Nezzy,
So sorry for what you’re going through, and so sorry a$$holes decided to crash your thread. So here’s my illustrative anecdote:
A few years back, when DH and I were at the 50 mark, we were going through an awful time because DH’s beloved brother was dying of brain cancer. (Dying badly, not that there’s another way with brain cancer.) My SIL, a lovely, lovely woman, was determined to keep him out of institutional care. So, towards the end, friends and family would help here with the nursing chores.
DH kept making disparaging comments about SIL, saying things like the brother was leaving her plenty of money, he didn’t know why she wouldn’t hire nurses, etc. I was a little offended by this, because I thought my SIL was extraordinary. Each time it came up, I defended her, saying that for her, it was an act of love to care for him herself, I was sure it wasn’t motivated by money, etc.
But it kept coming up. So the fourth time it came up, when we were driving home from visiting them, rather than just defending the SIL and repeating the argument, I asked some follow up questions.
We ended up stopping the car in the middle of our farm driveway and the conversation we had was amazing. Hard but amazing.
It kept coming up because it horrified DH, and it was absolutely what he DID NOT WANT. Specifically, he did not want me, his sisters, his nieces or his daughter changing his diapers and bed linen or bathing him. He was appalled by the thought. So I promised him that I would not let that happen, and that whatever it took, I would have nursing care so he could preserve some semblance of our life together. I told him that if he had one good hour a day, the nurse would prop him in a chair on the front porch with a cocktail so we could look out at the farm and talk; or belt him in to the golf cart so we could drive around the property. (Two of our favorite activities.)
He didn’t know how to get to the subject or how to verbalize his thoughts, when I finally got it and repeated it back to him, he had a tear in his eye he was so relieved.
That moment was a watershed moment in our marriage, it redefined our shared values.
I suspect something similar is going on with your hubby, that the “I don’t need more work around here” and “unreliable” are coming from a deeper, scarier place. And I would gently suggest you might want to probe and follow up and you might be surprised by what you find out. It’s not about the pool, just like my DH’s issue wasn’t my SIL’s nursing style.
All the best to you as you work through this!
