Switching trainers, would love advice

[Alter3]

Posting under an alter for obvious reasons!

Background: I’ve been with my trainer for 4 years, for the first 3 I boarded with her and had my horse in full training. This past year, I built my own place and moved my horses home and have been hauling 2x/weekly for lessons. I show around once a month, mostly A shows, some schooling shows and always have my horse in full care with my trainer at shows.

For the past couple of years I’ve been toying with the idea of making a switch. My trainer has a reputation for being very moody and can be extremely condescending which at times affects my confidence. There are some things we’ve never agreed on, but for the most part her program worked for us and my horse and I thrived.

Lately, other barn friends and I all feel like she’s getting burnt out and her lessons have gotten stale. I barely get any feedback, and some days all she does it tell me what to jump next :no:. At the last show, she didn’t even say a word to me after I came out of the ring after my rounds - at times I wondered if she was even watching. My husband was livid and if I’d let him he would have dropped her that instant.

This behavior has nothing to do with me moving my horses home, she treats everyone like this so I know it’s not just me. There are several of us that feel the same way. I guess I just don’t know what to say to her or how to switch trainers. I’m a weenie with confrontation and I know she’ll badmouth me as soon as I leave (which is fine, looks bad on her not me!) so I want to try to make this as drama free as possible.

I’m also scared about finding a better trainer, I like that my barn is mostly adults and relatively small compared to others in the area. It makes it so hard to leave your barn family, I’m going to miss those people the most when I leave her. I also don’t know that other trainers would be as open to having a haul-in client who doesn’t board with them or where to even start as far as knowing if someone else’s program will be a good fit for us!

I guess I’m just looking for advice from people who have left a trainer after several years. At this point, the relationship is more than just a client/trainer relationship which obviously will make this more difficult. What would you say in order to keep the peace? We’ll be at all the same shows, and I really don’t want it to be uncomfortable.

Any COTH advice or wisdom would be appreciated - my brain is swirling right now!

[mvp]

OP, you will have to Man Up one way or another. But you sound like a good client, so I don’t think it would be hard for you to find another, better trainer.

Here’s how you’ll need to Man UP. Pick the one that sounds least bad to you, lol.

1. Have an adult, one-on-one conversation with your pro about how things are going and what you’d like to see change. Ask her if you have a part in that and what you can do to improve things, too. Do that whether or not you think it’s “your fault” or your responsibility. This is about being collaborative and solution-oriented rather than accusatory.

But remember: The pro ultimately works for you. She either does the job you require or she does not. That’s probably the point of view that informs your husband’s idea. So you can Man Up his way:

2. Man Up and fire the trainer, with or without explanation. Your choice. Do honor any contractual obligations you have about 30 days’ notice. Be prepared to hold her to her side of the contract too for those last 30 days, whether she still wants to be your BFF or not. This version of Manning Up is about putting business first… and keeping it there.

3. Man Up as you choose better the next time. This means you need to make a list of what you Need, What You Want, and What Didn’t Work Last Time. You can’t go about choosing a new pro or a new program if you don’t know or Ask For the stuff that will make it work for you. So, yes, sooner or later, you will have to still have that one-on-one conversation with your new pro where you ask her if she can do the things you need and most of what you want.

4. Man Up about leaving your barn friends. You can still hang out with them in other ways. And who knows? Maybe some of them will follow you to the new place you choose since it sounds like lots of your fellow clients are unhappy.

Best of luck to you, OP. It sounds like you are spending Adult Money on your horse habit, so you also have to show up and insist on good treatment from your pros… when you need to. And I’m sorry that you have to be the one to do this. We all should try to keep our personal stuff out of the business stuff.

[MagicTreehouse]

If it’s something you’ve been thinking about for a couple of years, switching trainers is undoubtably the right decision. This sport is too expensive to spend so much money with someone you aren’t learning from! I totally understand what you mean about not wanting it to be awkward- I went through the same thing with my old trainer. The best way to go about it, IMHO, is to just be honest. Thank her for the time she’s spent with you, but tell her that you think your goals have changed and that another trainer will be more helpful in what you want to do. Best of luck, I know it’s hard!

