What Now? Losing your Heart Horse

[kc.wq]

Hello all–
It’s been almost two months since my heart horse was euthanized. He was my everything, and as I’m sure a lot of you know, losing an animal is not easy. Especially if everything felt like it just clicked between the two of you. He was my dream horse and perfect in every way… as cringey as it sounds we really did have a special relationship that I know I won’t be able to replicate. He had me picked out when he was 3 and I was 7… I’ll attach an old photo… He was a huge (huge is an understatement) part of my life the two short years I owned him and now that he’s gone my life feels like it’s in shambles. I’m trying to figure out what to do now… I know I will want to get back into riding eventually but now doesn’t feel right. When I do, do I lesson? Do I lease? Do I own again? Or maybe I scratch riding for the next few months, focus on showing my dog, grieve, and get back into it when it feels right? I just don’t know. What I really am asking is what your experiences were like… how long did it take you to get back into riding after losing your horse? What did that look like? Did you ever get back to it? What did you do instead? I can’t imagine a life without horses but right now walking through the barn and seeing his stuff sounds like walking through hell. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance,
KC

[Night_Flight]

First, I’m sorry for your loss.

I think the answer is different for everyone. For me, I lost my horse in late 2020 and have been either helping people put mileage on greenies or half-leasing since then, since I was ready to buy a house and it just made more sense than buying another horse right away, financially and time-commitment-wise.

Personally, I would try to keep riding in some way if you can. While you won’t lose your ability to ride completely, keeping your muscle memory, fitness and confidence up by riding a couple of times a week will be much easier than taking a long break and trying to build it all up again when you feel you’re ready for your next horse.

Edited to add that I waited a month before riding again. I was very lucky to have a barn owner reach out and offer a mutually beneficial ride once she felt enough time had passed.

[Demerara_Stables]

I’m so sorry.

I’ve had 3 sudden animal deaths in my life (2 horses and 1 dog), and the grieving process has been different for all 3. I was fortunate that I had other horses/dogs that needed care at those times, so I kind of had to get back to it. I’m sure it’s much harder without anything forcing you back to the barn. With the two horses, I had a great support system that allowed me to take the time I needed, and it was hard to get back to the others, but once I did it seemed like it helped the grieving process move a little quicker. For my first horse loss, I couldn’t go to the barn (on my property) for two weeks.

Do you have a barn family that you can visit to hang out/watch them ride/bring carrots? I found it helpful to talk to other owners (horse and dog), especially if they had already experienced loss. It’s less weird to start bawling if the person you’re talking to knows what it’s like. 🥹 I would start there, and see how you feel. The first one or two times might be overwhelming, but allow yourself to cry. I also found it helpful to text/email people ahead of time to explain the situation and tell them that I couldn’t talk about it in person. Eventually I could, but it was hard enough to make it through the first few weeks/months just getting to the barn and doing chores without having to explain to everyone I saw what happened.

Lastly, don’t feel rushed to pick up/clean up/move his stuff unless it’s really a burden to the barn owner/other boarders. Over a year has passed since one of the horses died and her name tags are still all over the barn. I left my first horse’s tack and brush box in the same spot in the tack room until I moved out of that house. Maybe that’s weird but it was so hard to handle her things, and having an empty space there seemed too sad.

[exvet]

I too am sorry for your loss. I too have experienced devastating losses of heart animals over the years (horses and dogs) but due to my background have always had other dogs, horses et al still in my care that forced me to continue with interacting, caring for them and loving them, sometimes in new ways as I lived day-to-day. Personally staying involved in some way and on some level I feel helps heal. New doors will open however that works out. Don’t try to force anything but do what feels right or at least comfortable and helps you engage on some level. Over the years I have found that the next great relationship has found me and not what I would have necessarily predicted. When I lost my first heart horse I owned and was riding 4 others. The one who filled my heart horse’s shoes was definitely NOT the one I had expected but the one I developed my next deep bond with (he was a resale project) took me places I never dreamed of or could have even anticipated at the time. Your heart horse will never be replaced but the opportunities for new strong bonds are possible and out there. You just have to let them pick you and not force the issue.

[trubandloki]

I am sorry for your loss.

How you deal with it loss is something only you can answer, there is no one right answer.

I am much older than you are and have lost more beloved pets (horses, dogs, cats, etc) than I care to think about.
When I lost my most favorite horse, who I had for over 20 years, I had no choice but to still go to the barn every day, I had other horses to take care of. Just kept going.

The pain of losing something special never fully goes away. We (general we) just learn to deal with it and let ourselves enjoy the happy times we had.

I like to think that my special pets would not want me to be sad, they did not want that when they were around so they would not want that when they are gone. They would want me to share love with more animals in need of loving.

