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Suggestions for ending lease with toxic owner. And for managing the fallout.

Off Course
#21

THANK YOU everyone! Such good advice, and validation too. I’m definitely planning to take the high road (as I’ve been doing this entire lease). Sometimes I’m just at a loss in the face of such rudeness and don’t always think well on my feet. So THANK YOU for the ideas of things to say (and not say!).

And good points about what to do after giving notice. I was planning to continue to ride the leased horse – the owner is definitely clear that she wants him ridden regularly. I was going to play it by ear after that – maybe ride lesson horses while looking for another lease or while trying to find another barn (I’ve done some research on other barns but haven’t visited any). I hadn’t thought about giving notice and completely walking away, so thank you for bringing up this option!

You guys are great. THANK YOU!

4 Likes
#22

I believe from OP has written that they are not “breaking the lease” but exercising the termination clause that is in the lease contract

1 Like
#23

I cannot believe as an adult as this would matter to you. This is a business transaction and you must treat it as such. All you do is give her a letter that your are ending the lease on “blank” date and this is your 30 day notice. No need for any explanation. You do not owe anyone any explanation. Understand that people will gossip about you and say negative things. They already do so. Just like you have called her immature, vindictive and likes to stir up drama. End the lease, keep your mouth shut, and move on.

6 Likes
#24

Don’t continue to ride the horse. That ship has sailed if you terminate. I would flatter her and beg off and be really nice, then leave and find another barn.

5 Likes
#25

I suspect the 30 day period has a specific start time such as the first of a month… Most stall leases are calculated month to month with notice required the month prior to the end date or at the beginning of a month

Read the lease and follow what was agreed upon, just do not assume 30 days just starts at any moment

2 Likes
#26

If this is the case, you have the perfect time to do it with January about to end :wink: (So don’t miss that window if the 1st of the month is the start of the next period!)

2 Likes
#27

So much great advice above.

You already know the personality type you are dealing with, and that there is no fighting it. As for the rest of the world, it may seem that they are in the owner’s pocket, but very probably they are just making the best of the annoyance of having her in the barn. They behave nicely to her because they are nice people, not because they don’t know the truth about her.

Once you are well clear of the situation, very probably the people whose opinion you care about the most will say something along the lines of “We were wondering when you would have had enough and end that lease!”

Once you have given notice, I agree with those who say to get clear of the barn as quickly as possible (not serving out the notice time) and stay away from it. An unfortunate fallout of the situation is no ongoing relationship with it as long as she is there, no lessons, coaching sessions, schooling, etc. Because so long as you are there, you are bait for her to make things awkward. She will, because no one will be allowed to oppose her by doing something like ending a lease on her horse.

Once you are gone it doesn’t matter what she says, you can’t control that. But what other people will hear is not that you are an awful person, but that if this gal backstabs you, she’ll do it to them as well. A few may fall for what she says, but most will be appalled and worried more about their own interactions with her rather than about anything she says about you.

With luck, whatever she says about you, within a few months it will be old news that no one remembers.

2 Likes
#28

OP, I would most certainly NOT continue to ride this horse with a difficult owner after you have given your termination notice. You’ve already described her as looking for drama/trouble, so don’t give her any opportunity to claim that you did X or Y wrong thing with the horse and hurt him or messed up his training. Before I bought my horse, I half-leased nearly a dozen horses in a number of situations, and if things were anything less than totally 100% amicable, I would not continue to ride after notice was given. Period.

As far as your questions, I would use the simple template of I am terminating as of X date, and I will not be riding during the remaining time on the lease. no reason given.

If absolutely pressed for a reason, I would definitely just say that you were ready to learn more from a new horse at this point, or you have other commitments that are preventing you from dedicating that much time right now (if you won’t be riding as much for at least a month or two)

Ideally I would deliver your written notice via email vs face to face, which should hopefully keep her from getting in your face. If the snark is returned digitally, well, just leave her on read, and if she approaches you at the barn after the fact, I would go the “I’m sorry you feel that way” route and remove yourself from the situation if you can, or just focus on the horse you are working with and ignore her. If she stands in the barn aisle harassing you, she is going to look like a fool anyway.

As far as the gossip, oh well. Nothing to do. Don’t worry about telling your side, if people see through her they will know the truth anyway, and if they are in her pocket its just putting fuel on the fire. If it comes up, definitely use the deflect/redirect back to the asker technique and ask them about their upcoming plans with their horse instead. Maybe mention how much you enjoyed riding Horse. Don’t take the bait of how did you put up with her, etc. Its bait.

6 Likes
#29

Sadly, when dealing with a person like this, authenticity, honesty, logic and reason take you nowhere and instead just fuel the drama from the other person as they are often already on the defensive-thus their constant drama and vindictiveness.

Forgive yourself in advance and then lie your teeth out, as this person likely is too emotional unstable to be able to actually listen to the truth. In her insecurity, she wants to feel “safe” and that everyone is her friend and if she doesnt feel safe she likely goes on the offensive to attack those who make her feel threatened.

You love her horse, you love her, you are so grateful for the opportunity she gave you and so appreciative of her help and so excited to take the next step as you explore other horses you are interested in. If she insults you, play oblivious, like you didnt understand it was an insult or even agree with her -you are right, your horse was a bit above my skill level now that I think about it. This isnt about you or your skills-its about dealing with her.

If others ask, themselves looking to get juicy gossip to feed the cycle, tell them how amazing she is and how much you loved her horse, how you have loved the barn, blah blah blah, even driving them to agree with you. Dont even give them a chance to create a wedge to have a negative conversation. Then change the subject or say "oh, Ive got to go pee, be back in a few minutes"or “can you help me with this XYZ” ie turn into a half wit who has the attention span of a butterfly.

