Preparing your kids when letting the family dog go

[MsM]

At the very least, they need to know what is happening. As their parents, you can help decide if they should be present, or say their goodbyes beforehand. If you have to go to the vet’s office, some kids would meltdown in the anticipation - you probably have an idea how yours might handle it. No judgement or shame either way.

I agree that further diagnostics are likely futile given the multiple issues and her comfort level. I would only ultrasound if it will help you solidify your decision.

My parents euthanized our family dog while I was away at college. It felt like a huge betrayal that still bothers me. I have no doubt it was necessary (it was due to long term issues, nothing emergent) but walking into that empty house was a horrible experience.

[Scribbler]

@MsM

At the very least, they need to know what is happening. As their parents, you can help decide if they should be present, or say their goodbyes beforehand. If you have to go to the vet’s office, some kids would meltdown in the anticipation - you probably have an idea how yours might handle it. No judgement or shame either way.

I agree that further diagnostics are likely futile given the multiple issues and her comfort level. I would only ultrasound if it will help you solidify your decision.

My parents euthanized our family dog while I was away at college. It felt like a huge betrayal that still bothers me. I have no doubt it was necessary (it was due to long term issues, nothing emergent) but walking into that empty house was a horrible experience.

Yes, children and teens can pick up burdens of guilt over loss and death evrn when they were not responsible. They can feel guilty they didn’t save the animal or person, or do enough, or love it enough. Guilt is a component of loss and it makes the loss so much worse and can eat away at someone and magnify over the years.

Most of the time, even hear on COTH, when we get a story of grief that won’t go, for animal or person, there is guilt or shame behind the grief, generally completely unwarranted.

Guilt and shame is related to anger. Guilt is when the feeling of responsibility turns inward and anger is when it turns outward.

The hard fact with a 14 year old dog or a 30 year old horse or even a 95 year old grandfather is that they are pretty much at the end of their natural life and you might get a few more years for the person or months for the dog. But when it’s time, it’s time. You won’t get a total reprieve. And with animals being so embodied, they don’t have much when their physicality is gone.

It can and does feel wrong and a betrayal on many levels to euth a beloved animal even when its time. Likewise, it can feel wrong to accept that a loved one is in palliative care, or terminally ill, or has a do not resuscitate order, or even has to go into a nursing home. You will find family members still desperately trying to raise cash on GoFundMe for experimental treatments for someone who is already dying, or raging that doctors can’t cure a terminally ill person and trying to find grounds for a malpractice claim (COVID cases are full of thus). Likewise you have people who internalize that they should have saved a parent from the parent’s own demons, and have crippling shame and guilt into adulthood.

So I think the important thing is fostering acceptance that this is a natural cycle, and there is no need for guilt or anger. Sometimes kids are indeed much better at this than we expect.

[luvmyhackney]

Just be honest and let kids say goodbye.

I wouldn’t continue testing and just let the kids enjoy a day spoiling your dog, then euth.

Not to be heartless but death is a fact of living a good life and loving openly. It’s going to happen, learn to accept and remember the great times and move on. Kids are really good at understanding and learning about the circle of life in a positive yet factual way.

[Zevida]

@Virginia_Horse_Mom

Thanks for your feedback. I couldn’t tell what was going on with the vet today… if she was trying not to influence us, or what. We don’t know this vet very well… it’s a relatively new practice for our pets. But maybe that was the reason behind her approach- she didn’t want to influence us.

I wanted my vet, who had cared for my cats for almost a decade, to give me “permission” to say good-bye to my cats, but all I got was more treatment options. I’m not sure why but I would expect that the vet is going to keep offering diagnostic tests and treatment options until there is absolutely nothing left. That doesn’t mean it is the right choice for your dog, though, and it’s up to you as the owner to make the best decision. Realistically the dog is 14 and is in pain and no matter what the diagnostics say you aren’t going to buy much more time.

Good luck navigating - it is so hard because there is no right or wrong or obvious. You have to trust your own heart and judgement and what is in the best interests of your pet.

