Returning to riding as an adult/ rebuilding confidence after a bad trainer

[tinyb]

This should probably be two separate topics, but here goes!
I grew up riding and working at an eventing barn from age 8-16. I loved everything about it, but due to financial issues I never had the opportunity to own/lease a horse and my trainers wouldn’t let me compete on the schooling horses. Competing was always a dream of mine. After an injury, I gave up riding altogether thinking I was never going to progress anyways.

Fast forward 10 years- I always wanted to return to riding and the horse world but never knew where to begin. I decided to take the leap a few months ago with a local trainer looking for a part-time groom in exchange for lessons. Part-time became full-time and I quickly realized I was being taken advantage of. Countless condescending remarks and missing lessons later, I stopped working for her.

I’ve been feeling pretty discouraged about the whole situation. Getting back into riding is hard enough as it is, feeling so incredibly weak- like my brain knows what to do but my body won’t follow, but then with a bad trainer with my first time riding again, I’m feeling pretty low. Competing and owning a horse is still a dream of mine but I have no idea where to begin. I feel so behind and like I’ve missed my window of opportunity.

Just wanted to see if anyone has dealt with something similar! Any advice is welcome to help me soldier on.

[LilDunFilly]

You’re not behind at all! We all start our horse journey at different points. I only started riding in high school; I got my own horse (a young one) during college with the intent to potentially compete later. Conversely, my best friend has been riding nearly her entire life and has owned a plethora of different horses. She’s a much better rider than me (always has been), but especially because I took a lot of time off from riding over the past few years. I have to constantly remind myself that this is fine! It’s normal. I have a lot of time to enjoy my horse journey and it isn’t a race. I have a different friend who is now in her early 40’s and got her first horse in her late 30’s. She started competing at the local level recently.

As to where to begin, find a different trainer/lesson program. Then look for a position with a trainer. I’ve worked for various barns/trainers, but all after I’d taken a lesson or two (or many) with their program. It gave me a good grasp on if I liked that atmosphere and if I ever felt taken advantage of, I just quietly bowed out (or just returned to being a student who shows up for their lesson and then leaves).

For getting a horse, start planning. I saved up for years while I was taking lessons. I set aside enough to make sure I had options for my first horse. I see so many people kinda skimp on the “first horse” budget and try to make it a cheap horse (very young/green, old, crippled, behavioral nightmare, etc.). I knew I wanted a horse with an even temperament, solid training, and a willingness to work, then budgeted accordingly. Now, that is NOT the horse I bought, but I definiately had the funds to afford it. I also made sure to set aside money for vetting, trailering, emergency fund, tack/equipment, and the first month’s board. After you have worked on your riding awhile, figured out a barn/trainer situation, and have a nice little savings, then look into actually getting your horse.

[joiedevie99]

It’s never too late. I’d start a bit smaller though. Find a barn that does basic adult lessons (probably hunter/jumper). Sign up for a weekly group lesson. Recognize that it will take time for you to get back to where you once were. You may spent lots of time in posting trot strengthening your legs. Embrace that time and try to enjoy it.

[findeight]

Goodness…what are you? 26 years old? Many never had all those young teen years of parentally assisted riding experience in a competition barn and don’t start any kind of riding until 30+. You got lots of time here, don’t panic. Many ride well into their 50s and 60s, no need to rush.

IIWY I’d concentrate on developing a career so you are not dependent on the whims of some low end trainer who cant afford to pay actual money for real help or afford insurance or state disability when ( not if) you get hurt. Fewer barns and trainers operate this way every year as costs keep going up and the hay guy and landlord or tax guy want cash, not a labor swap.

Time to control your own destiny. Have you thought about learning a trade? Getting a job that offers good benefits with a path forward to higher income? Work towards the goal of eventually riding as an enjoyable hobby. You have plenty of time.

I remember my mid 20s were tough as the reality of being a self supporting Adult really set in and required some very difficult choices between the now and the short and longer term goals.

Give it some thought, look ahead and keep moving forward, don’t get mired in the here and now. Move to change it.

There are many ways to enjoy horses and be around them besides the spendy top levels and competitions. Let the path to your goals branch out.

[2DogsFarm]

What @joiedevie99 said.

I became a re-rider in my early 30s. Rode a plethora of school horses until I got my 1st at 39.
By then I had experienced enough different horse temperaments & way of going to know what I wanted.

