Switching barns?

[That_equestrian]

Okay so I have been riding at a barn that does flat work and I have decided I would like to switch to Hunter Equitation. My trainer and I have a mother daughter relationship and I don’t want to hurt her but I want to get it across that I am serious about leaving and she can’t sway my decision. I have left the barn before but ended up coming back and when I told her I was leaving she got very defensive. Here are other items that helped make the decision: she makes schooling shows over $1,000 (trailering , tack,horse etc.) when they would normally be $200, she has a terrible schedule and I am lucky if I ride once a month, when we show and have lessons she tacks up for us and so all we really do is ride, her prices are outrageous, she is always the “victim” for everything, she is the only one working at the barn and always complains about it, and she is a bit hard to talk to.

I really need help on how I should tell her without her getting defensive and trying to change my mind.

    Thank you!

[CHT]

Do you feel comfortable telling her you want to try jumping, and then ask her for recommendations on a barn/trainer? Maybe she will be less defensive if she is included in the decision.

I find it conflicting that you think you have a mother/daughter relationship, yet find her hard to talk to.

[gloriginger]

[QUOTE=That equestrian;8186600]
Okay so I have been riding at a barn that does flat work and I have decided I would like to switch to Hunter Equitation.

she has a terrible schedule and I am lucky if I ride once a month.

I really need help on how I should tell her without her getting defensive and trying to change my mind.[/QUOTE]

Don’t say anything, just go ride at the other place learn to jump and get consistent lessons. When that once a month rolls around, you just aren’t available - or still go to your once a month lesson. If she asks you about it just say that you have decided to make a change and want to focus on Hunter equitation. Thanks for the time I spent at your farm.

With someone who takes things so personal and likes to identify as the victim, the less said the better, and keep it objective.

[Ambitious_Kate]

Yes, don’t get into a big explaination. Do what you want to do. If it comes up in some manner, just say, brightly, Yes, I want to to do Hunter equitation! If she moans and complains, all you can say is “I’m sorry you feel that way!” Don’t make her problems yours.

And this isn’t a mother daughter relationship. She is making money off you. Personally, I think she is using you. It is one reason I don’t become personally involved with my trainers. They are my hired help, I am paying for their expertise, to teach me. Everyone always comes to the end of what they have to offer that I might benefit from, and I need to be able to move on to a different trainer to suit my needs.

If you make a trainer relationship that of a family member, you can never walk away. She may be abusing your good nature, but you are enabling her to use you. Every time you don’t say “no” you are telling her its ok for her to keep doing what she’s doing. Including guilting you into do what she wants you to do.

I guess in that sense, it really is alot like many (toxic) mother daughter relationships.

You need to disengage and not worry about how that will affect her. Good luck.

[One_Two_Three]

[QUOTE=gloriginger;8187350]
Don’t say anything, just go ride at the other place learn to jump and get consistent lessons. When that once a month rolls around, you just aren’t available - or still go to your once a month lesson. If she asks you about it just say that you have decided to make a change and want to focus on Hunter equitation. Thanks for the time I spent at your farm.

With someone who takes things so personal and likes to identify as the victim, the less said the better, and keep it objective.[/QUOTE]

This.

I moved barns a couple of times in my Junior years. I would always go ride with the new trainer at the new barn first, make sure I liked it, and then made my decision on whether I wanted to stay, go, or do both. For a while I was riding at two different places, and it actually worked out well, getting extra ride time and two great training prospectives.

[Hej]

[QUOTE=gloriginger;8187350]
Don’t say anything, just go ride at the other place learn to jump and get consistent lessons. When that once a month rolls around, you just aren’t available - or still go to your once a month lesson. If she asks you about it just say that you have decided to make a change and want to focus on Hunter equitation. Thanks for the time I spent at your farm.

With someone who takes things so personal and likes to identify as the victim, the less said the better, and keep it objective.[/QUOTE]

Yes, this.

You have one of the LEAST controversial reasons for changing barns - you want to pursue a discipline your current barn doesn’t offer.

Your current trainer should take it as a compliment that she has brought you along to the point where you want to seek more advanced training.

Good luck and have fun!

[SMF11]

I’d also kill her with kindness – tell her all the things you appreciate about the place and her (exaggerate, even) and skip all the negatives, and tell her that it was so hard given all the wonderful aspects of her farm but you really want to switch disciplines and thank you very much for all her wonderful help, she really is the best.

Pretty hard to get mad at somebody complimenting you like crazy.

[tua37516]

You don’t need permission from your current trainer. Go take test lessons at the other barns you are interested in. You don’t own a horse, you hardly ride, so it seems like you don’t owe her anything financially. Once you are certain you are not coming back, thank her for everything she has done and taught you and that you are changing to a new discipline and you will always value your time with her. Make it definite, do not make it a negotiation. Tell her you will miss her all that stuff etc and compliment the things you appreciated, but sadly you are on to other endeavors.