That unpleasant person at the barn.

[Rosem]

That person at the barn who sucks all joy out of being there…

There is this person at the barn who I am led to believe is not a boarder/leaser but is there mooching rides off of other people’s horses.
She has somehow gotten the idea that she has the right to talk down to and bully the board paying owners. She is sweet as pie if she can get something out of you. I myself was dumb enough to be taken in by this act way back when.
I’m not good with conflict, and if I had not moved my office to a location three blocks away from the barn I would have said my polite goodbyes to the owners and returned to my former barn (I left there because of another bullying boarder who has since been asked to leave) I left on good terms I am sure I would be welcome back however that barn is seven miles in the opposite direction.
It seems that every morning I attempt to ride I see her vehicle in the parking lot and I keep driving because I would find no pleasure in the ride while she is on the property. I don’t want my rides to be recorded on a phone edited to look as bad as possible then passed around. Ten years ago that would be considered paranoid now it is all too easy to do for amusements sake.
How have others dealt with this situation? I am contemplating a formal letter of grievance to the owner. Should I speak to my trainer and get her involved? I know this non boarder has been less than pleasant to a new trainer who moved in about a year and a half ago and from what I can glean there are more who she has irked.

[lorilu]

Just walk away and ride your horse!! The world is full of such folks. DOn’t let her take your joy. IF she has done the video thing to others, That is something I would mention to the owners. Additionally, having non-boarders hanging around is probably a liability issue - she has not signed any sort of release as is probably contained in your boarding agreement. You might consider getting some other boarders on your side before you bring it up because it will get ugly.

[furlong47]

@lorilu

Additionally, having non-boarders hanging around is probably a liability issue - she has not signed any sort of release as is probably contained in your boarding agreement.

I’ve ridden friends’ horses or barn owned/lesson horses in several different barns where I never boarded. But I sure signed a liability release at each one. And the barn owner or manager was aware of my presence and I had permission to ride those particular horses. If this person is around that often and riding multiple different horses in the barn, how could those in charge not be aware (unless they are majorly absentee)?

[oppsfelldown]

Talk to your trainer, get her involved. Have your trainer talk to the BO. Also make it clear to the BO that the freeloader is not to touch, handle, feed your horse in any way.

In the mean time, reach deep down, find your lady balls and go ride your horse. Ignore her, wear ear buds if you can. Or schedule your rides for when your trainer or the other trainer are on the property. If she is a well known pain in the butt then they will have no problem running her off.

All else fails - change barns. Its only 7 mile. Not a big distance to have a feeling of safety at the barn.

[CHT]

Do you have a friend that could come out with you and call this person out?

My barn has the rule that any non-clients must be accompanied by, and the responsibility of a boarder. I dislike random people hanging about (aside from former boarders).

Does your Barn owner know about this person, and why is it they are allowed to hang about?

[Linny]

If this person is annoying but not harmful in any way, and everything else about this barn is good, don’t allow her to live rent free inside your head. She must have the BO/BM’s blessing to be there so you have to deal. If it is clear that she won’t be riding your horse/using your stuff etc and if you are clear that you are interested only in your trainers input, she will probably leave you alone. My mantra is: You get what you allow.

Every place you go (work, gym, supermarket) is going to have annoyances and you need to relegate this person to that category. If your horse is happy and everything else is good, don’t let one annoying person ruin you experience.

Like Lorilu, I have been the non boarder who is able to hack certain clients’ horses or such. For years I was the backup rider for a friend who was kind enough to only board where I was welcome to come and ride while she travelled extensively for work. I was quiet and tried to be friendly with all I met. At one barn, several people thought that I owned the horse because his owner was away so much. I helped re-set jumps in the ring, always cleaned up after myself and helped out whenever I could. As a result, I ended up being able to ride about 4 days a week without having a horse. Several people liked how I looked after Titus and offered me a chance to ride their horses. Not all “non boarders” are to be cast out.