Go watch some lessons, get some yourself, until you feel comfortable WTC & getting over a course of small fences.
Then go to a show & listen to trainers schooling their clients.
If you can (without interfering with client/trainer interactions) ask trainer (whose style attracts you) if a lesson is possible.
And don’t hesitate to change trainers if you’re not treated with respect.

Good Luck in your search & come back here for advice.
This BB is a great resource.

[NancyM]

It can be hard to find “your people” in the industry. Even harder when you are fairly inexperienced yourself- because there are lots of charletons out there, promising you everything you want to hear but unable or unwilling to actually help you to advance your skills. But happy to take advantage of you and your blood, sweat and tears (and sometimes your cash). People who have not grown up in the industry don’t know who to trust, and who has the skill they are looking for and who doesn’t, because all the coaches/trainers claim to have this skill, but in truth, may not. And may not even know that they don’t have the skill or knowledge. Which all makes it hard for folks like you to find what you need to help you learn and advance your horsemanship and riding skills. When you are green yourself, it’s hard to have enough knowledge to know who actually has the skill and expertise they claim to have.

It sounds like you are still young, and want to learn, and aren’t afraid of doing some work. You just need to find the right people to help you advance. It’s not impossible that you can do this, but be skeptical about those you meet who promote themselves too hard. Educate yourself as well as you can, with reading books about riding and training, about horse care, about horsemanship. Try going to a competition (in whatever equine discipline you desire), and watch what goes on with the riders, coaches and horses who are there. See what trainer/coach is with which riders and horses. Watch those horses go into competition, see how they do. Not just how they place in competition, but how happy and relaxed each horse AND each rider is. See how they handle problems encountered. See how the coach/trainer helps them, watch the interactions. You will see a difference between those who are there. When you find a coach/trainer who is acting how you would like someone to interact with YOU, that’s the one you need to try, as a student in their riding program, or in a working trade off situation if you prefer (a working student). It sounds like you have already had a taste of the type of coach/trainer you are looking to avoid… that knowledge is valuable. Use it. Good luck!

[Willesdon]

I’m curious why, as a fully fledged adult, presumably with some disposable income, you went for a work-for-lessons job?

There seems to be a particularly strong myth in American horse culture about the only route to success as being a full time barn rat as as a child and teen, working one’s socks off for a (too often exploitative) trainer, competing in ever more expensive shows, a life of devotion with no deviation into other fun, normal things. The person without a horse who takes regular lessons two or three times per week seems to be deemed a lesser rider and horseman. It is, however, perfectly possible to become an effective and competent rider via regular school lessons and it gives you insight into the equestrian culture without the pain of horse ownership. Find a good trainer with lesson horses and ride as many different ones as you can. Each horse will teach you something new, something different and help you get back confidence and skills to the standard you were when younger.

One thing I have seen in my riding career is that adults learn differently from kids and re-learning to ride as an adult is a different journey. We are, sadly, not as brave, flexible or bouncy as we used to be. When looking for a trainer, try to find someone who is good at teaching adults: someone who can explain themselves clearly, has tools to solve the problems specific to you as a re-rider, can discuss your ideas, issues and ambitions as one adult to another, who has a professional, business-like attitude. It is, after all, a service industry and you are the paying customer. Avoid the shouty do-it-my-way martinet. Avoid the nutters who still happily live in a world of immature barn angst and take personal offence if you ask a question. Avoid the predators who expect you to sign in blood for the honor of being ripped off by them. So yeah, hard to find a place that feels comfortable and can offer what you need right now. In a year or two you probably will need a different trainer and a different barn.

Horses are supposed to be fun and to provide a balance in a world of family, work, responsibility…

[Libby2563]

@tinyb

Getting back into riding is hard enough as it is, feeling so incredibly weak- like my brain knows what to do but my body won’t follow

Lots of other good advice here, but maybe it would help your confidence to do some fitness work before/while you start riding again? I like the Success in the Saddle workout DVDs because each workout is only 20 minutes so it’s pretty easy to fit into daily life.

[Scribbler]

You’ve had great suggestions here.

I had my own horse as a kid in a low cost self taught environment. When I returned to riding in my 40s I signed up for lessons. I would really suggest that for all adults. Pay your way. Start with one or two lessons a week. Do whatever fitness work outside lessons that it seems you need.