[2DogsFarm]

I’m also a lot older & so have gone through this loss many times & it never gets easier.
Whether due to trauma or age, the pain is the same.
But what happens is the happy memories gradually fill the gaping hole in your heart.

I’d lived through losing a couple much-loved cats & a dog before having to put down a horse.
So I was familiar with the procedure.
The first horse I had to euth was my DH’s & I’d lost him only a short year before.
A wasting lameness started in October, by February there was no choice.
But the vet hospital he was at did such a caring job, allowing me to hold his head after they sedated & laid him down, that the process left me knowing if I had to, I could do it again.
I’d had my 2 horses home for a mere 5yrs when I lost both to a trailer accident. My TB I’d had for 20yrs & the TWH got to replace DH’s horse so I’d have 2 at home.
Going home to an empty barn was awful & I knew I had to get another horse.
My next was a COTH Giveaway
Deal made right after the accident.
Sadly lost him to anaerobic abcess only 5yrs later.
I’d gotten a free (Hackney) pony from my shoer as a companion, but needed a riding horse.
A very dear friend gifted me the TWH she’d horsecamped/trailrode for 6yrs when injury stopped her riding. That was in 2015.
I added a mini I drive 8yrs ago & can’t imagine not having horses.

Take as long as you need, disregard well-meaning advice from friends.
When you’re ready to ride or get another you’ll know {HUGS}

[NancyM]

I’ve had horses in my life for the last 60 of 65 years. I am very fortunate. My first “heart horse” (as they are called now), I received when I was 12, a long yearling TB colt, purchased by my parents from the breeder, to be my show horse. He was broke by a family friend as a long 2 yr old, who was a race trainer, and who rode him 5 times. Then I was legged up onto him, and it was then my job, riding him at home, alone. My Dad snapped a picture when my butt hit the saddle that day. This potential disaster an unlikely plan turned out perfectly, and we had a partnership of a dozen years, from the junior divisions to the Open Jumper divisions and local Grand Prix classes. He was amazing. I was the pilot. I had a number of opportunities to sell him to famous people, but turned them all down. He was a part of me. He looked to me for guidance. I looked to him for power, honesty and talent. And love. But he had physical issues. Problems. That could not be helped. Could not even be diagnosed at the time. IDK if they could be now… maybe. But he retired and became a pasture pet. Until he fell (presumably) and broke his neck (presumably) and my parents had to put him down. I was gone by that time, living in a different city. A young adult. My mother came to tell me in person about what had happened. The horse was buried in our back field of our farm. I could not stand up… had to sit down with the shock. Even though it was not a surprise. Sometimes bad things happen, and you must survive. Take what you have learned, and move on.

Since then, I have had many horses, some great ones, some more average. Some that I sold, some that I’ve kept and retired. I recently lost another great horse, home bred and raised, broke, trained both as a racehorse and then as a show horse. She was amazing. Amazing talent and intelligence, and thoroughly kind. I had to have her shot a few weeks ago now… she was 24 years old. I had pulled her out of her mother, and greeted her birth, and I had to make the call to end her life. She was my most recent “heart horse”. A very good horse. I am missing her now.
So I’m going to tell you that you need to take what your good horses teach you… about horses, about life, about death, about honesty, about yourself. And carry on. And hope to find another good horse. Not all horses are great horses. But a few are. Most are average, just like most humans. But every now and again, you come across one that shines and hums with an invisible electricity under the hide. You can’t see this in advance, but it becomes apparent in time, when the right horse falls into the hands of the right human. Good luck finding your next one.

[BeeHoney]

I’m sorry for your loss. I think most of us can relate to the pain of losing a horse that we cared for deeply. It’s okay to take time and sit with your grief, and your grief honors the special relationship you had with this horse.

When you are ready, I’d recommend starting out with lessons. I lost a horse that I had raised from a foal and the loss was sudden and horrific. There was a point where I was ready to ride again, but I wasn’t ready to have another connection with a special horse. I spent a period of time where I took lessons, rode and showed other people’s horses, and I enjoyed horses and the sport in a different way. I was kind and thoughtful with the horses I rode and groomed and loved on them, but inwardly it took a lot of pressure off that they weren’t “my” horse.

[reefy]

I’m so sorry you had to say goodbye to your beautiful horse. It’s the absolute worst part of loving these wonderful animals!!

But, every time I’ve sworn I could not love another horse like I loved (insert name), the next horse and I manage to find each other and it again becomes something special. Maybe not right away but in time.
I’m living it right now! Lost a very special mare Nov 2023 and brought my new mare home a year ago this month. She has saved me in more ways that I can articulate, through losing my other mare to losing my mom.