[Janet]

It seems that every morning I attempt to ride I see her vehicle in the parking lot and I keep driving because I would find no pleasure in the ride while she is on the property. I don’t want my rides to be recorded on a phone edited to look as bad as possible then passed around.

It sounds to me as if you are letting her get to you.

Just ignore her.

Everyone who knows her will know that her (so-called) videos have been edited. (Or they won’t know enough to know the difference.

[Rosem]

Bit more background, this non boarder might at most be 20, 21 years old. She ‘used’ to own and board there. When she was a pre driving age teen she leased a very elderly horse and a couple of months into the lease the owner stopped paying the board and then went dark. NB was offered the horse and started paying board so there is a boarding contract somewhere.
I believe the ex owner took all the tack because NB had nothing. She had no saddle and was riding the old horse bareback. I had bought one of those 100 dollar nylon saddles you see on ebay – yes it was cheap but she took it anyway and did not interact with me until a few months ago when she had morphed into what she is now.
She as far as I can tell has a pattern. Bait and bully and if called on it - play the victim. I work too hard and spend too much of my income here to put up with this sort of manure.
As I said, If I had ‘not’ moved my office to my current location at 30% above market price precisely because it was two minutes to the barn I would be out of here months ago.
I am sure there are all sorts of liability issues.
I speculate (from overheard snippets- no proof ), that NB is working with the other boarders horses for pay and I doubt she had the forethought to purchase any sort of professional liability insurance. So I see her as a board increase waiting to happen when she does gets hurt. Like every trainer ‘ever’ she will tell the world she will never get hurt… until she does. I do not think that the owners insurance will step up if NB gets hurt and whatever medical insurance she has will be looking for someone else to sue when she gets hurt on someone else’s horse.
I just want her to go away and let me ride in piece. I don’t need to be called B* loud enough to be heard 40 feet away (NB has a vocal projection that would do credit to a Shakespearean actor)because I am too wary to interact with her when she tries to backtrack and pretend she is playing nice after she overstepped her bounds. She tried to blame it on the other person but I don’t care who said what, she may as well have, you are known by the company you keep.

My office lease does not end for another 3 and a half years. If I do end up moving the horses and trailer it will be galling.

[PonyPenny]

Why do we women have so much trouble with conflict? Guys would just tell her to STFU and move on. You should do the same.

[BrokenArrow]

@Rosem

I just want her to go away and let me ride in piece. I don’t need to be called B* loud enough to be heard 40 feet away (NB has a vocal projection that would do credit to a Shakespearean actor)because I am too wary to interact with her when she tries to backtrack and pretend she is playing nice after she overstepped her bounds. She tried to blame it on the other person but I don’t care who said what, she may as well have, you are known by the company you keep.

Then put in some earbuds, smile in greeting and keep going about your day. You don’t owe her any of your time and at the end of the day, who cares what she does? People will see through her antics sooner rather than later. In the meantime you are letting her upset you when there’s no real reason too. Who cares if she calls you a B? She’s the one who’s going to look like a fool for her behavior, not you.

Don’t let other people dictate how you enjoy your hobby. Life is too short to worry about people who will be a long distant memory in a year or so down the track.

[OverandOnward]

I understand how hard it can be to screen out a problem person, and then later avoid dwelling any interactions with them. Hopefully you can decide on an attitude and a strategy for keeping your mental distance from her while at the barn so that you get your barn time back at your convenience.

What relationship does the barn owner have with the pesky non-boarder? Do they interact, are they friendly, is it just cordiality or are they truly friends?

Let the barn owner know, quietly, of your allergy to the pesky non-boarder. The point you want to make is that the PNB is an incentive for you to leave the barn, when otherwise you would stay. The barn owner needs to know that the PNB is a problem in their business. If you feel this way it could be that others do as well.

Problem personalities can cost a business customers, even employees. It is costly to recruit and onboard new customers and new employees, as well as the disruption to the business. But business owners and employers can’t know what the problem is if no one tells them.

