Menu

Stay in Touch
Sign up for ENews
Subscribe Now

Unlimited access >

Menu

Suggestions for ending lease with toxic owner. And for managing the fallout.

Off Course
#1

The owner of the horse I lease is immature, vindictive, and likes to stir up drama. For example, she once waged a campaign of rudeness, pettiness and gossip to get another boarder to leave. She freely admitted she was doing this. She can be charming if she wants something (e.g., for you to lease her horse). But things can turn for any number of incomprehensible reasons. I’ve always tried to be a rational, mature adult with her. But I’ve just had enough. I really like her sweet horse, but I can’t take her any more.

The lease can be terminated with 30 days’ notice, which I would like to do. The owner will probably respond by telling me that she’s glad, she’s been trying to get me off the lease for months (which I kind of suspect given some escalation in her behavior?). I’m not sure how to respond that. I am also 100% sure that she will bad-mouth me throughout the barn. Unfortunately, some people will probably believe her (the ones who don’t see her terrible side and/or don’t know me). Also some people are scared to get on her bad side, so I might lose some barn friends/acquaintances that way.

Soooo . . . suggestions for (1) what to say when I’m ending the lease, (2) what to say when I’m asked WHY I’m ending the lease, (3) how to respond when she says something like she’s glad I’m ending the lease, and (4) how to manage the fallout when I know people will be talking negatively (and falsely) about me? (I know that some people will tell me things like they don’t know how I put up with her for so long, but even then, I have to be careful how to respond in case her friends are around! This owner can make my life hell if she wants to.)

#2

To end the lease, just write and say that as per the agreement you are giving the required 30 day notice that you are end8ng the lease, confirm date that it ends.

As to why, none of any ones business.

What do you say to anyone else? Nothing, the most you say “it was no longer working out for me”

Its a business arrangement, does not require any more than that.

58 Likes
#3

Yes, in the perfect world, I would say “it was no longer working out for me,” and that’s the end of the story. That’s definitely what I’ll lead with. But I suspect people aren’t going to be satisfied with that answer and will continue to ask for more. WHY wasn’t it working out?

When I’m stuck there grooming and tacking up in the cross ties, I can’t exactly get away. I know following up with this can shut some people down: “Why do you need to know?”

But the horse owner might have a legitimate reason for wanting to know - it might help her with future leases, or it might be something about the horse she needs to know.

So then what? I get stuck there, what to tell the owner when she wants to know why it wasn’t working out.

#4

I agree with @KBC. Just tell outside parties that lease isn’t working for you anymore. If you turn around and look for another lease just say something like “sweet horse was a great ride but I wanted to try something different.”

25 Likes
#5
  1. what KBC said.
  2. “The lease was no longer a good fit for me.” End of story, no further details. If further prodded, just walk away.
  3. I wouldn’t even respond to such cattiness.
  4. If people know that she’s this type of person, and they’re your friend, it won’t affect your relationship. If anyone believes her, treats you differently, etc., well they weren’t a good friend in the first place and good riddance. When people say things like “I don’t know how you put up with her for so long,” just smile and nod and change the subject.
23 Likes
#6

If the owner is as bad as you say, then everyone at your barn knows it, whether they will admit it or not. I agree with just saying that it wasn’t working out for you. Most people will know what you mean by that. If someone keeps asking, just change the subject.

You don’t owe anyone a justification, even the horse owner. If the horse owner says something obnoxious, like that she has been trying to get you off the lease for months, just say “I am sorry to hear that” or something similar and walk away. There is no need to engage in a discussion with her or try to defend yourself or point out her shortcomings.

You can’t do anything to stop her badmouthing you around the barn, but if you take the high ground and don’t say anything negative about her or the horse, then it will probably die down pretty quickly.

