Where I lease, we have a whole bunch of groundwork-centered work going on. Obstacle courses in hand. At liberty work. Some of it is absolutely astounding!
Anyway, I guess my advice would be to adopt an attitude of acceptance. People fight change, they fight new habits, they cling to the old, we struggle and struggle.
But struggle is negative and backwards looking. If you can convince yourself to step forward (something we always ask of our horses!!) instead of planting your feet, your perspective on the future might be more positive.
We’re all aging. I had lots and lots of tears when I gave up competition. Then again when I gave up my personal farmette. Now I trail ride on a leased horse who is as sane as they come, and I’m quite happy. The demands are fewer, the horse is just fine, I don’t have to control every jot and tittle anymore. And there’s new stuff to learn (the at liberty stuff) if I wanted to.
I will admit that I didn’t tell anyone except my husband and my vet about putting down my ancient horse because I didn’t need the helpful advice. I knew what was right and humane and I’d been his caretaker for 30 of his 35 years.
The amount of crap we had accumulated in 20 years on that farm was astounding. In the end I just had to set my jaw and plough my way through the whole process.
When we sold our horse property, I asked DH (in desperation) whether he could stand to stay there, having boarded our last horse. He said that doesn’t change needing to plow snow and mow grass (more without any horses as we used them as four footed lawnmowers by putting up temporary fences), maintain the driveway (dirt, long and steep) and all the other stuff that is needed even without critters. I had to admit he was right, and we sold it. I’m still sad. I have a hard time going by there, and finally just stopped going to see people we were friends with who lived behind us. And that was when I still had one pony left. Now that he is gone, I’m not sure who I am. I’ve always been so many things, but having horses was such a big part.
I put my Paint mare down when she was well into her 30s. She had the horse version of dementia–didn’t recognize my husband, whom she worshipped, couldn’t find food when it was right in front of her, and became very aggressive. Given her age, we decided euthanasia was the best choice for her, and our vet agreed. A neighbor who had previously been a friend (and for whom my husband had done a lot of work, just being neighborly) spread it around the equestrian subdivision where we lived that we murdered our mare for no good reason. So much for friendship, or bothering to find out why we euthanized the mare.
All you can do is ignore the bad advice of clueless people. But the things they say still hurt.
Necessary life changes can be agonizing. It doesn’t mean they are wrong.
You are essentially re-making your entire life. That’s hard for anyone, in any circumstances. Partly for innate biological reasons, as well as emotional and logical reasons.
Is your new place something you are looking forward to, even as you struggle with letting go of the old? If so, can you spend as much time there as possible? Anything to get a positive future reminding you of the destination can help lighten the gradual shedding of the old.
Horses are remarkably adaptable. Of course they will have some reaction to the change. But especially if they have lived elsewhere before, they tend to look to how to settle in where they land. They may look for old companions for about three +/- weeks.
But the horses will move forward better than the humans. Especially as they find themselves well-cared-for where they land.
I don’t know your plan, but if the horses are re-homed first, it may make it much easier, emotionally and physically, to keep moving forward with your transition. Good luck!
“The money from horses” - you should hear me cackling from over here.
The gal who cleans for me lives on the property. She has been here 30+ years, cleaning stalls. I have retrained this woman (sort of). But I STILL cannot get her to not spray water on the ground, to make sure that the stalls are actually clean, and to not kink the KINK-RESISTANT hose. The hose is SUCH a little thing, but it’s so emblematic of how hard it is to get people to do what you need them to do on a farm. They don’t understand that it’s a $150 hose, and when you kink it and leave it on the reel that way it weakens it slowly. And that no, $150 in the grand scheme of things isn’t super expensive but it’s JUST ANOTHER THING to replace (never mind muck fork heads, and rake handles, and feed scoops - how the eff do people break feed scoops???).
My DSLD horse is only 19. He hsan’t suffered catastrophic breakdown yet, but his hocks are practically straight and his suspensories are almost continually puffy now. This year, he’s not holding weight like he used to. I can tell that he’s stressed from pain. I think he has always been stressed from pain and no one ever noticed it because he doesn’t look lame. The number of people who have said I should just be riding him, and that it’s too early for euthanasia makes me ill.
