Struggling With Depression

[KandC]

About to enter the real world (well, an internship), and for the first time in about 12 years, I’ve found myself riding once a week, and it’s not going well. I feel empty, dull, and lethargic.

In a nutshell- riding kept me stable and motivated to keep pushing through my lows, helped get me out of bed and outside, and pushed me to actually take care of my body with diet and exercise. It gave me something to look forward to every morning, and gave me a reason to get up before noon.

Now that I’m only riding once a week, “the badness” is back- lots of sleeping, TV, eating junk or not eating at all, and just fatigue. I could feel myself slide downhill over the last month and a half of riding once a week. I still have my wonderful retired gelding who gets groomed and doted on, but I can’t stand not riding everyday. Financially, a second “rideable” horse will not be happening for at least 6-9 months, and I can currently only afford once a week lessons; if I knew I could get a handle on my mental health, I would put off a second horse longer, but I am absolutely miserable.

The level of misery is definitely not normal; went to a horse trial last week to support a friend and almost burst into tears I missed it so much.

FWIW- in therapy, on medication. Grateful for a job and a retired gelding- just dealing with emotional instability, in the middle of an emotional crash, and just trying to vent in various places until I feel better. I’m just trying to find a way to function better while riding once a week, and really struggling mentally during this adjustment period.

Any advice is welcome, but please be thoughtful- I’m not trying to be spoiled or entitled, just trying to work through a rocky transition period and just vocalizing the hurt.

[CHT]

I am sorry you are going through this. Sounds like a very rough time, but with some hope in the relatively near future. Venting is good.

perhaps there is a horse that needs some extra riding at no charge? I often look for someone to help exercise horses. Or in trade for tack cleaning or something?

I hope you find a way to cope during these darker days.

[bugsynskeeter]

Do you have anything else you do besides riding? When I was horseless, getting into running and triathlons helped with my depression.

[KandC]

@CHT

perhaps there is a horse that needs some extra riding at no charge? I often look for someone to help exercise horses. Or in trade for tack cleaning or something?

I’m hoping this will happen eventually; I don’t have any connections in the new area I’m moving to in June. I plan on taking a weekly lesson to build a few connections. The right horse usually falls into my lap, but it’s hard to remember that right now.

@bugsynskeeter

Do you have anything else you do besides riding? When I was horseless, getting into running and triathlons helped with my depression.

Nope- not much time for hobbies outside of riding in vet school/undergrad + working part time jobs. I only ran when I was riding 3-4 days a week to stay in shape for riding difficult horses. Running and generally working out makes me irritated/angry- I don’t enjoy it. Riding makes my mind go blank and slow down; running makes it accelerate and fall into circular thoughts. I really wish I did enjoy running, because it’s been the answer for other members of my family.

My life is/was school, some clubs (sorority/medical specialties), riding 3-6 days a week, and working various jobs to afford showing/clinics/tack. Unfortunately, I don’t know what I like outside of horses anymore, because everything else I did prior to horses, I’m either too injured to do (swimming) or got burned out in undergrad (art).

To be frank, it just sucks to have developed a coping mechanism that is relatively healthy, and then lose it for reasons out of your control. The idea of having a horse to ride is what drives me to do well in school/at work, so I can continue to afford my hobby. Unfortunately, the next step in my career requires me to take a not-so-great salary for a year or more in order to build a sustainable future. Rationally, I know I’m doing the right thing and it will be okay in the end, but depression doesn’t listen and all I see is a pointless existence.

It’s just frustrating to know rationally everything will be okay, but have the depression overpowering that part of your thoughts.

[bugsynskeeter]

It sounds like you do best with something to keep your mind occupied. Have you tried doing a new sport? Biking, rowing, pilates, yoga - something with a mental aspect to it as well?

My mind goes blank when I run, just me and the pavement. But I understand that it isn’t for everyone.

Is there a local animal rescue or shelter you can go to and help them walk dogs?

ETA - I too struggle with depression and am on medication. Sometimes the hardest times for me are the ones where I’m struggling with getting to the point in the future where it will be ok.

[BUSY]

I found volunteering at a therapeutic riding program always brightens my days -

The kids smiling and excited to be given ‘mobility’ riding a horse - it’s just a wonderful experience for all ! IMHO

Any interest ? Please consider this - helping others often helps people cope with their own depression or issues.

Good Luck with your move - Jingles !

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

I know there is a lot going on and offering practical solutions isn’t always the best thing to do but the first thing that popped in my head is to ask if the facility where you ride might have some other options for you to ride more. Maybe working some of the horses with owners that can’t come down to ride everyday? Or working off lessons somehow? Even just talking to them and explaining your situation (not the depression, just that you are used to riding more, have financial constraints, and would love to help out if they need any horses ridden, even if it is just light exercise).

[CorazonLock]

Sending hugs - I know how much mental illness sucks. My anxiety relapsed last year, and only now am I tentatively starting to come out of it. It is so difficult when your brain tries playing tricks on you!!

My thoughts definitely echo above posters about asking around the barn if anyone needs an exercise rider. You could also post in a local Facebook horse group to see if anyone is looking for someone to exercise horses.