16 Likes
#7

(1) what to say when I’m ending the lease Hi <evil person>, I need to let you know that I’ve decided to look for a new horse to lease. Here is my 30-day written notice (as above, the document is very very simple “This letter is to provide 30-day written notice prior to termination of my lease of the horse Dobbin. The termination will be effective on xxxx date. Signed, Me”
(2) what to say when I’m asked WHY I’m ending the lease, It’s just time for a change. There’s a lot you can learn by riding different horses.
(3) how to respond when she says something like she’s glad I’m ending the lease, If she says something hateful, respond with “I have enjoyed working with Dobbin and wish you the best in finding his next rider.” Then walk away.
(4) how to manage the fallout when I know people will be talking negatively (and falsely) about me? You can’t and should not try to. Your good character/reputation will not be affected among those who know you. For any shallow people who would judge you based on one person’s gossip, their opinions are meaningless. Whatever you do, do NOT try to get “your side” of the dispute out there. If someone says something to you that’s a lie, smile and say “Well, I don’t agree with that version of events but it’s not important.” Then immediately switch to a positive topic focused on that person “Anyway, how’s your pony doing these days? Any plans for shows this spring?”

If the HO makes your life truly miserable, there’s no reason you have to go to the barn during the notice period. Just move on.

35 Likes
#8

In boarding situations, COTH posters often suggest giving the required 30 day notice but planning to (or at least being prepared to) leave immediately and just eat the last month’s fee. You could presumeably do the same by giving notice and paying the usual month of expenses but not riding, and frame it as a courtesy to the PITA owner.

But what are you planning to do after this lease? Ride at the same barn and just take lessons? Find another lease situation at this barn or another? Take a break? I have a friend who quit leasing for a year or two to save the cash for buying her own. Another friend quit leasing to be able to afford more lessons in another program. Both totally legit reasons (not that you actually need one) for opting out of an otherwise fine lease.

And any barn “friends” you have who would not believe you or be poisoned by this lady are not really friends. Unfortunately if this lady is so poisonous to the barn, you would be better off finding a new barn home with a better dynamic.

5 Likes
#9

Follow the outlines of the contract and she will not have a leg to stand on.

1 Like
#10

which I kind of suspect given some escalation in her behavior?)

if this an expectation then I would have vet inspection of the horse so there is third party’s written report of horse’s condition upon termination

14 Likes
#11

Just follow the contract, thank her profusely for the opportunity to have leased her lovely horse, and move on. Don’t engage. People can be nosy, so I don’t think it hurts to have some vague excuses made up. Some people will try to push you to say something you regret so that they can flip the narrative and make you the bad person in the scenario, so stick to your most polite and gracious behavior no matter what anyone says.

9 Likes
#12

If this wouldn’t be a flat out lie, you could always say something along the lines of “I’m taking a break from leasing due to time/finances/etc” or “I’m ready to look for something to buy”. But those excuses only work if they’re somewhat true, ie you can’t say you can’t afford to lease but then bring a new lease horse to the barn a week later.

2 Likes
#13

If this person is genuinely toxic, the best thing to do would to not make it about this person, at all. Toxic people can contort just about anything to be about them, so the less you say, and the less you make it about them, the better off your “reputation” will be left.

I agree with BeeHoney and TOTT. It might be easier if you say you need to take a break from leasing for a bit, and leave it at that. I would not tell anyone why you are no longer leasing the horse, as you do not want it getting back to you. I am generally in favor of always being upfront with someone - but in the case of what is a delicate situation with a boarder that is not likely to leave any time soon, sometimes it’s better to not ruffle feathers by going all out on them and saying “you’re toxic, so I am leaving.” Tact, and all of that.

Follow the contract to a letter, thank the person so much for the opportunity she gave you, maybe even throw in a “parting gift basket” for her and the horse (carrots or some nibbles, maybe some ointment or a brush, etc) and then walk far away.

5 Likes
#14

I understand 100% what you’re going through. It’s easy to read these responses and think, “easier said than done”. But I promise you that you are capable of doing it.

You’ll feel so much better after giving notice.

10 Likes
#15

I was in a similar position earlier this year, and as others have, I suggest making a clean break.

You say you’ll still be in the aisles trying to tack up after giving your notice - but why? If it’s because you hope to continue riding the horse after giving notice, please don’t do that to yourself. You may think that you must because the HO has already wronged you, or because you are owed them, but if she’s as bad as you describe, it’s not worth trying to get those last 12 rides in.

