I recently had a student report an incident to me. I reported it to multiple appropriate persons.
They interrogated the student. She said that she had never claimed what I reported.
I was deemed a liar. Case closed. I had to have an absurd HR conversation, my duties were shifted to not make a predator uncomfortable.
Until 13 more students came forward, and the original girl revealed that she had lied to the officials interrogating her because she just wanted everything to go away.
I wish handling abuse was as simple as doing the right thing.
Because there is no point. People believeit is the victimâs responsibility. People know that others will not believe nasty stories about their friends, acquaintances, and family.
It is precisely that sort of âbut why not?â that is holding us back.
It would be better to ask why society is so awful that people wonât talk about this sort of abuse until it is already public than to blame victims and possible observers.
Ask how we fix society and take steps in that directionrather than pointing fingers.
Please, ask me (derisisively, of course) why I never told anyone my little friends down the street had it so much worse with their brother/cousin than I did. Please, I am sureit will be helpful for future generations. People donât talk because they catch shit when they do. Period. Stop giving people shit and maybe that will change.
If a USEF member writes disparaging remarks on social media about someone who is believed to be a victim of abuse, will USEF be able to sanction the writer if the victim never saw the post ?
I think one way we fix society is by encouraging people who have suspicions that something is wrong to report it and to support them when they do. I personally donât think itâs âpointing fingersâ to ask adults who are gossiping on a messaging board whether they ever did anything about this apparently open secret that they seem to have a lot of information about. I think itâs trying to change the culture towards an expectation of reporting. But I can understand how others may see it differently.
I do think there is a big difference in expecting children to report things versus adults. There is also a difference between witnesses who are also under the authority or influence of the abuser in some way vs witnesses who arenât.
In my job, I had someone report concerns to me. This person was a witness, not the victim of the inappropriate behavior. I was not a supervisor of this person, but was in a position of authority for the project he was working on. I reported these concerns to that personâs management who investigated. The abuser was eventually fired or quit (itâs a little unclear for HR reasons). Then, after he left, I heard from multiple people about the concerns that they had about this personâs inappropriate behaviors that they had witnessed over the years. If anyone had brought those concerns to me or to HR over the years, multiple people would have been spared harassment. There were witnesses who did not work for this person, including some who were at completely different institutions, who could have reported confidentially to HR or to me or to others in positions of authority, with no concern about consequences from this person. But they didnât. Instead they apparently gossiped and shared rumors about it. I want to know how we change that attitude so that peopleâs first thought on witnessing something inappropriate is to report it rather than to gossip about it.
If you violate a groups standards you are answerable for that misconduct no matter who sees it or doesnât see it. If itâs against the rules, itâs against the rules. What on earth would the victim seeing each post have to do with it? Does it violate standards of conduct that members acknowledged they must uphold? If yes, thatâs dispositive.
To piggyback on what Fitz said, what about the impact on other victims, who have yet to step forward, who are literally watching the publicly identified victims get DRAGGED on Facebook by some of the upper echelon people in the sport? If there are other victims of Fellers out there (itâs possible, if not out and out likely) and they see all these comments about Maggie being guilty of âentrapmentâ and calling her a âspoiled bratâ, etc etc⊠do you think those people are likely to step forward and cooperate with a SafeSport investigation? Or do you think they are more likely to sit back quietly, with their head down and mouth shut, in a totally defensive position, because theyâve already gone through abuse and they donât want to suffer bullying on social media, or in person, on top of it allâŠ
Just some food for thought.
The commentary on social media that essentially amounts to trash talking openly about these victims is sooooo damaging to the sport. If we really want these sexual abuse issues to get better, we need a cultural change about it within the sport. We canât have legendary people from the Hunter jumper community openly commenting that little girls routinely âscrew for the blueâ and act like that isnât a really sad reflection on the sport in generalâŠ
I saw it she didnât like what had been said about Shelly Fellers (who is banned for 4 years by SafeSport for failing to report the abuse), and seemed to claim that she had reported other posts about Shelly to the mods.
I guess that poster is focused on protecting Shelleyâs good name. The priorities speak for themselves
Oh, wellâŠ
No matter how much they try, no one can prevent people from posting that someone has been suspended by Safe Sport and why.