What is your trainer’s relationship to the barn and to the pesky non-boarder? Is the PNB also one of her students, and/or does PNB ride horses for the trainer? If so then it is worthwhile to let the trainer be aware as well, as she could possibly be equally affected by the PNB’s problems with her other students.

Keep the message factual, short and to the point, with some empathy for whatever it is likely to mean to the person hearing it. It may not be pleasant, but you can do this and defend what is good about your horse life. Good luck!

One time in my long career as a boarder there was a fellow boarder who pestered and annoyed the bejesus out of everyone else at the barn who had contact with her. For me, that was seldom as I was not there at the same time of day that she was, except for a few encounters. The lady had been kicked out of a series of other barns and the barn manager at this one took pity on her and her horse. However, the horse was clearly in charge and living extremely well, so we ran out of sincere sympathy for him, while cheering him on (he led her around, rather than she leading him). After many months of being good sports, the three boarders who had the most contact with this lady went together to the barn manager to say that they couldn’t take it any more and were leaving to get away from the problem lady. The barn manager was also at the end of her rope and gave the lady notice to be out in 30 days, so the other boarders would stay. It was a lively 30 days and the barn manager had to haul the horse to the next farm owner willing to take the lady to get her out, but at last she was gone. From a distance the situation was kind of funny as this problem personality was so outrageous. And yet, even with my limited contact, she is the only fellow boarder that I ever did as the OP did - saw her car, changed my plans and headed the other way to avoid her! Just once, and it wasn’t long after that the lady was kicked out of this barn, thus maintaining her unbroken record of boarding barn failure.

[Rosem]

OAO - I speculate that PNB is a good part of the reason that the barn was very empty in the fall. I know of one person who took three horses away due to anonymous missives left for her and it seemed to be in the style of NB but there are a lot of cowardly mean women at stables.

I was going to in a letter, lay out in dollars how much I spend and why I left the other stable to come to this one.

The owners are in their 80s and do not get out very often and I am sure PNB is sweet as honey to them when they are out. She seems to be practiced in who and how to manipulate. However the owners have been playing this game for 50 plus years so I am sure they know about toxic boarders or in this case ‘non’ boarders.

My relationship to trainers…
New trainer - friendly non professional
Trainer trainer - I pay her she pays the stable owners. Yes my horse is a bit of a pill. Full disclosure- one of her students that she felt was a match for my pill rides once a week. However no money is being paid by me and since it is under a trainers instruction I would think that the trainers insurance would kick in if anything went south (I have an umbrella policy that would cover in case trainers insurance does not). That being said I think the pill is better behaved with student than with me. (yes I think about work too much- even in the saddle)
Trainers relationship to PNB- casual friendly at most. I do not think that PNB has ever paid for instruction. Any equine skill she might have is from talking to trainers, books, youtube and an ability to work with animals which I think she may have gotten from how to establish dominance with pets then upgraded it to horses.

FWIW- When possible I do try to make the barn more pleasant. There are two large wooden gazebos on the grounds that I gave to the stable. Things just lined up that way they were offered at a price I could afford, and at the time there was no shaded place to sit at the stable. They are being maintained and sometimes used and it makes me feel like I contributed a bit more than the average boarder. If I left because PNB made being here so unsettling it would be the equivalent to having the bum sleeping on your neighbors couch make life so disturbing that you to sell your house and move.

[shiloh]

I used to have to ride with a teenager that behaved this way. Our mutual trainer looked at her one day as she was being a total misery to someone and commented “Wouldn’t it be nice if we knew someone from the Mafia (only she said it Maffia).” I think the same sentiment applies here.

[OverandOnward]

Sounds like the owners might understand the problem, if they are convinced. But after 50 years they will also have developed some callouses toward boarders complaining about other boarders, so be careful about how the conversation is framed. You want to be the reasonable person who has a good record in previous barns, and who will be preferable to have around compared with PNB.

Basically, the owners and the trainer need to see their lives as being better without PNB. So it would be good to have some idea of what they think of PNB now, and what benefit they think PNB is to them (what they really think, not their cordial customer relations selves). Even if they are unaware of PNB’s true behavior they can be helped to see it, although they may need a little time to do some additional research of their own. If there is any hard evidence such as notes written by PNB or things she has done that are clearly assigned to her, that will help.