When you were a teen you were in a somewhat exploitative situation but it worked for you because you had no autonomy to pay your way or become a client. There is no reason to repeat this pattern as an adult. Get yourself a job outside of horses and budget to pay for a lesson a week, and shop for a coach that you like and respect and makes you feel good. You want a coach that is good with adult beginners and returning riders. You don’t need a competition coach right now or even an eventer. You need a good solid h/j program with decent horses where you can perfect your post and 2 point and get confident in the canter and have the full attention of the coach.

Do lessons until you are really comfortable riding and know your local horse community and then you can start looking for the next step within your budget.

It’s really easy to keep repeating childhood patterns as an adult. But being an exploited working student is not a good fit for an adult. Pay your way and become a valued client.

As an adult the number one factor in owning and competing a horse is making it work in your budget. If you have the wiggle room in your income anyone can buy a horse, pay board, and eventually compete at some level. If you don’t have the cash you cannot. Then you need to find lower cost options like a half lease or self board. So a big thing for young adults who want a horse life is getting set in a career that will support that.

[Nick_of_Thyme]

I took a 10+ year break from riding to have a family. After many years of promising myself I’d get back in the saddle, I finally took the leap last fall. I don’t think I’ve stopped smiling since then. I’m part boarding an older gentleman, one free ride and one lesson a week. He’s nothing fancy, but I am having a blast. I actually connected with my old coach and I sometimes wonder which one of us is having more fun.

I think the reason my re-entry has been so successful is that I found a great fit. I’m at a quiet barn with only 13 horses. No one is trying to make the Olympics or even compete at a high level. I am riding for the pure bliss that it brings me and so there is no pressure on me to spend more, ride more, compete. It’s about being a little better than I was the ride before. All of this rambling to say that I think you need to find the right fit for you and then you will find the joy. You may not be as lucky as me and find it on the first shot, but your happy is out there. Talk to people in your area, see if you can observe lessons from a couple of different trainers and see who you gravitate to most. I’ve realized that I do really well with more of a focus on positive reinforcement, versus focusing on the things I did wrong. I am happy to be corrected when I make a wrong decision, but I improve that much faster when my coach tells me what I did right so I can try and replicate that feeling. Good luck!

[tinyb]

@findeight

Time to control your own destiny. Have you thought about learning a trade? Getting a job that offers good benefits with a path forward to higher income? Work towards the goal of eventually riding as an enjoyable hobby. You have plenty of time.

I remember my mid 20s were tough as the reality of being a self supporting Adult really set in and required some very difficult choices between the now and the short and longer term goals.

I guess I should have specified- the 10 year break included university and I have a career in marketing. Upside is I work from home and have flexible hours, which is why working part time in exchange for lessons seemed like a decent option.

I think more than the financial side of things I’m just struggling to find people I jive with.

[tinyb]

@Willesdon

I’m curious why, as a fully fledged adult, presumably with some disposable income, you went for a work-for-lessons job?

The thought of taking care of horses in addition to riding sounded nice. I learned pretty quickly that it’s hard to be respected that way, though.

[tinyb]

@Nick_of_Thyme

I took a 10+ year break from riding to have a family. After many years of promising myself I’d get back in the saddle, I finally took the leap last fall.

It makes me so happy to hear that! This is definitely the end goal. A quiet barn, a good horse, and a fun trainer.

[joiedevie99]

@tinyb

The thought of taking care of horses in addition to riding sounded nice. I learned pretty quickly that it’s hard to be respected that way, though.

Yup! It also limits your flexibility. Start out as a weekly paying client. Once you’ve landed at a barn you love with horses you love, more opportunities will present themselves if you have the skills and time.

[Alex_and_Bodie_s_Mom]

You followed almost the same trajectory I did. I did own my own horses, took lessons, and showed during my teens, but then took a break to go to college before returning to riding at 26.

You presumably know what kind of riding you want to do. I would start looking at barns in your area that give lessons in that style, then arrange for a lesson or two. Even though you have experience, you’re going to want to start out, I’m guessing, at the beginning stage again. Don’t worry, it does come back to you pretty fast.

If you already have a good career, you don’t need to be a ‘barn rat.’ Just pay for your lessons, show up, take them, move on. When you’re shopping for a good lesson barn, be sure to ask if they lease horses, or if you are allowed to show the school horses. Some barns are very much ‘show barns,’ and expect students to show; others aren’t but you can show if you want to.

Start working out, too. That will help with your riding. There are Pilates and yoga programs out there specifically designed for riders that will help develop your core and leg strength. You might want to sign up for some weight training classes at your local gym, too. Strength on the ground translates into more fitness and flexibility in the saddle.

