Does anyone have any good resources or suggestions on this?
My 27 yr old horse is having a lot of issues and I think we may be nearing the end. He is basically our family pet- but lives down the street.
Not sure how to best tell my 6yo about it and would appreciate any ideas/ experiences/ resources. This will leave us horseless- if that makes a difference in the conversation. We do have a dog at home though.
Do you let them say good bye? or just tell them after?
Thanks
First, hugs on maybe having to make a tough and yet humane decision. I’ve been in your shoes.
At that age children have vivid imaginations so anything I said on the subject would be very simple and a white lie ONLY because your horse is not at home. I would tell him that because Dobbin is very old he has to go to a new home where it’s warm all the time, where he can always eat grass and the new people will love him very much. That is all, nothing more.
Again, hugs.
I am not a parent, but take from this what you may… my parents never lied to me about any of the pet deaths we had, and I am glad they didn’t. They were always very forthright and transparent any time euthanasia was needed, and I do think it was the right thing to do. Being cognizant of death at such an early age allowed me to be more pragmatic about QOL at a much younger age than my peers and helped me through some difficult decisions myself.
Six is very young, but that is old enough to have a concept of life/death. I would not lie to the child; I would explain that Dobbin is very sick and it is his time to go. Let your child spend as much time leading up to the event as they are willing. Whether or not you let your child be present is something different… I think images stay with you a long time, especially when you are young… so personally, if I had a kid, I would not want them to be there to see the horse go.
Many hugs to you, Dobbin and kiddo.
Tell your child the truth and let him/her say goodbye if they choose. I always told mine ahead of time when I thought the time was coming. That way they were prepared if it had to happen when they weren’t able to say goodbye. Having animals in your life means having to say goodbye more often than ypu’d like. It’s a good lesson to learn early with no drama.
I was appalled at one barn when the adults were told a horse had been retired to a farm because there had been such drama over a possible euthanization. It had been having trouble getting up and when that started happening I had already told my grade school aged children he would probably need to be put down. Barn manager asked me not to say anything when the horse disappeared because there had been too many tears and recriminations. I was a little shocked that adults were behaving this way. But I knew I didn’t want my children growing up unprepared for the realities of sharing your life with animals.
Thanks! I was lied to about a dog by my parents and always resented it. I would like to tell her the truth- but in a kind way.
I disagree with SLW- I would explain it in simple terms. 6 year olds can understand death. “Dobbin is very old, and when people and animals are very old they die. We think Dobbin will die soon, but we will do everything we can to make Dobbin comfortable before that. When Dobbin dies, we will be sad, and we won’t see him anymore, but we can always remember him, and be happy that he lived with us so long.” After your explanation, be ready for questions - and they may pop up intermittently for a while. You don’t need to get into a conversation about euthanasia, but I would answer questions honestly.
There are lots of good books for kids about the death of a pet (here are a few):
http://www.pragmaticmom.com/2012/02/top-10-best-coping-with-loss-of-pets-childrens-picture-books-and-giveaway/
I like Dog Heaven and The Legend of the Rainbow Bridge…
Sometimes a “service” at the grave is helpful, other times not. If you believe and talk about Heaven, you can talk about that too.
In my view, it is better to have this conversation first about a pet (who we don’t expect to live as long as people) than with a beloved grandparent. I also think that I want my kids to know that I will tell them the truth (in age-appropriate terms) because I want them asking ME and not their friends about these (and other) things. When my then 4yo asked HOW babies get out of mommies tummies, I told her “they come out where you pee, or a doctor does surgery and takes them out.” She immediately replied, “I KNEW it wasn’t a stork!”
So sorry that your old friend is nearing the end…
I have always involved my children in the circle of life. When the were very young we put down our 14 gsd. They took pictures with him at home and wrote goodbye letters. They did not accompany us to the vet. All my animals are buried on property. As they got older they were always given the choice on where to say their goodbyes. I’m a firm believer in honesty.
We unfortunately had to put down one of our boarder’s horses in December. My oldest son is 6 and my younger son is 3.
