Special Snowflake Syndrome

[Caol_Ila]

The strangest and saddest thing I ever saw related to this topic is someone I knew who had two daughters, aged 12 and 15. Mum thought the 12-year old was God’s gift to equestrianism. She’d bought the SUV and trailer, she carted the kid off to shows, clinics, annoyed everyone in Pony Club by being ‘that’ over-the-top Horse Show Mum, and took the view that if anything went wrong, it was the fault of the pony, the trainer, the judge, the ex-husband, the older sister, the weather, whatever. The daughter was actually a nice kid, but as she got older, you could see her becoming more like her mother. She was a decent rider, an average rider for her age, but she wasn’t about to make the British Team anytime soon.

Now the 15-year old was a slightly socially awkward kid, who had some behavioural issues, no doubt, and was definitely on the Autism spectrum somewhere but would be very high functioning and fine were it not for her mother. Mum was convinced there was something terribly wrong with this kid. She had her on SSRIs, Ritalin, the works. She would go ‘doctor shopping’ to get the diagnosis and prescription she wanted. She would tell everyone that the kid was “very disabled” and “very troubled” and would do so in front of both daughters. I was talking to the girl once about what she wanted to do after high school, and she said she fancied being a vet tech, but how she couldn’t, “Because I’m disabled.” This was a kid who would probably be a good vet tech, or vet even, or a good researcher in animal behaviour (academia is full of socially awkward people), but her mum had her convinced that she was too disabled to do anything other than menial jobs and live at home forever.

It’s true she had emotional issues and acted out sometimes, but if your mother constantly told you that you were too damaged to be useful, while treating your sister like the next Beezie Madden, you would too.

I suppose the ‘Special Snowflake’ here is Mum, who thought she had the most talented kid in the world and the most disabled. She used to whinge about how difficult it was to foster the younger kid’s amazing talent because she had to take care of the older one. I felt sorry for both those lassies.

[coloredhorse]

@tabula rashah

This is part of the special snowflake problem. There are plenty of reputable places out there where one may “gasp” practice jumps without a trainer present.

I agree. I work on horses at a lot of eventing barns and the clients who are skilled enough to show … including those under the age of 18 … are generally given both flat and jumping homework to work on in between lessons. It’s far more common than not to see riders of all ages putting in independent jumping schools.

I personally find the “no jumping without a trainer” rule that many speak of to be weird for any but the rankest of beginners. If a rider is able to go solo into a ring and get around a course competently, s/he probably doesn’t need handholding every second of the day outside the ring.

[Malda]

@trubandloki

Snowflakes have been around since … well… forever. Did you not watch Little House on the Prairie at all?

That’s what I was thinking. Except back in my day they were called “spoiled”.

[abrant]

@coloredhorse

I agree. I work on horses at a lot of eventing barns and the clients who are skilled enough to show … including those under the age of 18 … are generally given both flat and jumping homework to work on in between lessons. It’s far more common than not to see riders of all ages putting in independent jumping schools.

I personally find the “no jumping without a trainer” rule that many speak of to be weird for any but the rankest of beginners. If a rider is able to go solo into a ring and get around a course competently, s/he probably doesn’t need handholding every second of the day outside the ring.

It’s an insurance issue. A minor jumping 3’3" on a LEASED horse without being taught (ie under the trainer’s liability coverage) is an insurance nightmare for any barn. 20 years ago when I was a kid there was generally no limitations on jumping at barns, but today’s world is a different world.

Besides the insurance issues, in a “program” the trainer should understand that the leased horse is getting no benefit out of jumping 3’3"-3’6" multiple times a week. In fact, the trainer in having a good horse like that would prefer the wear and tear on the horse be minimized as much as possible. Horses don’t need to be drilled over fences, this is not something that your average teenager understands so as a rule - most reputable barns don’t give them free rein especially with a horse they don’t own.

At my barn we don’t have that rule - but I still only jump school once maybe twice a week and well below max height. I’m also a 34 year old whose romantic impulsiveness regarding horses is long, long gone.