Unfortunately, we don’t have a new plan yet because we’re using the equity from the farm to buy something, and we don’t have a buyer yet. So - it’s all preparatory work. I think that’s what’s making it hard for me too - I don’t have somethng to look forward to. It’s all loss right now. I keep trying to envision life, but DH and I have a lot of other balls in the air, so I don’t know whether that’s an apartment for a year and then moving cross country, or staying in the local area for a few years. It’s agonizing (I’m a person who likes to set a direction and get things done).
I’m working on the rehoming/moving. I have to keep horses on the property to keep them grandfathered in for potential new residents, but the two that are moving on are hopefully going soon. My euthanasia-candidate will be the last to leave, but he can’t be alone. That will be a very hard day, and I haven’t scheduled that yet.
Well at least you know you have a thread full of COTH’ers who are on your side.
They say that when something we depend on is taken away, we need to replace it with something else. If there is anything positive that is going with you that you can draw some happiness from, it might help you maintain some energy.
I do know that if you just pour out energy and effort, and don’t replace it with anything, definitely that leaves us all exhausted. A real trip away, if there is room for it? Day trips? Even a picnic? Something fun with DH? with the ASB?
This change IS going to make your life far easier and less stressful, from what you’ve written. The long list of things that need to get better for you will do that, once you get over this very tough hump.
Last thought, advice, suggestion: Don’t discuss euthanizing any animal with anyone, except maybe one or two people who you know will support and understand your decisions. People are not rational when it isn’t their animal. It’s also exhausting to try to explain it to them.
You can talk about the euthanasia here on COTH, of course. Almost everyone here has been down that road and will support you. Just 6 months ago I said goodbye to the precious dog that had been a huge part of getting my parents through their final years. It was very hard. But it can be a relief to know that their struggles are released. Honestly it’s allowed me to move forward as well.
LOL she meant the money I spend on horses. But yes, still laughing. Because it’s not just money but so much time!
I had a great kid worker who was savvy with horses and for the most part could be trusted around them (although I did see hoofprints in the snow outside my paddock one day so he clearly let them out accidentally.) But he really beats the crap out of equipment. I watch him mow and am amazed at how fast he can do it, and then realize the jolting/impact that must be happening when he does it. Plus he does things like cut up a tree that fell down in March when the ground is soft and use the tractor to move it - and drove 18" ruts into my front lawn. Just leave it!!! Now its worse than just a tree being down. Sign.
Kink resistant hose – I’d like to see that. Haha. My hose is always kinked.
Amen. My sister believes that there are sanctuaries that will take them. I mean…there are some…but it’s not like you just call them up and say “yeah, I don’t feel like paying for this one anymore, can you come and get her?”
Well, and any who would are suspect, IMO. I’ve seen enough “retirement” and “rescue” horror stories to be very cautious about who I place a horse with. I have friends who do rescue who I do trust, but I wouldn’t foist my “needs-medication-daily-and-is-breaking-down-cribber-who-hates-the-outdoors” guy on them. He really is a wonderful horse, but it’s a lot to manage, and I can’t just throw him in a field and call it good. He doesn’t deserve that. He’s already stressed going out 12 hours a day.
We are going away in a couple of weeks for a friend’s daughter’s graduation. That should help, The other horse is leaving for training but he’ll only be 30 miles away and I know that barn well and love the people there, so that should give me something to do on occasion before he sells. It’s going to be hard to do, since I’m making him nice to sell! Same thing with the house and barn, I’ve just fixed everything up, and now I’m selling it. Seems…wrong.
Ahh, well, now I’m just moping. I definitely need that mental picture of how life will be “after” fairly soon.
I’m really generally very good at change, but I think this is all just coming together awkwardly. Everything is in flux right now. My physical self is deteriorating (more rapidly than I’d like), I’m running my own business consulting because…well, that was a long story, but I’m not in the position I’d like right now, and so that’s a shift, I’m about to become a grandmother - which is joyful but has caused ALLLL kinds of feels, my parents are sick and getting sicker…and now the farm and potential move, and not being able to ride.
So - I’m trying to look forward, but it’s tough when it’s a whole new life and I have no idea how it’s going to play out. As a certified type A executive, I usually set a direction and make it happen, and this situation, for various reasons, is a “well, it’s kinda heading in some sort of direction throw all the boggle cubes up in the air and see how they land to see what it spells next”.