Give it time and open your heart. You never know when your next love will come along

[RedHorses]

I found it was important to tidy up, give away, reassign, or store my lost horse’s stuff. Having that need to do hanging over you can turn it into an insurmountable task. And if it’s at a boarding barn, there’s always the risk of things disappearing.

I chose one thing (bridle or halter) from each horse to put in a shadow box with other memory items. It took seven years to put the first bridle in a shadow box, and I still haven’t done the second horse’s halter fifteen years later. Or the third horse’s bridle (one year). If any of those had gone missing I would have been even more upset.

I have owned 1-2 other horses each time I had to euthanize one, and I am grateful to have had them to draw me back to the barn. I did go less often for a period afterwards, except last time when the last horse standing developed cellulitis and needed care.

The first horse is special, and while you’re not going to have the same relationship with another horse, you can have just as strong and deep a relationship in the future. My third of four horses is the last one standing, and is my best, most loved horse. I’m sure that the length of the relationship has something to do with it (26 years vs 6, 15, and 15). That takes nothing away from any of the other three, all of whom I loved dearly.

You can have a new relationship with a new horse, without “replacing” the one lost. Stop yourself from comparing to the one you lost, be open to the horse in front of you, and you’ll be okay. When you’re ready. Do what feels right to you.

[walktrot]

I had a Paint gelding I put down on 7/20/2022 at age 28. He had a lump on his left knee that had no effect on soundness from the day I bought him in 2001 through 3/31/2020. It developed arthritis and was gradually losing flexion but he was ridden 5-6 days a week. When the pandemic started the BO locked everyone out of the farm for a month even though state regulations permitted horse owners daily access to provide care. Standing around for 30 days on pasture board provoked recurrent bouts of lameness and I had to retire him from riding. Our vet since day one retired after 50 years in practice. The BO was not providing the care she said he needed: more to eat and a quiet environment. I moved him to another barn where he was pampered back to perfect condition in nice stall open 100% to an oversize runout plus all-day turnout.

We had an excellent vet who x -rayed the knee and both hooves every couple of months and we went to a 4-week shoeing schedule. He was on Equioxx; I had rejected trying to maintain him on knee injections. He did exceptionally well with perfectly balanced feet, according to the lameness specialist. He was comfortable, energetic, and his amazing personality remained on full display. After his initial evaluation by the lameness specialist, our vet asked me to make a deal with her: when she said it was time I would put him down. I agreed. I probably could have spent a bundle on joint injections, various drugs, and body management. But I had promised him years ago I would never allow him to turn into an old man. He was still a bundle of energy, his amazing personality continued to shine, he was as handsome as ever, and he continued to garner plenty of attention in the barn.

She told me on 7/12/22 that it was time. I was sure she was jumping the gun but set the date. He had no problems getting up from his nap. 3-4 days later I saw the minute changes when someone else walked him. The flexion was gone. His knee couldn’t control his hoof when he took a step. Sometimes he dragged the toe. Both knees were dirty. Then he refused to walk out to his favorite hand grazing area. But that bundle of energy was better than ever. He was well known in the area in part because I loaned him to our barn’s therapy and lesson programs for years. A few dozen people came to help me say goodbye. He headed for the bridge without his mane and tail.

We did our Century Ride in 2021. At age 76 I have had no desire to get another horse. The best thing I did was to have him composted. I got a couple of buckets last spring and planted a huge Korean dogwood tree (deer resistant!). It flowered all summer and had red leaves for a month in the fall. It is like I buried him in the back yard. I’m still having a rough time, but I look out the bay window every morning and say “Hi Sweetie.”

I bump into long-term friends regularly who knew him well. They always reassure me that I did what was best for him. They all remember him as young, handsome, and loads of fun. They remined me about his purple bathrobe and licking the back of my winter jacket on the way to turnout. His Portrait is hanging in the local Blue Seal store. He stayed with me behind my left shoulder for 18 months, and still stops by. I know because all of a sudden I get these urges to look into his eyes on his portrait while I’m watching TV. We’ll be reuniting at the bridge.

[Demerara_Stables]

What a beautiful story

[HPFarmette]

I found my precious gelding dead in the barnyard when I went to my barn to feed breakfast. Later found out that his sire died the same unexpected way, possibly aneurysm.
I was traumatized by this and grew to hate going to the barn. But I have ducks, chickens and 2 brat minis, so I had to. Every day, my mind was saying what else am I going to find dead?
Rationally, I decided to wait until spring before thinking of another horse. But after two months I bought a mare. Now I love going to my barn again.

[kc.wq]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I truly appreciate it and feel so encouraged. Hearing about your special horses is such an honor. I am privileged to be a part of this community and am so grateful for these wonderful animals God has given us.

For now I think I’ll just let myself grieve and figure out what to do next when I’m ready.

Wishing you and your loved ones the best!