I told them that Dobbin had been having a lot of problems, which they knew, and that his body wasn’t working right any more and that he was in pain and that he was going to die. And that the vet was going to come and give him medicine to help him die so it wouldn’t hurt. I did talk to him about euthanasia, he had a lot of questions, and I explained how while we don’t do this for people now, it is a gift we can give our animals. though it hurts us a lot to lose them, God doesn’t want them to suffer and it is the right thing to do to make sure they suffer as little as possible even though it is hard to do and makes us sad. I mostly told him that because he was concerned that we knew exactly when the horse would die but not when we will die. He is a fairly contemplative 6 year old. So I sort of had to explain it.
I also avoid talking about horses being “sick” and that is why they are going to die. I don’t want my kids thinking that they might die every time they or anyone in our family gets sick. I didn’t really talk about age because the horse was younger than their pony and I didn’t want them to think their pony was going to die either.
We live on a farm so our kids are maybe more prepared for this speech than most, if some of you think this is a little much. We’ve found injured rabbits and other animals that I’ve put out of their misery before, and then explained why I killed them rather than let them suffer. So this is not a novel concept. And the older son sort of remembers our old dog we euthanized when he was 2.
My husband kept the kids in the house when the vet and I euthanized the horse. Later before he was buried I allowed my older son to go see him, though I had covered him with the cooler I always use for that purpose so he didn’t see anything really upsetting. Just feet and tail sticking out from under the cooler. But enough to confront the fact he was dead. I don’t believe in hiding death from children. Acceptance is part of the grief process. So we went and said a prayer and put a flower there.
He still talks about him sometimes and how we miss him. It always makes me cry. That is the worst thing about horse boarding, you get to love them all…
There are many ways to do this, you should go by your gut and what you feel is best for your own kid. My child was very interested and wanted to see the horse, and I didn’t want to make it into a big mystery. If your child is more timid, taking him completely away for the day might be best and just coming back when it is over.
I think after you explain what’s going to happen, it would be nice to have a special goodbye visit where you feed Dobbin his favorite treats together, maybe brush him together if that’s mutually enjoyable.
When my son was that age we put a dog down. I said something like “The vet can’t do anything else to help make her feel better anymore, so he’s going to help her die”. I’m sure I said more than that at the time, but that was the gist of it. I tried to make it sound like the vet was doing a good thing for the dog, and that he was going to help her die instead of saying anything that made it sound like he was going to kill her.
[QUOTE=4Martini;8705488]
Thanks! I was lied to about a dog by my parents and always resented it. I would like to tell her the truth- but in a kind way.[/QUOTE]
yes, the resentment of ebbing lied to.
be honest: the vet can’t make him better.
I made the mistake telling my kid about his cat on the way to school (he was about 8). He took it unexpectantly hard.
In some ways, if kids are told in a kind way, they deal with it better than adults. For one, they aren’t the ones who have to make the decision, or imagine making the decision. For another, they don’t have quite the same nagging sense of mortality that we get as we age! They will feel loss, but they won’t feel the guilt, the anxiety, and the other messy emotions that adults will feel, especially the adults involved in the decision. And, finally, if you are in a religious or semi-religious context, there’s the idea of going to a better place, etc. etc.
It could be worth saying that people can live on happy when they get old and sick, but animals can’t, because everything for them is based on their bodies.
And that animals just have much shorter lives than people.
I wouldn’t want to say the horse went to a retirement home, because next thing you know kiddie is going to want to go visit, and keep asking. Say goodbye, make that special, and help them let go.
Probably depends how attached kid is to horse.
My mother is a vet and I grew up spending a lot of time in her clinic. So the circle of life was not a very large mystery to me. I think a kid of that age can have a reasonable conversation about death and euthanasia. Perhaps not overly technical, but the general spirit of things and that euthanasia is the final kindness we can do our animals. I think framing the conversation in terms of doing what is best for Dobbin(rather than what we want, ie they live forever) is best. I would not have them there for the actual event, but a visit a day before or earlier that morning is an excellent time for some final spoiling/picture moments.
Let me expand on the “White Lie” a little bit.
Brief background, while the following was going my own Mother was dying of cancer.
