Schooling show at a barn with some old baggage

[chillydc]

I would probably skip these shows. I also have some anxiety issues and just reading your post made me feel a little sick. Agree with the previous poster who pointed out that any little slip up on you or your horse’s part will be magnified in your mind and blown way out of proportion. Combine that with a snide comment or nasty look from the old BO and you may set yourself up for an unpleasant memory, which could have a negative long term effect on you and your future shows. Also, as someone else said, why support this person with your money? Go spend your money at a show where you can walk around relaxed and really enjoy yourself with your horse.

PS: I am a real whimp when it comes to confrontation, real or perceived.

[toady123]

If it were me I’d go in a heartbeat. The horse world is too small - if you isolate yourself from every idiot and crazy you’d never leave your property.

With that said, if just being on the property makes you anxious than I would say it’s not worth setting back the training of your greenie to attend if you are going to be stressed and tense. If that is the case than do yourself both a favour and stay home until you gain in confidence.

[roseymare]

I would actually caution about you going “just to watch” or even “just to watch your trainer ride”. If this BO is the type I think she is she may be more apt to single you out for a snide comment if you ARE just watching. It might give her “more ammo” so to speak.

I would either send the horse with the trainer or go myself when ready. Or if you do go sans horse make sure that you stay very busy helping the others from your barn and appear to have an official duty.

[Lady_Eboshi]

Why give this woman (who obviously has a personality disorder that will probably eventually ruin her business) that kind of power over you?

Go to the show with your friends. You have a perfect right to, just like anyone else who pays an entry fee. If the BO has a brain at ALL, she’ll be happy to take your money and will shut up.

Should she be dysfunctional enough to come over and start sniping at you, tell her loudly and clearly to go eff herself and carry on with your day.

These kinds of people ONLY can take the power that others GIVE them freely!

I might add that it’s a rare bully who will take you on in public.

[CHT]

She will probably be too busy running the show to pay much attention to you.

I would go once either with or without your horse but not show (but pay the applicable fees), to see how YOU feel, and then go from there.

Most people are smart enough to be polite to people that are giving them money.

[RPM]

If you did not live in RI I would think I knew this BO!

I am with those who say if she is judging, don’t show there.

If not, and you want to go to see friends, and your green giraffe has proven he can behave like a horse, I would say go for it and show that BO that “kids” can have really great horses who place in the ribbons (or at least can compete and do well).

Maybe she is a bit of a control freak who resents “her” students succeeding out from under her thumb? Maybe she doesn’t want other people to see that one of her former students can get on just fine without her controlling every stride they make.

If it were the BO I’m thinking of I would be tempted to go and “show” everyone as well as my horse! All without any attitude and with a warm smile on my face and cool confidence in my horse and myself. (And, to give this BO her due, she would either subtlely ignore me or else greet me like an old friend to show everyone else we are thisclose. The horse world is small – we all gotta at least appear to get along. You never know – one day you may need a good word from her. )

Could you trailer in with a friend for moral support?

[SmartAlex]

[QUOTE=dontskipthecafe;8057451]
I used to take lessons at the barn in question and later worked there, but after some highly unpleasant conflicts with the barn owner, I left. I have only seen her once since then, in an attempt at reconciliation about a year ago, and ended up leaving in tears because her response to “I got a horse finally” was “I hate hearing about you kids getting horses.”[/QUOTE]

I know this hurtful exchange is still fresh in your mind, but it is quite likely that the barn owner will not remember it or not remember it that way.
The answer to “I wonder what So-And-So thinks of me?” is usually “Nothing, she is too busy thinking about herself”.

I used to work myself up into a lather over things I’d said wrong or things someone else had said wrong and then somewhere along the way I realized that it was only a big deal to me. Because people really didn’t think about me as much as I thought about me. It brought a lot of peace when I realized that.

[arapaloosa_lady]

[QUOTE=SmartAlex;8058390]
I used to work myself up into a lather over things I’d said wrong or things someone else had said wrong and then somewhere along the way I realized that it was only a big deal to me. Because people really didn’t think about me as much as I thought about me. It brought a lot of peace when I realized that.[/QUOTE]

Word.

I’m not as advanced at this technique as SmartAlex, but I do think it’s very true. And I get a lot of peace when I realize the drama is all in my mind - everyone else has gotten over it.

[gottagrey]

[QUOTE=dontskipthecafe;8057618]
Thank you for the advice! I think I am going to go to the first show only to watch, and see how just being on the property affects me. If I’m feeling okay, and I feel like my horse will be okay, I may go to the second or third show with her.[/QUOTE]

This was what I was going to suggest. Go cheer your current barnmates on and it will help you feel less anxious about showing there. If you see the BO be as absolutely pleasant as you can possibly be but not to the point where its gushy and fake. If the ring looks good and pretty - tell her, tell her what a nice show it is/was and you’re looking forward to bringing your greenie there at some point. Its always hard to break the ice, hopefully the BO has matured some.

