Unsure How to Handle This – Would Love Some Outside Perspective

[Kirikou]

Hi everyone,
I run a riding school in a fairly rural, close-knit area and could use some outside perspective on a “situation.”

One of my young Shetland students has a parent (the father) who is a high school teacher & who was recently arrested for having an inappropriate relationship with one of his own students (which he does not deny). The case is still going through the courts, and he hasn’t been convicted yet—but the arrest was heavily covered in local media, and as you can imagine, in a small town, “everyone knows.”

Up until now, the child’s mother or grandmother have been the ones bringing him to lessons. However, this week, the father brought him instead—and while no one said anything outright (this is the Midwest… ), the discomfort among other parents was very evident. A few approached me afterward to express how “shocked” they were.

I looked into our state’s laws, and if/when he is convicted and placed on the registry, he would legally be barred from being at or near youth-oriented facilities like mine. But as of now, we’re in a “gray area”. I do not want to penalize the child, who is a sweet kid and is already going through so much. But I also want to be mindful of the comfort level of other families.

Has anyone navigated a similar situation? How do you balance compassion for the child with maintaining a safe/comfortable environment for your larger barn community?

Thanks!

[trubandloki]

Oh my, what an uncomfortable situation for sure.

Did you happen to find out why the father brought the kid this time, instead of the people who typically bring him?

Could this be a one time situation (hopefully) and moving forward the mother or grandmother will go back to bringing the kid, like they have been doing all along?

[Kirikou]

Thanks! It sounded like mom and grandma had to work on that particular day (unsure if it was a one off though).

[Annie10]

You are wise to tread carefully. Everyone is innocent until proven guilty and you are running a business. That said, as a private entity you also have the right to refuse service/access to anyone for any reason at any time.
I think the way I would handle it is, if the dad keeps bringing her and it’s not just a one shot thing, is to have a sit down with the mom and the dad privately, maybe meet over coffee or something and explain the situation to them and just explain your position and ask them to please be mindful of the other parents and students and any discomfort the situation may cause. Also be sure to stress that you enjoy their child and would very much like her to continue riding etc etc etc .
Out of everyone involved that child is the most innocent party of all.

[moonlitoaksranch]

Wow, that’s tough. Could you offer to pick the child up for lessons, or the name of another parent she can carpool with? That tension can’t be good for the child either. I imagine horses may also be a bit reactive if everyone is uncomfortable.

[McGurk]

Great advice here so far.

I do think that the best plan is to talk to the mother and grandmother. Express sympathy for the difficult situation; ask why the father brought the kid and determine if it was a one time event or if it is likely to recur.

Then apologetically explain that having the father there made other parents very uncomfortable, and that while you understand he has not been tried or convicted, you would appreciate it if someone else dropped him off.

(A possible compromise might be that the dad stay in the car and wait for the student rather than hanging around the barn.)

[CanteringCarrot]

I’d just say that anyone under investigation for anything related to minors (I’m assuming that this was) cannot be on the property. You could claim that it’s a liability thing, and it kind of is.

I would be sympathetic about it, and as McGurk said, try to find out if that was a one time thing.

Does he just drop off and leave? Or stick around? The former might not be so offensive to others if he just pulls up, kid gets out of the car, and he drives off. You did say “Shetland students” so I am assuming that this kid is quite young and the drop off thing may be a no-go. Could the father stay in the car?

It sucks when a family has to feel the consequences for another family members actions, and I fully understand wanting to balance compassion for the child and a comfortable environment for the community. The latter may need to take precedent, as hard as that may be.

[Critter]

This is a situation I would say you should consult your own lawyer about…if he does end up being found guilty/convicted and he’s been on your farm and potentially near other minors during the trial time, you could possibly also be found liable for putting minors at risk or having a situation where he makes contact with another minor. Yes, we presume innocent until proven guilty…but in this situation you also have a responsibility to the minors who are at your farm, which you have a duty to protect.

[Zevida]

This seems pretty straightforward.

You call whoever the primary POC is for the kid and you tell them that “under the circumstances” (which will be obvious you don’t need to specify) that Mr. Smith is not allowed on the property. You love Student Smith as a student and you hope this does not impact their ability to take lessons.

Period. Don’t explain. Don’t blame it on other parents or anyone’s discomfort. Just “under the circumstances Mr. Smith is not allowed on the property, I hope we continue to see Student Smith.”

[hillary_again]

@Zevida: great advice. Very simple. IF the OP wants to go out of the way on this, she could be ready with a solution, like: “Mrs Anderson has offered to give Student Smith a ride to lessons. Her number is ___.” (assuming Mrs Anderson has in fact made that offer).

Keep the whole thing right to the point, very simple.

[mmeqcenter]

So much this

OP, YOU would not be penalizing the child. Their father put them in this situation and the fault lies with him alone. You have the safety and comfort of everyone that comes to your farm to consider, not just the one child. There’s two other people that have been bringing the kid to lessons, so it’s not like their dad is the only option and his barring from the grounds will prevent them from riding. And if it does because the dad wants to be petty about it, then that’s still the dad’s fault, not yours.

[cayuse]

Came here to say the same. I’d go straight to a lawyer with the question. Then the decision as to what to do would be documented in case of blow back.

[luvmyhackney]

Yes. Perfect response.

You aren’t doing this to the child, the dad is by his actions.

[Kirikou]

Thank you all so much for the great feedback! Much appreciated!