[candyappy]

@Virginia_Horse_Mom

But my husband isn’t quite on the same page, and the vet seemed like they were expecting us to pursue any number of options to prolong life if possible… and like she was surprised I was so quick to rule out anesthesia, biopsy, and surgery on the mass. I don’t know. Maybe I am just feeling defensive. But I know my dog, and surgery is not the right choice for her.

Some people just find it hard to let go and I really think most vets are hesitant to even talk about euthanasia since so many clients seem to want to do tests and procedures and explore all possibilities first.

My vets know me and my way of thinking which is a blessing because we seem to be on the same page when it is time. My husband also supports me when I say it is time, or he brings it up first which helps take that conflict out of an already very difficult situation.

I hope the meds help your girl and that her breathing becomes easier and that you get the answers you need on Friday. Such a hard time to go through.

[Mosey_2003]

There are two vets in the practice I frequent. One is pretty no-nonsense, like most of our horse vets are, and the other is very…sunshiney. I don’t mind that one, but I really don’t prefer her, she’s one that will encourage every option and always says mom/dad and furbaby and the like, and I just really don’t care for that. But, when I decided it was time for my ancient Cocker, she is the one that was available and nobody argued with me about it, which did surprise me a bit. There are a lot of pet owners now that very much want to pursue every test and treatment possible, even when a lot of us would have called it long ago, so it makes sense that there are different styles among providers to cater to as many as possible.

[Cowboy_Girl]

They are old enough to be told exactly what you told us

[Bonnie2]

The spinal arthritis is plenty of reason to pass on surgery. That and the breathing sound like the things most impacting her quality of life. Hard enough to deal with this ourselves. Then multiplied by the children and the husband and the vet. My heart goes out to you!

[Alex_and_Bodie_s_Mom]

I know this isn’t what you asked, but I have to echo what some others have said - the spinal arthritis, and the pain she is already showing, would be enough for me to let her go now, without any other diagnostics. I would also be worried about putting her under sedation for the ultrasound, knowing she is already having trouble breathing.

Be honest with your kids. This is reality. This is what’s best for your beloved pet. If they choose to go with you to the vet, let them; saying that final goodbye will probably be more important than going to school that day.

[Lah0808]

@Alex_and_Bodie_s_Mom

I know this isn’t what you asked, but I have to echo what some others have said - the spinal arthritis, and the pain she is already showing, would be enough for me to let her go now, without any other diagnostics. I would also be worried about putting her under sedation for the ultrasound, knowing she is already having trouble breathing.

I agree, I don’t mean to pile on but I would feel even worse doing the ultrasound and then immediately putting her down. Your poor girl sounds like she’s just had enough and at 14 she’s had a good run. I know it isn’t entirely your decision but it is just my decision for my animals and after that vet report I’d definitely be finding an in home euthanasia service (I used Lap of Love, twice, they are wonderful) and letting her go. I’m sorry, it’s so hard.

[Highflyer1]

If you’re truly struggling with it-- I’ve generally found that asking the vet “If this was your animal, would you do the test/procedure or would you euthanize?” gets me a more straightforward answer.

I don’t have kids but I think scheduling the euthanasia rather doing further testing and being honest with them is absolutely the right choice. The at home services are great, or if it’s easier to do it at the vet on Friday, I’d consider keeping the kids home/taking them out of school early and letting them spend the morning spoiling the dog or take her for drive-through fast food or whatever and letting them be there if they want to.

[eightpondfarm]

about children being there when the dog is put to sleep, yeah i get-that it’s important to involve children for their sake and all.

But, as usual, my thoughts toward emotional support are with the dog. It’s hard enough to be in pain. ‘It’s hard enough to sense that mum and dad are worried and upset when i’m around them.’ But top that off with a super-emotional child crying or clutching or sad-dripping all over…and that is not fair to the dog. It is the dog’s death, not the children’s death. Think of the dog first and the children next. They will have plenty of opportunities in their life to experience death first hand. But your dog will only have one death coming his/her way. Please allow that to be as gentle and loving and stressfree as possible.

