My new horse is all that but just doesn’t seem that into me. I’ve had him 6 months. I’ve fed him lots of treats. Spent time just hanging out - not doing work. He loves his equine brother, but me, I’m meh.
Has anyone had luck establishing a deep relationship with a horse where there wasn’t that instant connection?
A ‘heart horse’ is something you construct, not the horse. They’ll always like another horse more than you. By feeding lots of treats, though, you might become the purveyor of treats, which is a useful person to have in their lives (in their minds), but not necessarily their ‘heart human’ or a human they’ll work for. My horse loves anyone who gives her treats and won’t get out of their face, which is why I don’t give her any because I’d like to get things done sometimes.
I want a trusting relationship with a horse where we can do stuff together, be it hacking, dressage, jumping, whatever, without any arguments or issues. If I ask, she responds easily and positively. Focus on that and you might get a deep relationship with the horse, or you might get a quietly obedient horse who doesn’t ‘love’ you but is a nice person to be around. Depends on the horse.
To answer your other question, a horse can learn to like you more. I’m pretty sure my first horse, a QH mare I got when I was 13, didn’t like me much the first couple years I had her. I was a dumb teenager hoping the horse would love me because I loved her. She didn’t. My horsemanship improved with lessons and boarding with people who knew their stuff, and so did my relationship with that horse. I don’t think feeding her treats and “just hanging out” would have done a thing, though. Learning how to communicate with the horse, read her, deal with problems, and work with her did.
I don’t think being a treat dispenser does much to foster anything but a horse coming up to you wanting treats. They are useful in clicker training as well, but in terms of relationship-building, treats are probably going to get you into more trouble than they are worth.
It takes time. And patience. And working together. I think grooming would be better than treats. Find the itchy spot, do a little massage. Hand walk down the trails. Do some thoughtful ground work. Offer the horse some peace. I find trail riding to be a relationship-builder with me and my horses. We get away from the farm and other horses, I’m not asking for much from a performance perspective (not like schooling in the arena), and it is just the two of us out there exploring nature. I have to trust the horse and the horse has to trust me. Those are the times I feel “closest” to my horses.
Oh, and taking care of a horse during an injury or illness is also a bonding experience, although one I’m sure none of us actually want!
I think you are misunderstanding the term “heart horse.” Horses are not dogs. Horses are in general, far more attached to their herd mates than they are to any human. Heart horses are often simply loved and respected for what/who they are, not because of any “love” on the horse’s part. Many “heart horses” could happily go to another similarly kind owner and be perfectly content. That’s not to say that the relationship is one-sided, it’s just that horses give back differently. Horses give back through their presence in our lives–often steady, sometimes entertaining, sometimes challenging. They give back by being working partners. While horses don’t speak or have much interest in human language, the subtle physical language between a rider and their horse can be a part of a very deep partnership. Whether competing or going on long trail rides, trust and understanding develops between the horse the the rider.
However, horses can, of course, develop relationships with specific people. I think the best place to start is to try to develop an amicable, trusting relationship with the horse. Horses like people that are predictable and consistent and communicate what they want in a reasonable (by horse standards) fashion. Horses also like people that are “considerate,” for example someone who when grooming, itches the itchy spots and grooms gently the ticklish spots. Maintaining discipline and standards of behavior is important for a good relationship, because horses typically like their “higher ups” better than those beneath them. Horses also generally like to work, so don’t hesitate to work and train your horse. Treats are not necessary. A lot of owners really enjoy giving their horse treats, and then like to mistake the horse’s enthusiasm for the treats as “proof” that the horse “loves” them or as proof that they have a special relationship with the horse.
It takes time. And sensitivity. You’ve got to be able to speak horse, which takes about as long to develop as an independent seat. My mare would rather share my space, than the space of her pasture mates, and comes when I call her and she lives out on 15 acres with a pond and trees. But it didn’t come easy. We’ve spent lots of time together both on the ground and under ß saddle, in all different sorts of situations.
My mare decided to be more attentive to me, “into me” you might say, once I established myself as the dominant partner between the two of us. There was a moment when she actually challenged me, and I won.
Some horses are bred to be competition partners, not warm fuzzies. They don’t warm up quickly to anybody even though they will perform well for them. In time, even those really get to know and trust their primary person, in ways, I prefer that to a puppy dog type who’s true motive is looking for treats.
I do think if you keep at home and do all of your own work, they will get closer to you but not so sure it’s not food and comfort motivated more then affection. They aren’t dogs.