While the world would be great if we all acted like rational adults, the reality is that a significant portion of the world just never grows up, and you cant make them grow up, only figure out the best way around their nonsense… And change barns too :slight_smile:

5 Likes
#30

I have done this. Financially it hurt, but was WELL worth it to get out of a toxic situation. BO pulled a bait and switch, Dr Jeckyll/Mr Hyde trick on me. (Gah, I’m STILL mad about those hateful people.) But sometimes it really is totally worth it to just walk away. Pay your money to fulfill your end of the contract, but then be done.

3 Likes
#31

This ^^^. I will never understand why people enable barn drama.

1 Like
#32

I typed the story of my first personal boarding move fiasco and then deleted the whole thing. TMI. I gave 30 day notice in writing and thanked the BO and moved cloudy and Callie right away paying board for both.
I gave copies of my letter to other boarders who all said i should have told BO off.
The BO trashed me to everyone including new boarders with lies about my sexual orientation!!! She had wanted her adult daughter to take Cloudy on the A circuit and I declined.
Take the high road when someone throws mud at you. She’ll trash you but you will be nice.

2 Likes
#33

Give notice, walk away, and go try some other equine discipline. Once the notice is given then, based upon your description of the owner, you’ll have troubles without end. Life is too long to deal with that sort of nonsense. Tell a simple, reasonably true story and move on down the road.

Regarding lies, these are almost always a bad idea. If you catch someone in a lie you forever are on notice that they are a liar and not to be trusted.* If the liar is YOU, guess who now is no longer trusted?

The equine community is actually rather small in most places. You can’t always control what other do or say but you can control what YOU do or say. Don’t do or say things that you would not like to see on your local evening news.

G.

A “lie” is an un-truth, known by the speaker to be an untruth, and told with the intent that the listener rely on it to their detriment. This is also a good definition of fraud. Note that it’s not an opinion, a guess, puffery, or other non-factual statement. The big word is “intent.” Intent to tell an untruth and intent to hurt somebody with that telling. Just not a good idea.

2 Likes
#34

The more you say, lie or truth, tne deeper you get into it with others. And it sounds like there are more then just this owner who are eager to butt into everybody else business.

Give notice and remove yourself from being the target and getting stressed worrying about what to say by just removing yourself from the barn. You are just a lesson client, no horse to move complicating the situation. Just take a break from riding and use the time to find another barn. Keep mouth closed about why you left , nobody’s business and, again, it’s just you, no horse so much easier.

I think once you leave, you are going to realize how much shade the toxic atmosphere and situation was throwing on you. Right now you are too close but, speaking as a boarder for 50 years, sometimes it’s like a huge weight lifted off your shoulders when you leave a barn. You realize it was much worse then you wanted to admit to yourself and was eating at you constantly.

If asked at the new barn, just say it was time for a change and offer no details.

Barn should be your oasis from daily problems. If you worry what’s going to happen every time you go or what people say to you or behind your back ? Wrong barn.

3 Likes
#35

Do not make up a reason. Period.

Not even the horse owner needs a reason from you. Even less so if this person is as you describe them. What do you think you will say as a reason that this person will listen to and actually use?

Give notice. Be polite. Thank the owner for the opportunity to lease their amazing horse. Done.

People who ask nosy questions do not deserve an answer and you telling people the horse owner is difficult does not make you a much better person than the horse owner.
When someone asks you a question that does not deserve an answer just say ‘oh my’ and then change the subject. If they are a good friend you can add in ‘did you mean to say that out loud?’ after the oh my and before the subject change.

People are going to gossip. Nothing you do will change that. Be a better person and real friends will still be real friends.

2 Likes
#36

Why add to the drama which already runs rampant at the barn? All you need to do is send a formal 30 day notice that you are ending the lease.

You can’t control what the owner will say about you. You can’t control what people may or may not think about you.
Frankly, by the way you talk about the barn and the state of the people there , why do you care what they may think at all?

May be a good reason to find a horse in a new barn to lease the next time.

4 Likes
#37

Be sure to review your lease contract before you plan to walk away 30 days out. If there are is a clause in your contract that states that you will exercise the horses or maintain its fitness, for example, you may find yourself in breach of contract.

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#38

It just wasn’t working out. Repeat as often as necessary. That lets folks know that you have a firm boundary that you will not allow them to cross. “Why do you need to know” says the same thing, but it does that with meanness aimed toward them. If I lived in the social snake pit that you do, I would not get into a fight or a side or gossip with those folks. You already are clear about the fact that you can’t win there.

So the bottom line is to choose stalwart pacifism; do not return fire.

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#39

Intelligent pacifism. Don’t engage in verbal combat unless your loss from standing quiet will exceed your loss from speaking. Frankly, that’s not likely to happen in most environments.

G.

6 Likes
#40

I have been in a similar situation as you. The sad news is that there are many people like this in the horse industry and as much as it is a business transaction, there is a lot of emotion involved, so it is hard to remain business-like sometimes.

It sounds like the entire environment at the barn is somewhat toxic. If I were in your shoes I would probably give your 30 days notice of termination, eat the money for the 30 days, and find another barn. Keep in touch with those people that you have a connection with, but be careful not to bad-mouth the horse’s owner to them. They will trust and respect you more for taking the high road. I’m sure it will be hard at first, but once you find a great new barn with a more positive atmosphere, you will breathe a sigh of relief.

One thing I have learned in my adult life is that if someone asks you a question, you don’t have to answer them. You can totally skirt the subject! :). Realizing this was so eye-opening for me!

Best of luck!

2 Likes

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