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What can we do?

Hire a lawyer to write a lawyerly, very threatening letter stating that she will be taken to court for past board. Your parents don’t have to have a good case to actually win in court–there is no harm in bluffing. Deliver that via certified mail that she has to sign for. Don’t answer the phone when she calls, just let her stew on this. Then a few days later, drive to where she lives with the $1 bill of sale, all ready for her to sign. Tell her she’s going to lose in court, and when that happens, she probably will never be able to get a car loan or home mortgage.
Don’t leave until she signs.

If your parents can’t afford to get his teeth done, they probably can’t pay a lawyer. As a good daughter, you should offer to fund it. You can put up electric fence at home to divide the turnout and keep them separate, and bring your horse home for six months to get the money for this.

If you guys aren’t willing to do any of this, or it doesn’t work, I’d honestly question what would the real-world consequences be if they euthanized the horse and just lie and say it was colic. Put it this way-- if he really did colic and was in great pain, they actually would euthanize, wouldn’t they? And is your sister really going to take them to court over it? (This is very bad legal advice. Just saying that I would consider that solution, despite it being bad legal advice.)

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And she’s 18 or close to it? Sorry, tweens can’t own real property. This amounts to a pet and if she has left the animal behind, she has no control over what is done with a family pet. Go ahead and rehome it, sell it, or euth it. Your parents can give her a deadline, “Susie Spoiled, you have until April 1 to move Dobbin to another facility and enter the real world. Debbie Do Right wants to help with this if you will allow her. After April 1 Dobbin will be considered abandoned here. As we are not considered a boarding facility, we are not interested in accepting money for his care even if you were to offer because we understand college is taking up your time and attention, and we no longer want to be responsible for tracking his health and care while you are away.”

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Yeah, if the parents are on the bill of sale they can easily sell or rehome the horse. To me, it sounds like it is the OP who wants the horse gone and the parents either really don’t care or don’t want to alienate the daughter who owns the horse by getting rid of it.

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I totally get why it sounds like that but both parents do what him gone. Only getting parents to take any action on it is next to impossible. This has gone on my whole life when my sister brings home any animal. My dad really cant stand having any animal at the house (he really does not like them) and my mother is way too over worked. This ends with the horse standing in his own manure in his stall all because dad wont take care of him and mom is at work. Due to the horses aggressiveness towards other animals mom has had to sell her ponies which she loved. She spends so much time taking care of the horse that she has sold most of her own hobby animals and projects.
When we left home it was the understanding that all our animals got rehomed aside from the fish and cats. I held up my end. Plus they really cannot afford to take care of him.
I do realize I am pushing it but this is not fair for the horse or my parents. Unfortunately mom is way too passive when it comes to any situation and sister takes advantage of that.

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I understand you wanting to help your parents out but if you want to arrange getting rid of the horse for your parents, then be prepared to be the bad guy - that might actually be a big help to your parents. I suggest you line up a good home for the horse and tell your sister the horse is leaving to a new home on X date. If she wants it, she can come get it before then. But do talk to a lawyer before doing anything. Sounds like the horse is not having a great life right now so a reputable rescue may be the best option. It’s not a lie to say the owner has stopped paying the bills and is not caring for the horse. And please get its teeth floated. The poor creature should not suffer because its owner is a wing nut. Good luck!

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i’d say that this is between your parents and your sister, and that you’ll be happier if you stay out of it.

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Lord, this sounds like something off a Reddit thread.

OP, I’ve had to play parent to my own parents. It sucks. But you might need to do that here on behalf of the horse who sounds miserable and cannot speak for himself.

If mom loves animals, make the plea to mom. Tell her you know she doesn’t want to rock the boat with sister but this is completely unfair to the horse who needs medical attention and isn’t getting it. Tell her it’s wrong that she had to sell her beloved animals so her daughter’s horse could sit around and get neglected. Tell her that your sister is being a selfish brat in refusing to take care of this and that something needs to give or the horse is going to continue to suffer and she and your dad will continue to get taken advantage of. Tell her to stop kowtowing to her daughter, who clearly wants nothing to do with this animal anymore, and take responsibility for getting the horse somewhere where it will get the care it needs. If you can, go find the bill of sale for the horse and pull it out and show it to mom. If your sister was a minor at the time the horse was purchased your parents name(s) are on that document, which gives them the right to sell it.

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Sorry your family is so whack. Your parents are using both of you; her to blame and you to fix. Mom sold her ponies because caring for animals was becoming a burden, sister horse was a good excuse. This explains why she isn’t caring for Dobbin.

Just tell your parents to sell/rehome Dobbin and let Sister do something about it. My guess is she is just like your parents, she wants someone to fix her problem, then she can take the high road and whine about it too.

For you, just stay out of it, you’re going to be blamed otherwise. Probably no matter what, really. The whole situation sucks for you and Dobbin.

