OP, I am so sorry you are having to even think about this issue.
It sounds like you are handling it well. I am in the crowd that thinks you need to be age appropriately honest.
I think the book idea posted above is a good one.
Thank you everyone.
[QUOTE=spacytracy;8706816]
In reality, it was a blessing. In the last 2 years, my mom and my FIL passed, we had our beloved cat PTS, and our mini horse died. She handled it so much better having had that honest open experience.[/QUOTE]
This is important to me as both of my parents are in poor health and I don’t really want to create confusion about death.
I have lost my 2 15 year old German Shepherds, 2 old horses and my father in the last 1.5 years ( 2 weeks after euthanizing my old horse I had for 22 years). I have an now 8 year old daughter, who is very much involved in the farm life and with my family.
I had the opportunity to start talking about the shepherds (the first to go) decline in health and the outcome about 9 months to a year prior. I was honest, said the dogs were older and in declining health. At some point they would die (with or without the help of a vet) and made it clear, they weren’t coming back.
Children need a process of saying goodbye if they are old enough to understand and notice the animal will be gone.
Mine drew pictures of the dog, it broke my heart.
We shared funny stories, we still do
We painted rocks as kind of a memorial to them.
I put their ashes and pictures on the fireplace mantle.
We asked if she had any questions, what she thought.
These kinds of tangible steps may be more helpful to your child than talking alone.
Everyone handles grief in a different manner. For whatever reason, I don’t cry in front of people-even at my dad’s funeral, but let my daughter know IT IS OK to cry and be sad. (I’m still sad, I cry in my car more often then I care to admit). Talking to her about my dad’s condition and death was approached in similar manner. It is a difficult time when you have to tend to another’s heart when yours is breaking.
We have a funny story or memory almost every day.
Good luck.
Not quite the same, but a similar situation. My BO is a breeder/horse trader. Every colt in the barn has a price on it. Every colt was also one granddaughter’s favorite. After enduring another 6 yro meltdown when a horse got sold, my mother kindly, but firmly, explained that if Grandpa didn’t sell horses, he & Grandma wouldn’t eat. The little girl was better with horses being sold after that.
[QUOTE=4Martini;8706948]
Thank you everyone.
This is important to me as both of my parents are in poor health and I don’t really want to create confusion about death.[/QUOTE]
My advice is: cry with her. Let her see you cry. Tell her you’re sad. Tell her some days you think about it and it makes you sad. Tell her when you’re angry.
I cry alot over my mom. It is hard to hide, and I honestly don’t want to hide it from my daughter and make her feel ashamed to cry.
Many hugs to you.
I’ve been in this same boat recently (23 yo mare foundered, I was ready to put her down). I told my kids (5 and 6) about what had happened, and that we might have to put her down if the vet thought she wouldn’t get better. The day the vet got there, I had pulled both kids out of school when I left work, took them down to the barn, and let them say their goodbyes and brush her for awhile. We decided to give her some more time to see if she would recover (4 weeks out, some days are better than others, but kids know that it is still a possibility).
I can remember being young and my grandfather not telling me because he couldn’t stand to see me that upset. But I was furious over not being given the chance to say goodbye. I will not do that to my kids - anything I can do to alleviate/explain to them is better than giving them a lie in my book. When my grandfather’s stud passed (he was like the family dog - just a big old Clydesdale that had many finny quirks) I took the kids down to say goodbye after checking to make sure their were no signs of distress. My idea was that it was better that they see it in a pet that they weren’t as close to, before it hit home and was my horse or one of the dogs.
I agree with honesty. Death and grieving is a part of life and sad to say, but learning to love an animal and expressing grief after it’s death are healthy emotions. It’s never too early to teach compassion. It’s painful for parents to see their child upset but for most children, it’s fleeting.
I like the photo book idea, too. A wonderful remembrance.
Thank you - she said good bye last night with lots of carrots and apples and brought his purple halter home to keep in her room (I always thought a chestnut TB gelding eventer wearing a purple halter a three year old insisted he needed was the definition of unconditional love). She was sad and cried a lot and pointed out interesting things like “I’ve never been alive a single day without him as my pet.”
Today I said my good bye to him. I hope I can answer any follow on questions she has. It’s hard to have to help someone else cope when you want to fall apart. Parenting and having pets is not for sissies. I explained that to her- that the happiness we get from pets is worth the sadness - she seemed to understand.
Thank you for giving me great ideas.
when I worked in vet clinical one of the most beautiful things I witnessed is a child,about 6 coming to say goodbye
She pet and hug the dog and then said
“Have a good time in the sky”
Of course I cried, I still tear up when I remember it.
Extra hugs to your family
I agree with telling the child in simple terms.
I too remember my parents trying to protect me from my dog dying. I never got to say goodbye.
When I had to put our dog down 3 yrs ago, my son’s were a bit older. 12 and 14. I explained it all to them and gave them the choice of being present during it. She was their first pet.
We lost our 8 yr old cat in February after we moved. He got out after 2 weeks and never came back. That was much harder to explain and accept. We have searched all over for him but he’s gone.
Being honest with kids is the easiest way to teach them. My older daughter always wanted to be with the animal during euthanasia. My younger daughter always stayed as far away as possible. If a child decides to stay with the animal during euthanasia, it is good for the vet to explain what she will see. Knowing that the vet will give a shot to make him sleepy, and then give euthanasia solution that will cause the horse to fall down and maybe jerk, is helpful.
I think it is an excellent idea to allow her to express how she is feeling in a creative, thoughtful outlet as well…what great ideas: drawing a picture of him, writing him a letter, to “take with him” (bury it with him, or in the backyard as a memorial to him), plant a tree or bush (rosebush) in your yard in his “honor” and allow her to be a part of picking it out and planting it, creating memorial rocks for his grave.
[QUOTE=4Martini;8709380]
Thank you - she said good bye last night with lots of carrots and apples and brought his purple halter home to keep in her room (I always thought a chestnut TB gelding eventer wearing a purple halter a three year old insisted he needed was the definition of unconditional love). She was sad and cried a lot and pointed out interesting things like “I’ve never been alive a single day without him as my pet.”
Today I said my good bye to him. I hope I can answer any follow on questions she has. It’s hard to have to help someone else cope when you want to fall apart. Parenting and having pets is not for sissies. I explained that to her- that the happiness we get from pets is worth the sadness - she seemed to understand.
Thank you for giving me great ideas.[/QUOTE]
If you’d like, I’d be happy to make a little bracelet for you out of his hair, no charge. Just pm me and I’ll send you my website, I don’t want to seem like I’m advertising.
