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I realize it used to be common, but smoking is a fire hazard. No one should be smoking near a barn, especially someone teaching riding to a child or adult, modeling correct behaviors.
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Humor is great, but harsh humor around a beginning rider about their ability, especially a child, is not.
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A similar thing happened to me when I was re-learning to ride as an adult–the barn was located next to another barn, and the horses in a field started running. The horse I was riding took off at a flat gallop–it wasn’t the first time he’d been reactive with me or other (less beginner) riders. I got back on after falling off, laughed it off, and was defensive when people told me he wasn’t a beginner-suitable horse, but looking back, he probably wasn’t. Sometimes instructors just put a new student on whatever is available.
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The issues you describe would be issues even if your daughter wasn’t on the spectrum. This doesn’t sound like an appropriate program. Regardless of the level of ability, the instructor should be mentally and physically present for the whole lesson, not on their phone (except for a brief or urgent matter) or chilling and relaxing in a tent.
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Any horse can spook, but some horses are more reactive than others and IMHO a horse teaching a small child to steer at the walk on a hot, energy-sapping day that reacts like that to traffic by the ring doesn’t sound like the best choice of mount.
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I agree telling the rider to shorten the horse’s reins, sit up, and so forth is probably the best and only thing that can be done, but if the horse continues to say, spook at a corner, for a beginner sometimes the best thing is to put the horse on the lunge and make getting past the area a nonissue, if the rider doesn’t have the skills yet to work through “the scary place.”
I was born in raised in the south. My family is from a very small town in the deep south. I have not heard those “southern” insults. If you enjoy the lessons overall, maybe sit down and speak with her. Let her know how you feel and how it affects your daughter. Many people have not dealt closely with someone on the spectrum. Smoking around a barn is a huge no no and that alone would have me looking for another place.
I might also go visit other barns and see how their programs are run. That might give you an idea on if you should look elsewhere or not.
true but a Good beginner’s horse will look after its charge…and work on voice commands since most of the kid’s legs are too short to cue the horse
when we had beginners often you could see the horse sidestep to recenter its rider in the saddle. They also shorten their strides to accommodate the student
Not a Schoolie, but my TB Hunter once practically cantered in place to keep the rider (novice shareboarder) in the saddle through a combination fence.
Spook In Place has to be the Lesson Horse motto.
Instructor here - different country, but wanted to say absolutely 100% this.
OP your whole post was just a list of instructor ‘don’ts’ and red flags
I’d be on the lookout for a different trainer, one who takes children’s instruction and safety as seriously as they do their nicotine habit.
yes once a horse understands its mission in life they can and will do extraordinary things
We had nice buckskin that every kid wanted to ride since they all wanted to ride Spirit
in their mind they would be on
one day a young rider’s dad was commenting on how well his daughter was making that horse obey
I had to show him “that horse” could clear jump that fence with ease if it wanted, but its was looking after his daughter’s welfare
Lots of people are “experienced” that doesn’t mean it was good experience, or experience the person learned from, or is good experience they should share with new riders.
I’m going to whip him, or whatever… Is a no.
Your kids lesson horse spooked, which is bad enough as others explained, but no, the new to horses kid is not who resolves the spook. How the experienced person deals with it depends on what kind of spook it was.
Is there a lot one can do in that situation? Maybe, maybe not.
But the more experienced person should handle it since they are more experienced…
Your daughter needs and deserves better instruction so this interest isn’t squashed.
If you feel comfortable sharing your general location, I would love to help find better options for barns. And yes, as a Southerner, those “jokes” are terrible, much less directed towards a young rider in any capacity.
@ MFS2003 take the offer of letting folks here know your general area ( publicly or privately) there is a wealth of knowledge, care and connection here that may help you find a more appropriate situation for your daughter.
I have been a therapeutic riding instructor for over 20 years. 
Please move on from your current instructor and do look up a PATH program near you. If said program has no openings (many have wait lists) they can steer you to a more appropriate venue and instructor that they are familiar with.
If your daughter is not great in a group lesson, she can always have a semi-private or a private one… but in my experience the social interaction of the lessons with other riders and horses can be great fun.
I had a class of 4 independent emerging WTC ASD riders who were amazing and progressing very well (I am on leave right now due to knee surgery) - one was even mastering simple changes at the canter. One only cantered on the rail. Two opted not to canter yet as they were not ready - their words and concerns and that was great - they could continue at the level they were comfortable with.
They improved their skills together and our lesson was often a constant refrain of encouragement for the riders from me and for each other - “you’ve got this, Sarah!” - “that was amazing,Catherine!” And giggling (from them). I would airily “lecture” them that this was Very Serious Stuff and Not Supposed To Be Fun At All… and then get them to pay attention to the next figure we would be riding or to the obstacle course we were trying or reviewing how to do their two point correctly over the ground rails.
Yes, we had some spooks as no horse is 100% bomb proof. Not even the most steadfast therapy mount.
Our class was in the evenings and when winter set in and it got dark and the wind came up, horses could get a bit goosey and fresh and scoot forward or sideways for a few steps - “Sit up! Sit back! Let out a deep breath! Send him forward - Trot. Turn at letter B and take him straight to letter E and turn left - other left! Look where you need to go! Another big breath out… as you ask him to walk by the gate… breathe out whooooooaaaa… goooood job. Both of you.”
We had a couple of falls - soft plops on the dirt as the horse was usually making a sharp turn. After brushing the dirt off and checking in with the rider, the rider was given the choice to get back on - and they always did, to a chorus of encouragement from the other riders - even if only to finish the lesson at a walk.
If the rider had lost a bit of confidence we would have a leader clip up and walk with them for a lap or two, working on deep relaxing breaths and just chit-chatting. Inevitably, the rider would ask to be unclipped and be ready to go again.