If you are going to continue riding at the same barn but just in lessons or on another horse, it is very important not to get sucked into the whys and wherefores of the termination. Practice changing the subject. Turning questions around to people and their own lives is VERY useful. Honestly, if you sat down and made a list of people at your barn and came up with some “How 'bout them Yankees?” questions for each of them, you might feel better-prepared and I wouldn’t judge you!

“HO said she didn’t think you were happy leasing Dobbin.”
“I love Dobbin! How is your horse’s injury healing?” “How was your daughter’s wedding?” “Do you know how to screw in studs?”

The trick is that it’s tempting to get sucked into trying to defend yourself against real or perceived insults/threats. DON’T BITE. This is a life skill and takes practice.

And if you’re not planning to continue riding at the same barn, I recommend doing as I did: picked up my saddle, kissed the horse good-bye, and texted the HO when I got home that I would be terminating the lease. She acknowledged receipt and I never heard from her again.

Other tips for dealing with nerve-wracking conversations:

  • Practice your reasons for terminating your lease. It’s not the horse, it’s not HO, it’s just me. I just want to try something different. If they pry, shrug and look innocent, and go back to what you’re doing.
  • Pause 2 seconds before responding. This keeps you from blurting things out and will make you feel less panicked.
  • Change your narrative. Rather than trying to “shut people down”, think of re-directing the conversation. Actively listen to what they say and ask them questions about themselves, their horses, and their children. People LOVE to talk about themselves.
  • Change the balance of the conversation. When someone is trying to end a conversation, they give short, direct answers. The asker then has nothing new to latch onto and carry away, so they just keep asking for more. So it becomes they ask, you answer, they ask, you answer. Become the asker and you get to control where the conversation goes.
  • Brainstorm the absolute worst things people could say to you, and your polite response. The goal isn’t to win or be right. It is okay if some people think ill of you.
  • Brainstorm the absolute worst things you could be tempted into saying, and an appropriate alternative. For example: “Alright FINE you caught me. HO practically FORCED me to stop leasing her horse, who I LOVE, because she’s out of her ever-loving MIND.” VS “No, I didn’t hear that juicy gossip from Kate. I just wanted to try something different.”
12 Likes
#16

What @KBC and @HungarianHippo said. My response to 4 would be either no response - keep a pleasant smile on your face and walk away or if you MUST say something, a simple “I’m sorry you feel that way.” And then walk off. Do Not engage this person. @beowulf is right - toxic people can and will make ANYthing about them and can twist the most innocent of statements. Just be glad you are free. And maybe think about another barn where gossip and backstabbery are less prevalent. BTDT - it ain’t worth it.

3 Likes
#17

NO, SHE CAN’T!!!

She can only affect you in ways YOU allow. You’re an adult (I presume). That means you comply with contract in professional terms, give answers to your questions that do not “open the ball” on drama, and you move on down the road.

When people ask you loaded questions give them a soft, unloaded answer. Q: “How did you stand her for so long?” A: “I don’t know, I guess I just did!” And then END the discussion.

Don’t get sucked into conversations you don’t want to have.

G.

15 Likes
#18

Give notice and just stay away from this toxic barn environment. And find another barn.

Would this person tell all the barn you were ending the lease and that’s why you fear barn mates would be pumping you for details? Get out of there. Find a barn with a better atmosphere run like a business instead of a high school bathroom complete with cliques and mean girls…like the one you leased the horse from.

There’s other barns.

14 Likes
#19

G. Amen to that

#20

Keep your words concise, nonspecific, friendly, and keep that smile on your face as genuinely as you can!

The more words you use, the worse it will be.

4 Likes

Get your Digital Subscription here - only $29.99 / year

Subscribe here
See gift options

Sign up to our monthly newsletter!

By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. You may also receive promotional emails from The Chronicle of the Horse. You can opt out at any time.

Copyright © 2023 The Chronicle of the Horse