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Yes unfortunately ill get blamed no matter what I do. I have 3 months before I move home again and the horse just makes being home tough. He puts a strain on everyone’s relationship. Between arguing about who has to care for him and putting a damper on being able to enjoy my own horse or vacationing (which we cant do thanks to him)
My mare is due for getting her teeth floated right after we get home so ill see about getting him scheduled too. I really am not in a place to be able to pay for his teeth so maybe I can bully sis into paying for it.
Now dont get me wrong, I am fully able to pay for my own horse’s things. I dont want you guys thinking that my mare is neglected as well. I am able to pay for her and all of her vet bills that keep piling up (thanks to proud flesh) in addition to her training. I just dont have money laying around to pay for other peoples horses. I chip in by helping and buying his grain when I run to the store to get my own horse’s grain and often times end up feeding him my mares grain when we run out of his (sister was home for a period of time and would let him run out and go days without buying more)
Sorry for the rant. Its been adding up for a while. I know its not my problem but im just done

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Who is paying for your sister’s college tuition? If she is, then she can choose to abandon her horse at home and you can sell it/donate it.

If she is not - why can’t your parents use tuition money as leverage?

Who is caring for the horse now? (Feeding/water, etc?) Your parents? So they feed, clean stalls, haul water, etc. every day?

To be honest, there is an element here that you want the horse gone because you want to put your horse in that barn instead of paying board elsewhere. Even if you had her permission, you still may not be able to find a rescue that will take it, or someone to buy it. What is your plan then?

Is there no possible way to put up another fence to keep them separated? Electric fencing isn’t really that expensive.

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I’m going to pop in from the other side.

It can be really hard for parents to sell or dispose of their children’s pets once the kids leave home. The pets are a link to the child and maybe the parents hope a draw for the kid to come visit. Usually of course the pet is just an aging cat or arthritic dog that is less work.

The parents may complain about the pet but have no actual desire to get rid of it. They may not have the cash for all the currently mandated vet care but they will keep that pet as best they can.

On the other hand there is nothing quite like the guilt and avoidance of being away at college and knowing you are skimping on your abandoned pet or horse.

I agree there are missing pieces to this story as told here. Sister away at college: either parents are paying or she is living on student loans and has no spare cash. Why hasn’t she been home in a year? Most college kids make it home over the summer and at Christmas. And if she’s only 18 I assume she just left in September 2020? So if OP is also in college, OP must be older. And OP must be on student loans as well. How can OP afford to pay everything for her own horse and take it back and forth to college and board it out, but the thought of paying $100 extra to get the other horse floated pushes OP into bankruptcy?

I’m also curious about the parents. If they are in their 60s and 70s now, it means they had their children in their 40s and 50s. That’s of course possible, but there aren’t that many 55 year old men with toddlers.

Anyhow, as long as horse is getting minimal care feed and water, I suggest OP just butt out and let her adult parents and almost adult sibling negotiate this on their own. I don’t think the parents want to get rid of the horse, whatever they say. Feeding hay to a retired horse is not that expensive. He can live outside so stall cleaning isn’t as big an issue.

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Her student loans are cosigned. Not sure if that makes a difference. For now my parents are caring for the horse. My niece comes over occasionally and they pay her to clean and help with him but most of the time its just them. My niece cant do much with him just because he hasnt really been handled much and she is not that experienced with horses.
Yes part of me would like to not board her else where. I will if I have to but I dont really want to have to. When I first brought my mare home we separated the two of them with a fence, he broke down the electric fence and injured himself and tried to injure her. We tried putting them together, its not that he is aggressive he is just an aggressive friend. Wont let the other horse eat, be caught and will kick the **** out of them.
Like I said above the euthanizing may have to be our option if we cannot rehome him, plus thats why I am asking you guys for ideas.

Okay well my living situation really isnt something I want to talk about but since you insist. Sister goes to school on the other side of the country and is working on buying her own place with her boyfriend.
I never said paying for her horse’s teeth floating would put me in bankruptcy, I said that it is an extra expense that I cannot really pay. I have money and work my butt off for my horse but I dont have money laying around to pay for someone else’s horse. Plus I am currently dealing with vet bills for my own horse.
She was home for Christmas, hence why I said that when she was home I would end up having to lend her my horse’s grain when her horse ran out. She is not planning on coming home for the next year or so, mostly because she has a life out there she cannot leave, job, boyfriend, etc. Expensive plane ticket isnt on the list for her currently. I mean I completely get it, I am only a couple hours from home and cant always go home during school vacations. Not to mention covid is making traveling hard.
I dont get why my parents ages when they had me is your business but yes they were older when they had my sister and I. Dad took a while to settle down and get his life together. He is the best dad in the world and deserves to enjoy his retirement.
Like I also said my dad strongly hates animals, especially animals which are not his that he has to care for. He enjoys the dog and one cat… thats it. When we left for college he made it very clear that we were to rehome the animals. If it were up to him he would have PTS the horse when he got the chance…but it really isnt his choice.
If you are not aware, we are currently in a hay shortage where 50lbs bales are about $14 a bale, if you can even find hay. He goes through a bale a day plus grain, he goes through a bag of grain every week and a half. He is a hard keeper so it is not as easy as just throw him hay and we are not set up for a run in so he needs regular stall care.
Thanks for coming to my Tedtalk

It might be worthwhile for everyone to sit down together, virtually if necessary, and really talk about these issues. So you, your parents and your sister need to find an hour or two, uninterrupted, to talk.

