Selling the Farm, having a hard time - where are my people?

[RMJacobs]

I’ve posted a lot about all this, but I can’t remember if you’ve seen and responded to them.

When we got down to one horse, my husband wanted to sell our place where we kept the pony at home, and wanted me to board. The pony was retired by then, due to cataracts. He’d gone from never spooking to spooking at everything because of his vision.

I would have loved to get another pony and continue driving, but we’d agreed when we got the horses that they would not be replaced as they died off. We’d gotten all older horses, and the other two had been euthanized (one at 29 and the other probably well into her 30s).

I went to the barn several times a week to just hang out with my remaining pony. When we decided to move to South Carolina, DH agreed we should take the pony, and was supportive of the very expensive shipping. The pony was in his 30s by then, and I paid for a box stall on an air ride trailer. He seemed to really enjoy the trip, and he loved living in South Carolina.

I found a good barn in SC, and again was out there a lot to hang out with my boy. He died after about another two years. That was a very hard thing for me. I desperately wanted another horse, but my disability had worsened and I realistically couldn’t start over with a new horse. And, my husband might divorce me if I got another horse. I wouldn’t go back on an agreement we made.

My husband tried to convince me for a year to take driving lessons just to keep my hand in, and I started doing that last November with another COTHer. But it was so different from having my own horse, having a relationship outside of just driving it occasionally. My last lesson was in March, and I just don’t want to continue taking lessons.

Rebecca

[Alterration]

I am so sorry Rebecca! No - I’ve missed those posts, not sure how. Many hugs sent your way. How are you holding up?

[RMJacobs]

Hugs right back at you!

I feel like a part of me is missing. I’ll probably always feel that way, as it’s already been six years since Salt, my last pony, died. The BO in South Carolina invited me to come love on her horses any time I wanted, which was very sweet, but it just wasn’t the same. A lot of my feelings about this are wrapped up in no longer being the person I was. I was talking to the new social worker at my dialysis clinic yesterday, and told her the worst part of disability was losing a lot of cognitive function. She’s in her 20s and just got her master’s. I don’t think she understood, because at that age you are invincible, of course. And she didn’t know me before to see the difference.

I used to be pretty much fearless when it came to driving. Now I just think about how much worse my life could get with a crash. I still fight with the injuries I received the last time I drove Salt, when we got hit by my own car. I had no PTSD the next time I drove, which was last November, seven years after the crash. And I’m grateful for that. But feeling generally frail terrifies me. I used to have a body I could rely on. I might be slow physically, but I could get it done. Recently, for lessons, I struggled to help harness, and let my partner do all of it since she was learning how to do it, and I could do it in my sleep, if my body would just cooperate. Even the day Salt and I got hit by the car, I still did most of the unharnessing myself. I could barely walk but DH had never done it, and I also wanted to check Salt over thoroughly. Now most buckles defeat me.

Life is good, even considering all the medical crap. I live someplace nice, I ride my trike five miles every day, and my husband, daughter and daughter’s fiance are all wonderful people. I try hard to focus on what I have, and not obsess over what I don’t have. Some days that comes easier than others.

I hope you can come to a decision that makes you feel comfortable. Any time you want to talk about this stuff, feel free to either respond in this thread or send me a PM if you prefer.

Hugs and more hugs,

Rebecca

[gradytb]

Oh I feel this too. None of it is whining! Crap, look at what we’ve done all these years! Looking to sell my place to downsize to something half the size but not ready to give up a farm situation with my 2 OTTBs because I love being outside and mowing, maintenance is stuff I enjoy. It will mean relocating to another state and kind of starting again, but it’s not like I haven’t done that before. At 67, I"m not fearless or bulletproof and the heat here and outdoor work is not where I want to be spending all my time and $$. I’m willing and able for a smaller place (40+ more or less LEVEL acres) but I can’t afford to hire anyone. I don’t have any brilliant answers except I guess it’s a point in life we come to and have to decide how to navigate it. My faith is what keeps me. Not without extreme emotional ups and downs sometimes, but one of the things I"ve come to hear lately is “find the peace…and go there.” I pray that your horse life and physical life come together in the way that’s best and still enjoyable.

[phantomhorse]

The horses that you have decided to sell… is your local community horsey enough that they could go to someone nearby so that you can keep tabs on them? Would being able to help their new owners be helpful or a reminder of your limitations?

FWIW, I didn’t read anything you posted as whining… just as someone having a hard time making adjustments to life changes. I hope you can find some peace.

[risuenaVT]

Entirely different circumstances, literally.

