I have been joking that I am on the road to divahood, even to the stage for the first time in 50 years riding I complained about the footing in the arena the other day…we have a vaulting club just started, and they are making curved lines, that we trip in:confused: I have happily schooled for years around everyone elses hobbies, but now I’m the one saying “but I can’t do my 10m circles”
Then I read this today, and sigh SOME of these I so identify with…
A Muddy Mayhem Guide: The Dressage Diva.
This is the Dressage Diva. They may look quite complicated but they are actually pretty simple to understand. They are fuelled by Diamanté and Prosecco.
The Dressage Diva likes to spend their time doing Dressage Tests. Dressage Tests are when the Dressage Diva wears a pair of gleaming white breeches that cost the equivalent of a 3rd world country’s debt and gets the horse to dance around a pristine sand arena, whilst a judge tells them how bad they are at getting their horse to dance. It is like Strictly Come Dancing just with more make-up and sparkles.
The Dressage Diva has an amazing memory. They can remember the aids for a perfect half pass, they can remember every piece of music from Valegro’s winning test at London Olympics and they can remember every best score they have had at every single dressage level. What they can’t remember, as they are trotting down the centre line, is whether they are supposed to be turning right or left at C.
The Dressage Diva might tell you their horse was a bit tense in his test. What The Dressage Diva means by that is their horse forgot every fucking single piece of training they have ever done and cantered around the arena like a fire-breathing, 3 legged goat. The Dressage Diva is just relieved they got to the final salute without being bucked off. The Dressage Diva needs a large glass of prosecco and a browse through the Equissentials catalogue to help them recover.
This is the scoreboard. The Dressage Diva stands here with the ultimate poker face. Even though The Dressage Diva appears devoid of all emotion, inside they are screaming at the sheer fucking injustice of their score and trying to work out how they can assassinate the judge
When The Dressage Diva wins their class they will be very proud. The Dressage Diva will post a picture of their rosette & test sheet on Instagram. The Dressage Diva will spend 15 minutes before they take the picture arranging the rosette & folding the sheet so it hides any shit marks & judge comments.
The Dressage Diva goes to The Trainer. The Trainer stands in the middle of the arena, holding their head to one side, their hands behind their back and shouting at The Dressage Diva. The Dressage Diva part hero worships and is part absolutely terrified of The Trainer.
The Dressage Diva loves matching things in pretty colours. They will spend all of their food shopping money on the set that they absolutely must have. The Dressage Diva may tell you that their aim is to ride at Grand Prix, but the truth is their aim is to have an outfit where the ear bonnet, bandages, saddle cloth and their t-shirt are the perfect shade of peacock blue.
No-one knows how many matchy things The Dressage Diva owns, even The Dressage Diva isn’t really sure. As part of this collection you might think The Dressage Diva has 5 beige saddle pads but this simply isn’t true. The Dressage Diva as 1 beige saddle pad, 1 taupe saddle pad, 1 light caramel pad, 1 dark oatmeal pad and 1 café-crème pad. All 5 just look beige.
The Dressage Diva has a pair of very shiny riding boots. The reason they are so shiny is because The Dressage Diva can only wear them for 20 minutes at a time or they dislocate their kneecaps. But damn they look good!
The Dressage Diva once went to watch some eventing with a friend. They saw horses getting muddy and things that didn’t match. This made The Dressage Diva a bit sweaty and anxious. They had to quickly drink some Prosecco and find something sparkly to buy.
The Dressage Diva might seem like a strange creature but really they’re not. They have never forgotten the moment that a perfect dressage test with the horse and rider almost as one, captured their heart. Whether they are competing at Grand Prix or an intro test The Dressage Diva is awesome, dedicated, passionate and maybe just a touch obsessed.
