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Riding After Kids

Off Course
#22

My children are grown now but I did not give up riding for the purpose of or due to the fact that I had children - except for 2 weeks around the birth of my first and three months for the birth of my second (got too big and uncomfortable after my 6th month of pregnancy with my son). With the exception of college, vet school, internship and the first 2 years of practice I have always had my horses at home (growing up and then from my 3rd year of practice to now and I’ve been practicing for 32 years). I planned on having (giving birth to) my kids around show season and the horses I had at the time. I built and pursued my breeding program with my kids in tow. My children while very young were used to being in back packs while I held my horses for the farrier, used to entertaining themselves in the play pen when I rode during the day, and I made sure I had a lighted arena on every property I owned so that I could ride at night while my children’s father watched them. This was discussed and agreed upon between my former spouse and I before we had kids and continued while my kids grew up. I worked full-time and paid for my endeavors. I earned my bronze and silver on horses I trained and showed…again with my kids in tow, and once they were old enough they were showing too. This along with other ‘issues’ took a toll on my marriage; but, my kids and I have developed a strong bond as a result of their exposure to and involvement with ME and MY horses…LOL…the kids eventually did earn and still have their own horses.

I have never been without a horse. My goals of riding, showing and training continue now that I’m in my late 50’s. I have no regrets and though my kids did complain about the amount of time I was away from them due to work they didn’t really ever complain about my time spent with the horses. I can honestly say both of my children are responsible, decent and caring adults with a hard work ethic (their employers have been more than forthcoming on that topic) that I think they developed as a result of growing up on a working horse ranch as well as being drug along to my work to help fill in when I was low on staff. I will repeat that I have no regrets even knowing that my choices contributed to the dissolution of my marriage. I am financially comfortable due to MY work and My management of my earnings. I still work full-time and will likely continue to do so at least until 65 or more because I am also financially responsible for and take care of my elderly mother. The point is, that you can make it work though you will always have to make choices and constantly juggle all the facets of your life. My ‘horse addiction’ has morphed into now just having 4 horses (1 retired and 3 I am riding, no more breeding but still showing) which is right for me at my stage in life. I always have made and continue to make just about every decision based on the fact that I am addicted to horses and riding. If that makes me selfish, so-be-it. My children have turned out okay and they seem to be comfortable with my choices.

2 Likes
#23

I’ll start off by saying that I don’t have kids.

Based on friends and family with kids, coworkers, and my own situation I would guess that you already have a sense of whether you’ll be able to ride and how often.

You’ll meet people who have the support, the finances, and the will to continue riding as much as they want.
You’ll meet people who have to give it up for varying amounts of time for one reason or another.
And you’ll meet people who want to give it up once they have kids.
Only you know which situation you might fall into.

My SIL is one of those people who didn’t have any hobbies before kids, life completely revolves around kids, and thinks that no one else could possibly be as busy as she is. If you asked her? She would tell you that there is absolutely no way that you could have horses in your life after having a baby.

Old coworker who had a baby in July is similar. No hobbies. Loves her time with the baby so much that she gave up her full time job for a part time position (helps that her hubby just got a raise).

I can’t relate to either of them. I don’t have kids and am already juggling a million things. SO runs his own electrical company so he works long, somewhat unpredictable hours. He has hobbies as well. Kids would mean that we would both have to make significant changes to how we use our time. Our families live over an hour away. We would have to look at our finances as well, childcare is expensive.
The only way that I would be able to continue riding would be if SO really stepped up to the plate and was ok with being home alone with baby most evenings. I doubt I would be able to afford to lesson, clinic, or show anymore though.

Saying that, a barn friend just had a baby in January. She comes out and lessons once a week. Her horse is quiet enough that our trainer can use him in a couple lessons every week to keep him in shape and reduce her costs. She’s hoping to make it to one or two shows this summer. She’s happy with her situation. But she was never someone who was at the barn 5-6 days/wk anyway. And her mom lives with them.

Basically what I am saying is there are a million different scenarios. Some are amenable to riding consistently. Others may require large sacrifices. And others may not work at all.

3 Likes
#24

You’re going to hate this answer, but you can’t know for sure how kids are going to affect your riding life until after you have them. It’s just one of the many uncertainties of life and being a parent. Your desire and ability to ride post-children depends on so many different factors that you can’t predict in advance.

One of those, for me, was the nature of the baby. Some babies/toddlers make greater demands, emotionally and physically, on you than others and you generally can’t know that in advance.