I inherited a family farm. It used to be a dairy farm, but stopped being that before I was born. My entire life, the fields have been rented out to other farmers to grow crops.

I had a photographer/historian contact me post covid about my property and interested in researching it’s history. They were pretty flabbergasted when I said that my family is the only family that has ever lived in my house built in the 1840s.and we have lots of documentation.

All this is to say while I am not a farmer and I may occasionally horse sit for a friend with 10 horses, I know how much work it takes to run a successful farm. As it is, one of my ancestors, wanted to have large lawns, so I’ve got so many acres grass to mow that cannot currently be converted to crop land. Could probably turn it into pasture, but we’d need to put up fencing and search out all the old fallen down barbed wire fence.

So yeah, I, a person who lives on what is now entirely a crop farm, understand how hard it is, both to manage the farm and so many now derelict buildings! (to be fair, I inherited a lot of derelict buildings, but they’ve gotten worse), but also to know when it is.time to say goodbye.

In my case, I have never wanted to manage a farm or to have horses at home (except when I was a kid begging for a pony and didn’t understand how much work they were). I know how much work farms can be now, and even though I never wanted it, I am still sad to say goodbye, family heritage and all.

But I know keeping the family farm is not right for me, as much as saying goodbye hurts.

Your goodbyes and decisions are very different from mine, but they don’t hurt any less. You are doing the right thing for you and your husband. My brother and I are doing the right thing for us. It doesn’t make it easy. It’s still right.

[Alterration]

Yes. With any luck I’ve already found a good spot for one, and the second will be in a program nearby before he sells. I am deeply connected into the equine world here so with any luck that will go ok.

I worry, of course, I had a horse I once sold, years ago, to someone with “good references” later found at a low end auction (luckily someone snapped him up and located me) but I cannot keep them all. My only hope is that I’ve given them a fighting chance, as neither had one before they got here.

And thanks - it’s a huge shift and I’m trying to come to terms with it.

[Alterration]

I’m glad to hear your story and my heart goes out to you too - familial obligations and all that is wrapped up in that add an additional layer! I smiled when you said the property was from the 1840s. The house I grew up in was built then, and all the owners that had it signed the attic wall when they moved on - was a fabulous piece of history that we were able to participate in.

And yes - so much work, especially with old buildings that have been left to go “feral” as you will.

Right decisions aren’t always the easy ones - you are so right. I guess it’s the sign of maturity to be able to make them but it just stinks!

[Alterration]

I feel you on the heat!! Up above 100 with high humidity has me saying “nope - done with that too”.

I’m working on acceptance - it isn’t easy. Thinking of you too!

[Alterration]

@RMJacobs

But feeling generally frail terrifies me. I used to have a body I could rely on. I might be slow physically, but I could get it done.

This so resonates with me. The accidents which precipitated my problems did cause terrible PTSD which I thought was “all in my head”. In truth, I think some primal part of my brain knew I was vulnerable and was trying to keep me safe (until finally it just gave up and said “best of luck crazy woman” lol). It took me 15 years to feel 100% comfortable swinging a leg over again, and I never jumped anything over 2’ after those accidents.

I am also terrified of re-injury now. Before I had my hip surgeries there was a period of time that I couldn’t stand long and had to be wheeled around. No stigma or shame intended but I was wholly unprepared for the emotions around that lack of having a functional body. Wholly unprepared. And I’d prefer to not experience that again if I can prevent it. It’s part of the reason I’m considering heeding the doctor’s recommendations instead of just blowing them off (which is what I’ve done for the last…oh my whole life lol). All of a sudden things got very real.

Thanks for the outreach and you too - please pm - if I can be of support I 100% will be!

[Rackonteur]

@RMJacobs

But it was so different from having my own horse, having a relationship outside of just driving it occasionally. My last lesson was in March, and I just don’t want to continue taking lessons.

I get this. I don’t really want to either. It’s not the same, is it?
Sending you hugs.

[Rackonteur]

@Alterration

Sorry - I sound whiny…I’m just sad.

You don’t sound whiny to me. But if you did, it’s OK to whine. I am sad that you are sad. Aging is hard and aging with disabilities is even harder.

It’s good that you know COTH is here for you and you can tell everyone everything you want to.

Jingles and hugs.

[BeeHoney]

It’s okay to reinvent yourself. And it’s okay to reinvent your relationship with horses. And when you make a life change, even one that is deliberate and well thought out and makes sense, it’s still ok to grieve the loss because change always involves loss.