But whatever, let’s just say that the OP is totally legit. IMHO the situation could have been resolved with helping the student set goals to be met to begin jumping rather than telling the student they were not ready and allow the situation to escalate. If you don’t like kids don’t teach. Kids are horrible. That’s why I don’t have any. It doesn’t have anything to do with the current world or current parenting, it’s just reality.

[msbecky521]

I’m so the opposite kind of parent. If you don’t groom it, tack it and clean up after it, you don’t ride it. If you don’t place well, you’d better not blame the horse/judge, etc, because I will NOT mollycoddle you. You will find out from our trainer what went wrong, and you will try again not to make the same mistakes. If our trainer tells you to work on something between now and your next lesson (we have the opportunity to ride the horses where I work for free - a separate location from where we take lessons), you’d better work on it, because she can TELL if you’ve been working hard and will compliment you on your improvements. They have learned that their hard work is rewarded. I hope that learning to always give 100% when it comes to horses will spill over into any other area of their lives that is important to them.

[Sunsets]

Special snowflakes/spoiled brats are annoying, for sure, but I can usually ignore them. What really pisses me off is when they ignore their horses’ needs.

Our teenage barn Princess would ride in a lesson outdoors in the summer in the Texas heat and humidity, then head back to barn, crosstie her mare on the outdoor porch, and disappear into the tack room (the only air-conditioned place in the barn), complaining of feeling faint. Her mom would follow her in and coddle her. Meanwhile her poor mare would patiently stand in the crossties, dripping with sweat, still fully tacked, until The Princess was recovered enough from her exertions to hose her down. Her mom would carry her saddle back to the tack room, it was just too heavy for her 15 year old daughter to lift.

The Princess, in the usual way of teenagers who know very little, also thought she knew it all. She scoffed at me after I told a story about falling off, bragging that she’d never hit the dirt in HER riding career. Karma caught up to her, and she got dumped at the canter a couple of weeks later. I really REALLY wanted to point and laugh at her, but she was shocked and scared and hurting so I acted like an adult and helped her mom get her patched up and got her horse put away. But man, I was tempted…

[BatCoach]

@Caol Ila

T

Now the 15-year old was a slightly socially awkward kid, who had some behavioural issues, no doubt, and was definitely on the Autism spectrum somewhere but would be very high functioning and fine were it not for her mother. Mum was convinced there was something terribly wrong with this kid. She had her on SSRIs, Ritalin, the works. She would go ‘doctor shopping’ to get the diagnosis and prescription she wanted. She would tell everyone that the kid was “very disabled” and “very troubled” and would do so in front of both daughters. I was talking to the girl once about what she wanted to do after high school, and she said she fancied being a vet tech, but how she couldn’t, “Because I’m disabled.” This was a kid who would probably be a good vet tech, or vet even, or a good researcher in animal behaviour (academia is full of socially awkward people), but her mum had her convinced that she was too disabled to do anything other than menial jobs and live at home forever.
.

Yikes. Sounds like a mild case of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. (note I am not a Dr, nor do I play one on TV, but according to WebMD:

The person with MSP gains attention by seeking medical help for exaggerated or made-up symptoms of a child in his or her care. As health care providers strive to identify what’s causing the child’s symptoms, the deliberate actions of the mother or caretaker can often make the symptoms worse.

The key is the parent is doing it to gain attention at the expense of the child.

[Palm_Beach]

It’s in all sports, and follows them into college and beyond.

http://www.cnn.com/2017/03/22/health/uconn-basketball-auriemma-video-youth-sports-parenting/index.html

[TequilaMockingbird]

There’s a name for it and it applies to more than just sports.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning–Kruger_effect

[DrBeckett]

@kcmel, not sure what my posting rate has to do with anything. Can you explain. I was just pointing out that every time a newbie posts something, someone points out that they are a newbie and therefore, they are obviously a troll. I was saying that you have over 5,000 posts (waaaay more than I do), and you weren’t born with that many. You had to start as a newbie, too.