That…is a little much for me LOL
Once I have a direction, once I can “see” how my life will be, I think I’ll be ok. I just can’t see it yet.
This is also coming at an awkward time for DH, who is also getting to choose what to do and where to live for the first time in his career. He’s struggling to make a decision and flip flopping all over the place which is TOTALLY understandable, but that’s making it harder for me to latch on to anything. We were talking about renting, and then he went and took me to look at houses. I fall in love with a particular neighborhood in my city and he starts wigging out about not being near family (which couldn’t happen for another year yet). I have sympathy for him - this is a series of events that is making decisions difficult, but also “you’re not making it easier dude” has crossed my mind a few times LOL
And I say that with love. I know it’s hard on him too.
Here’s my really lame horse who also shreds stall mats and her feet in the process because she kicks the bedding at flies and trashes the stall every day. Oh, and she doesn’t won’t wear a fly sheet or fly boots or bell boots or a fly mask. It’ll be fine.
That was certainly my experience. My pony, Salt, had lived at my house for 13 years when we sold the property. I found a good boarding situation for him where there were just two other horses, both belonging to the owner, and he would have a stall with a pen attached, plus be turned out on pasture most of the time. This was very different from my place, where all three horses lived outside with access to a shed. He seemed pretty happy from the get go. It probably helped that now he had friends, where he’d been alone for several months after we had to euthanize our other remaining horse. Once he became an only horse at my place, he hung out as close to my neighbor’s alpacas as he could and made friends with the deer. Not ideal.
Then I moved him to South Carolina, and kind of held my breath when I led him up the driveway to his new home. It was a big change–at first he was in a quarantine stall, which he didn’t seem to like much, then after he passed quarantine, he was with two other old guys–a horse and a donkey–outside all the time with no shelter. He seemed to love it. Ultimately we needed to put him in his own pasture because he was slow to eat his senior feed, but he was still next to other horses, and he seemed to love that, too, especially when the mares started foaling.
It took me a lot longer to accept all the changes in my life, even though I had a say in where we went.
If you are good at it, then cling to that idea. At some point, after one or two smaller decisions are made, you (and DH) will emerge with a direction, and you will be good at pursuing the new direction.
We lived in a rental condo that was just about ten miles from the horse property after we sold, and that was hard. We’d sold or given away so much so we could fit ourselves into a small two bedroom, two bath condo. It had some really good points–our daughter could take the fancy bus service from Fort Collins to Denver’s Union Station, then take light rail to the station right by the condo. It was nice not having her drive down, or worse, going to get her, as she was a pretty new driver and was not comfortable in freeway traffic and it was about 80 miles one way. We had restaurants on the ground floor of our building, and that was neat. But it was weird, especially going past my old neighborhood to go see my pony and still biking the same bike paths that I’d been using for so many years.
It was all a bit easier once we moved to South Carolina. Everyone in the neighborhood was from somewhere else (most were from New Jersey), so it was easy to make friends. I really liked our house there, and the pony was twenty minutes away by back roads. Unfortunately he died two years after the move, which was not unexpected given that he was pretty old by then.
It also helped that we settled in Fort Collins when we came back to Colorado. My only associations here were from our daughter’s years in college, so not having horses didn’t seem quite as weird.
One of the great things about this thread and a few others like it is horse folk of any age can read it and understand their lives can and inevitably will change. Like it or not.
Good to give the future at least some thought and a plan B in place. We are all going to unseen futures. Best thing we can do for our horses futures is to keep them healthy and as easy to handle as possible with the ability to do something. That way, somebody else might want them shoukd our lives take a turn fir the worst.
as we age the real issue we have is the property tax on the land and mineral rights which have gone way up, that plus the runaway property insurance cost.
What were costs that were kind of predictable have become what the hell are they doing values
Land that we bought for a few thousand an acre is now being valued by the county property tax board in six figures, we are less than ten acres so can not use Ag Exemption, they are valuing the land as real-estate for a housing development that can have around ten units per acre (or more)
We are exploring how to transfer ownership to one of our kids who is still horse crazy
I wondered if that was one of the reasons farms were getting driven out. We had a similar hard time trying to mortgage our farm which is a residential non-conforming property. Wonder if that will cause issues for potential buyers.