[Foxglove]

Keep in mind that when you do change trainers, it may not work out and you might want to return. You are wise, I think, to want to keep the peace. Having said that, I suggest you imagine yourself writing a movie dialogue. Write one for the “good student who wants to move on,” and the responses from the “good trainer who wants what’s best for the student.” With that approach, write down some ideas and practice what you are going to say -here’s how I’d write that dialogue:

GS (good student) approaching the trainer when she is alone: Would this be a good time to speak with you about some plans I’ve made?

GT (good trainer) (maybe not, but hopefully it is) --Sure! What’s up?

GS I have an opportunity to work with (name of new trainer). You’ve helped me so much and been, well, more than a good trainer, you’ve been just wonderful. I wanted to let you know that I’m going to work with (new trainer) and see where it goes. (DO NOT apologize or equivocate).

GT (if she becomes angry or unpleasant --say "Thank you for all you’ve done, and walk away --follow this by a warm note a week or two later telling her how much you appreciate her help --won’t hurt, might help)

GT (if she tries to argue or convince you it’s a bad idea): say "You are giving me some ideas to consider, but for now I am going to pursue working with (NT). You are such a great trainer --I appreciate all that you’ve done for me. (Keep saying that until she understands you are going to do it).

Then, (very important) at a show or to other riders make it a point to speak well of her and her training OFTEN and MORE OFTEN. Tell the vet, the shoer, the people at the new barn how fabulous she was --this will get back to her --any animosity she felt at you leaving will be mitigated when she finds out you are speaking well of her.

Again, won’t hurt to drop her a card or a note telling her how great she is --I mean, how can we argue with that? If someone sent ME a card telling me how great I was --I’d feel good about both myself and the sender!!

But please remember, she’s a professional. If she can’t take students moving on, then she shouldn’t be in the business. But you too must act professionally. Don’t apologize or promise things you won’t do or don’t want to do (as in "I’ll come by and see you, I promise.).

[Soaponarope]

Welp, trainers don’t usually like it when you move to self care at your own place. That could be part of her lack of interest in you. You can argue the unfairness of that, but, it’s a reality.

But there is a piece of the puzzle missing from your post. How are you doing? Are you doing well with her program or not? What level are you riding at? Is there where she wants you to be? Tell us a bit more about the riding and showing.

[Alter3]

Such helpful responses already, thank you all! Foxglove, what you said is SO helpful, I was having a hard time figuring out how exactly to phrase things and I really like that approach.

Soap I COMPLETELY agree with you! One of the reasons I was drawn to my trainer is the number of haul in clients she has, the majority of us keep our horses at home actually. She only has 20 stalls and her barn is always full, so I don’t necessarily think that’s the issue here, but I do know a number of trainers who would, like you said, lose interest in a self-care client!

To answer some of your questions, when I first started riding with her I progressed by leaps and bounds! I had been overfaced by a previous trainer and had lost my confidence, so she started us back at 2’ until we were bored to death and we are currently showing in the pre-adults 2’6"-2’9". Now that you asked me that, something just dawned on me…my horse is maxed out at that height and I’m not planning on horse shopping for another year or so. Maybe she feels like that’s all she can do for us right now?!

I feel pretty solid with where we are right now, at shows we consistently pin and frequently get reserve or champion, but of course I have some bad habits that are a work in progress. Lately (past year or so) I don’t feel like anything has changed, either in my riding or with my horse. I don’t feel like I’m getting any better as a rider. I don’t feel like I’m being challenged in our lessons anymore, each lesson is very repetitive. Like I said earlier, we all suspect she’s getting burnt out and her lessons reflect that, it doesn’t seem like she puts much thought into them anymore.

[Soaponarope]

Ok, well I can’t know of course, but I suspect she’s bored or frustrated and wants you to move up. At least, I wouldn’t be surprised at all. She may feel like you’ve gone as far as you can with this horse and you are in a bit of a rut.

You say she has mainly adults. Maybe what she really wants is a group of juniors doing high profile divisions?