[DJohn]

Skip it.

I wouldn’t pay someone I disliked to allow me to ride on their property. The horse world may be small, but there are lots of schooling shows. Heck, you can even rent a “fully-furnished” arena for a few hours and do your own “show” at many places. Why bother stressing yourself out (and in direct relation, your horse) when you don’t have to?

[dontskipthecafe]

Lots of conflicting advice here, but all valid and good to think about!

I believe that BO is not technically running the show, so she’ll be receiving a flat fee for the show to use her facility no matter how much money they make. So it’s not like I’m throwing money at her, exactly. She will be there and I would assume that she will be involved with her own students, but hopefully she won’t pay attention to me.

The plan at this point is the one I mentioned earlier: Go to first show in May with trainer and friends from new barn. Hang out. Hopefully not have conniption about being in BO’s general vicinity. In the fairly likely case that conniption does not occur, think about bringing greenbean to the second or third show. Take Xanax before show. Have absolutely zero expectations for greenbean except for “kindly do not kill me.”

[My_Two_Cents]

I think you have a good plan at this point. It would be a bad thing to take your horse to the first one and have it be a bad experience for both of you. If all goes well for the first one, make some decisions for the second one. No use to rush and have it turn out badly. If you don’t make any of these shows with your horse, the world will not stop turning. There’s lots of advice on this thread but you have to do what’s right for you and your horse.

[Ambitious_Kate]

My thought would be no. I wouldn’t want to pay her any money. I wouldn’t want to patronize her business. Not me, not my horse. Especially when she used the word “hate” in relation to me, and my horse. Actually, to me, those like me, and our horses. Guess she hates you ‘kids’ and your horses, but has no problem taking your money, eh? That would be my take, and in that regard, I wouldn’;t be handing over any of my money to her to event on her property. <shudder>/ I don’t have any kind of an anxiety DO, but that would make my stomach turn all day.

[OverandOnward]

[QUOTE=dontskipthecafe;8059094]
… Take Xanax before show. Have absolutely zero expectations for greenbean except for “kindly do not kill me.”[/QUOTE]

You know, I have thought many times that a great big ole glass of red wine right before dressage would probably do me & horse both a lot of good. Maybe 2. I’ve never done it, but … :winkgrin: (If it worked, maybe stadium, too … )

[Equisis]

I can see both sides of the coin. I am all for letting bygones be bygones and going about your business, but if there are ample schooling show opportunities elsewhere, it might not be worth the added stress to go to the old barn. Only you can weigh the options and decide if it’s worth the stress and potential discomfort.

FWIW, there is a local barn where I used to work whose owners no longer hold me in their good graces, due to a very complicated situation (and despite leaving on good terms and being on excellent terms while I was there). I would never be rude to them, and I am always friendly when we meet in public (friendlier than they are, for sure ) but I also choose not to attend their schooling shows. I have made my peace with the situation but I also don’t feel the need to patronize them financially after their ill treatment.

[SmartAlex]

[QUOTE=OverandOnward;8060285]
You know, I have thought many times that a great big ole glass of red wine right before dressage would probably do me & horse both a lot of good. Maybe 2. I’ve never done it, but … :winkgrin: (If it worked, maybe stadium, too … )[/QUOTE]

I firmly believe that boxed wine was a creation for people who need to pack for horse shows.

[meupatdoes]

Wait until your horse is ready to kick some heinie and then go and wipe the floor with everyone.

You’ll feel much better.

[FindersKeepers]

I have been in your shoes exactly before. (though it was a trainer, not a BO) I made the mistake of taking the greenie with me to the first show. I got there the night before, late, and schooled and he was PERFECT. Come the next morning, said trainer was standing at the in gate and I couldn’t stop thinking about her long enough to get the poor kid around the course successfully. I went there to prove her wrong, and ended up falling right into the negative thoughts she had planted in my head AND gave my green a poor ride at his first show. Foolish.

I WISH I had done what you plan to do: go along to the first show to help support your friends and see how you feel seeing her and being on the property again. If you have a good friend that will let you hop on their horse for a flat class to see how you feel in the ring while she’s there, do that too. Leave your kid at home and deal with your anxiety before adding his to the mix.

I think it’s good to try and conquer anxiety’s like this. You just have to know your limitations and listen to yourself. Push yourself until you’re slightly uncomfortable and not so far that you’re paralyzed, and make sure your friends know whats going on. That support can mean the world in a panicked moment. It’s also something to work on daily, to get that person out of your head. Come up with a mantra to tell yourself in front o the mirror everyday that counteracts whatever negativity she has planted. Write down your fears and concerns regarding her and burn it. etc. Make many steps to get her out of your head. She’s not paying rent, after all

[OverandOnward]

By the way, OP, whatever you decide to do, I’m pulling for a successful outcome! Please do update this thread and let us know how it went - good or bad. There will be attagirl’s if it’s good, and sympathy if it’s not. But we won’t even think about any possibility but the attagirl.