Showing western and sister troubles

[huntseat3]

I’ve probably posted something similar here before…so I’m sorry but I just cannot get it out of my head…I can’t decide what to do, and with show season coming up I’m thinking about it more.

I’ll try to keep it short. Basically, I ride hunt seat and my sister rides western. We both show on our own horses in open shows throughout the summer. I would consider my horse an all-arounder; he’s primarily hunt seat but he was started in western pleasure and makes a nice western horse. Sister’s horse is a ranch type. I would love to show mine in western classes, however, sister gets very defensive any time something’s brought up; example, my dad will mention getting me some western show clothes and if sister is around she will quickly try to change the subject. She wants me to stay with ‘my’ discipline and her to stay with ‘hers.’ Somewhat understandable, however my intent is in no way to take over ‘her’ discipline or to outshine her, I simply want to gain more experience with my horse and I think it’d be something fun for us to try. She’s always been very territorial about this and insists on keeping what we do separate.

I’ve gotten sort of turned off by showing western now because in the back of my mind I know that she won’t approve. Not that I need her approval, but I can’t help but thinking that I’ll always feel like she’s judging me or something. I don’t want to start any fights between us, and I don’t want this to ruin our showing relationship, which is why I’ve put it off for a while; I don’t want to rock the boat. However, like I said, this is something that I would really love to do, I just cannot get past this. It’s probably all my fault, I really shouldn’t care what she thinks, but unfortunately I do and it’s stopping me. I’m scared to make the leap and just go for it.

Any advice? This has been eating me up for a while now.

[aktill]

She needs to suck it up, life won’t be as nice to her as you’re being. Have a conversation stating what you are looking to do, but there really isn’t any reason for you not to be doing this just to avoid “her turf”.

I’d have thought most people would love being able to share things with family (esp with everything that needs to happen at a show), but every family dynamic is different.

If you have to tiptoe around silly little issues, the big ones in life will eat you alive.

[Pocket_Pony]

You’ve posted this before, you got lots of replies. No one can make the decision for you - it is time to put on your big girl panties and decide what you want to do.

If your sister is a bully toward you, it doesn’t matter if it is this issue or some other issue. If you let her dictate how you live your life, you will regret it and she will have control over you. Do you want to live your life like that? It is hard to deal with confrontation, but the time to do it is now if you want to live your own life. If you want to live the life that she wants you to live, then you will be a very miserable person indeed.

I think I said “live your life” enough, but sometimes there’s just one way to say things!:lol:

[SuckerForHorses]

[QUOTE=aktill;8019724]
She needs to suck it up, life won’t be as nice to her as you’re being. Have a conversation stating what you are looking to do, but there really isn’t any reason for you not to be doing this just to avoid “her turf”.

I’d have thought most people would love being able to share things with family (esp with everything that needs to happen at a show), but every family dynamic is different.

If you have to tiptoe around silly little issues, the big ones in life will eat you alive.[/QUOTE]

This. Sister needs to get over herself and you actually aren’t doing her any favors by tip-toeing around her. We aren’t talking about you making a life altering decision that will directly affect her. We’re talking local open shows and who gets to show what discipline. If you want to show western, well, sister needs to deal with it. Too bad for her if she doesn’t like it.

[NoSuchPerson]

[QUOTE=Pocket Pony;8019757]
You’ve posted this before, you got lots of replies. No one can make the decision for you - it is time to put on your big girl panties and decide what you want to do. [/QUOTE]

Yes, you’ve already posted about this here, OP, and you got lots of good advice. I know this is going to sound harsh, but you need to stop whining about your meanie sister. Decide what you want to do and then go do it.

[aktill]

Any future spouse your sister ends up with will appreciate you stamping out as much of this passive-aggressiveness as you can.

Likewise, you need to learn to stand up for yourself to family if you hope to be able to do so to future employers, coworkers etc.

It’s not “being nice” to put up with something that you’re not happy with. At best it’ll make you bitter or very submissive if you don’t address it and don’t accept it. Accept the ridiculous restriction and forget it, or deal with it. You don’t have to be a jerk, but don’t continue to be a pushover.