[aregard]

@tinyb

I think more than the financial side of things I’m just struggling to find people I jive with.

That part is hard. We moved (location) and I think I spoke with 10-12 barns and took lessons at 3 or 4 before I settled in to the situation I’m happy with. You do have to look around, you do have to figure out what kind of training works for you, and you do have to be willing to change when it no longer works for you. Give the instructors a fair shake, but if it’s not working, thank them and move on.

[Scribbler]

Also you will find your community in time. First find a lesson program you like. You won’t meet many other riders until you start riding outside of lessons. You will also likely end up at several different barns before you find the one that really fits your schedule and activity level. That’s ok. It’s a journey.

[findeight]

Even if you find people you jive with and don’t get treated as “the help” getting whatever nobody else wants to get on for infrequent rides, the relationship between full paying clients and the barn is very different then that with part time barn workers who also ride. It just is.

Sometimes you are an employee following orders and subject to reprimand and sometimes you are a client who rightfully expects to be treated very differently. That line gets really blurry and leads to hurt feelings and misunderstandings on both sides. Often other full pay clients don’t see you as in their peer group as well and as a part time employee you need to really watch what you say and how you say it.

Also, even a great work for services arrangement is subject to change with little or no notice. Barns get sold or close more often every year. Trainers leave. Even if you have a written agreement and carefully track your work hours, the new BM, Trainer or BO likely will not continue it and you’ll be lucky to get anything owed to you by prior management.

It sounds great but the reality is that there are substantial pitfalls and you just cant count in it long term.

[Scribbler]

Also being a teen barn rat and an adult doing a work swap is very different. Kids sometimes get exploited of course but generally there is an understanding that they are just kids. They may not be held to the same expectations of strength and focus and that they are having a teen social life at the barn. And most people have some generosity with good kids.

As an adult you will be held to adult work standards and if it’s an inherently unfair situation it’s not as likely to be moderated by considerations of age strength or watchful parents. Also barn work as an adult is quite solitary. You’re often there at slow times.

[BatCoach]

First off - congrats for pursuing your dreams! I know it sound cheesy, but for those of us who have the horse-crazy gene, (and it sounds like you do!) you can keep coming back to horses time and time again. LOTS of adult riders had to take some time off for school or family. It may not seem like it right now, but you are following the path lots of us had to take.

My childhood riding was also limited by lack of funds and unsupportive parents, so I was really excited to get back into riding as an adult. Like you, I at first found a position as a part-time 'working student" that while not BAD didn’t really set me up for success. I learned plenty about horsekeeping, rehab and ground work, but didn’t get many hours in the saddle. I don’t regret it, but it didn’t bring me closer to my goal of owning and showing.

You have been given lots of great advice already. I will repeat the obvious. This is an EXPENSIVE lifestyle. Trainers need to make money, and sometimes that brings out some really unscrupulous practices, like over-using lesson horses, or over booking group lessons so no one gets enough attention, or jacking up lease rates. Keep an eye out for bad behaviors like this. It will take some trial and error to find ‘your village’ in the horse world. HANG IN THERE.

As others have mentioned, shop for trainers by volunteering or hanging out at a local show - being a gate steward is great since you can hear just about everything all the rail birds are saying. There is one trainer I wont go to for numerous reasons, but one is that I overheard her really disparaging a jr. rider she was teaching to another adult. Really mean stuff about a kid whose parents were paying her! No thanks - I’ll avoid that toxicity.

Its going to take awhile for your body to catch up with your brain. I 100% feel you on this frustration. Try to make yourself as fit as possible out of the saddle since that will help, but sometimes you just have to acknowledge that you are starting over and you have to grind through those beginning phases all over again. A patient instructor and lunge lessons are excellent for this

Don’t give up. Keep saving money. Keep trying different instructors. I’m sorry you had such a rough go with that bad trainer. The sad fact is that there are plenty of bad trainers out there. Don’t be afraid to ask lots of questions and screen them as you would any service provider. Don’t forget that you hold the cards here. Volunteer for your local eventing associations and increase your horse network. I’ve had lots of good opportunities come via word-of-mouth from acquaintances I had met by volunteering at shows.

If all else fails, CoTH is such a good resource. I’ve seen plenty of “looking for jumping instructor in X county” threads and people will respond with honest feedback and recommendations. Riding is hard and demanding. The vast majority of people here are really supportive and we want to see each other succeed - so don’t be afraid to ask for help