From the USEF website: Shelly Fellers 4-28-21 through 4-28-25 Abuse of process, Retaliation, Failure to report. Subject to appeal.
Itâs tough to imagine anyone being in this position, but this must be addressed. It canât be tolerated.
Didnt stop that one racist lady from spewing her garbage non stop. Then she got called out so many times, emails to USEF and she turned in her licenses thankfully.
Encouraging and pointing fingers are NOT the same thing.
Encouraging would be saying something like, there is probably still time to be heard, not why didnât you do anything.
Also, ask yourself if there is such a big difference between adults and children reporting, then why are there so many adult women who do not report their own abuse let alone suspected abuse of others? There is not a big difference. We are STILL a society caught up in blaming women.
Ask yourself why someone like me, reasonably intelligent, literate, verbal, forthright, would wait until their 30s to say anything about their childhood abuse. Ask why it would take another 20 years to finally leave the situation for good.
Quit blaming victims. Start fixing society so that victims can come forward and potential abusers are scared shitless to act on their desires.
As to changing the attitude, it could start in our very own HR departments where it would be a clear issue and people would be fired for abuse and not politely asked for their resignation and be damned protecting the name of the company and the name of the perpetrator. Money and image shouldnât trump victimâs rights to a safe workplace/life but everyone knows they do so almost no-one comes forward.
I am sorry you think I am victim blaming. That was certainly not my intent, as I was referring to witnesses. I also tried to caveat with reasons why witnesses might not come forward, but obviously I missed some.
However, I am witness blaming, and you are right that is likely not productive.
Instead I will say that I am very glad that witnesses to Rich Fellersâ behavior reported to SafeSport. I hope seeing that it did make a difference will encourage other witnesses to come forward in the future.
THIS. People in general are quick to condemn this abuse in general terms, but slow to condemn the societal circumstances that allow abusers to continue to live, work, and move amongst us.
Peopleâs attitudes are a huge factor. Itâs easy to have an attitude that sexual predators are the scum of the earth, when talking about predators in the abstract. But when we start talking about KNOWN, SPECIFIC predators? For example, a beloved family friend, God forbid⊠an actual family member, or⊠in this case⊠a long time figure in sport, a friendly well liked guy, an Olympian and WEG participant, a man who is also a husband and father?
Hmmm⊠well⊠once we get specific like that, peopleâs attitudes about the sexual predator in question quickly shift. Equivocations, explanations, mitigating factors, etc, all start entering the discussion. Because excommunicating people who you have known and liked from your immediate social/professional/family circle⊠and polite society in general? Itâs actually a very big deal. And very hard.
The reality is, if people choose to start down the road of making excuses, discussing mitigating factors, talking about âtwo sides to a story,â etc etc⊠and, in general, casting just that little bit of doubt on the seriousness and validity of the victimâs allegationsâŠ
Well⊠all that brings to bear a TON of pressure on victims. Victims know the consequences for not only their abuser, but for everyone connected to the abuser who knows and loves the abuser, if sexual abuse allegations come to the forefront. The consequences for all these connected people can be a truly weighty thing for victims to come to terms with. They donât want the revelation to hurt all these connected people. But it inevitably will. So⊠many many victims choose to stay quiet for years and years. To try and distance themselves from the abuse and abuser, and just go forward with their lives. Our society is such that we reward this choice, in some key ways. We often talk in pejorative terms about young women who âcreate dramaâ in their social circles or workplaces. Etc, etc. Young men who sleep around casually? That is still widely considered just part of being a young man with raging hormones. Young women who do the same? It is still frowned upon and considered a mark of low character. Young women who are taken advantage of by MUCH older men? In situations that go RIGHT up to the line when it comes to things like the age of consent? Well, society, and DEFINITELY our sport, still routinely conflate these situations with the situation of a young woman having raging hormones and an active sex life with more than one steady partner.