There are, however, some factors that improve the likelihood of you being able to continue to ride and keep a horse.

  1. A supportive spouse.
  2. A solid support circle - grandparents, friends, other relatives who are willing and able to babysit or do other things to help you free up time for riding.
  3. Money. Money to hire help to do whatever you need done so you can ride. That might be full board, so all you have to do is go to the barn and ride or it might be help around the house/yard/farm or babysitting.
  4. Working part-time or not at all.

And I know some of you are probably going to take issue with my #4. All I can say is that my personal experience plus that of friends supports it.

5 Likes
#25

My kids are now 10 and 12, so I feel like I’ve been through many of the stages.

I stopped riding when I was about 3 months pregnant with my first. I was scared to fall (my horse was green).

After baby #1, I didn’t return to riding.

Baby #2 came 2.5 years later. I still didn’t return to riding.

When the second baby was about two, I finally felt like I could break away without fretting every second. I’ve been riding ever since. But here’s what they don’t tell you…

The mom guilt is REAL and it doesn’t get any easier as they get older. My kids don’t want to ride, so I leave them behind on the 3-4 days a week I can weasel in barn time. “Hanging out at the barn” is an impossibility. My barn time is almost always rushed. Shows are out of the question, really. I won’t get to do much of that for another few years still.

In sum, I wouldn’t change the path I chose. I adore my kids. But it’s not easy; and it hasn’t gotten easier as they’ve gotten older. Secretly I look forward to the day they’re independent so I can chase my dreams again. When I’m blue, I plan my retirement winters in Ocala inside my head :).

2 Likes
#26

All of those factors have been what has made us push it off this long.

And I feel like 3 and 4 don’t work together in my head. I’m not lucky enough to have a husband who makes a ton of money. I’m sure that not working full-time would free up that time to ride, but unfortunately I don’t see it in the cards right now.

I do at least have 1 and 2. Of that I am confident. And I have a job where I can pick my own hours (even though that is still full-time, I think it would help).

But you’re right that I won’t know until it’s happening. And I do hate that answer.

1 Like
#27

OP, I connect so deeply to this post and I’m so thankful you put it on the board and to everyone who’s responded. The push and pull between how much you’ll have to give up of yourself and your passion vs what you’ll be gaining by growing a family …it’s real. I also happen to have bought an incredible, dream come true mare a few years ago that I truly want to train and compete and I struggle so much with whether having kids will mean I miss out on that… thank you for posting. PM me if you want to commiserate more!

2 Likes
#28

My son is 1 year old. I have ridden three times since he was born.

Some of the things preventing me include a full time job, 5 horses at home, a long commute because of covid childcare arrangements, and marital/life stressors.

I also don’t think you can even remotely understand what your life will be like until you are living it. Babies don’t follow the rules. :rofl:

This isn’t said to discourage you. Even with as hard as this year has been, I am so grateful for my son and my life now. But I’m still trying to balance this new normal.

1 Like
#29

This thread has also reminded me of my own childhood. I’ve thanked my mom countless times for spending every evening for at least a decade driving my sister and I to our extracurriculars. Riding, swimming lessons, music, track, cross country running, nordic skiing, driving us two hours away to go snowboarding every weekend and sitting in the car reading a book because she didn’t feel like paying to ski by herself. Then spending every weekend in the summer at horse shows. My parents ended up selling the cottage because it never got used.

Or my MIL who spent 8 years driving SO to practices and hockey games all over the province, he was usually playing for multiple teams at once, so sometimes that meant playing one game in one city, and then driving several hours to play another game in another city.

My mom didn’t work outside of doing some bookkeeping for the family business, so she still had time for her own hobbies.
MIL worked full time and never got back into any of the things that she gave up.

Not to discourage you, just something else to consider.

On the other hand, your horse probably doesn’t care if you ever ride again. As long as you still show up with treats!

2 Likes
#30

Children, like horses, are rarely the same in real life as they are in the manuals. And both are notorious for taking your carefully crafted Master Life Plan and stomping the bejeezus out of it. I say that not to scare you, but to give you absolution when (not if) things go in a different direction than you thought you wanted.

I was in a horseless period when my kids were tiny, so I can’t speak directly to when to get back in the saddle and the coordination of nap time with ride time (except to say that any time I really needed my kids to nap at a certain time, they didn’t). But one of the reasons I didn’t get back into horses then was because after working a full day, the last thing I wanted to do was be away from them for another 3 hours, or miss out on weekend time with them. For some, that parental pull can be powerful. (And some feel differently, and that’s OK too.)

