Give the horse away and don’t tell the sister. It seems she’s not coming back home for at least another year. Deal with her then - IF it becomes an issue, which I suspect it won’t.
OP does not have any ownership stake in this horse so no right to give him away, that would put off any rescues or potential adopters or fosters as well as some service providers.
Honestly, staying out of this seems best, its more a family dynamic issue between parents and sister best addressed with the help of a professional.
The thing about Sis going to buy a farm with her boyfriend…yeah. Right, that’ll happen soon fer sure.
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I think part of the problem is that the OP gets put in the middle when at home because the parents expect the OP to take care of this horse and the parents complain about this horse.
Really it is a no win situation.
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But the parents can. Possession…money spent… whatever…the daughter doesn’t really care about the situation and again, doesn’t sound like she plans to come home for at least a year. I agree, the buying the farm with the BF is unlikely to happen.
OP
Your problem isnt this horse or your sister. It’s your parents who made it your problem.
You need to sit them down and explain to them it’s not your horse and you are not obligated to care for it in any way. Feed, cleaning up after it or any veterinarian expenses.
It sounds hard hearted but this is not your horse and not your responsibility.
If your parents dont want to care of it then let them deal with selling it, donating, or euthanizing it.
I get wanting free board while you are home. But it sounds as if that isnt an option. Find somewhere else to keep your mare and be done with it.
I didnt say this would be easy, but it is doable. Welcome to the adult world where adults who should be responsible arent.
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Well…with a caveat. When adults live at home, they either need to pay part of the living expenses or work it off in trade.
I would have no trouble telling one of my kids that they could move back home and bring their horse - but that in return, they would need to care for, and possibly pay for basic care for the retired horse that used to be their sisters. In theory, it’s not really a big expense or time commitment, in comparison to an actual rent + utilities payment.
Unless the OP is planning to pay rent or other expenses, it’s not unreasonable that the parents may see this as an trade in lieu of rent.
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Chances are any 22 yr old horse that is given away will end up on the road to slaughter. Also if sold for a low price (that’s less than what the current $/# is) s/he will probably be hauled to the meat packers.
and youre just assuming I dont also pay rent?
I’m not assuming anything. I’m answering the post which said “it isn’t your problem.”
It could be “your problem” - if your parents thought it was a worthwhile trade in lieu of rent. So, I added a caveat to the blanket statement “it isn’t your problem”.
Or, it could be in addition to rent. Not every parent wants their adult children to move back home. So, they may see this as a win-win if it means you care for the other horse. Not saying it is right, wrong, or something else. It may just be the way they think it should be handled.
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I’m advocating for the OP here.
I think her family has major problems of which the horse is only a symptom.
They need some kind of counseling and I’m pretty sure it’s not going to happen.
The parents created the problem and instead of dealing it with they throw it all on the OP.
That’s just wrong. Imo.
The OP 's obligation to her parents is not the same as her sisters and I dont think its right to expect the OP to assume her sisters obligations because OP is staying too.
I may be interpreting incorrectly and if so, I apologize for the error .
The OP does need to find her parents legal counsel as it seems she is the only responsible person in her family and then let them hash it out.
There is a risk with this approach of course. Her parents might not appreciate it and take offense.
It might cause a schism in the family. It may cause the OP problems with finding a place to board her horse.
Only the OP can determine the risk/reward.
Sometimes adulting just sucks.
I wish you well OP and I hope you can find a solution that works for all of you.
I totally get that it may be difficult for the OP to stand up to her parents. But I think she should because her parents need to see her as an adult who has the right to live her own life and not somebody to their work for them.
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Or, you could arrange to ship the horse to your sister. Call her and say, “Hey, Sis, we have arranged to ship Dobbin to you, so you will need to find a place to keep him. If you don’t have a place the shipper will drop him at your door, even if you live in the city. Let us know which address we should send him to. Love you, bye.” That may get her attention.
Seriously, this is causing a problem for you and it is not of your doing. Why don’t you try to find other living arrangements? Tell mom and dad, “I’m not moving home, I have found another place to stay. I don’t want to deal with the drama of Sis’s horse. It’s not my horse and I won’t allow you to make it my problem. I love you, but I’m not getting stuck in the middle of this.” And then stick to your guns.
When I was in college, my sister, who lived at home, made my life (and the rest of the family’s) pretty miserable with her antics and behavior. I solved my problem by moving out. I was 19, had my own apartment, paid my own bills, and paid for my own schooling. (I know it’s a lot harder to do these things now, so don’t anyone jump on me.) I solved my problem, the rest of the family had to continue to deal with her. But that was up to them.
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At this point I am not really sure whats going on. Seems like there is no winning. The only one who can make my sister do anything is my mom and she says shes doing things but hasnt lifted a figure to rehome him since sis left.
Dad is past his breaking point, this is putting a lot of stress on his relationship with my sister and me. He doesnt want either of us mad at him but he cant handle anymore of caring for the horse.
Sis has ruined owning animals for all of us. This is far from the first time shes done this. Chickens, goats, more chickens etc. Its always the same story. She loves buying animals.
After college Ill be looking for somewhere on the opposite side of the country. I really doubt the problem will be resolved by summer, unfortunately I dont have a choice but to go home.
Im looking for somewhere to board my horse, hoping that my job will have an open stall that I can work out an arrangement.
I hate that this is ruining my relationship with my parents, and my parents relationship with each other.
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I have watched my friends with teens and young adult children. Its very common for parents to adopt a pattern of complaining and enabling, grumbling and caretaking. I learned long ago to not say much beyond uh-huh. They don’t want an outsider trying to help solve their problems.