[OnAMission]

My kids always knew when something was coming up; I told them Pet wasn’t doing well, I think we’re running out of time, we spoiled them, I warned kids (from toddler stage) this is coming up get ready. We processed it all together with support. My kids spent their early childhood on a ranch so this was part and parcel but pets are different. The only ones that were hard on the kids were the surprise losses and thankfully we had few of those. I always was honest with the kids about the situation. Not looking good was not looking good.

That said, I never had any of my kids there for any of the animals passing, unless it happened while they were there. (bum lambs) I’ve assisted enough vets and been through it enough that it’s really kind of … brutal. Even the mercy injection is pretty heavy and IME cats are horrible… And in helping vets and being there myself I was all about keeping things quiet and not lots of emotional energy, just like eightpondfarm just said. My kids said goodbye before Pet was in the last few minutes, with a stranger, and the whole big picture. I think my kids can handle that ok now as adults but at the time I didn’t see the need for it and they handled things in stride.

I hate to say it VHM but I think I’d let things go now too… QOL is a thing and if you’re just rearranging chairs… IME you won’t regret just letting her go. I’m awful about wanting to hang in there but we’ve had so many animals I’ve learned to see the writing on the wall and sparing the animal and family the bitter end. You seem emotionally ready for it and you have a few days to prep everyone. Sometimes the end comes like a freight train, nobody wants it but here it comes. Let it happen.

[Virginia_Horse_Mom]

Hey all.

Thanks for the feedback.

I spent last night talking to my husband, and really walking him through the whole notion that dogs aren’t people, and they aren’t worried about what time they have left… that’s an emotional issue on our end only. And we owe her a duty to give her a peaceful end. He has never put a pet down before, as the last two were mine to manage while he was away for work when those choices needed to be made, and the kids were very young then and don’t even really remember those pets.

So I needed him 100% onboard, and with me on this before talking to the kids.

Today I called the vet office, and told them we plan on euthanizing on Friday. We talked through details about potentially still doing the ultrasound, then immediate euthanasia. The vet got on the phone and explained this is something they have done for other folks, and the dog will be sedated for the ultrasound, and they sedate anyways before euthanasia, so it is a non invasive procedure that won’t cause her extra pain. It may give us some extra information to make us more comfortable with the choice.

So that’s the plan.

I’m comfortable enough to let her go immediately without any extra tests… but I am not the only one in my family making the choice. So… I have to consider their feelings, and try to balance everyone… and get the whole situation moved towards a peaceful end for the dog ASAP, and some closure for the kids and husband.

We did go ahead and bite the bullet, and talked to our kids. The plan is to get assignments from school tomorrow, and keep them both home on Friday so they can say goodbye that morning, and then feel free to cry privately that day, and not stress over it at school. I’ve promised that if we get an ultrasound that shows the vet made a mistake when looking at x-rays, and there’s actually nothing seriously wrong… we won’t put her to sleep. But… they understand that’s not likely, and it’s most likely that we will put her to sleep. I am letting them hang onto a little hope for now just to help them come to terms with it over the next 36 hours, and process it. They’re kids and it’s not easy. So we are giving the old girl some extra treats, and just spending time with her.

We aren’t opting for home euthanasia as we want to cremate the dog and spread her ashes in the yard where she loved to run. She’s never been nervous for vet visits, so I am not anticipating that part of the process being hard.

The anti inflammatory meds have allowed the dog to sleep more comfortably, so that’s good. But it’s definitely time. I know it.

After we get through this… I’m planning on switching to a new small animal vet practice for our cats. I just have lost confidence in these folks. The vet today said she did support my choice to euthanize on Friday, and understood where I was coming from. But then mentioned that a lot of other clients prefer to try and hang on and some options to get a little more time. I didn’t feel like she was being judgemental of me… but more like she was trying to explain part of how she handled our appointment on Tuesday. Regardless… it just has been a really excruciating and exhausting mess of a situation, and I think it’s good to switch practices after we get through this.