[OverandOnward]

I think you are an insightful and caring sister. That kind of discomfort with two siblings in one competitive activity is absolutely normal … and it lasts a lifetime, btw!

Given that you do care, you are quite right to consider if it is worth the family drama and possible unintentional damage to relationships. It may be that your sister harbors feelings that you tend to outshine her in other areas, even that you are something of a favorite - even if it is not true, these are common feelings among siblings. She’s happy having an area that is hers alone where she doesn’t have to think about that.

You could …

• Stretch you and your horse in any other discipline than that one. It’s not like these are the only two choices for you. Don’t let any circumstance convince you that you don’t have another choice. Think differently about the total situation and look for new opportunities.

or

• Do the work to establish and maintain a dynamic with your sister that you compete alongside each other, not against each other. She’ll have a say in that as well and you can’t make her feel the way you want her to, so if she’s not on board, this won’t work. Your parents and other family members have to be fully invested in this dynamic. You have to make sure you all communicate this way with everyone else who will have their remarks to make about the different results you get in the same discipline.

I can think of some families with siblings riding in the same discipline. If you know of some and all is harmonious with their situation, talk to those families and find out how they make it work.

If you are still hesitating after a long consideration, I think probably your inner instincts are clear but just not what you wanted. Listen to your inner voice - if it is “stop”, then find another discipline to broaden you and your horse, and support your sister enthusiastically in what she does.

And by the way, that is the bottom line - unqualified support without criticism between the sisters, whatever discipline each is riding. Let the trainers take care of anything that needs to be changed. If currently either sister is offering criticism to the other, it’s probably at the root of a lot of sensitivity. Today is always a good day to start making things better from now on!

Good luck in your riding future!

[Flash44]

I absolutely agree with OverandOnward. You are very kind and considerate to look at the situation from your sister’s eyes. For whatever reason, she feels territorial about the western division, in a “Marsha Marsha Marsha” kind of way.

Are you the older sister? Maybe she constantly feels overshadowed by you, which can be very normal. Can you pick maybe one western class to do if you really want to stretch out a bit, ie trail or horsemanship? Can you do something totally different, like obstacle courses or judged trail rides? Good luck with your situation.

[Beverley]

I was the older sister, and little sis and I were always thick as thieves on the horses, because we were the only two horsey people in the family and if we wanted to show, we needed to handle the logistics, bum rides, pay entry fees, etc. We are far enough apart age-wise that we were usually in different classes, but we were always rooting for each other and other friends that were showing against us. So I suppose my take on your sister’s ‘sensitivity’ is she should get over that, and you should get over worrying about it and Just Do It. Show in the classes you want to show in, there is no need to walk on eggshells here. Frankly if I got beat by my sister or a friend, I was happy for them. Heck, I once got beat for high point at an FFA show by a friend, because I talked her into doing poles and barrels with me to get more points, and she beat me in the barrels, thus edging me by one point. Such is life!

[Flash44]

I just got back from a Bingo night that benefits my sister’s son’s baseball team. I am so glad that as adults, she and I are so close and such great friends. I can count on her for anything, and no ribbon or trophy is worth the relationship that we have. She is one of my best friends ever and NOTHING is as wonderful with being a great friend with a close relative. You share so much growing up, and if you need to make a few concessions here and there when you are young, do it. It’s totally worth it.

[NoSuchPerson]

My sister and I fought like cats and dogs growing up. We pummeled each other routinely, called each other vile names, and if we weren’t fighting, we were pretending the other didn’t exist. As adults, we are great friends.

You don’t have to roll over and be a doormat in order to ensure a future friendly relationship. And always being the one to make concessions in a relationship quite often leads to eventual bitterness that will sabotage your future relationship.

But, none of us know anything about the true dynamics of the OP’s family relationships. The OP and maybe her parents are the only ones who can make a truly informed decision about what to do.

[OverandOnward]

[QUOTE=NoSuchPerson;8020950]
…
But, none of us know anything about the true dynamics of the OP’s family relationships. The OP and maybe her parents are the only ones who can make a truly informed decision about what to do.[/QUOTE]

Agree with this!