Everyone should list exactly what they think the current situation is, what the problems are, and (within reason) what everyone would like to see happen in a non-Disneyland world.

Everyone should try to stay on script during the talk and not bring up long-term, unresolved issues (of the “you have never taken any responsibility for anything in your life!” variety).

Focus on the topic at hand. Your parents, if they are genuinely concerned about costs right now, need to have a list of those costs. Or, if they’re more concerned about not being able to or wanting to do the work, or if they were to slip and fall, etc., that is what they should focus on.

If your central issue is that you have to pay board on your horse while your sister gets a free pass, then present the costs. Lay it out. But focus on your concerns and let your parents speak for themselves.

Such a talk may not actually fix things–horses run true to form and so do people. But at least everyone will know what’s really going on and maybe an longer term plan can be hammered out.

Good luck.

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Why not? He (and presumably, your mother) are paying the bills. They have every right to decide if the horse should be euthanized or not.

I agree that the best option for family harmony is a Zoom call. Euthanizing or rehoming your sister’s horse without her permission is likely to cause some friction. But, it sounds like she needs to hear the options and be part of the decision.

To be honest, I would strongly consider euthanasia - he isn’t going to be anything a rescue wants either. Hasn’t been handled much, an aggressive/bully in turnout, and a kicker. No one wants that horse.

Alternatively, your parents can continue to offer him a retirement, but obviously that is not easy either.

How old is this horse, anyway?

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The horse is 22 years old. The biggest problem is she says she will start working on rehoming him, parents back off and then months later she hasnt done so much as researched a rescue or write an ad. Shes dragging her *** and taking advantage of everyone.
I dont really think my parents have realized they can take action with the horse until now.

It seems like you are taking some assumptions and being a bit rude. Her personal life and age of parents doesnt really matter in this nor does her financial situation.
Not everyone can pay for animals that arent their own, that doesnt mean she will be “bankrupt.” The $150 teeth float can make a difference between extra lessons or a better saddle. Shes already doing more than enough for the horse.
It seems to me youre just looking for an issue?

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Hopefully they can move forward with some kind of resolution for everyone.

Is the horse still useful? Rehome him to someone who wants to get him up and going.

It’s not that uncommon for people of either gender to have kids in their 40’s. I know several such folks. Including a divorced man with one child from his 1st marriage who got remarried in his early 40’s to a childless woman roughly the same age. They then processed to have 3 kids in quick succession. I feel old & tired at age 45 with young teenagers. :confounded: But to each their own.

@Brokegirl, someone ( Colin Powell, iirc) once said, “You don’t know freedom until the kids are grown & the dog is dead.” I suspect there are some private dynamics of the relationship between your mom & dad at play here. The empty nest years are often hard on a marriage. Couples finally have the time to reconnect in the absence of the relentless hustle bustle of raising kids. Sometimes, they’ve both changed a lot & have to renegotiate the relationship as two new people. They may no longer agree on how they want to spend their golden years together (I thought we agreed we were selling everything & RVing around the country!) They may be very surprised that what they wanted is no longer what they want. They may find they don’t know what they want. They may act in ways that baffles the other.

It is possible your mom sold her project animals but is hanging on to this horse as a way of bracing against permanent change. While her horses were easy to sell, this one has a built in excuse not to. Or she could even privately resent your father for the fact she sold her horses. You just don’t know. And unfortunately, it is not something that you want to be stepping into the middle of.

Another thing: IME men who are afraid of things often do not admit to that fear. Instead, they may act dismissive, defensive, or even combative in communication about the subject of their fear. It’s possible that your father is actually afraid of horses. Many people are afraid or at least unnerved/intimidated by horses. That’s one of the reasons they’re used by law enforcement agencies for crowd control. And this horse of your sister’s does not sound like a pleasant one to deal with, either.

It sucks, & it isn’t fair. But I think your best course of action is to continue to board your horse. Enjoy him. Take a big step back from the situation with the sister’s horse. If either parent attempts to complain about it tp you, politely tell them that it is between them & your sister & you are not going to get in the middle of it. You can’t be more invested in their behavior than they are or you’ll go crazy. The only exception? If it rises to the level of true neglect. Then you get the appropriate 3rd parties in to handle it. Easier said than done, I know :heart: Good luck!

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