Also think “heart horse” doesn’t mean especially affectionate or friendly to those that have owned many and worked with even more owned by others. To be honest, don’t really like the term heart horse…it’s like deciding which house pet that shared your bed for years meant more to you then all the others. We like them in different ways influenced by our own life circumstances during our guardianship of them. I had the worst time putting down a cat that comforted me thru a bad divorce, new career and moving 3 times. But it wasn’t the best cat I ever had, just had memories attached to it.
Growing up, my dad bought my sister and I a horse to keep on our farm. But he was an old school country boy who thought you just got on and rode, so he didn’t see any reason to “waste” money on riding lessons. The little horse was cute as a button and gentle enough for us greenhorns to ride without getting hurt (this is honestly some kind of miracle), but he was standoffish and didn’t like us at all. After college when I had my own income, I decided to take riding lessons. After a few months of lessons, I brought this horse to the training barn where my trainer coached me with him full time for 5 months. He was a completely different horse at the end. He had been standoffish and hard to catch. Now, he LOVED to stand around getting pet and just hanging out. Under saddle he had been nervous, distracted, and poorly behaved. Now he was a cool cucumber packer that was as close to bomb proof as a horse could get.
What changed? Nothing with the horse. The trainer didn’t even teach him any skills that he didn’t already have (he’s just a pasture trail riding horse). I changed. I learned how to communicate with him. Horses are herd animals (obviously). In a natural herd, their status and relationship dynamics are always changing. They are always looking around for the leader and deciding of it is themselves. When you ride, you become part of that dynamic. My horse’s problem was that he never knew where he stood with me. That uncertainty made him uncomfortable. Since he felt like he could only rely on himself for leadership, he preferred to be away from me and my confusing signals.
My opinion is that just hanging out with your horse and feeding him treats is an unstructured activity. You aren’t doing anything to effectively communicate to your horse where he stands in your relationship. This does not mean that you need to completely dominate him, or that you should never feed treats. More, that you are likely to see your “relationship” grow as you spend more time in structured training activities so that your horse can learn that he can trust your leadership.
However, note that horses are individuals. Some really like people and some aren’t affectionate. But strive to develop a good working relationship with your horse and see where that takes you. Good luck!
To clarify. I do work with him on ground manners - no pushy behavior allowed - and I don’t just feed treats and groom. We go on trail walks (he’s not quite broke, so I’m not riding him). I’m just looking for the same depth of relationship as I have with my older horse who looks to me first and foremost for love and leadership - with him we were an instant team.
I think this is an interesting question.
My definition of a heart horse is that the horse and I “click” and we read each other very well. I’ve had two heart horses and they trusted me more than anyone else. One of them I rode for three years and never had a single problem, yet she spooked with other riders and could be stubborn. She had a severe pulling back problem and couldn’t be tied, yet for me she’d stand quietly anywhere I placed her (without tying). If someone else tried to place her she’d walk off. If I slapped my leg twice she’d follow me, I never officially trained her to do that, it just sort of happened. She never showed any signs of affection, but the exceptional communication was there. It took several months to reach that point, and I really loved her.
My Icelandic, I knew after my first ride that he was going to be a heart horse. When he was upset about something he’d flip his lip at me, he didn’t do this to anyone else. I quickly learned that I needed to do something when he flipped his lip. I was the only one who could touch his ears. When I arrived at the barn stressed out from work, he’d give me “pony kisses”, i.e. wiggling his nose on me. I will always miss him.
I don’t think you can create a heart horse, much like you can’t create a best friend, it just works out that way. If a horse actually “didn’t like me”, i.e. we didn’t “click”, I’d probably sell it to someone who was a better match. This actually happened to a friend who sold a really nice hunter because it just didn’t work between them. The new owner is happy and the horse is performing better.
Animals have personalities and sometimes they click with ours. Much like people, we may have lots of friends, but only a few are best, closest friends.
The horse I had as a teen was not a touchy-feely-puppy dog type. He liked treats, but he liked them from anyone. He didn’t love grooming, although he did like some light massage. Grazing was great; being tethered to a human who kept following him around while he did it… not so much.
It took about a year before I stopped trying to turn him into something that he wasn’t and began respecting him for what he was. The moment I did that, our partnership took off.
We never did reach a point where we were snuggling after lessons or anything like that, and I could leave for two weeks on vacation and come back and barely get a twitch of the ear from him. But when we went to work–he knew instantly what I needed from him that day and I knew instantly what he needed from me, and in the few years I showed him after that, he took me from cross rails up to 3’ and from Training to Second Level Dressage.