However it turns out, at least you can handle it in a way that you’ll be glad you made the effort. Having a horse so close to work is something that would be hard to give up.

[Scribbler]

@Rosem

Bit more background, this non boarder might at most be 20, 21 years old. She ‘used’ to own and board there. When she was a pre driving age teen she leased a very elderly horse and a couple of months into the lease the owner stopped paying the board and then went dark. NB was offered the horse and started paying board so there is a boarding contract somewhere.
I believe the ex owner took all the tack because NB had nothing. She had no saddle and was riding the old horse bareback. I had bought one of those 100 dollar nylon saddles you see on ebay – yes it was cheap but she took it anyway and did not interact with me until a few months ago when she had morphed into what she is now.
She as far as I can tell has a pattern. Bait and bully and if called on it - play the victim. I work too hard and spend too much of my income here to put up with this sort of manure.
As I said, If I had ‘not’ moved my office to my current location at 30% above market price precisely because it was two minutes to the barn I would be out of here months ago.
I am sure there are all sorts of liability issues.
I speculate (from overheard snippets- no proof ), that NB is working with the other boarders horses for pay and I doubt she had the forethought to purchase any sort of professional liability insurance. So I see her as a board increase waiting to happen when she does gets hurt. Like every trainer ‘ever’ she will tell the world she will never get hurt… until she does. I do not think that the owners insurance will step up if NB gets hurt and whatever medical insurance she has will be looking for someone else to sue when she gets hurt on someone else’s horse.
I just want her to go away and let me ride in piece. I don’t need to be called B* loud enough to be heard 40 feet away (NB has a vocal projection that would do credit to a Shakespearean actor)because I am too wary to interact with her when she tries to backtrack and pretend she is playing nice after she overstepped her bounds. She tried to blame it on the other person but I don’t care who said what, she may as well have, you are known by the company you keep.

My office lease does not end for another 3 and a half years. If I do end up moving the horses and trailer it will be galling.

You are overly invested in this person and you are allowing her to irritate you. You felt you were friends with her in the past, and now you are over reacting to the fact she doesn’t like you now.

It doesn’t sound like she is going to leave the barn. It is none of your business what she does with other people’s horses.

You have a choice. Avoid the barn and go elsewhere.

Or else attend this barn and do the following:

To the extent she ignores you, genuinely ignore her and don’t let the fact she is around bother you. Right now you are working yourself up into self righteous anger about a very young very marginal and rather trashy person. She isn’t worth that much space in your head. Decide she dies not exist.

If she tries to be nice to you be courteous but distant and keep on walking. Have some good dismissive lines in mind prepared.

If she starts insulting you or being aggressive, document it. If it is egregious enough file a police complaint. Otherwise documents dates and times and submit a letter of complaint to the barn manager.

It’s also good to have a few choice insults in your quiver, things you know hit her sensitive spots. People like this will often dial it down if you know you have the power to embarass them publicly.

However to make this work you have to get over a few things that girls are taught in our culture.

In other words, not everyone likes you and that’s OK. You can just ignore people who don’t like you and you can fight back in some form if people actually harass you.

The world is full of people that don’t like you and that you don’t like, and guess what. They get to do their thing. They have all the same rights and freedoms as you except when they actually attack you.

[Rosem]

OAO-
Actually, I was thinking about paying for 6 months in board in advance then after 1 month stating my issue with PNB.
I would think that the barn owners having to write a mid four figure refund check might make them consider who is more valuable.
Yes, it ‘would’ be a chunk to come up with all at once but I would spend the same amount in the long run anyhow just not all at once.

