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Riding: Having two children vs one

Off Course
#1

So, had a baby 6 months ago, been able to ride a little bit here and there but not consistently. That’s fine, that’s what I expected. I swore up and down I wasn’t having another kid for like 5 years, if we had one at all. I can sort of “do stuff” with one kid (maybe even get back to competing when he gets a little bigger); two seems impossible - I’d be fully submerged in ‘mummy mode’ for the next 5ish years.

But, like a switch has been flicked, suddenly I’m seriously considering a second. ASAP. I can totally picture having two little buttons running around together. I can see all the pros for having them close together - condense the years of no sleep (kid #1 still has yet to ever fall asleep on his own - why go through several years of this on two separate occasions??), having them roughly at the same stage (toddler, primary school, high school etc) would probably be easier. Whatever. There’s plenty of pros and cons on both sides.

So what have your experiences been? Is it a huge change from one to two? Or is none to one the biggest shock and the rest is a wash? What did you decide and how did it work for you? And most importantly :smiley: - how much RIDING TIME and competing have you managed?

#2

I have no personal experience, no kids yet, and even then I only plan on one. BUT I was actually talking with my friends about this the other day- they both have children. They all said to do two close together for the reasons you listed. My one friend got unexpectedly pregnant after the first, she hadn’t been planning on it. At first she was overwhelmed, but now the kids are 4 and 2.5 and she says she wouldn’t have it any other way. My other friend has 4 years between kids and regretted it- not the kids, just spacing them so far apart

#3

I have three children. First two are 21 months apart. Numbers 2 and 3 are almost 3 years apart. A LOT depends on their individual personality. Thankfully, for my Sanity #2 was a quiet, pretty well behaved female child. #'s 1 and 3 were boys. Very active Boys. I survived, they survived. My horses had a lot of time off. They didn’t care, and quickly adjusted to children in their life and pasture. Once #3 hit school full time, I started riding regularly again.

Something I like to tell prospective parents. You only have 2 hands. Think of how many times your current child needs 2 hands. Now add another kid to that.

That said, all three of my kids are wonderful productive adult members of society, that I love beyond belief. I’d even give up horses for them, but I’m thankful I have never had to. :slight_smile:

#4

Can only speak from the perspective of having been a closely-spaced-sibling (no kids of my own) and it was really cool to have siblings as friends, all of us going through the same stuff at (roughly) the same time. Mr HH was 5 yrs apart from his sister and they were always at such different stages that they couldn’t relate much.

If you really want a 2nd, then I’d lean towards doing sooner rather than later. Concentrate your “can’t do much of anything for myself” phase instead of getting through it with child #1, and then going back into it again.

#5

I don’t have kids, but one of my really great friends and barn-mate has 2 young boys, and another girl has 2 boys the same age.

My friend has a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old. She also has two horses. She hasn’t ridden since before the kids (granted, her horse is retired). She is also a stay-at-home mom, and she feeds our old men lunch every day (her horse is co-dependant and won’t do anything without mine). Her boys are great at the barn, but they require a lot of attention. It’s very tough on her when she is alone. She often will bring her mom to watch the boys, so she can groom her guy in peace. I’ve offered several times to have her ride one of mine, but she’s worried that if she falls and gets hurt, nobody will be able to watch the kids full time. She doesn’t regret her kids though, and they just got pony of their own!

My other friend also has a 2 yr old and a 4 yr old. They don’t come to the barn often, since she has child care at home (in-laws!). She has three horses, and generally is out there most days to ride. It’s impressive, but there is no way she could ride with the boys around, or with no child care.

On the other hand, there was a girl who used to board with us. She accidentally got pregnant, and her husband was overjoyed, so they kept it. She was DEVASTATED. She didn’t ride during her pregnancy (super crazy OTTB), but the first time she got on after the baby, he freaked out, and she ended up falling and breaking her femur. She rode a few times when she was healed, but she was SO worried about getting hurt again, and said she just never had the time to devote to her horse anymore. She really regretted the kid, and it made me really sad for her. Ended up selling her horse and quitting riding.

In terms of age, my sister has 3 kids, each 2 years apart. They were all really close growing up (the youngest is almost 17!), and still are. My sister loved having that age gap.

#6

I can only tell you, having kids further than 3 years apart is a drag. My sister and I were 4 years apart, I don’t think we had much in common.
You go past that, you have a whole new set of problems to deal with, like kids having to be different places at the same time.
(my friend has 4, ranging from early 20s to 7 years old…she is BUSY!!!)

As to ride time, it depends on your support system.
If you are ‘woman’ and get pressured to be done with riding and do kids exclusively, you are screwed.

If you have considerate family and friends, or the financial means to hire baby sitters, there is no reason not to ride and show.

As for the sleeping part, I think it’s rather unnatural to stick the infant into a separate room. No other species does that (ok, species with young that dependent.)