We had recently moved to a large city and were living in an apartment while house hunting. My aged cat had a chronic condition but I found a wonderful vet to use. One day at an appointment my cat had reached the end game. My daughters, at that time one was in third grade and the other was 4, were in the waiting room. I was not prepared to do a “this is the end” dicussion with the girls so I brought them in the room to see Loudoun. I told them he was very sick and was staying at the clinic for the night. I was mostly upset because I had no where to bury him and had to let them dispose of him. 
This was back in 1992 so cremation wasn’t an option.
As I left I asked the vet when he was euthanazing Loudoun and he said that he would be at peace before I backed out of my parking spot. He hugged me through my tears, I kissed my kitty and left.
After school the next day I told the girls that Loudoun had passed away at the vet clinc due to his disease. No drama. Meanwhile my own Mother passed away a couple months later. The girls understood the grief and sadness I felt during that awful time.
The next stop, 15 months later was Kansas, where the girls lived out their childhood on our small farm. We’ve raised diary goats, a foal, had plenty of horses and plenty of cats and dogs that have been our pets. They fully understood the mechanices of breeding animals and death, whether by accident, disease or euthanasia. I even came clean years ago about the exact timing of Loudouns death and the girls don’t hold a grudge for me giving myself a soft landing during difficult circumstances.
To the present, Tuesday a week ago a client was making an appointment for Doc to euthanize her horse at home the next morning. She asked me “Do I tell the children? They aren’t into the horses like I am.” I asked her how old were the children and she said 11 and 9. I said yes, you honor them by letting them know you are making this humane, compassionate and informed decision on behalf of your horse. This will let them honor you because you are going to feel sad for a little while with the changes in the back yard. She opted not to have them present for Doc’s appointment the next morning which was smart. The horse was already down due to it’s infirmities and that meant the passing was a little slower.
Bottom line, know your child and know yourself. I do agree with the other poster who mentioned that sometimes it’s the adults who can’t handle a death. I’ve seen that time and time again in the 15 years I’ve worked with veterinarians.
My sons are 28. They were very young (under 2) when we had to euthanize my horse of a lifetime, so not much explaining there. We have sent several cats over the rainbow bridge during their childhood, but they weren’t involved in the decision or the visit to the vet. However, they took it all in stride.
When the cats they had as children finally got to the point of no return at the age of 18, I made a special effort to have them euthanized when both sons could arrange their work schedules and attend. We spent some quiet time with each of the cats, were all present when they passed, and were there to console each other. We also had a little wake after each euthanasia so that we could celebrate long and happy cat lives.
I realize there is a world of difference between 6 and 28, but I do think it was a very worthwhile experience for them to be present for the euthanasia. They are cat lovers and have cats of their own - seeing your first euthanasia among close family with a lot of support is a really good way to experience it.
I am firmly in the camp of being honest while sensitive to the age and temperament of the child at the same time. We do our children no favors by papering over the realities of life!
Godspeed to the OPs horse - I hope it goes as smoothly as possible and that the life of your wonderful horse is celebrated by the whole family.
I was lied to about my bunny at 4. Still was very confused why one bunny stayed, and Blackie “ran away”?
Then when I was 5, my dog went to work with my Dad. That evening, I still remember sitting on my Dads lap asking why if Cindy had cancer in her tail, why couldn’t we just cut off her tail and bring her home?
Tell the child, let them try to understand, be sad, but…at 36 (yup), I still regret I had no idea what was happening to Cindy my bff and “partner in crime” (she was a collie- we watched Lassie and ThunderCats together), and never saying goodbye and that I loved her.
Thanks everyone.
We talked about it tonight and visited with him. She knows the vets gave him some medicine but we don’t know if it will help him. We fed him carrots and hung out and talked a lot. She’s a little concerned (but so am I) but seems to understand.
He had his eye blow up in what looks like Uveits overnight and appears to have lost sight in that eye. The vets felt it was 50/50 the meds would help but we would have a good indication by tomorrow morning. If they don’t I plan to put him down as even though he has a good buddy he has other health issues and is a very spooky horse and I just think it would be too hard of a transition for a crazy 27yo TB to make who has never been a good patient nor super tolerant of anything.