I really struggle in the winter when I can’t ride because it’s too cold, so I can relate when it comes to losing your coping mechanism. For me, keeping my mind busy really helps keep the anxiety down. I’ve taken up baking and gardening. It’s not a replacement for riding, but they both keep me entertained.

I hate exercise as much as you do, and while hypocritical, if you can find another form of exercise you don’t completely despise, exercising is supposed to be as effective as medication.

A few few other thoughts - Have you had your thyroid checked and is it possible your hormone levels are off (assuming you’re female)? Are you missing any key vitamins? My hormones were completely whacked out, and since I’ve been on birth control for just a week, I’ve been feeling so much better.

Also, Google pyroluria. My doctor just brought this up to me, and it hits home. Just something to think about.

[KandC]

Once I’m settled, I definitely plan on asking for more saddle time- I love flatting horses, and really love green ones, so that works in my favor.

I’ll look into volunteering at an animal shelter or therapeutic riding program- it’s hard when your job is interacting with people and animals all day- I’m an introvert and the barn lets me recharge. It might be good to look beyond myself though.

Bloodwork has all been normal except for an MTHFR gene mutation (doctor and I were really digging for answers).

Overall, thank you for your kind words- I feel like I’m on the incline of a rollercoaster. It all seems like a bad idea, but once I get going, I’m hoping I’ll enjoy the ride. I hope during the time that I’m cutting back my saddle time will be beneficial- I have a lot of anxiety while riding (hilarious!) about jumping and being perfect so perhaps cutting back will let me work through them. You just get beaten down when you’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for over half your life and you finally get a handle on it to the point that you’re almost normal, then poof, back into the vicious cycle.

[Zu_Zu]

(( hugs)) laced with strength and patience ~

Jingles & AO for your new life in your new location ~

[Magicboy]

You deserve praise and love for just persisting…depression is a wicked malady. Take care of yourself.

[CorazonLock]

@KandC

You just get beaten down when you’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for over half your life and you finally get a handle on it to the point that you’re almost normal, then poof, back into the vicious cycle.

I hear you so much on this. This was exactly how I felt before my last relapse. It is incredibly difficult sometimes, so kudos for you for being able to move and do all these things…I’d like to move myself but haven’t been able to convince myself to do that for fear it would cause total relapse.

I also get anxiety when riding - do you find it helps to be instructed because it keeps your brain busy?

I really do wish you the best.

[KandC]

@CorazonLock

I also get anxiety when riding - do you find it helps to be instructed because it keeps your brain busy?

Oddly enough, I prefer to ride alone. I give myself “mini-lessons” in my head. Lessons with a trainer make me a little more nervous because I want to do everything correctly. The mini-lessons/constant flow of correction for myself really settles my brain and helps me relax because I am 100% focused on my ride. Lessons get tricky because I’m almost hyper-focused and more likely to pick to distances/look down/lean.

[Horse_Rider]

I totally understand. Riding is the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes, and it has helped me through depression and anxiety the way nothing else could. I actually quit clinical practice because it piled on to my issues, while also robbing me of time to do the one thing that helped me deal with life’s little terrible moments.

The best I can say is, try to make time where you can. Offer to clean stalls, or whatever it takes to just be near horses, because I find that works. Hopefully your internship is not as harsh as the ones many of my friends went through, and they’ll understand you need time out of the hospital. Maybe you can find a half lease on something that just needs a little light riding so that you won’t feel bad for not being able to do it consistently, but you have an opportunity when you have time. You may need to give up more focused training like jumping, and instead trail ride. The average internship doesn’t leave much in the way of energy for intense riding.

Also, are you a member of Not One More Vet on Facebook? It’s a support group for getting through the day, with a focus on preventing suicide. If you want to send me a PM, I’ll invite you on. You have to give up some anonymity, sorry, but the group is worth it to me.

[KandC]

Thankfully, I was able to ride 1-2 horses 3-6 days a week in vet school while working 12-48 hours a week (12 hours as a student technician, 48 hours on overnights as an after hours receptionist/technician in the large animal ER). I have a tendency to make time for horses- it’s worth it to me. Being around horses is so hard, because it just makes me sad. I’ll have my retired gelding with me, but he is no longer jumping or doing much beyond a fun ride 1-2 times a month.

Unfortunately, the depression stems from being financially unable to ride as much as I would like; I have always been able to find the time, but it’s harder to materialize funds from thin air vs. 2-3 hours a day! The depression comes from feeling trapped and unable to change my situation (aka cash flow) for a year or so, until I am able to pick up relief shifts. Once I can start working relief shifts, I’m sure I’ll feel so much better.

[Mukluk]

Wishing you the best. Good that you are in therapy and on meds- do you think meds might need to be increased or changed? That may help. I hope your therapist is aware of all that is going on and that your sessions are helping you. I hope you are able to find more riding opportunities- but if not, I hope you will find other good coping mechanisms. There are some very good self help books out there for depression such as the depression workbook. Exercise is helpful for dealing with depression and stress- I think you should try to find something that you enjoy. Watch what you are thinking. Do your thoughts tend to be negative/unhelpful. Try very hard to replace negative/unhelpful thoughts with positive thoughts (your therapist should be helping you with this if this is part of your situation). It can also help to keep a gratitude journal- write down all the things you can think of for which you are grateful. Be nice to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Your are welcome to pm me if you like.