These are all reasons victims STILL remain silent. People need to be more responsible and caring and thoughtful with their comments in the wake of these cases. Victim blaming is actually a very slippery slope and sometimes subtle and subconscious. And as you ( @sascha ) said in an earlier post⊠itâs just so much easier for everyone to just deal with allegations by believing that the victim somehow mistook or exaggerated circumstances, and that the abuser made a poor decision⊠but not THAT bad or monstrous of a decision, and that it really is ok for everyone involved to just kinda âmemory holeâ the entire allegation, stay quiet about it all, and just go forward with life.
We need to stop buying into the idea that âmemory holingâ past sexual abuse is actually an acceptable way of dealing with it as a society or sport. This particular case demonstrates why. For the better part of the last few years, MANY people in the upper echelons of the jumpers advocated FIERCELY that the past behavior of people like Jimmy Williams and Rob Gage during the 1970âs and early 1980âs should just be âmemory holedâ ⊠because it was a different era, and in the current era, social mores are different, and people were really just making too big a deal about all of it. Ann and her friends were stirring up drama by talking about the past to the NYT. Etc etc etc. These discussions and debates happened OPENLY, while SafeSport came out, SafeSport training happened, and everyone competing in organized sport dutifully completed their SafeSport training, and agreed to abide by the rules and regulations. Including Rich and Shelly Fellers.
But guess what? Maggie, SafeSport, law enforcement and a Grand Jury now all say that more of the same awful conduct was happening behind closed doors.
Soooo, just a thought, but perhaps there needs to be MORE leadership and clarity that this behavior (the sexual abuse) is unacceptable⊠period. End of subject. No equivocating, conflating, or minimizing. Itâs really bad, and the abusers and their allies/defenders are the people who should bear the weight of societal pressure and consequences from here on out. Because social pressure actually IS a very real and powerful thing.
Oh. And one more thing. That whole âmemory holingâ dynamic when it comes to profound sexual abuse in our sport, most especially amongst the upper level jumping community ? Well⊠someone PUBLICLY posted a photo of Jimmy Williams on social media, to celebrate what would have been his 104th birthday, if he was still alive, back in May.
That post received 318 reactions- mostly likes, loves, and that hug emoji thing. And 62 comments, mostly talking about what a great horseman he was, and fond memories of riding with him, meeting him, watching him compete back in the good old days, etc.
This is all public. People are reacting and commenting using their FB accounts with their first and last names. More than one person who reacted is a well known pro in the sport. Current USEF members. Many currently coach juniors.
Huh. Thatâs interesting. That means they have all completed their SafeSport training. And though their decision to publicly celebrate the life and memory of a coach who serially molested young girls is technically not in violation of the SafeSport code⊠it sure does make a reasonable person wonder if these people REALLY are on board with the whole idea that the sexual abuse of minor athletes and vulnerable young adults in sport is actually a serious problem, and unacceptableâŠ
And if I am wondering that, perhaps someone currently involved in sport and currently experiencing abuse who saw this very public post on social media is ALSO wondering whether or not people in our sport really are on board with SafeSport, and whether it really is a âsafeâ to step forward and report abuse, and whether they REALLY will be supported if they do soâŠ
I donât blame victims for having doubts when so many people in the sport proudly and publicly have declared themselves loyal lifetime fans of Jimmy and George.
From where Iâm sitting, off on the sidelines, just observing, it seems like these people donât really give a shit that multiple people were abused by Jimmy Williams (much less George) as children. They clearly care that he was a gifted horsemen. But it seems like they either outright disbelieve the many victims who have stepped forward, or they have consciously chosen to âmemory holeâ the whole child abuse thing. Both choices are their right⊠they can âloveâ either of these guys if they want. But itâs pretty striking that so many people linked to the sport (both past and present) have made these sorts of choices.
The same thing is happening with Rob Gage. Someone posted the following on Hunters/Jumpers of the 70s & 80s just a few days ago:
âTo the many friends of Rob, the second anniversary of his passing is this Saturday, June 12th. This year, we would like to do the same thing we did last year which is to flood Facebook with photos and memories of him. Please start thinking of how you would like to honor Rob and keep his memory alive. When you post, please tag Robert Gage and Rob Gage Memorial. I will send out a reminder on Friday. Thank you all!â
What a slap in the face to his victims. Disgusting.