Now we’re in a phase where I, as the default parent, (look up that term and have some serious, continuing conversations with your spouse) need to plan my riding around sports practices and games, after-school activities, homework help, birthday parties, etc. I can make it work, but it takes planning and commitment, not to mention a re-adjustment of expectations. I can ride 2-3 times a week. More than that, and the wheels start to come off the bus. (And more than that, and the college savings funds start to suffer.)

Life is long. What works at one point may not work at another, and that’s OK. Don’t feel like you need to provide all the answers all at once. Listen to yourself, your spouse (if applicable), your kids and your horse. And know that every parent around you is muddling through, hoping they’re doing enough in all the different aspects of their lives.

5 Likes
#31

Never in a million years did I think I would want to be a stay at home mom. I mean, so many women hold down careers with kids. My career is part of my identify, plus it allows me to keep my horses.

But boy oh boy did having a child change everything. I would give just about anything to be able to stay at home with my son. Of course, the one thing I won’t give up are my horses, who are aged and would be difficult to place in another situation. If I had salable young horses I might think differently.

1 Like
#32

If it’s any encouragement, once my kids finished their educations and left home I was able to start riding seriously again, after having just piddled around at home and on local short trails for years. I miraculously discovered all kinds of spare time and extra money. :grinning:

And, I’ve started saying, wouldn’t it be fun to go to Ocala to WEC for a few weeks next winter?

5 Likes
#33

We waited as long as we felt like we could! Then it took a little while longer to get pregnant. I’m now 28 weeks along, due in June. I really dislike being pregnant, and I haven’t even had the worst of it in terms of symptoms.

I’m taking a lot less risks, but still riding. Horse is in full training, and trainer has been incredibly supportive - warming him up for me if he comes out hot, etc. Trainer will show him, at least the first half of the season. My plan is to continue my normal schedule after I stop riding - I’ll just be watching his training rides instead.

Once baby arrives, it will be a combination of DH being on baby duty in the mornings before he starts work while I ride, and hiring a nanny. I’m very fortunate to get 18 weeks off work, so I’m hoping that will be enough time to get settled in a new routine.

3 Likes
#34

I am really feeling your posts. Like I said up thread I’m not a parent, but I do agree that being able to set your own hours would be to your advantage. If you could ride during daycare hours and then make up the work hours in the evenings or weekends that would seem reasonable.

The unknown is certainly unsettling. All kinds of things could happen! Your kid could never sleep at night until he/she is a year old! Kid could hate going to Grandmas house. The care at the daycare could be a nightmare. All kinds of stuff. Kinda like having a horse, sh!t happens. But you’ll get through it if you need to!

1 Like
#35

Here’s a POV from a recreational rider and horse owner who wasn’t sure she saw kids in her future.

Decided to take the plunge and start a family after all, and soon welcomed Child #1. Time at the barn was lessened, and although I was riding my gelding recreationally (as had always been the case), I always felt a pull to be home (the FOMO was very real).

Child #2 came along three years later, and I found horse ownership to be too overwhelming (and too costly for the number of times I was making it out to the barn). So much so that I ended up rehoming my gelding which was HARD, emotionally.

Two years ago, when my youngest was 3, I ended up acquiring a miniature horse as I was really missing barn time but wasn’t sure I wanted to get back into riding again (although I also now share a part-board of a wonderful schoolmaster gelding with my oldest, who’s now 8, so go figure!).

To speak to OfCourseItsAnAlter’s last point, though, we’ve been in a fairly good position financially which has only improved over the years as my partner has advanced at work. So I’ve been lucky enough to stay home with both my kids - doing some on/off part-time contract, work from home stuff - which allows me the opportunity to squeeze-in a bit of barn time (and run errands) during the day while the kids are at school. But unfortunately, our finances won’t stretch to afford anything more than what we’ve already committed to, horse-wise.

Personally I found it tough - and still do - to tear myself away from my family on the weekends or in the evenings, especially in the colder darker months, to head out to the barn. And as our kids get older, we’ll have more extracurriculars to run them to on weeknights which would make carving out barn time even more challenging.

