I’ve been riding 5 years now, used to have a pretty regular horse (stopped when he had enough, not forgiving but not naughty) until I finally saved up 3 months ago and bought myself an amazing mare that helps me out and helped me slowly regain confidence. I take lessons daily, been taking them with the same trainer for 4 years now and I’ve consistently been moving up 10cm each year since being with him, this year I was supposed to go to the 1.10cm-1.15cm but I feel more than ready for the 1.20cm considering I had jumped courses, as well as 1.25-1.30cm courses, like that at home with my trainers aid (whenever my trainer is away we ride with him).
But this week I didn’t have a single good day. During the week it wasn’t too bad, just some frustrating days, but this weekend was hell. On Saturday my mare had to help me out at every corner and get me out of some tricky spots while jumping the course, in the end we got it right but my trainer kept saying that he just ‘gave the client what they wanted’ and to not complain about anything, I left unsatisfied with the course on Saturday and I felt horrible since I’m pretty sure I rode my mare like sh*t. Then Sunday, on Sunday my trainer decided to let me jump alongside some of my friends that ride with another trainer. We started at the same time riding, different horses but we started at the same time, but they are jumping way higher than me which does cause me to be more conscious of my riding (I know that’s wrong, no I do not hate them and I’m actually happy for them and their biggest fan at competitions, I just feel very inadequate and I just feel like I shouldn’t even try because I suck and yes I know thats a toxic mindset and I’m working on not comparing myself to others) but anyways we were jumping and my trainer was beginning to get frustrated saying I was holding my mare back or that I should just stop if I was going to ride like that, etc but I felt I was riding my mare well but he wanted more speed.
My friends passed the course first, perfectly of course, and then it was my turn and I f*cking sucked. First go around mare refused a jump when we were almost we done (which she never does) but it was 100% my fault because I didn’t point her properly to the jump, but then we went to a triple combo and I didn’t get the right distance but she completely forgave me and jumped it anyways but I almost fell. Trainer got mad, yelled, told me to repeat everything, but with more speed and I did, but when I turned to do a bending line towards a jump I think I didn’t measure it right and asked for a way too long spot for the height and was going way to fast and my mare refused and I proceeded to fall off because I didn’t expect her to stop. 100% my fault, the distance was too long and after the horrible triple I would have stopped too but my trainer was pissed. Said I should just leave her like that but I didn’t want to leave her with a refusal, I asked him to get on her and do the course and he said no, so I asked if I could at least jump one last jump to leave her right.
He said ok, fine, lowered the jump she had refused and jumped that, but the second he raised the jump and I approached, I thought I had a good distance and asked my mare to jump but she refused (don’t blame her, probably asked her for a long spot or she was just spooked and I get it) and I fell off brutally. First time landed on my feet, second time landed on the jump. Trainer told me to just go to the trainer next to him (he’s a friend for both of us) because he couldn’t stand me anymore and I should just leave the mare. I asked him to ride her again please because I didn’t want to leave her with that but he refused and just lowered the jump and said to do what I wanted. I did jump her a few times and once I was sure she was okay I took her to her stable but honestly I was in tears.
I’m not prone to crying but I burst into tears and couldn’t stop, went to a friend of mine and cried with him hugging me and he asked if I was ok after watching the whole thing. He asked what had happened if last week both saturday and sunday I had jumped 1.25 courses like they were nothing but all I could do was cry and feel horrible. I love my mare and felt like I let her down, felt like I had let myself down, and by how my trainer ignored me afterwards I’m sure he was more than angry at me. Honestly considering just leaving the sport after this, I know its dramatic but I feel defeated and worthless, like I suck and don’t deserve my horse after what I put her through but more than that I’m also frustrated because I feel I do have potential to jump higher but I feel like my trainer isn’t helping me do that and just teaches me the same things and lets mistakes slip, that or maybe his style of teaching isn’t for me. I’m taking a break this week and told him to just ride her every day, I’ll come at another hour to go see her and if I can I’ll ride her a few minutes to which he agreed.
I have talked to him before about the way he talks to me and refuses to explain things when I get confused or don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. He yells and says he’s already explained and I should know by now or that if I don’t know what I’m doing wrong how is he supposed to know.
So yeah, in summary, I fell off twice during a lesson while riding a high course and I feel like sht now. Just wanted to vent, please don’t call me names or tell me I’m sht, I really don’t need more hateful critique and I’ve seen some posts on here were people get destroyed by the comments and this is just a vent
Side note: I’m still getting to know my mare and she has a very powerful jump and stride, when she refused I couldn’t sit properly and she caught me off guard both times so combined with her strength and I just flew.