#7

I have an almost 4 year old son and a 6 month old daughter. I’m riding now more than when I only had one kid, but it just depends on so many factors. Do you have extended family help? Does your spouse do his share of parenting and household tasks? Are you also working, and if so, do you work long hours and/or have a long commute to work or the barn? Does the baby sleep so you have energy to ride? Do you have reliable child care? Do your kids’ temperaments and your boarding situation lend themselves to them playing quietly in a pack n play or stroller while you ride? And if so, is there someone around in case you fall off? Can your horse handle a bit of an erratic work schedule? Is there someone who can ride for you in a pinch to minimize schedule interruptions? Is money tight or is there some flexibility to deal with the unexpected (like someone to exercise your horse for you periodically or extra child care)?

I’m able to ride consistently now because my son is in preschool in the mornings and I found a great sitter for my daughter. It’s always in flux though. I was all set up this summer with a teenager at the barn to watch DD in the stroller while I rode (I didn’t want her out of my sight), and DS in summer camp. But DS got kicked out of summer camp after two weeks for being unruly, which left me scrambling. I did a lot of getting up bright and early to ride at 7am so DH could watch the kids before work. And my parents visited for most of August, which was great. My babysitter is pregnant and due in February, so I’m starting to think about what I will do when I lose her.

In the midst of my ever-shifting childcare situation this summer, I realized my young horse is a terrible fit for me right now - he needs way more energy and consistency than I can muster - so I will be selling him. I’m bringing my older guy out of semi-retirement, so I won’t be competing (he’s serviceable sound for w/t/c and some jumping, but not for serious dressage or jumping). At least I can relax and enjoy my horse time for now.

I don’t know if that really answers your question about age spacing. I think there are pros and cons to any age difference. You can try for the ideal, but it’s all always in flux anyway.

#8

My boys are 18 months apart. I was happy to have them close together and before I was 30. They have gone through most stages together which does make it easier. Until now, lol.

Now they are 18 and 16. And I am looking at 6 years of college bills. This year alone was $8000 just for one.

I’m trying a good old horse person trick. Just pay for it and don’t add it all up. So I don’t scare myself too badly.

ETA. I had to give up horses for a few years. But I still managed to own 8 horses over the years.

#9

My sons are 2 minutes apart. I ended up selling my horse. But that’s not really your situation - Unless you have twins the second time around :eek: You’re not close to 35 are you??? :lol:

I loved having kids and did not mind giving up horses for a while.

#10

My sister had one child, then had 2 more close together about 6 years later. She said having them close together was much better than spacing them out, for many reasons. One of which was that if you’re doing diapers on one, it’s not so tough to just flow right on into diapers for the next, but going back to doing diapers after having been away from it is hell. :lol:

However, as a friend once said, the increase in effort involved in having additional children is exponential, not additive.

#11

[QUOTE=Alagirl;8931749]
As to ride time, it depends on your support system.
If you are ‘woman’ and get pressured to be done with riding and do kids exclusively, you are screwed.

If you have considerate family and friends, or the financial means to hire baby sitters, there is no reason not to ride and show.[/QUOTE]
Hmm, I have a good husband, supportive of the horses, who is a good father and probably does more housework than I do. I don’t have a lot of family nearby but do have friends I could ask on the ODD occasion… I think I just need to suck it up and pay for a more regular babysitter. My little is not one to sleep sweetly in his pram while I ride haha.

Fear not, he actually sleeps in my bed for most of the night, let alone the same room. Starts out in the cot (6-7pm) until his first or second wake up (~8-11pm) when I go to bed and take him with me. He’s slept for 6 hours in a row ONCE, other than that 3ish hours has been the max. We never leave him to cry, just not the route we want to go. He’s just little, and it won’t be forever (…right? Lol).

[QUOTE=oldernewbie;8931836]My sons are 2 minutes apart. I ended up selling my horse. But that’s not really your situation - Unless you have twins the second time around :eek: You’re not close to 35 are you??? :lol:

I loved having kids and did not mind giving up horses for a while.[/QUOTE]
Ha! Dear lord. I so very much wanted twins the first time round! I figured it would be super super hard for a little bit but then I’d be DONE! I’m kinda relieved now though ;). Kudos to you! I’m 30 so not far but not too close.

#12

Mom of 2 here, spaced 3 years 4 months apart. If I had to do it over I would have spaced them a little closer, but it took a while to convince Mr. MO because our first had horrendous reflux (as in, get some Holy water, a young priest and an old priest) and was extremely colicky.

I have a supportive husband but he works a lot of hours. I rode in spurts when they were little. Keeping a horse in full training allowed me to ride the most. I thought that once they were both in school I’d ride more, but my shifts vary and it didn’t really pan out the way I had hoped. If you work while they’re in school, you’re not going to want to pass them off onto a babysitter when you get home. I did (and still do) miss riding consistently, but it really is true, they’re only little once and being a mother is your most important job. Magazines, facebook and TV try to convince us (and cause us to pressure ourselves to think) that we can have it all (healthy marriage, successful career, kids, fitness, emotional and physical health and hobbies) but it is not true. It’s like they say when building a house: on time, on budget, quality work…pick two. Many people do find a balance that works for them, but make no mistake, sacrifices are definitely made in order to make that happen.