The only way to know what her problem is is to ask her.

If she is bored that may be understandable but in no way entitles her to be rude. I don’t like the way she is treating you. The lesson issue may be because your horse can’t really do more and you’ve gone as far as you can. But her attitude problem is a pretty passive aggressive way to deal with that. If you can’t get a new horse she could always have you do more challenging work, no stirrups, etc., to get you ready to move up. If in fact you want to.

At least you are now hauling in. If you want to make a change it won’t be too traumatic.

Most trainers tend to become trainers because they are fairly competitive people. If you are doing any A shows at all, I wouldn’t be surprised if she wants to have some competitive students doing the juniors and the big eq or pony divisions, the glamour divisions.

[BeeHoney]

It sounds like it’s time for a change. Foxglove’s post is beautiful. Be profusely grateful, reflect specifically on what she has done for you, make sure she knows that you recommend and speak well of her, and be sure that you settle all accounts, etc. properly. It’s okay to be vague about your reasons for leaving and, if you have to, include a small white lie or two. This is one scenario where total honesty isn’t the best policy. It’s not your job to tell her how to run her business or how to teach lessons. Also, if she indeed is feeling burned out, that’s not something any commentary from you can fix.

Before you leave, because you are a trailer in client, you might want to discreetly try out another trainer and make sure that you have a better option lined up. Make sure you have a plan so that your own transition is seamless. You may find it difficult to find the same social scene at another h/j barn, but nonetheless I don’t think you can justify continuing to spend the kind of $ that lessons, training and showing cost unless you are getting more feedback and involvement from the trainer.

[Peggy]

Assuming you’ve made up your mind that you’re going to leave and aren’t having a conversation with the trainer in the hope that things might change and you might stay.

Make sure you have a Play B, which I guess you do with your horses at home.

Look into other trainers with whom you might like to ride/train. Visit. Talk to clients, assuming that they won’t talk about your intentions with the current trainer. (one reason to have a Plan B in effect)

Talk to current trainer, at least 30 days in advance. Pick a time when it’s not busy and there aren’t a bunch of people around. State that you’re leaving. You really don’t owe the trainer any other explanation as to why you’re leaving or where you might be going. If you do state a reason for leaving, keep it professional and not personal. (I want to do more XYZ shows. The new barn is closer to my house.)

[OverandOnward]

Move quietly - don’t disrupt your current trainer’s other clients. If/when they hear you are moving they will have many questions. It’s up to you what you are comfortable handling, re questions and their timing. You may prefer to keep your move quiet until the last few days or week to cut down on the interrogations at awkward times and places.

It goes without saying, of course don’t talk about the old trainer or students after you leave. If old trainer creates drama, realize it reflects far more badly on her than you. What kind of trainer tells tales on students who leave? Yep, that kind - everyone knows this. People worry less about what is said and more about if they may become a target.

Put on your rhinoceros hide after giving notice. If only everyone could just be polite for 30 days! But somehow the closer the notice period is to ending, the more people say dumb unproductive things that put you on the spot to be the nice guy. As good an argument as any for giving 30 days notice and leaving sooner, letting them keep the extra board after you leave.

Your fellow students of this trainer may be having similar thoughts. They may want you to validate their thoughts. I suggest you defer any frank, deep conversations until after you leave. Tell them you’ll be available for a chat over coffee or lunch on X date and afterward. You don’t have to declare universal radio silence with those with whom you have the most in common, just manage the timing respectfully.

Don’t suffer too much over this, as it is very possible that your trainer is suffering less, or not at all. Students tend to over-emphasize the strength and importance of their relationship with a teacher. The student has only the one teacher, but the teacher has many students, and as individuals each student may be less important to the teacher than they think they are. This is your passion and pasttime. It’s a job for your trainer, although we do hope it is a passion as well.

Definitely, the relationships in the barn are the hardest thing to leave. But you’ll see them again. There may be new experiences that will be equally valuable waiting for you. Change and moving onward are what life is, but it can be hard nonetheless.