It is whatever you make it, though! The last barn we boarded at, there was a fellow boarder who was also a new mom and she would bring out her infant daughter and wear her in a sling as she handled/lunged her horse. NBD. I was always only ever a casual recreational rider though - so for me, taking a “step back” essentially took me out of the barn altogether. For someone more committed to or serious about their riding, maybe a “step back” takes them from competing to “recreational rider” status. Does that make any sense?

So as long as you’re willing to accept some uncertainty about how long it’ll take to find your (barn) groove again, you’ll have nothing to worry about :slight_smile:

1 Like
#36

A long time ago, I read some advice on here that said, “when you have kids, you have 2 options. You can radically change your life to fit your kids lifestyle or you can raise your kid to fit your lifestyle.” My husband and I went with option 2. Which is how we were both raised and I personally think is healthier because it teaches your kids that the world does not revolve around their wants and needs.

I am blessed to be living in Canada and on month 9 of a year long mat leave. I’ve been riding 4-5 days a week for a few weeks now. Didn’t ride much over winter due to weather and bad footing. I ride when baby naps. My husband is a fantastic father who does not begrudge my riding at all but he works away a week at a time so I use nap time regardless of where he is.

I make riding a priority. I happily skip past dishes, laundry and the vacuum to go outside and ride. I figure no one on their death bed has ever wished they kept their kitchen cleaner.

We also keep our horses at home which makes things easier because of the 2 second commute time. Basically from the time baby was born, I decided we’d just make it work. Baby sits in one of my extra wheelbarrows with a horse blanket for cushion while I clean pen. He gets carted around in backpack carrier to hold horses for farrier or do other yard work. He’s sat in stroller while my husband and I have fixed fence or cleaned up fallen trees. I am quite ok with being outside with monitor while he naps but not everyone is.

When I go back to work, things will be more difficult but due to lack of child care, I will be working at home a few days a week anyways. My office is very flexible so if I run out to ride during afternoon and make it up later, that will be totally fine. Obviously not everyone has that luxury. I don’t have it in me to be a stay at home mom. I love my time on mat leave but I miss the professional part of myself.

Don’t let yourself feel guilty or selfish over having a hobby. No one would have ever asked if my husband was going to give up golf when the baby arrived and I know he doesn’t feel guilty when he’s out on the course. Riding is a huge mental break for me. When I come inside after a ride, I feel reset like I can tackle whatever is coming. Which is very important when you’re a single parent 50% of the time.

We have been very lucky because we’ve had an exceptionally easy baby. He’s a great sleeper which helps so much. The advice I’ve been giving my friends is to not have any expectations. You’ll just end up disappointed.

8 Likes
#37

Yeah, I’m not going to be that mom. I can tell you that already. My parents weren’t either, and my mom stayed at home.

My mom would haul me to only a few shows each year. My parents only came to home soccer games and didn’t do the away ones. And we were for sure not allowed to participate in anything that was regularly hours away. And I respect them so much for that. And I also never felt like I wasn’t supported in my pursuits.

But you’re definitely right on the horses not caring! They’d happily be semi-feral for a while.

#38

Oh, I think in theory I’d love being a stay-at-home mom. I have a good job and care about doing a good job, but I’m not that career-minded.

But, my income pays for my horses and our savings. Both are things I’m not currently willing to give up. And without the second income, we’d have to live always worried about money.

#39

This. My husband also has a time intensive (and expensive…albeit not as expensive) hobby of competing in Iron Man races. Nobody ever once mentioned whether the baby’s arrival would compromise that hobby. It really irks me that women are guilted or questioned about maintaining their pre-mom life in any way and yet with fathers it’s just assumed they will continue almost untouched by baby’s arrival.

10 Likes
#40

I’m a mom that didn’t ride until after I had a kid. Kid became horse obsessed and I ended spending so much time at the barn I got a pony of my own… that my now teenager schools for me. My kid has become my trainer haha.

It’s hard at first no matter what you end up doing but having kids is both exhausting and lots of fun. If horses take a back seat for a few years it doesnt mean forever. That time will go so quickly.

Anyways, think about all the possibilities with the long game with kids! I never rode before and now we own 2 horses. Hoping she ends up in vet school so I have my vet bills covered in the future :wink:

4 Likes
#41

Really? I bet his teammates/tri friends did. That’s a very time consuming hobby that doesn’t match well with lack of sleep, even if you have a supportive spouse! One of my teammates has a 9 month old and his training is sporadic, at best. He may race a sprint here or there but long distance is off his calendar for now.

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