Scirbbler- Yes. Thank you for your cool wisdom.
I did not expect to be her friend but neither did I expect to be bitten as though a serpent from the bible might (truth- non poisonous barn snakes are good. They keep the rats away, though cats are a bit nicer to pet and easier to feed when the rats are scarce)
Eventually PNB will come to find out that she is not that good a rider, that there is no money in horse training and that the lost a good chunk of her lifetime earning potential by playing around when she should have been in college or out the workforce gaining experience or even going the traditional route getting married, staying home and rearing children (An undervalued talent) yes her children may also be manipulators but that is the next generations problem.

[Groom_amp_Taxi]

I just can’t fathom how a very young adult with no status as a boarder, contractor, or employee at a barn can intimidate a woman who is successful enough to have her own business/office, support a horse, and who does have some standing as a paying client of the barn. Based on the information presented, I am picking up on a young adult with issues that are beyond the scope of a fellow boarder to resolve and a grown woman who is reacting more like an adolescent to “mean girl” type behavior directed her way.

The idea of paying board in advance to give yourself more clout with your complaint is just kind of passive-aggressive weird.

I encourage you to ask yourself what would be the ideal way for a mature adult to handle this situation and then DO THAT. I think the answer might be something along the lines of -

• go to the barn on your schedule regardless of whether PNB is there or not
• avoid interacting if at all possible and approach any unavoidable interactions with PNB with civil detachment
• document any actual interactions or events that would be recognizable as bullying or intimidation by PNB until you have enough to form the basis of a formal complaint to the owners
• build solidarity in your cause with other boarders if you can do so without searching it out and pot stirring

It takes at least two to make drama.

[Scribbler]

@Rosem

OAO-
Actually, I was thinking about paying for 6 months in board in advance then after 1 month stating my issue with PNB.
I would think that the barn owners having to write a mid four figure refund check might make them consider who is more valuable.
Yes, it ‘would’ be a chunk to come up with all at once but I would spend the same amount in the long run anyhow just not all at once.

Scirbbler- Yes. Thank you for your cool wisdom.
I did not expect to be her friend but neither did I expect to be bitten as though a serpent from the bible might (truth- non poisonous barn snakes are good. They keep the rats away, though cats are a bit nicer to pet and easier to feed when the rats are scarce)
Eventually PNB will come to find out that she is not that good a rider, that there is no money in horse training and that the lost a good chunk of her lifetime earning potential by playing around when she should have been in college or out the workforce gaining experience or even going the traditional route getting married, staying home and rearing children (An undervalued talent) yes her children may also be manipulators but that is the next generations problem.

Way way too invested.

And the prepaying board scenario makes no sense at all.

You pay up front six months. Then you tell the barn you don’t like another boarder and you are leaving.

So they say goodbye and good luck. They don’t need to refund your money. You are the one walking out on the contract. You lose the money.

You have to let go of her emotionally. She’s little better than a teenager. Just let it go. This is not a plague of biblical proportions. I expect no one really likes her but you are the single person who is so totally enmeshed with her.

[Rosem]

G&T- I am not so much intimidated as offended.
Suppose that the stable were a club supported by members dues(board).
Suppose that a member who ceased paying their dues 4ish years ago and was dropped as a member.and was only there as a guest of a paying member. Suppose paying member was rarely there and guest of paying member who was making full use of the facilitates of the club, not contributing to the upkeep in general making the experience of being at the club unpleasant for the members who are paying dues and contributing to the upkeep.
How would you react?

[Scribbler]

@Rosem

G&T- I am not so much intimidated as offended.
Suppose that the stable were a club supported by members dues(board).
Suppose that a member who ceased paying their dues 4ish years ago and was dropped as a member.and was only there as a guest of a paying member. Suppose paying member was rarely there and guest of paying member who was making full use of the facilitates of the club, not contributing to the upkeep in general making the experience of being at the club unpleasant for the members who are paying dues and contributing to the upkeep.

This doesn’t even make sense as a comparison. Your barn is not a club. You say the person is being paid to ride various boarders horses. Then she has the same right to be there as any other professional.

Btw, a club has the right to bar access to people who aren’t members. But if your barn sociopath is a paid up member there is nothing you can do to get rid of them.