetime boarder. Barn commute time is always something to manage.
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My max for the typical barn around here is 30 minutes. Anything much further and my schedule wouldnāt allow me to go out as much, and Iād need more services from the barn. Most barns around here wonāt do blanket changes, meds that require extra handling, or bandage changes or anything like that, so I have to make sure itās something I could do every day if my horse were injured or the weather is weird. Maybe if money was no object and the barn was very full service, further away would work out. It sort of depends on what your barn will do for you though.
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This is a very big deal, imo. If I need to be out frequently to do horse care, it definitely changes my priorities. For most of my horse life I am paying someone else for that. A small barn works better because with fewer horses to handle they tend to be more willing to do an extra now and again.
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Hour commute to a full service barn. A couple of reasons 1. The trainer is there 2. It used to be closer to work-now that Iām retired that is no longer true. Iāve been there 17 years. Iāve boarded other places and although there are some things I would change, I never think about him when Iām away and thatās priceless. Heās 18 this year, soon to be 19 and youād never know it to look at him.
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I also have a 45 minute to hour commute to a full service barn, 3 times a week. I live in a major city where I am close to work. Iāve been with my trainer for over 10 years, and want to stay with her program. There are a few other options, but they are still about the same driving distance. It is a competition barn, so that aspect does matter for me. Itās also a full care barn - I love that I donāt have to worry about my horse when Iām an hour away with traffic, because thereās staff there to take care of him. I also pay as part of my training package for him to get 2 training rides a week. One day I may move out of the city to be closer, but I have peace of mind that he is well cared for and in a great program even though my commute is long.
The longest Iāve driven is 42 minutes each way. That was last winter when I was rehabbing a broken ankle and 1) couldnāt do self care at my co-op barn and 2) needed an indoor and good footing so I could start riding again.
While I loved the amenities and the people, the drive was more than I could handle for longer than the winter. It meant I had to leave work by 4 and I still wasnāt home until at least 7.
I chose the barn because the facilities were awesome and the board was under $1k/month. Most places closer to me were $1200+.
I currently keep my horse in a very small private barn with amazing turnout but no indoor. Itās 6 minutes from my house and that makes my life so much easier. ETA: My horse also loves the turnout. She wasnāt a big fan of a busier barn.
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Iāve driven up to two hours and boarded once where I flew in every other weekend to ride.
My preference is as close as possible but everyone has different priorities.
I do self-care
Every morning I drive 25 mins (17 miles) to the barn, feed, etc and then 20 mins to work. Reverse in the afternoons.
Fortunately my horses are out 24/7, are air ferns and only get a handful of āgrainā once a day so occasionally I skip an afternoon (but a good friend who also boards there, checks them for me since I check her horses every morning). I donāt know that Iād be willing to drive much farther if I were still doing self-care but for full care, it could be farther away.
Edited to add- I could keep my horses at home but having them at the facility I do, gives me direct access to thousands of acres of trails so by boarding there I can condition my endurance horses without hauling.
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This is such a personal issue.
My long term boarding barn experience was about 15 minutes from home. After I married and we moved East I had a temporary boarding barn at a private stable 30 minutes away while we found a place of our own with property.
At the times I boarded I rode 6 days a week so anything longer than my 30 minute commute would be a no go.
Both barns were full care but I like to be a hands on owner so the ease of getting to my horses every day was a must.
25 minutes from my house to the barn, 45 minutes from my bfās. I go out every day, though it is more or less full care. It helps that I work from home/from wherever, so often Iāll drive to a coffee shop or library near the barn and work for a few hours before going out to do my mare. I would LOVE to be 5 minutes from the barn, but I love my trainer+barn environment.
Most Iāve ever done is an hour each way, and I went out 3-4 days a week. For some reason, I can handle the 45 minutes pretty well but once itās at an hour I really struggle to get out every day.
This is my set-up. I only go 4 days a week, but Iām in school too 
I had my horse at a closer (~35 minutes away) facility, but everything other than the drive was the wrong fit. My horse is happy and thriving and I, knowing the alternative, make the drive work.
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I am driving 45-70 minutes ONE WAY (depending on how idiotic drivers are on a given night) to my current barn. I do this because 1) my horse is blissfully happy and well cared for there, 2) my trainerās program is there and I love it. 3) there are no comparable barns/programs closer to me
Do I love it? No, not at all. It sucks some nights after a full dayās work. I have retired horses and a husband at home, as well.
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If it works for you, who cares what your friend thinks? It doesnāt matter if youāre far away if you trust the people taking care of your horse. With an hour drive to get to your horse, it might be a good idea to have a discussion with the farm owner about end-of-life decisions because an hour drive may be too far in that situation. I keep only senior horses at my farm so the owners give their vets a note that I am authorized to make end-of-life decisions if the owners arenāt reachable. Then we have a discussion about what to do when.
When I was a boarder I preferred to drive max 15 min so I could pop out without much planning. But Iād prefer to drive further for better care if what was close didnāt meet my needs.
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I currently teach a couple who drives 2 hours each way, so 4 hours per day. They are retired, but that travel time is summer travel time, and we are heading into winter, and secondary highway maintenance. Theyāve become so tired of it that theyāve sold their house, and move into a new one which is only 45 minutes away (each way), and they think thatās a bonus.
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