Aging pets can be a link to the child who left home.
It’s difficult if you are in the family and feel your options are being limited by the family dynamic. All I can say is that while parents do love their children equally, they can be quite unequal in how they deal out material and emotional support. They may evaluate the needs of the children differently. They may give more support to the neediest problem child, or conversely to the more independent child to either support their ambitions or try to maintain power over them.
Anyhow, if you don’t like the dynamics of your family, as said above, getting financily and emotionally independent of them as soon as possible is the healthiest approach. Trying to change the dynamic is about impossible.
Edited to add, this does not have to ruin your relationship with your parents unless you want it to. Just step back and accept that this is not in your power to change. You can’t fix your father’s relationship with your sister but you don’t have to fight with your parents. Just let it be. We are talking about 4 months board, correct, until you take horse back to college? And you say your parents don’t even want a horse on the property?
Reading between the lines I hear a lot of long time resentment at your sister and at your parents for letting this continue. And an undercurrent of entitlement, I should be able to keep my horse there if I want.
Well, guess what. You can’t. If they get rid of sisters horse they may not want yours there. They may think one horse with absentee daughter is better than one horse with local daughter.
Stop pushing for a resolution that benefits you, stop fighting with your parents, and find a place for your horse. You are mostly self supporting now, with student loans and part time work. Continue this independence.
Am I right in understanding that you are getting a barn help job for the summer? Why not get a job that will be experience towards your future career? Those summer jobs are really useful opportunities and you on the job market after you graduate will be competing against graduates who got early professional experience.
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This ^^
If you want to have a good relationship with your parents, then cheerfully do the horse chores while you are there. I’m not saying you should pay for dental work, but feeding, mucking as needed (maybe once a week since he has a paddock?) and not complaining or feeding into their complain ts would help all three of you.
Yes it is a bummer you can’t have your horse at home, but you know, you can’t get what you want, and this could be a great opportunity for you to become an adult in action in the eyes of your parents, which is a pretty fabulous transition to make!
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They dont mind animals being there as long as the animal doesnt end up as their responsibility.
Yeah, im sure if anyone had to deal with this situation for long enough they would be just as irritated as I am about it.
Its not that I cant keep my horse there. Like I said before I could and my parents have no problem with it, its just that with sis’s horse he becomes very dangerous with other horses, it makes it hard to work with my own horse and hard to keep the peace. It wouldnt be a fair to either of them. I dont know where you think the entitlement is coming from because I have explained this before.
My parents want my mare home because the whole family can ride her and enjoy her. They love her.
Im fighting for a resolution that benefits all of us but in the end its more about the horse and getting him somewhere better for him than it is about me or anyone else. Hes the one thats suffering the most.
I didnt say I was getting a barn hand job. I am getting working at an internship and they happen to have work horses. Im doing fine with working on my future thanks for your input though.
I read through all of my comments and cant find anywhere that supports your problem with me not wanting to board my horse. Yes I did say I would like to keep her home, as anyone would, but I have said a handful of times I have no problem boarding her if needed.
Boarding her is not the problem so can you please stop making it the problem.
Me pushing my parents isnt a problem (Because I dont) I offer suggestions and help when they bring it up but thats about it. They are the ones stressing our relationship using the horse.
You keep “reading through the lines” and creating your own ideas but you just seem to make false accusations without actually reading or understanding what I said.
If you want to be helpful then Id love to hear it but so far you have only been rude and off the mark.
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Have you explained to your parents that they are likely the legal owners of the horse? Since we’ve determined a minor can’t enter into a contract. Are you able to find any bill of sale or other documents from when horse came into your family’s possession?
If your parents are ok with idea of them being actual owners of horse, ask them to sell it to you for $1 or $5 or whatever. Do up a bill of sale. Tell your sister you’ve become owner of horse and will be dealing with it. Personally, I would euthanize in this situation because his age combined with general attitude issues do not bode well for his future. You can lie to her if needed or tell her you put him to sleep and just accept she’ll be pissed for a while. I don’t think she’ll be flying back across the country for a showdown.
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Really.
It’s been a couple of weeks since this topic was started. Do you have a status update?
Bottom line - unless your parents want to take action or sell the horse to you, there is nothing to do.
I did post a little bit of a status update yesterday. Not much of a difference with the last couple weeks. I try not to bring it up with them and let them come to me if they need help. We talked about it on Sunday because I called them while they were out buying hay for him. ( Hay price has gone up and they are struggling to afford to feed him). Both parents are under two different under standings, dad had no idea they were the legal owners but that still doesnt really make a difference.
They are waiting on sis to make the first move to avoid hurting her. I understand why, they really are in a bad spot. I sent them a link to a really great rescue in our area that would allow her to come see him when shes home. Im not sure if it will go anywhere because every suggestion made to sis is never the right one but its a step in the right direction and both parents agree that it would be a great situation for him.
I think its safe to assume he will still be there by the time I get home. Working on finding somewhere else for my mare. They were talking about cutting the paddock in half before I get home but that would be fair to either horse since its already small and I dont want dad taking on another project.
This is really putting a damper on being able to enjoy my own horse. I used to call them everyday after coming home from the barn to tell them how my mare was but now its just turned into a rant of them telling me how miserable sis’s horse makes them.
@Brokegirl, I am probably asking something that has already been answered, sorry about that.
Have you simply told your sister that caring for this horse is putting your parents in a financial bind? Do the whole “I am really worried about Mom and Dad and their finances” and see if that might help her understand that something needs to be done.
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