Sometimes when one person leaves, they kind of show the way for others who are also on the fence. There is a bit of a cascade out the door. That isn’t your fault, it’s a symptom of where the trainer is in her client relationships at the moment. She (he) can recover - or change his/her means of support, either is fine. The trainer is on a separate journey that is not your responsibility, even if you think your actions are having an effect.

It may take more than one try to find the perfect next place. That is OK … remain flexible in your own best interests.

This move is a bigger deal to you than it is to anyone else! Promise. If you know this move needs to happen, don’t worry too much about anyone else. Go when you’re ready and keep looking ahead more than you look behind.

Because it sounds like there isn’t really a question - yes, you’ll be moving.

[fordtraktor]

If you are mostly champion and reserve and have plateaued at your current height, maybe she feels like she doesn’t need to tell you obvious things like “you were a bit tight to fence 4.” Why don’t you have a heart to heart about trying new skills on your horse. Like some Eq and puddle jumper classes if he can’t jump more than 2’9 so you feel challenged and your horse stays comfy with his limitations.

[snowrider]

Why don’t you cut back on lessons and challenge yourself by working more independently and also make the switch to adult eq and medals for next year? Maybe try to pick up some catch rides or ask for lessons on another horse? There really isn’t much to learn if you’ve mastered the 2’6" hunters and your horse is maxed out. I imagine your lessons have gotten stale because there isn’t much to do or learn anymore. Challenging yourself to be a better rider independently will be interesting, either it’ll work or it won’t but you’ll definitely learn what you need a trainer for! And switching to the eq or small jumpers will give you a new challenge.

I admit as an instructor it was very challenging to keep working with people who had to stay at the lower levels but had mastered them. A new discipline might be the ticket.

[trubandloki]

If you want to change trainers then go for it.

To me it sounds more like you need to have an adult conversation with this trainer and express that you are bored. Maybe this trainer does not want to over face you and have you become the wreck you were when you started so that is why are you again ‘bored to death’. That technique worked before with you, why should the trainer not think it will work this time with you?

[RockinHorse]

[QUOTE=snowrider;8884326]
Why don’t you cut back on lessons and challenge yourself by working more independently and also make the switch to adult eq and medals for next year? Maybe try to pick up some catch rides or ask for lessons on another horse? There really isn’t much to learn if you’ve mastered the 2’6" hunters and your horse is maxed out. I imagine your lessons have gotten stale because there isn’t much to do or learn anymore. Challenging yourself to be a better rider independently will be interesting, either it’ll work or it won’t but you’ll definitely learn what you need a trainer for! And switching to the eq or small jumpers will give you a new challenge.

I admit as an instructor it was very challenging to keep working with people who had to stay at the lower levels but had mastered them. A new discipline might be the ticket.[/QUOTE]

Interesting perspective. In all my years of riding I have never felt that I mastered a skill or level to the point where I did not have more I could learn and improve on.

[Foxglove]

RockinHorse --your response to snowrider made me think . . . after taking lessons for 35-40 years, I quit. I would never presume to say I “mastered a skill or level” but I certainly felt comfortable with what I knew and what my horse knew. I stopped competing (except for an occasional class now and then to fulfill a bucket list --actually won a Reining class with my foxhunter), and turned all my attention to foxhunting. Instead of weekly lessons, I just “ride my horse” and try to keep us both fit for hunting on Sundays. He jumps. I don’t fall off. Skill Mastered? Maybe not, but we are having fun and keeping ourselves safe. Do I still do “everything” I was taught? Now and then I’ll work on something I remember being taught, but generally, I just use Cherry Hills 101 Arena Exercises and play by myself. So maybe some of us reach a point where we do reach a level where “more instruction” isn’t what we want.

[VelvetsAB]

But lessons still shouldn’t become stale. Just because you are in the hunter ring, doesn’t mean that you can’t be doing roll backs in your lessons. Or having a flat lesson working on dressage.

OP–Since you are a ship in client, it will be easier for you to leave, since you don’t have to move your horse. Cut back to a lesson a week, give your 30 days. Thank your coach, but don’t go into details about the new situation.