Thanks again for everyone sharing your perspectives. It really helped with respect to the kids. They cried some tonight, but are dealing with it pretty well. I’ve emphasized the notion that we have a duty to our girl to let her go. It’s an act of love, and it’s much better than having her struggle longer in greater pain.

[Virginia_Horse_Mom]

@eightpondfarm

about children being there when the dog is put to sleep, yeah i get-that it’s important to involve children for their sake and all.

But, as usual, my thoughts toward emotional support are with the dog. It’s hard enough to be in pain. ‘It’s hard enough to sense that mum and dad are worried and upset when i’m around them.’ But top that off with a super-emotional child crying or clutching or sad-dripping all over…and that is not fair to the dog. It is the dog’s death, not the children’s death. Think of the dog first and the children next. They will have plenty of opportunities in their life to experience death first hand. But your dog will only have one death coming his/her way. Please allow that to be as gentle and loving and stressfree as possible.

Thanks. I agree. The situation at the vet on Friday needs to be about the dog. What I am trying to do in the lead up to it is about making sure the other family members who love her have a chance for some closure.

[Warmblood1]

I think you are teaching your children a critical lesson - that it’s important to give our animals a peaceful and dignified death. That we must make that choice, even though it’s very hard. Well done.

I agree with your decision 100 percent. I would even say that I don’t think the ultrasound is necessary given the severe spinal arthritis and the masses in the lungs accompanied by the difficulty breathing. But I certainly understand your husband having hesitations and coming to a compromise. I’ve euthanized 5 dogs and 1 cat in the past 4 years. I had to fight my husband on more than 1. He had good intentions, I just understood more so from a medical stand point. It is gutting every single time, even when you know you are doing the right thing. I’m sorry for your and your family’s loss, but it sounds as though your dog had a wonderful life and will have a very peaceful and soft ending. What a very fortunate dog.

[Lah0808]

@Virginia_Horse_Mom

We aren’t opting for home euthanasia as we want to cremate the dog and spread her ashes in the yard where she loved to run. She’s never been nervous for vet visits, so I am not anticipating that part of the process being hard.

I just want to note for anyone else who may not be familiar with in home services that you absolutely can have your dog cremated and their ashes returned. The service brings a very nice basket or box the appropriate size for your animal, lined with a blanket and carries them out to their car. They take them to the crematory and return the ashes to you.

It’s a white glove service in my opinion, you pay for it but my goodness is it SO much more pleasant than a trip to the vet to do this. OP is having the testing done so not applicable but if you can spare the extra expense, even if your animal isn’t scared of the vet, for me it was just such a better experience than doing it at the vet’s office. It’s not for everyone though, I get it.

[Zu_Zu]

((Hugs)) laced with support & strength for this family and their beloved dog ~ Jingles & AO ~

[Kemosabe]

I just lost a dog to a spleen mass (suspected hemangiosarcoma). He had already started to bleed internally. I stood next to the vet as he did the ultrasound (no sedation required), I saw the mass and knew…

I don’t have children, but as an outsider looking in, I think you are giving your children the most fair and compassionate understanding and experience with the death of a beloved four legged.

When I was a kid we had funeral services in our backyard for our dead goldfish as well as the beloved dogs and cats and a rabbit or two. I think my mother was very smart to let us have some kind of “ceremony”, kid-driven, where we could participate in the goodbye.

[Pep_n_Ann]

Love and hugs to you and your family. These things are always hard.
My daughter is 12, she is not an overly sensitive kid, so that makes t
hings like this easer in my house.

I would be having an on going conversation about how the dog is doing, and when it was time, just tell her that. “Spot is having more bad days than good ones, it’s time to let him go. The appointment is set for XX, do you want to come with us or stay home?”

Personally, I would not do any more diagnostics on your dog. The outcome is unlikely to change and those tests are stressful and expensive.