OP, what do your parents say about this? If they haven’t taken a position, perhaps you could just ask them what their thoughts are, what they see as the pros and cons. Say clearly that you aren’t asking for a decision, just what they think about it.

And you say your sister changes the subject rather than saying what she is really thinking. Open up communications with her. Tell her you haven’t made a decision, but you just want to know: What would she think if you showed in “her” division? Listen - don’t interrupt - whatever she is saying, however she is saying it, just let her get it ALL out. Accept her feelings as valid for her, even if you wouldn’t feel that way in her place. Make her feelings important because she is important.

Sometimes we assume we know what someone is thinking - but that isn’t what they are thinking at all! It is easy to mis-read signals if you aren’t talking about it.

[Emilia]

You are coming with the exactly same issue at exactly same time, only one year later (actually, a couple of days difference):

http://www.chronofhorse.com/forum/showthread.php?428071-Wanting-to-show-western-but&p=7412315#post7412315

Last year, you ran two threads on this, then another thread, when you thought about getting out of horses altogether (but there you got upset about drama).

Of course, you may run as many threads on this topic as you wish, but I cannot help, but notice a pattern.

So, what is it? Winter blues? Submarine sickness aggravating sibling rivalry?

I still think, you have family issues that extend beyond, who rides which equestrian discipline.

Nobody on this forum can help you resolve those. We do not know the dynamics, only one family member’s take on it (you).

Whatever it is, I wish you all find a peaceful resolution.

[huntseat3]

[QUOTE=Emilia;8021137]
You are coming with the exactly same issue at exactly same time, only one year later (actually, a couple of days difference):

http://www.chronofhorse.com/forum/showthread.php?428071-Wanting-to-show-western-but&p=7412315#post7412315

Last year, you ran two threads on this, then another thread, when you thought about getting out of horses altogether (but there you got upset about drama).

Of course, you may run as many threads on this topic as you wish, but I cannot help, but notice a pattern.

So, what is it? Winter blues? Submarine sickness aggravating sibling rivalry?

I still think, you have family issues that extend beyond, who rides which equestrian discipline.

Nobody on this forum can help you resolve those. We do not know the dynamics, only one family member’s take on it (you).

Whatever it is, I wish you all find a peaceful resolution.[/QUOTE]

I am aware that I brought this up before. And never did I ever consider getting out of horses, selling one maybe. I think I had reason to be upset, I had many people acting poorly towards me. But that’s the past.

[huntseat3]

Just to clarify, the only issue sister and I have is this. We get along really really well otherwise. I’m not asking for family therapy, just suggestions on this one topic

[propspony]

Well, you’ve said you have the nicer horse. She probably does’t think she can compete against you. So, here’s my question to you. ARE you only wanting to go into that division so that you can beat her? Honestly?

Just wondering.

[Emilia]

[QUOTE=huntseat3;8021270]
Just to clarify, the only issue sister and I have is this. We get along really really well otherwise. I’m not asking for family therapy, just suggestions on this one topic :)[/QUOTE]

OK then. Perhaps, what you need is not a family therapy, you need to work on yourself and your self-esteem.

You see, these threads make you look like you are looking for a “prep talk,” seeking someone, who will help you “build yourself up” to face your little sister. However, that strength does not come, when you round up enough people to support your opinion. It must come from within.

You got a lot of good practical help last year already and still did not seem to act on any of it.

Well, you may be ready this time. Good luck!

[huntseat3]

[QUOTE=propspony;8021277]
Well, you’ve said you have the nicer horse. She probably does’t think she can compete against you. So, here’s my question to you. ARE you only wanting to go into that division so that you can beat her? Honestly?

Just wondering.[/QUOTE]

Nope, not at all

[huntseat3]

Look guys, I’m just looking for as much advice here as possible.

[huntseat3]

I don’t have the nicer horse. Our horses are completely different and both nice horses. We wouldn’t be in the same classes anyway. I don’t care if I beat her or not. I care about improving myself and my horse.