I’m looking at this myself–own a farm, have a boarding business, and it’s a lifestyle that doesn’t feel like it fits quite the same way it used to. I’m so torn–like you, horses have always been a big part of my identity. But I’m not the same person I used to be either, physically for sure, but I’m also emotionally in a different place. Life is short, there are other things I want to do. I’ve been quietly selling horses and not replacing boarders when they leave. As I’ve been doing this, I’ve also been cultivating some other interests–things I never thought I would do that it turns out I love. There’s been a huge freedom in that for me. Horses will always be a huge part of my identity, but I’m allowed to be more than that.

[gradytb]

Same here—almost 100 every day in summer—one reason why I want to move back towards midwest from TX. Life is too short to have the major part of each summer day AND the major part of the year too hot or miserable to be doing what you want to do. And feral buildings—OMG. I feel like the empty slab queen of my county wit sheds and 2 barn that blew apart in storms. I currently have a LARGE, very tall run-in shed that just blew sideways off its foundation and is now leaning in the pasture. It’s too big for me, even with equipment and neighbors, to take down safely so am having a construction guy do it. But it just never ends.

[RMJacobs]

When we had our horses at home, we had a canvas shelter to keep the arguments between the geldings under control–one could use the wooden shed and the other could use the canvas shelter. A windstorm sent it to Wyoming (I live in Colorado), and all that was left was the frame. I was finding very small pieces of the canvas in the road quite a distance from my house. We built another wood shed, which didn’t blow away, even when we had a small tornado go through the property.

Rebecca

[S1969]

Right there with you! I’m getting ready to list my backyard barn + 20 acres. I’ve moved one horse to a boarding barn and will euthanize the other two. One is 30 and one is 20 and dead lame.
Almost did it last year and didn’t pull the trigger. She’s manageable but barely. I haven’t made the call yet; the vet knows it’s coming though.

And so much work to get it ready. Between the horses, the repairs, and the terrifyingly expensive housing market I’m about a day away from a breakdown most days. People don’t get it either. My sister seems to think there are people who would take my old broken down horses or that I could “donate” them somewhere. So she keeps questioning my decision.

To whom would you “donate” a barely sound horse and feel ok about it? Or a kind of senile 30 year old who hasn’t left the farm in 20 years? What’s the worst that could happen?

[libgrrl]

I feel for you.

[S1969]

@Alterration

I’m not a crier and that’s what I’ve done on and off all day even though this decision has been in process for awhile.

Just reading all of this thread now that I’m on my computer and not my phone.

I think we are the same person. I’ve never cried as much as I have these past few months. Sad about leaving the farm, sad about my horses, sad to not realize many of the dreams I had for this farm.

And then so frustrated all the time! Landscapers - no show; furnace repair - no show; lawn mowing kid - no show. Taking time off work to lug around mulch and stuff that I could pay someone else to do, meanwhile, no one else can sort through all my kids elementary school art projects to decide which ones to throw away or keep. Argh.

And then lots of unsolicited advice. Like “maybe you should just get rid of your horses and stay there. Use the money from horses to pay someone to mow for you…” Yeah that’s all it would take to keep a 20 acre horse farm from being consumed by the wilderness. Just a kid to mow the lawn. Sigh.

Sending hugs to you! It sucks! And then there is the whole moving thing too. I’m hoping, however, that by next summer I’ll be sitting on a deck drinking mimosas while someone is mowing my pastures.

[BeeHoney]

@S1969 I’m sorry you are going through this. And getting so much bad advice / unhelpful commentary at the same time. Your sister’s comments about giving away your horses, she obviously has no idea, and your plan is reasonable and humane. Not everyone has the knowledge and experience to give helpful advice.

People have NO CLUE what it takes to maintain a property–even just to keep it from being “consumed by the wilderness” as you aptly put it. People also always talk about “hiring help” like it’s some simple thing–you just call someone up and bam, they come out and mow or fix fence or help with some other thing. I don’t know what fantasy world those folks live in. The last three times I hired an extra employee to just help with mowing each one was a disaster of equipment damage, alcohol, or profound inefficiency. It takes a ton of time and effort to hire, train, and supervise contractors or employees doing even the simplest of tasks. There are very not that many people with the skill set and executive functioning to be able to work independently in a farm setting. In many instances it ends up just being less stressful to do the job yourself, and you are back where you started.

[S1969]

@BeeHoney

Your sister’s comments about giving away your horses, she obviously has no idea, and your plan is reasonable and humane. Not everyone has the knowledge and experience to give helpful advice.

You guys will laugh when I tell you that she says things like “so, did you call your farrier yet about putting down the horses?”

I’ve corrected her enough times that I’m not doing it anymore. But I always imagine my farrier bashing my horses over the head with a hammer. LOL.