OP, your horse might just not be an emotionally demonstrative horse. He might never come running across the paddock to greet you. But that doesn’t mean you can’t build a relationship with him. It might be different than you ever expected it be, but it may still run very, very deep and impact your life for a long time.
Horses have different personalities. My QH Brownie definitely “chose” me. He was at a dealers and I had my two young sons with me. I rode him and he was okay but he was one homely horse. Short ewe neck and big head. I got off him, unsaddled him, turned him out and walked away. He gave a huge blast of a whinny, the loudest, more imploring whinny I ever heard. He was begging me to take him so I did. But he wasn’t cuddly. He wasn’t even particularly friendly. He wanted to get the job done and do it well. Years ago there was a tv police detective who would say, “Just the facts, ma’m. Just the facts.” That summed Brownie up perfectly until one day we were in the middle of thirty jumps over our fox hunting country doing a Hunter Pace event jumping solid wood chicken coops about 3’8’ tall and 5’ wide. A serious jump placed over a sturdy fence. No way to run out or avoid it once we were committed. We cantered to it but there was a tiny ditch in front of the jump and Brownie jumped the ditch and landed smack in front of the coop with no take off space and a lot of momentum. He jumped straight up in the air like a deer and somehow made it over the chicken coop. I stayed on but came down in front of the saddle. I could feel his disgust with me. Oh good grief, he was thinking, now I’ll have to fix her up before she falls off. He gave a big jump over nothing, arching his back and put me right back in the saddle. Thank you, Brownie. Now I knew he loved me even though he hated my nose kisses. I gave him one anyway when we finished the course. (my team came in second). He rolled his eyes, thinking, “Just the facts, ma’m. Just the facts.”
Please don’t ask for what your horse can’t give you emotionally. Love him for who he is. He sounds like a great guy.
To me, a “heart horse” describes how you feel about a horse, not how the horse feels about you.
Your ‘heart horse’ could be a crabby animal who doesn’t give you the time of day, but perhaps you inexplicably love them deeply and they are unforgettable to you. Some things in life are irrational and that’s fine.
It makes me think of one of my favorite Carson McCullers quote (which I edited to read “creature” instead of “human creature”) so I’m using this as an excuse to throw it out there.
[I][B]"First of all, love is a joint experience between two persons — but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved. There are the lover and the beloved, but these two come from different countries. Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love which had lain quiet within the lover for a long time hitherto …
Let it be added here that this lover about whom we speak need not necessarily be a young man saving for a wedding ring — this lover can be man, woman, child, or indeed any creature on this earth."[/B][/I]
But you are asking “how do I make my horse love me”? I don’t there’s an answer to that, but you can certainly have boundless love for your horse.
Good post. Anthropomorphism - horses are not humans so they should not be expected to act like them or have human emotions. Especially when you get into the “he loves me so he would never hurt me.” That doesn’t work with people, and doesn’t work with horses either.
Very true ^^^.
The “he loves me so he would never hurt me.” idea is completely false. Most murders among humans are by those close, who “love” the victim.
A horse may be attached in a way that it will try to get close to you out of insecurity, and that causes safety issues. People get hurt that way - “He just wants to be near me and hug me!” NO. That safety zone has to be there. A young, insecure horse may be allowed a little leaway at first, but the distance should be installed as he learns.
I’m glad that when I drive up, my mare recognises me and my car, and looks over with an alert expression and “happy ears”, but I don’t think I’d want “horse-dog” or a “horse-kid”.
Horses don’t look to people for love. Horses do look to others (be it people or horses) for leadership. So be the leader and your horse will respect you. When your horse respects you, he is willing to work for you. When he is willing to work for you, time will strengthen your bond and you will develop your own language and form a partnership.
My mustang nickers for me whenever I walk out of the house and will come up to me from his turnout. He is very chatty and I talk to him a lot. He is also a challenging son of a gun to whom I have to assert my leadership every day. We have a partnership in place and I can do liberty work with him or ride him all over hill and dale. But it didn’t come easy and it isn’t a “loving” relationship. I must have his respect or it will not be pretty.
A heart horse refers to your feelings of a horse being very special to you and perhaps a once-in-a-lifetime horse. The horse itself doesn’t put those kinds of judgments on people. They “like” (respect and will follow as their leader) people who are consistent and fair. Be that and see where it takes you.
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