He’s had a really good life and I don’t want his quality of life to plummet. The vet has been out as much in the last two months as the previous three years. It just seems like we’re not fixing things as quick as they are breaking. He’s the head of his 15 horse herd and I fear him slipping down quick if he can’t see out of one eye combined with being the oldest guy out there. I’d rather he go out still on top- because that’s just who he is.
Thank you for your advice!
[QUOTE=fordtraktor;8705827]
We unfortunately had to put down one of our boarder’s horses in December. My oldest son is 6 and my younger son is 3.
I told them that Dobbin had been having a lot of problems, which they knew, and that his body wasn’t working right any more and that he was in pain and that he was going to die. And that the vet was going to come and give him medicine to help him die so it wouldn’t hurt. I did talk to him about euthanasia, he had a lot of questions, and I explained how while we don’t do this for people now, it is a gift we can give our animals. though it hurts us a lot to lose them, God doesn’t want them to suffer and it is the right thing to do to make sure they suffer as little as possible even though it is hard to do and makes us sad. I mostly told him that because he was concerned that we knew exactly when the horse would die but not when we will die. He is a fairly contemplative 6 year old. So I sort of had to explain it.
I also avoid talking about horses being “sick” and that is why they are going to die. I don’t want my kids thinking that they might die every time they or anyone in our family gets sick. I didn’t really talk about age because the horse was younger than their pony and I didn’t want them to think their pony was going to die either.
We live on a farm so our kids are maybe more prepared for this speech than most, if some of you think this is a little much. We’ve found injured rabbits and other animals that I’ve put out of their misery before, and then explained why I killed them rather than let them suffer. So this is not a novel concept. And the older son sort of remembers our old dog we euthanized when he was 2.
My husband kept the kids in the house when the vet and I euthanized the horse. Later before he was buried I allowed my older son to go see him, though I had covered him with the cooler I always use for that purpose so he didn’t see anything really upsetting. Just feet and tail sticking out from under the cooler. But enough to confront the fact he was dead. I don’t believe in hiding death from children. Acceptance is part of the grief process. So we went and said a prayer and put a flower there.
He still talks about him sometimes and how we miss him. It always makes me cry. That is the worst thing about horse boarding, you get to love them all…
There are many ways to do this, you should go by your gut and what you feel is best for your own kid. My child was very interested and wanted to see the horse, and I didn’t want to make it into a big mystery. If your child is more timid, taking him completely away for the day might be best and just coming back when it is over.[/QUOTE]
I also grew up on a farm, and I think being really clear like this (in age appropriate terms the kid can understand) about our responsibility to pets/ animals in general is hugely important.
Please tell the truth. With my 7yo I have always told her after the fact, but when I had to put my 16yo BC down recently she was very upset that she didn’t get to say goodbye. In hindsight I should have told her ahead of time.
The one thing I’ve read is that you don’t want to say put them to sleep because it may cause a child to be afraid to sleep or afraid for their loved ones to sleep.
I told mine that the vet gives the animal a shot that makes its heart stop beating along with an explanation of why you can’t live if your heart doesn’t beat.
It’s not an easy thing and so much harder when you have to deal with your child’s grief as well as your own. I was un prepared to deal with her absolute heartbreak the first ti.e she was old enough to understand death.
Hugs.
We had to put our dear old pony to sleep a day after my husband came home from 3 months in the hospital. So a stressful time.
We told our DD the truth, that Valentina wasn’t getting better, that she was hurting, and the doctor was going to come and give her medicine to make her sleep forever, she would not wake up, and she would die.
We asked her if she wanted to come down and say goodbye to her before school. We told her over and over what a great life she had on our farm, after living in a terrible situation before that.
It sucks. It just does. But we felt that it was better to be honest than to play the “they’re going away on a farm” or something like that.
I went on shutterfly and made a book for her of photos of her pony and she together, and wrote a few little captions and sayings. She kept that with her for the better part of a year.
In reality, it was a blessing. In the last 2 years, my mom and my FIL passed, we had our beloved cat PTS, and our mini horse died. She handled it so much better having had that honest open experience.
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