After a spook or fall - infrequent as they were… we ALWAYS came into the center of the arena and had a chat about what had happened as the horses relaxed on a long rein and the volunteers came into the arena to hang out with us. Why do you think Sunny spooked there? What did it look like through his eyes and senses? Let’s imagine being a horse. What would you do to help him through it? or… let’s chat about Sarah and Star “parting company” in that corner… what did you see… how do you feel about it… why did it happen? They worked it out together.
One rider let out a loud Squeak of Surprise one night when she came off - her one and only time - and that Squeak became a sort of running theme with her and the other riders for a long while after that event. As they were helping to check their tack and get in line for the mounting block, they would ask each other (with more giggles) - *are you going to SQUEAK today?! I’m not!! Hey - remember - no SQUEAKING today!"
Cue the stern lecture about taking things seriously… 
Our mantra was Your Horse Follows Where Your Eyes Go! And the answer to almost everything was… Forward!
Although I did hear one of the riders untacking her horse afterwards and solemnly telling the volunteer that we used the F word a lot in class… as in FORWARD. Ummm… okay. 
ETA: Sorry for the long-winded post. I guess I just get very passionate about something I care about…
The other subject of calming a spooking horse I am not going to touch on because it’s been done…
However, in regards to the trainer…it’s time for a new one.
My niece did autistic and while I have limited experience, when I was younger I was a riding instructor and I had a very young (ie 4 year old) student who was a special circumstance. He started with the other trainer who eventually left (she was a special education teacher at her day job) and I inherited him. He was a grandson of the barn owner’s co worker. I don’t think he was off the lead for the 1st year of lessons, and then when he was, it was on our voice controlled beginner horse who had been doing lessons for YEARS and was virtually unflappable, except he was awful and to be honest, looking back, very dangerous to saddle, but the sweetest, safest horse you could ever find. Your daughter needs someone patient with suitable horses. Your daughter doesn’t NEED a therapeutic riding place, she needs a kind, gentle instructor whose willing to listen and has good horses. If you feel a therapeutic riding center is a better fit for you daughter then absolutely go there. In my experience, most therapeutic places don’t have normal lessons because the horses are used so much, most are older, some may have general soundness issues where they can’t do more than a walk but are serviceably sound enough.
My lesson student was non-verbal and had some behavioral issues, when I left, he had advanced to a more “advanced” lesson horse (she was not the nicest on the ground, looking back she probably had ulcers, but once again, super safe under saddle, just not voice command trained), he and that horse bonded like no other. He would babble and just make all kinds of happy noises, and his grandfather constantly commented on how amazed he was that horses were helping him.
Good luck @MFS2003. I hope you find better instruction for your daughter. It’s wonderful that she enjoys riding.
Many children stop riding because of poor instruction that leads to bad experiences, and you surely don’t want that to happen to your daughter.
Your experience is lacking.
The Theraputic center nearest me (one of 2 locations in this state) offers ridden & Driving lessons as well as Vaulting.
All of the horses are sound, some donated, some purchased. All are capable of much more than walk.
Google Reins of Life and look at videos posted on their FB page.
Not the case here, either. The two place I know of have very nice, sound horses.
The two in my area I know of are similar, sound sane horses.
The last hunter barn I rode at did therapeutic riding with a local school district special ed department. I volunteered as a walker.
All the horses used were lesson horses or boarders horses.
This is toxic for you go find a better fit.
This. Unless the nearby traffic included a suddenly backfiring car or something similar, I wouldn’t have thought this horse would be a good choice for a timid absolute beginner.
So sorry for your loss. 
I am committing an internet cardinal sin in that I haven’t finished reading all the responses but I felt the need to respond anyway.
I am a certified instructor and have taught for decades. I do not have any special training or certifications for teaching ASD students, but I have ended up with a lot of them as students anyway.
The most glaring thing wrong about the scenario you describe is the instructor under the tent at a distance. With most beginners, ESPECIALLY ones with learning differences, I want to be CLOSE. I want to be able to read their facial expressions and for them to see mine. I want them to be able to mimic my body movements - lots of kids and adults don’t process auditory instruction well but can copy the instructor. I have a thing I do where I stand in front of the student and then off to the side of the student to see if they copy me better mirror image or lateral image, and then rely on that preference. With some students, I put them on a school horse in front of me (actually riding double) to teach them how to steer and post. You can see some students get overwhelmed with verbal instruction, but the same kids can learn position, steering and posting through mimicry. With kids that can process some verbal instruction, I walk in front of them, demonstrating how to move their body to steer. Some verbal instruction, some copying, and the horses know to follow me. I’m never farther than a length or two away from them.
The other thing that horrifies me about your post is the sarcasm and hyberbole. It is VERY confusing for a literal-minded child to try to process either. Yes, it would be a challenge for me as a very sarcastic person to do so, but in dealing with someone neurofabulous, you HAVE to be literal.
Yes, spooks happen. Even to the best, most bomb proof school horses. Of course your daughter should have been on the most spook proof, but I have no way of evaluating that from your post. However, there are two approaches to dealing with a beginner experiencing a spook and fall. 1.) is to be sympathetic and minimize, ie, “Oh, well, you’re ahead of the program! It takes X number of falls to make a rider, you’ve got the first one out of the way. Up you get!” or to be highly analytical “You remember how we talked about how important it is to sit up straight? This is why; if the horse does something unexpected, and you’re tipped forward, it’s so easy to lose your balance. So anytime anything unusual happens, think about heels stretched down, sitting up straight and tall, and looking UP.” I don’t know which approach would have been more appropriate for your daughter, but I’m concerned that she appears to have gotten neither.
Please find a place for your daughter to ride that is more sympathetic to what she needs to be successful. Please.
