Pulling Horse From Friend / Trainer?

[PaintedMonkey]

As the title suggests, I am looking to possibly change trainers - which in and of itself is not a big deal - except the current trainer is one of my closest friends…

10+ years ago, I got back into horses after a hiatus for health reasons. I am no longer able to ride, but still quite enjoy having horses, specifically show horses. I got hooked up with Trainer A as they were local and we had several mutual friends, however they have since moved states. I have had at least 1 horse with Trainer A since we started together all those years ago. While the new barn owner (well, technically ex wife of owner) is a nightmare to deal with, Trainer A takes phenomenal care of the horses, works incredibly hard, and is fantastic with communication - calls, texts, pics, vids - really keeps me involved even though we are in different states. Total dream of a trainer… except is not so great at training / showing an Open level horse.

Trainer A and Trainer B are good friends. I met Trainer B several years ago and sent a horse to them a handful of years ago - at Trainer A’s recommendation - after it had been with Trainer A and I felt their progress had kinda stalled. After several months in bootcamp, Trainer B took said horse onto to win multiple titles. I have since moved one more older horse (who also had to go in several months bootcamp) from Trainer A to Trainer B, a plan we had in place a year+ before it actually happening and we were all on the same page, and also purchased a young horse specifically to have with Trainer B. All in all, Trainer B is much better at their job, but they are also not local and the communication is absolutely horrendous - I am still waiting for a progress update vid from June - and I am nowhere near as close friends with them, we don’t really hang out much at shows.

The current predicament - I found a colt I liked over the summer, called Trainer B to discuss but it took me calling/leaving messages 3 Fridays in a row for them to answer (I didn’t say specifically why I was calling). Time was ticking to make a decision, Trainer A answered the first call. So, Trainer A ended up bringing the colt home, which was fine by me, and we came up with a plan for if he doesn’t quite fit our needs after we get him started. He is currently my only horse with Trainer A, Trainer B has 3 of mine. Trainer A has sent vids, and the colt is nice. Really nice. Now I am having second thoughts on if I have him in the best program to get him trained/shown.

Should I…

… suck it up and hope for the best?
… pull horse and send to Trainer B (or other Trainer)?
… buy a different horse for Trainer A?
… sell horse?
… some other option?

Like I said, Trainer A and I are really good friends and I really enjoy hanging out with them at shows and such and would no doubt miss that if I didn’t have a horse with them, but I also want to give this nice colt a solid shot at being successful…

Any thoughts or advice appreciated!

[candyappy]

Personally I would find a trainer who is good at what they do who is local to you and move all your horses there.

I realize we all have horses for different reasons and if you can no longer ride yourself, I would think you would want to be actively involved with the ones you are having trained and shown? Having them states away makes no sense to me.

If you are friends you should be able to talk rationally to your friend and they should understand the big picture. Business is business.

[Redlei44]

It’s not clear from your post whether you have ever expressed to Trainer B how important regular updates are to you? I have seen a sincere ultimatum work in this exact situation - the trainer should have been better at communication in general but being read the riot act by a fed-up client got the trainer on track and sending updates. The caveat being that the trainer wanted to keep their business. Hopefully that would be the case in your situation as well.

But I agree that you should start looking for a third trainer that better meets your needs.

[SuzieQNutter]

As they say if you can’t choose between A and B choose C.

[Jealoushe]

No video update since June? How do you know the horses are still progressing? I mean, 6 months is inexcusable long time for no updates. Are you not worried about the horses care?

[Scribbler]

I can’t really follow the novel. In general though if you are paying for any service you need to:

1. Express your needs and expectations at the start.
2. Have regular conversations where you figure out if those expectations are being met.
3. Express your expectations again in a non-confrontational way if you feel they are not being met.
4. Switch service providers if they don’t meet your needs and expectations.

Now expectations cover a lot of ground. You need to write them down and prioritize them.

Your list may include

1. Training and showing at a certain level in a certain discipline
2. Monthly video updates to show progress
3. locally based trainer
4. Trainer who you feel comfortable socializing with and consider a friend
5. Farm where you feel comfortable visiting

What order these priorities are is really up to you. Being a nonriding absentee owner of show horses is tricky because you aren’t ever going to get on them to test things out.

Moreover, perhaps having them nearby and being able to make the barn part of your social life may be a big part of the rewards for you here. I know race horse owners love hang out around the parade to the post and winners circle even though they never hardly touch the horses. Think about why you are doing this and what you want to get out of it.

