Setting boundaries/tack borrowing

[Loudlaugh12]

Okay all, help my mildly socially anxious self stop ruminating.

I board my horses at a barn full of nice people overall. One of the working students asked if she could borrow a piece of my tack for another client’s horse as the client’s same piece of equipment was broken and working student realized this as she was tacking up and she was short on time. I said yes—I wasn’t using it at the time and knew she’d put it back.

Fast forward a few days and I see lesson student on the client’s horse using my piece of equipment bc WS told her to use it. I was surprised as I didn’t intend for my yes to mean it could be borrowed more than that one time. I had to let the WS know that I didn’t want my piece of tack to be continued to be used and to make sure the other client knew she needed to get that piece of equipment for herself. I was as nice as possible about it as WS felt bad. I cringe at creating conflict. But it was either say something or say nothing and risk an expensive piece of tack getting lost/broken/used when I want it, etc. I honestly don’t mind lending and helping but I feel like this was a slippery slope to my equipment being incorporated into this horse’s set up with any one who rode him (plus and not that it matters, but it’s an unusual size because I have a very fat “hony” and took me forever to find it)

Reasonable and correct, right?

[scislandsprite]

Yes that’s fine to set boundaries! I’ve been in the situation where I didn’t speak up and had tack go missing so I regret not saying something about it before it was too late. You went about it politely so no harm done

[Spudsmyguy]

Yup! Very reasonable and correct.

[trubandloki]

I think you were very reasonable. If someone gets upset about your request then they are out of line.

[Bogie]

Absolutely you were right. And it also sounds like you were kind. You did the WS a favor because you clarified for her what is and isn’t appropriate. The next person she “borrowed” from might not try to spare her feelings.

[Loudlaugh12]

Thanks :). The WS is very kind and does her job well. Which is why I felt guilty.

[Displaced_Yankee]

@Loudlaugh12

The WS is very kind and does her job well.

Which is probably why she instructed the lesson to use your tack.

No harm in boundaries. Now the WS student knows for the future. Clear and consistent communication IS ok!

[Lusoluv]

I had something similar but different, just recently:

BM’s girlfriend reaches into my open tack trunk, grabs my liniment and walks on by while I’m tacking up. WTF!? I was almost speechless, until I sputtered, “Can I help you”? She said, "Oh my liniment went missing. Well, I said, that’s NOT yours. You can tell by my faded initials in blue marker on the bottom of the bottle. She just said, “Oh, OK” put it down and walked away. Now I know where to start looking if ANYTHING goes missing - her trunk!!

I felt kinda weird too…for about 5 min. Then I was just mad. OP you have nothing to feel bad about.

[goodhors]

OP, you MAY want to start locking up your storage trunk, locker, just to prevent your items being “borrowed” again. Lesson person now ALSO knows what things you have to borrow from, probably won’t ask because they were told by WS to get it last time. Never interacted with YOU, heard your speech, because you only spoke to WS about borrowing.

Your things are expensive, oddly sized, hard to find. Purchased for YOUR use, right out of your trunk whenever you feel like using it! If you don’t want them out of your control, dirty, damaged, lost, you need to lock them up. Do they have your name on them? Even harder to reclaim without being marked.

You could also keep all your tack in your car, take it home with you after your ride.

Same advice to the person having to reclaim her liniment. Lock up your stuff! You won’t have to “check her trunk first” if girlfriend can’t access your locked storage areas. Girlfriend sounds like “a piece of work” grabbing things as she goes by!!

You both may want to read the Missing Items post by another person who doesn’t lock up her things. Myself? There would be a big noise if I found my things taken or borrowed without being asked! Not going to happen because I lock my things up.

[peedin]

Yep, lock it all up or take it home. I hate to say it but OP has set a precedent. Even though you spoke with the WS, the WS told someone else to use your tack. No bueno. I’m not sure why OP felt guilty saying “don’t lend my stuff to other people.”

[4Frogs_aLilypad]

Kudos to you for speaking up! You did the right thing!

[BrendaJane]

If you don’t set boundaries your tack with either vanish or get broken and nobody did either…

The best policiy is to have it all under lock and key - sadly enough.

[js]

I understand you’re in a good barn with good boarders and WS’s and you want to keep that relationship with everyone there. It was nice of you to offer your piece of equipment that day but it was then that you should have set the boundry, just use it today; yes, I realize it was probably the last thing you would have thought of. Letting them know now was good and you did it in a tactful and friendly way. I agree that it may be time to lock your tack compartment so there are no further misunderstandings; however, in doing so you are kind of letting them know you don’t trust them so it’s something you may want to wait a little bit on doing, it isn’t so much a trust issue just one that you don’t want your things used in the future.

[trubandloki]

@js

however, in doing so you are kind of letting them know you don’t trust them so it’s something you may want to wait a little bit on doing, it isn’t so much a trust issue just one that you don’t want your things used in the future.

If people are looking down their nose at someone keeping their equipment safe by locking it up, the problem is those people, not the person keeping their stuff secured.

When someone asks to use something, the vast majority of the time it is assumed that it is a one time thing. The OP should not have had to say ‘this time only’. I think the OP did this WS a good life lesson on that subject, that it is a one time thing and do not assume it is an always thing.
If I loan out my truck and trailer for this particular thing, no one with two brain cells thinks they can just take my truck and trailer anytime they want.
Same holds true for tack and other smaller things.

[Spudsmyguy]

I used to have a share boarder who would loan my tack out to friends at a different barn and then tell me about it after. “I hope you don’t mind but I loaned your side reins to so and so.”

I told her yes I do mind and please go get it back. Took me hounding her for a week or two to return them.

[eightpondfarm]

oh my!!! grrrrrrrr

[173north]

@js

I agree that it may be time to lock your tack compartment so there are no further misunderstandings; however, in doing so you are kind of letting them know you don’t trust them so it’s something you may want to wait a little bit on doing

I think this is overthinking it… odds are that the only person who is going to notice a new padlock is whoever next tries going into OP’s locker to ‘borrow’ stuff.

[findeight]

Agree, anybody personally offended by a locked trunk has a problem or bad case of entitlement, not the owner of the locked trunk. To paraphrase an old saying, good, locked trunks make good barnmates.

Far as creating barn drama by saying no and/or locking your trunk? Ever been in a barn where “borrowing” is expected? You wanna see barn drama, try life in one of those.

[js]

I agree, the person that will notice is the one borrowing the OP’s equipment; the OP did mention the individual is a very nice person, I added the comment if the individual takes offense or is upset because she has lost the OP’s trust.

[Zu_Zu]

After years of being ‘accommodating/ generous with my tack - I stopped after being abused too many times.

^ sounds bitchy but too many times I had to track it down to find it filthy or damaged - this at different and all nice boarding barns for years.

Sorry not sorry !