You don’t necessarily have to have another trainer lined up until after you have left, since you do keep your horse at home.

Make it easier on yourself, and don’t ship into other trainers barns while looking for someone new. Take a lesson on one of their lesson horses the first time to see if their style of coaching jives with what you want/need. Ship in to a second lesson to see if you AND your horse will work well with them, after you LIKED the first lesson. If you didn’t, keep looking.

[NancyM]

It would be rare and uncommon to remain with one trainer/coach for your entire competitive equine life. Best to learn what you can from one, and when that becomes dull or not moving forward, move on to someone else, see what they have to say that might be useful to you. Learn what you can from a number of different people. Some trainers/coaches are very good with green riders, and have a program that is well suited to this level, but those riders need to move on at some point. Nobody’s nose needs to get out of joint, and nobody needs to be rude about it. It’s just life. You can remain friends, greet each other when you see each other next.

Look for your new trainer/coach by watching them and their clients at shows. Watch them coach those clients, appraise the advice given for accuracy in your opinion. Look for a relationship between those clients and the coach that you think would be advantageous to you. Be critical, be judgemental, quietly. Don’t be swayed by pomp and circumstance, marketing. Look for good horsemanship, good relationships between horses and riders, and the coach. Go and visit the barn, and take a lesson, see what you think before you sign up in a long term manner. If you want to learn how to solve the problems that arise with riding, training, and showing horses, don’t look for a coach who solves all those problems for the clients, look for one who explains to the clients how to solve those problems for themselves. This is the difference between a coach who is only interested in winning ribbons, and one who is interested in “making” riders and horsemen.

Good luck!

[RockinHorse]

[QUOTE=Foxglove;8884644]
RockinHorse --your response to snowrider made me think . . . after taking lessons for 35-40 years, I quit. I would never presume to say I “mastered a skill or level” but I certainly felt comfortable with what I knew and what my horse knew. I stopped competing (except for an occasional class now and then to fulfill a bucket list --actually won a Reining class with my foxhunter), and turned all my attention to foxhunting. Instead of weekly lessons, I just “ride my horse” and try to keep us both fit for hunting on Sundays. He jumps. I don’t fall off. Skill Mastered? Maybe not, but we are having fun and keeping ourselves safe. Do I still do “everything” I was taught? Now and then I’ll work on something I remember being taught, but generally, I just use Cherry Hills 101 Arena Exercises and play by myself. So maybe some of us reach a point where we do reach a level where “more instruction” isn’t what we want.[/QUOTE]

I agree with you as long as the “more instruction” isn’t what you want. It sounded to me, however, that the OP did still want to take lessons and continue to grow within the ability of her horse.

[rjr]

Since it sounds like this trainer is basically competent and you have had a good relationship over time, I think the best thing to do would be to gently confront her about the recent changes. Something like “Last year, you seemed much more involved, more active in lessons, more advice at shows. I don’t want to pry or to insult you, but things just don’t seem the same this year, and I am wondering if there is any way to get lessons back the way they used to be.” Then use her response to see whether you think there is any chance of getting back to the way you like things. It may be that she is going through some temporary health or personal crisis, and that things will be getting better in a few months. If so, both you and she would loose out if you were to change now without giving her a chance to explain or fix the problem. You might not want to give up on her when she is in a low spot.

[snowrider]

If the horse has soundness issues or is very old or whatever is limiting it to 2’6" it might be that the trainer is limited in what they can work on too. 2’6" is quite small jumps so I’m assuming this horse is physically quite limited. I’ve been there as an instructor, when you have a horse of questionable soundness or athletic ability the rider is ultimately limited on what they can learn. I can’t teach roll backs on a horse whos going to fall over or strain a hock. And there is only so many times you can tell the same person to look around their corners etc. It might be that you’ve come to a natural end with this horse and trainer in this discipline, in which case you might not want to close the door for working with her when you get a more able horse. One thing you can work on is switching disciplines or trying to school yourself a bit more, which is fun and educational.

As with most things it’s best to have an honest discussion with her about it.