[Mango20]

If you’re good friends with Trainer A, have a talk with them about the situation, where they think it’s going, and how far they feel they can take the horse.

As far as the other three horses and Trainer B, I think I’d start looking for a new trainer to replace them.

[PaintedMonkey]

Wow! Thank you all for sharing your thoughts!

I wholeheartedly agree that it would be best to move everybody to a trainer nearby, but unfortunately that isn’t really an option at this time as the local trainers are mostly into lessons and local shows, I want to go to national shows. So short of me moving, they are going to be at a distance no matter which trainer they’re with… at least until they are retired and I can bring them home

@Scribbler Thanks for the solid advice and specific topics to think about, it really helps seeing it laid out like that! I agree that a talk about expectations, especially regarding progress update pics / vids, would be a good conversation to have. I suppose the hardest part for me there is my severe aversion to anything even slightly confrontational, but it’s obviously beyond time to address my frustration with lack of communication…

Again, much appreciation to all!

[Libby2563]

What are your goals for horse ownership? You mention several times that you really enjoy attending shows with Trainer A (even though she’s not particularly competitive?), but you also seem concerned about whether this “really nice” colt is meeting his potential.

You also clearly value your friendship with Trainer A. Do you think that taking this colt away from A would damage your friendship? Since you’ve moved multiple horses from A to B in the past it sounds like it wouldn’t, unless she’s particularly attached to this one. If you didn’t have a horse with A would you still be welcome to hang out with her at shows? Or is having your own horse showing an important part of that experience for you?

Rather than buying a new horse just to place with A, can you bring one of your other horses from B to A in exchange for sending the colt to B?

I have to admit that this whole situation is so far removed from my own experience of horse ownership (primary rider, horses at home now) that I’m not sure how useful my advice could be. (No judgment on you at all, I just couldn’t stomach all the expense and heartache if I didn’t even get to ride and interact with my horses regularly. The lack of updates from B would also be a dealbreaker for me personally.) But maybe if you can clarify, at least to yourself, what your goals are for yourself as a show horse owner and for this colt in particular, it could help you think through your options?

[PaintedMonkey]

@Libby2563 Thank you so much for the insightful reply, I appreciate it! Admittedly, the situation of having my horses away from home is definitely less than ideal and I don’t recommend it at all, but seeing as I am not physically able to ride/show anymore it just doesn’t make too much sense to keep them with me… at least until they are retired

After thinking on this for a bit, I am heavily leaning towards going with a completely different trainer - something about the “validation” of y’all saying that I am not out of bounds for asking B for a vid update or being frustrated with the lack of communication made me step back and wonder why the heck I would send them yet another horse if they are already driving me crazy (side note - B was all about returning texts / calls a few days ago when they were trying to get me to buy a horse and they even brought up sending a vid update, but is back to radio silence when I sent a followup re the vid). I feel like B is using me? taking advantage? disrespectful? and I need to let them know that it hurts and something has to change if we are going to continue together…

As far as A and maintaining the friendship, I am pretty sure we could even if it might be a lil rough at first. I guess I would just miss having an excuse to hang out at shows, but perhaps that is just me overthinking it and nothing would really change if we are as good of friends as I think we are…

Thanks to all who made it this far, I know it’s a bit of a novel Having some fellow horse people throw out ideas and talk it thru has been an immense help!

[RedHorses]

Trainer B absolutely does NOT need to know you feel hurt. You need to keep things on a business footing if you are going to continue with Trainer B. Go read Scribbler’s list again.

What level of communication do you want? Define frequency (# of times per week/month) and type (email, text, video). Decide what you want, ask for what you want now (don’t ask for once a week texts and plan to increase your demands later - that is unreasonable) and ask Trainer B if they will be able to accommodate your communication requirements (not requests, not desires, not preference - requirements). If they can’t, and offer what they can do (let them offer - at most you could ask what they can do without any suggestions of what that might be) then you can decide if that is enough. Otherwise it’s not going to work for you with Trainer B.

Keep it strictly business. Go read Scribbler’s list again (yes, again again ).

Good luck! I hope you get what you want from Trainer B.

As far as Trainer A and the new horse - does Trainer A take lessons regularly? Would you be willing to pay for regular lessons on your horse with a suitable coach? Regular could mean 1-2 times a month, or weekly, or whatever.