Whenever I’ve heard people talk about regrets, I’ve never once heard anyone say they regret having children. And tons of women have pasture pets during their mothering years, and are then able to take up riding again.

Oh, and yes, it is a huge change from one to 2. The work somehow more than doubles with 2 kids. It’s easier to find someone competent enough to babysit one. Babysitters who can reliably (and willingly!) wrangle 2 small children is harder and more expensive. Also, with one you still get free time. Often with 2 I would have one and my husband would have the other (like if I made a quick trip to the grocery store or was running errands). With 2 there was no alone time until my husband and I took a trip to Jamaica last year (kids were 6 and 9 at the time). We were both shocked at how fast we were up, showered and dressed. We had so much free time on our hands we couldn’t believe it! Of course by day 4 we were missing them terribly and ready to go home early, but it is amazing how much time and energy good parenting requires.

I was almost insane enough to want a third but then my husband and I got guardianship of two teenagers in addition to our two little ones 5 years ago and that cured me. :lol:

#13

I have two children, 2.5 years apart. As far as the spacing of them goes, it was just about perfect for me. Except for when I had two of them in college at the same time - that was painful.

As far as riding goes, when my kids were small I just didn’t. In fact, I gave up riding for quite a few years due to time and money constraints. However, that was my experience, and quite a few of my friends never got out of horses when their kids were small.

Here’s the thing. I love, love, love my horses and riding. But I love my children more. So very much more. Having them was the best thing I ever did, bar none. My life is so much richer for having them. They are grown now and we have such a great time together and I’m very proud of both of them and love spending time with them. Also, as a bonus, I now have 2 grandchildren. Being a grandmother is the best. THE BEST. My life is very rich and full and busy, and a great deal of it revolves around my family.

#14

Mine are almost 4 years apart. That was perfect for me. As adults, they are still close. During childhood, the older one entertained the younger one and helped out. My two are both girls, but very different in their personalities. If they had been closer in age, I think there would have been a lot of fighting.

#15

Mine are 15 months apart. I have never been able to ride as much as I wanted, but, it was good having the kids close together, as what was fun/appropriate/required for one was pretty much fun/appropriate/required for the other.

#16

[QUOTE=AKB;8932066]
Mine are almost 4 years apart. That was perfect for me. As adults, they are still close. During childhood, the older one entertained the younger one and helped out. My two are both girls, but very different in their personalities. If they had been closer in age, I think there would have been a lot of fighting.[/QUOTE]

You’re both right. My sister and I are 14 months apart. We always had someone to play with. We had the usual “She’s touching me!” things, but didn’t really fight until high school. Sister got stuck with a lot of hand-me-downs that weren’t to far out of style (neither one of us were fashion plates).

I moved away, far away;), after college. My sister managed to end up 20 min away from me and we are pretty close. Sometimes too close, I got really used to my space.

#17

Mine were 4 years apart and it worked out well. As someone else mentioned riding was off the radar for a few years but that is God’s way of looking out for children. For if I had kept riding my daughters would probably not have been potty trained or taught how use eating utensils until they were 12. :slight_smile: I have no self control when it comes to my horses.

One daughter’s children are 20 months apart and I happen to watch those 2 quite often. OMG, I can’t wait until the little crawly one is a smidge older so she can keep up with the 2 1/2 year old sister. Ack!!!

#18

My old boss (a scientist and father of 3) used to say the work involved with children increases by the square of the sum of the children you have.
I say it partly depends on the particular kids involved. Some are easy going and sleep and some don’t. My two are 2.3 years apart, I’m so happy to just get some of those younger kid things out of the way, like naps, ditching naps has opened up the flexibility of the day so much more. I’m done potty training, if one has to pee at the barn, I say drop pants and squat out back and I keep on tacking up. Mine have fun playing with each other now that they are 7 and almost 5 and I can finally ride (have the horses at home) while my husband does his thing and the kids can play together and entertain each other, or at this point, my youngest can entertain herself at the barn while her big brother is busy helping dad with a project, though I’m not saying this with total confidence as yesterdays entertainment included taking my barn scissors and trying them out on a few locks of her hair. My horses are just about kid proof when it comes to their noise, though we have strict rules that the kids are never allowed in with the horses. I have 8.5 months of daycare left to pay for, well, 35 weeks, but who’s counting? I love that they can enjoy the same games and activities, and the gap is enough that the older one is helping the younger one with writing skills, which has brought her along so much faster. In general, she has done everything at an earlier age in an effort to be big like him and it’s made my life easier with teaching her skills, while tougher in dealing with her emotions when she just isn’t able to do what he does.

#19

My kids are 3 years apart and that was perfect for me. The oldest is independent and able to help me but they are still close and like to play together.

How much you can ride depends on your support system, as someone else said. When my second came I had to drop down from riding 5 days a week to 3 days a week. My mom and MIL are SO helpful in making my riding happen but I also have a good babysitter. You have to budget accordingly though. Now I have lesson fees + babysitter fees so lessons are suddenly a lot more expensive!

Like most things, you can make it work, it’s just a lot harder.

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