There are pictures of his idol Nuno riding with his hands behind the pommel. In Nick’s alternate reality, riding with his hands on his 'nads means he’s Just Like Nuno.
I like your explanation better, though! "Reins of poly-cotton blend’.
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Hey, the Maestro would call that a Levade!
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Thank you for your insightful questions, @Paint_Party. In order to do them justice, I’ll reply when I have more time to give them the careful consideration they deserve. Hasta mañana!
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No no no, “the girl” is smiling and is playing with some weird gate where the foreleg is hyper-extended. Because all warmbloods do this when poorly ridden. “The girl” obviously can’t ride.
She needs the Maestro to train her in GP and Airs above the Ground. Clearly. I’m so sorry, girl.
/sssssssssssssss
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Had some fun re-reading the reviews of the book and the stellar (or non stellar, as it was a one star review) new review, and came across this gem:
“The book has 3 editor’s, so any hate about spelling or grammar is just hate for the sake of hatred.”
OMG, the irony!
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I just keep thinking “Fruit of the Loom”…
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The reviews for In The Name Of Love (I think U2 should sue), Nick’s other literary masterpiece, are not as numerous and he didn’t waste as much effort in creating alternate personas to rave about it.
Whoever wrote the review comparing it to Minute Rice risotto is a genius.
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I’m waiting for his next opus “Behind the Love”, which he can write after extensive therapy.
OK, that’s not happening.
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@Risuena, I must mention that not only is a capriole not part of the test, the front feet must also be off the ground. You landed early. 
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Surely you mean Fruit of the Loon?
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I believe Crotch PawsTM and Reins of Silk deserve to be inducted into the COTH Phraseology Hall of Fame. 
So when it comes down to it, Nick really has contributed something to, what I believe he termed, “the equestrian community.”
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I wonder if Crotch Paws will become his stage name.
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I am sure that will depend on the nature of the film…er…stage…
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I don’t think you could post the term “reins of silk” in Dressage on COTH without a good 80% of people understanding what you are referring to!
I pulled out, washed and wore my United States Cat Dressage Federation hoodie the other day. It’s officially again in rotation. I found a printout of the train route from Amsterdam to S’Hertogenbosch in the pocket (last time I washed it). Yep, I was proud to wear it in my select seat at that show and in the select trainer/owner “refreshment” area. People stared but no one asked about it I was the nutty American who drank lots of wine and ate lots of sushi (I was on vacation after a professional meeting!). 
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Crotch Paws makes me think of Swamp Crotch. Neither of which I aspire to.
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Alas, sadly I never had the pleasure of working directly with The Maestro. However, I have admired his techniques from afar, and have followed his Classical Training Methods as best as I could. For example, I did not go out and buy a Grand Prix horse! I bought a 3 year old OTTB instead. (Was he supposed to be rank and instill terror in all of the big name trainers? If so, then that too. Only I and my reins of silk could handle him).
Of course, I started working on our airs above ground well before we had mastered, or even had a basic understanding of, concepts like rhythm, suppleness, or contact. We’ve spent a lot of time refining our upper level movements; I prefer to work on these primarily while trail riding. Some may say my horse belongs at training or first level, but they haven’t seen his passage!! (while riding past horses galloping in a field). They haven’t seen his piaffe!! (any time I asked him to halt on the trail in the first year I owned him). They haven’t seen his canter pirouettes!! (Any time a horse comes at us head on in a warm up ring). They didn’t hear my friend gasp in awe “That was a legit capriole!!” (that actually happened, except for the “in awe” part). They’re just haters!!!
We’re also not afraid to debut a movement for the first time during a competition. Can you believe we had never done a levade before that show? Right, I know! And the judge was so jealous they gave us a zero! I bet their big fat warmblood could never do that at X! Just like happened with The Maestro, who got crappy scores on movements he’d never done before until the show! They’re just haters!!!
Now, to address your questions:
1. What special tips did Nick share that helped you attain your obvious “reins of silk”?
Despite his tutelage, I struggled with this concept until I bought a pair of reins off Facebook. The first time I used them, one snapped when my horse spooked (true story). Ever since then, I have never had any contact with my horse’s mouth, ever.
2. Did Nick force you to stare at old photos of Nuno for inspiration?
Yes, but I think he only had one.
3. Despite Nick’s tutelage, you lack his trademark hand position, which shall be forever known as “crotch paws”. How did you avoid that?
I’ve tried desperately to keep my hands in my crotch, but surprisingly have trouble stopping or turning my horse. I also kept passing the field master when we went foxhunting. I’ll keep working on it, but for now I ride with evil short reins. If you comment that this contradicts my answer to #1, you’re a hater.
4. We’re all curious. How much did Nick charge for his clinics and training? Was it truly free? Did you have to feed him? Where did he stay? (For example: On your couch, in the barn, in his car, etc.)
It’s a shame, I’ve offered numerous times for him to come to my state and give a clinic but something always comes up. But I understand, I know he’s busy.
5. During your lessons, did Nick trash talk Charlotte, or any other World Class rider? Did he ever go so far as to break down in tears and wail, “I coulda’ been a contender”?
Of course, isn’t it obvious that he coulda’?
6. Furthermore, were you ever treated to a rant regarding bathrobe-clad COTH hausfraus and how they ruined his Equestrian Dream?
Oh, THAT evil crew?! They’re just haters!
7. When you received the 46% for that… flamboyant… test, which expletives did Nick hurl toward the judge on your behalf?
I’m afraid I can’t print that.
8. Based on that performance, did Nick christen your horse an FEI Schoolmaster?
Why yes, he did! We’re actually planning on reprising that performance as a freestyle at Dressage at Devon next year, set to “Staying Alive” by the Bee Gees.
9. As a token of your bond with Nick, did you receive an autographed copy of his book? Did he throw in a t-shirt?
Yes! I can’t wait to get them! We’re just waiting for more to come in. He’s had so many orders, you know the effect the supply chain issues are having on everyone.
10. Can we expect a short-lived DAD trophy in your horse’s name?
Funny you ask! With The Maestro’s encouragement, I am debuting a new DAD trophy next year. The “Finn Chalice” will go to the horse with the largest spread of scores on movements within the same test. For example, we had a range of 7 in that test where we got a 46% (movement scores of 0-7). And just yesterday we achieved a range of 5 points! This will celebrate the flamboyant horses that are so often overlooked by critical, jealous judges.
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I raise my mug of espresso in your general direction, you are a true Master (Mistress?) of the Dark Arts of Crotch Paws Dressage. Those of us across the pond are in awe of your “mad skillz” with your one remaining rein of silk. Onwards and ever upwards, I shall look forward to seeing you compete in Paris 2024. Seriously though, fabulous stuff, love it! 
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Far from genius, I just found his recipe… inspirational. LOL The book may have been the worst writing I’ve ever attempted to slog through, and I love to read.
THIS is genius right here. I would love to see that as a trophy actually.
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OK. We’re going to need a movement by movement narrative (with photos!) of ALL of your tests with your boy from now on.
I’m jealous, BTW. The lowest score I ever got was a 4. Nice halt at X after entering. Then, head thrown straight up in the air with a neigh that everyone on the showgrounds heard and that almost shook me off. Score sheet had a 7 lined out with a 4 beside it. (Her boyfriend, Snowden, was tied at the trailer halfway across showground. I heard him answer her).
But seriously. Thanks for the laughs!
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