Kinda rule of thumb: take your feet out of the stirrups, softly let your leg hand (you’ll already have some bend in your knee) and flex your ankle / raise your toes up. That’s about where your stirrups should be. You don’t want to feel like youre stretching and reaching for your stirrups and if you do two point your crotch should be out of the saddle. Seems like the saddle is too small for you and doesn’t fit but I get that’s the saddle you have to ride in. Yea, changing to shorter stirrups for your ride might help. It’s so easy for your trainer to swap out leathers for your ride.
I think “earning” long stirrups is a poor way to put it, as though it’s some kind of prize or reward. The reality is that one has to get used to riding in a different position and gradually let the stirrups down. Eventually we all find the best length for us as individuals. If you look at photos of dressage riders, you will see a great range in the thigh angle and amount of bend in their knees – some ride with a very straight leg, and some with a lot less thigh angle and a lot of bend in the knee, and everything in between as well.
These are pictures of Olympic dressage riders. You will see that most have a pretty good bend in their knees; very few ride with a straight leg. https://www.google.com/search?q=dressage+riders&tbm=isch&hl=en&chips=q:dressage+riders,g_1:olympic:eOcHpsYJWvM%3D&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwix78HUvN7wAhXDJ6wKHVXIBMoQ4lYoAnoECAEQHQ&biw=1583&bih=757
So yes, shorten your stirrups a few holes if you feel you are “reaching” for the irons. You will eventually want to lengthen them as you get more comfortable in the dressage saddle. And yes, it’s quite possible that your trainer’s saddle, combined with a too-long stirrup, is the cause of your problem.
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An anti-chafe cream that has worked for me is Chamois Butt’r. I was riding a couple horses for friends this winter and their saddles absolutely destroyed me until I started applying that before rides (one of them bought a nice new saddle right after I stopped riding the horse, of course!). It doesn’t sting even if you’re already a bit chafed. I say ditch the jeans and check your position too, but a topical is also worth a try.
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I had that problem it was my seat - I was too far forward - not on my butt - and not balanced - which is obvious - the saddle I rode in at first whereI had this problem - I changed - and the other wasn’t so comfortable either… so… is it me or the saddle? I then went back to the original saddle and didn’t have the problem to that degree… again- until I didn’t sit correctly or balance correctly. It’s training… and a good dressage trainer can teach how to sit riding dressage
If it’s due to chaffing/rubbing I second the chamoix cream. I ride my bike to the barn and the cream is now a necessity when getting dressed. I bought this one because I figured if I’ve reached the point of needing butt cream then I might as well splurge: https://www.amazon.com/Muc-Off-Luxury-Chamois-Cream/dp/B016MPM1RG/ref=sr_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=cc+chamois+cream&qid=1621856520&sr=8-5
Strongly suggest you talk to your trainer about this if changing from jeans to breeches doesn’t solve the problem (which it probably won’t totally, if it’s that bad.) They may well have an alternative saddle that you can use.
The one you are riding in is just not a fit for you–whether too large, too small, not the right balance or whatever, but you can’t learn a darned thing like this.
I’ve just been saddle-hunting for a new horse. The lovely Custom that fit the horse perfectly and everyone else said was ideal was just not the shape for me at all!
jelly panz…try them!
1,000% this! I swear by this stuff especially when riding multiples in one day.
Weirdly, I’ve found the Chamois Butt’r to help even when I thought the issue was pressure/bruising rather than chafing. Can’t explain why though!
Just curious … is your trainer a man?
Nope. Young lady, she’s smaller than me so her saddle be a bit small for me.
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I suffered similarly with one trainer’s Isabell. Maxi pads helped a little but a different saddle, small but flatter than the Isabell and with no knee blocks, was very comfortable.
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Definitely think it’s the riding in jeans ( crotch seem no go) as the first culprit and second would be the saddle. Try riding in breeches / legging first and if it is still a problem,
Then look at the saddle.
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Not a suggestion to help, but I did find that when I got back on after having my baby I got very saddle sore under my seatbones. Same horse, same saddle. I’m sure lack of core strength and maybe sitting in more of a chair seat because of it contributed to the issue, but weight does not come off the same way it’s put on after kids and I think I just lost all my butt padding and now it sits in my tummy region 
Hope the above suggestions can get you more comfortable.
Heard good things about this product… heard about it on Heels Down Happy Hour Podcast 
Yes Jelly Panz are helpful and Vaseline too. The very most helpful is to wear two pair of cotton underpants, you’ll have a great deal of relief!!
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Thanks for all your help. I finally got my breeches in, and I shortened my stirrups. It was a much better ride!!!
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Yay!
